


unCHANGED

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: 'best friends', Alternate Universe, Angst, Artist Dodo, Dior is a pro-domme, Everybody should be a feminist, F/F, Female Friendship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hyungwonho but this time it's WonDodo, Manager Wonhee, Smut, This story doesn't have a male character because it's futile, This story is empowering, This will make you cry, Wonhee and Dodo, breathtaking intimacy, gorgeous descriptions, this is lesbian, you will stand through this and come out 3 times more gay than you thought you were
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-04-03 16:49:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 148,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21477673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: They were covered by ten years of nothing, and only in the night, the heavy curtain lifted, and they were able to see each other, touch each other and continue on where they stopped. For a brief moment. A hallucination. A galaxy with a thousand colors.“I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.”Audre Lorde
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Wonhee/Dodo
Comments: 42
Kudos: 72





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
We are back with our newest story: **unCHANGED**. It is a Female/Female story that doesn't compare to the others and we really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals with what it means to be a woman, with female intimacy and breathtaking erotic.  
The story is already written and published and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
  
If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
[@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
[INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
  
  
  
We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
  
We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
Hichanchen writes Dodo  
Smut_Hemingway writes Wonhee and Dior  
As always a special Thank You to our beta-readers Natalie and to Angie, who drew a gorgeous cover for that work.  
  
  
We are always so damn grateful for every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho /WonDodo, because honestly, it's THE SHIP)  
(We also have another story prepared after this one, so stay tuned.)
> 
> Please also join our fight for Wonho. This means the world to us...

"Aren't you late?" Her mom yelled through the apartment as if it was too much trouble to take those few extra steps and speak the words. It was part of their family culture to yell questions, comments, or any news worth - or not worth - sharing. Yelling was like a baseball bat, hitting you when you expect it the least, but you can't hate it because it is so familiar. Also, you miss the point in time when you started to consider it part of your home. Your loud home.

"Yeah, mom," she yelled back with a smile and glanced at the big red clock that hung on the wall over her desk, showing that she had precisely ten minutes to get ready and move her ass to the apartment down the street. The concept of time blurred when she looked at pictures of architectural work or at paintings, studying every single detail with a magnifying glass.

"Is it even comfortable to sit like that?" Her mom decided to bless her with her presence, still talking too loudly out of habit, while her round eyes glanced past the door frame. Never knocking was another element of their family culture. "Your leg will fall off, but it's kind of short and pale, so maybe it's for the best."

Ah, insults. Those too were part of her daily routine, but her mother's smile and a huge white chocolate cookie made it okay again.

"Do you know that if I was insecure and cared about my appearance I might get traumatized by stuff like that? And then you would have to live with the knowledge that you are responsible for your daughter's poor mental health? Thanks for the cookie." Wiggling her eyebrows, she removed her leg from under her butt that was nice and soft but unfortunately didn't prevent her limbs from getting numb. Sitting around in underwear only and studying paintings like a weirdo was her favorite thing apart from hanging around at the apartment down the street.

"Are you looking at stuff that old men created for money ages ago?"

Yes. Her parents disregarding her hobbies and interests was also part of her daily life.

"You could've gotten a scholarship for a major with higher chances of later employment."

Sure, in her parent's eyes she was making a mistake, but she wanted it so badly and it wasn't about employment, not at all. She was sure that one could get employed if one was really good at what one was doing.

"I will be the best and get the best job ever, watch me," she muttered, stuffing the rest of the cookie into her mouth while jumping towards her wardrobe on one leg, glancing inside and taking out a pair of black jeans and a yellow silk shirt with black dots. Dressing quickly, she blew a kiss to her reflection and one to her mom and picked up her bag containing a bottle of wine, running out and taking the steps two at a time with her short, pale legs.

_They're fine._

A drum solo performed by her heartbeat was so nice to listen to, pure excitement mixed with the sprint she performed because she was late and because she couldn't wait to arrive. The only uncomfortable thing was her long hair, flying into her mouth when she had to inhale sharply. She wanted to cut it, but her mom kept persuading her not to with tears in her eyes.

_How can someone be so attached to dead protein?_

When she stood in front of the big white door, paint chipping off at the edges with the short surname written out in messy handwriting, she smiled brightly and didn't get enough air from the way her heart made a jump in her ribcage. Pressing the doorbell with her short finger, one hand automatically went to her forehead, wiping away some sweat drops to not seem as if she ran.

_She doesn't pay attention to that. _

The door opened almost instantly and revealed a familiar small face with plump lips and round eyes that glanced at her shirt before focusing on her face. Her long brown hair covered the broad shoulders and almost reached her waist.

"You're late," was the nonchalant comment as Dodo placed an elegant black pencil behind her tiny ear and gestured inside the house. "Come in."

Walking along the almost endless hallway, the tall girl didn't bother to lift her long legs, using a pair of fluffy neon green socks to slide on the wooden floors towards her room. The socks were paired with a white blouse and a tight black skirt that ended in the middle of her thighs. It was typical of Dodo to look perfectly elegant except for one single detail that she purposefully changed for her satisfaction.

"You look like the beauty from Beauty and the Beast trying to cosplay the Grinch. I love your socks." She smiled brightly and pulled out a bottle of wine, deciding to not follow her friend and pour the drinks instead.

Dodo's mom had an amazing sense for picking furniture and designing spaces, so she loved visiting. It gave her the peace of mind she missed at home and the calmness of a beautifully arranged apartment where she could spend hours just looking at the details, memorizing everything. She smiled when she pulled two delicate blue wine glasses out of the vintage-looking cupboard and opened the bottle quickly, pouring two equal portions.

"The concept was obviously 'school girl about to run off across the grass into the wilderness', but I'm not surprised that you didn't get it," Dodo commented from behind her and leaned against the kitchen door frame, arms crossed, and one foot placed on top of the other. "I might make it more obvious next time. I'd love to add bright threads into the fabric of your black jeans to break the cycle."

"What cycle? The cycle of jeans?" She almost snorted and handed Dodo one of the glasses. "Are we going anywhere today? Marc asked, but I didn't know, so I only said that I'd be sleeping over at your place and he was sad." Her boyfriend didn't like Dodo much. Mostly because she liked spending time with her best friend the most.

_He has to accept that. _

"Of course, we're going somewhere. It's the last fucking day of this bullshit, Wonhee." Her friend gestured around them as if the knowledge was in the air before taking a sip of her wine and licking the drop that almost spilled over the edge. "We're taking the car and going somewhere nice. Let's ditch the glasses and drink the rest from the bottle. Mom has one of those wine bottle lids somewhere."

"You can't drive drunk, you crazy bitch," she laughed and almost spilled her wine. She was too happy seeing her best friend and being in the calm apartment. It was relaxing to be in the aura that Dodo created by stepping into the room, turning the air into a thousand colors that made you happy just by breathing it.

"I'm not drunk _yet_," the tall girl pointed out with a grin and gestured towards her temple as if emphasizing how smart that realization was. "And I won't be any more when we come back. Hope you got enough sleep last night."

Placing her glass of wine on the counter, Dodo brushed over her tight skirt and tested it out by lifting her thigh a little, basically flashing her surroundings with her simple, black underwear.

"Guess this will have to do for the trip," the brown-haired girl commented with a shrug and brushed her hair off her shoulders.

"If you want to do the splits on the bonnet, you're perfectly prepared." Wonhee put her glass on the kitchen counter, trying to be the reasonable one in case Dodo indeed wanted to drive somewhere, that crazy bitch. Knowing her, she did.

_That's why you love her. Because she's nuts. The perfect kind. _

"Let's not die, okay? I got a scholarship and it would be such a waste to give it to somebody else." She sighed and grinned, lifting one eyebrow. "Where are we going, captain?"

"You'll see. What would be the point in preparing something if I revealed it all at once? It must be gradual, like a perfectly planned menu. You are still busy acknowledging the slight hint of aubergine in your tomato soup when _bam_, orange peel and basil hits you out of nowhere." Grinning too, Dodo curled her long index finger and beckoned her over. "Follow me to the car, you unsuspecting one."

Again, she laughed, loving the soup metaphor and imagining the taste suddenly developing in her mouth, as if she really ate it, sucking in the scent, Dodo's scent.

Her fingers itched to make a ponytail, but she didn't succumb and followed the tall figure down the hallway where she slipped into her ballet pumps and took the car keys from the long fingers that teased her with them, knowing how much she reacted to any danger that Dodo expertly maneuvered herself into.

"Show me your spices, darling." She winked and followed the girl out, running down the two flights of stairs.

Her friend was quick to open the car door once she unlocked it and pushed her right foot inside while fiddling with the pencil behind her ear. Twirling it once, Dodo grinned again.

"I'll tell you where to drive, just follow my instructions. Everything we need is already in the car. Don't chicken out," the brown-haired girl commented and threw herself into the passenger seat.

"Who's the one who squeaks in the shower when the water is 'too cold'? Not me." Wonhee adjusted the seat to her height and had to move forward a bit because Dodo had legs for days.

"Not my fault you have breasts to shelter you. It's a minor miscalculation in my design that I have learned to adapt to with warm water." Long, naked legs landed on the dashboard and Dodo pushed her seat back to make the position comfortable. "Let's go to the center, close to the Ministry of Education."

Wonhee ignored the boob diss and moved on.

"We're not going to paint the walls, right?" she asked, but her gut feeling told her that her best friend was up to something. It was fun, but she also didn't want to get caught by the police.

"That shit gets painted over. I'm not wasting my time on our last day." Her friend seemed happy that she didn't guess it and fixed her skirt by pushing it a bit lower where it rode up. "My plan is way better and nothing will happen. I told you not to chicken out."

_Why does she say last day?_

"Yeah, summer break is over. You never waste your time, do you? Everything is meaningful with you," she murmured truthfully, stepping on the gas and driving towards the inner city.

"I do waste time," Dodo whispered dramatically and leaned towards her, not caring that she wasn't going to be distracted from the traffic. "When I have to explain my fashion choices to you."

Laughing, her friend squeezed her thigh once and focused on the windshield, looking excited.

"But I think you will like this one, Wonhee. It's meaningful, more so than usual. I feel like I need this to not be stapled to this place like a bunch of graduation documents."

"Let's do it. You know I'm weak when it's about your insane ideas. My lack of any basic creativity can't relate. I can't even cut my hair, sad." Grinning, she blew Dodo a kiss right before the traffic light turned green and turned around the corner, parking right next to the place where her best friend pointed at.

"You're wrong. You're just too scared to carry through, but with a little push you would." Sighing, Dodo opened the door even before she turned off the engine and walked around the car, getting out a paper bag with a bunch of metallic tools. "Let's do this, baby."

_You're not scared. You don't see the point. _

Throwing the bag over her shoulder, her best friend beckoned her over again as she walked around the Ministry of Education building, arriving at the back that had nothing but a wooden door in the middle.

"Hidden enough for you?" Dodo asked and unpacked the stuff she brought while kneeling next to the perfectly white wall. It was a minor bit of it, not the main building, but still a part of the Ministry. Grabbing the pencil from behind her ear, the tall girl started sketching right on the concrete, drawing lines that resembled a face with hands that held onto it. Somehow it reminded Wonhee of the painting 'The Scream'.

"Great. So, we're doing art on government property." She felt the need to massage her temples, but it wouldn't have helped anyway. "I love it." Rolling up her sleeves, she kneeled next to Dodo and leaned in to smell her shower gel. It was her most favorite scent in the world.

"You always seem so okay with everything, no matter what these bastards put you through. I'm sick and tired of it. It feels like-" Dodo paused drawing and blew a few strands of hair from her face before sketching an opening in the figure's head and adding a book that was forced into it. "Like this. There's no thinking, just repeating. I want to let those fuckers know or I'll go mad. I'll carve it out in a bit. But not very deeply because it'll take days otherwise."

"It's because your mind is precious and can't be tamed. I like looking at the details of things that people like you create, trying to understand how you come up with them and appreciating them as much as I’m able to. I'm so excited to know more." She reached out and closed her eyes, tracing the lines that Dodo put on the wall, on the building. "So pretty," she murmured.

"I didn't even start carving yet," her friend remarked but pulled her into a brief hug. The girl's long arm pushed their heads together as Dodo rubbed their cheeks against each other. "But thank you for supporting me. I appreciate it."

Letting go, her best friend grabbed a few of the carving tools and got to work, emphasizing the lines roughly until she got to the details. It was always like that, it was funny, easy, but also emotional and so intimate. Dodo could do it all. She had the colors.

"I'll always support you. Can't wait to see what else you are able to do."

The whole process was a mess, but despite everything, Dodo somehow managed to keep the white remains of the wall off her black skirt, only hurting her knees in the process of kneeling on the hard concrete. Once Wonhee could have traced the figure with her fingertips and known each detail without looking, her friend wiped over her forehead and stood up.

"Do you think you'll come here and think of me?" the brown-haired girl asked suddenly and brushed over her red knees.

Something about the question gave her an uneasy feeling but she couldn't get herself to get up before touching the finished piece and looking at it intently. "Why? Are you breaking up with me?" She giggled to get rid of the feeling.

"Can't break a non-existent relationship," was the reply as Dodo shrugged again and packed the tools into her bag. "I just know that things are about to change. You're going to college. I'm not even sure you'll have time to remember there is a Ministry of Education unless they raise the fees. But that's probably a good thing, let's go."

The words were like a slap in the face and it hit deeper than the usual insults. It felt different.

"Let's go," she muttered and got up, not bothering to smile.

Her friend didn't comment, which was unusual and made her way back to the car. Instead of slipping into the passenger seat, Dodo got comfortable in the driver's seat and stretched out her hand for the key.

"This part I'll drive. It's harder to find," she remarked and pulled her skirt higher to be able to spread her legs a little better. She looked dazzling, no matter what she did, independent of the funny fashion choices or the way she didn't give a shit whether someone could look between her legs. She was confident in a way Wonhee couldn’t describe.

_She has the colors._

"Thank you for coming with me," Dodo whispered as she pulled onto the mainstreet and turned towards the highway that would lead them out of the city. She hadn't been lying about being sober when she decided to return. The further out they went, the longer they would need to get back in the end. "I know I never say it, but I'm glad you're here."

The city disappeared behind them and made way for the river and the greenery around it. Wonhee didn't know where Dodo was driving them, but the girl seemed determined as she easily left the paved road and drove the old car over a barely car-friendly track up a hill. Sticks and small stones under the wheels shook the vehicle but the tall girl remained unfazed as if she had done it countless times before.

Only when they approached a cliff, not dramatic enough to appear like the ones in those romantic movies, but high enough to die if they ended up falling, Dodo stepped on the brakes and turned off the engine.

"We’re here. Get the wine," her friend commented before getting out of the car and simply climbing on top of the car roof. The sight of the cliff was gorgeous, the river in all its glory, emphasized by the little light that the night sky provided. Dodo crossed her legs and patted the spot next to her. "We're celebrating, Wonhee. But only the good things."

"The bad ones are part of us. You can't run away from them. But sure, let's drink." She reached for the bottle and took off her shoes, making it much easier to climb up. It just felt a little strange. Everything about it was strange and she struggled to recognize the details that changed the whole setting.

"They only cause tears. I'm not going to cry today. It's supposed to be a good day." Dodo wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer before accepting the bottle and taking a sip. "I'm not going to college. You're the first one I'm telling."

"You're… You're not?" Panic hit her out of nowhere and she turned around, trying to catch Dodo's gaze, but could only stare at the stunning side profile with the round nose and plump lips.

"It's not for me. I know what they teach there. They want you to be like them, to learn from masters and in the end become a mixture of them all. Some kind of creature. I don't want that. I don't want to learn from people that were living in this system all their lives and never left it. That's not it, you know?" Dodo kept one arm around her waist while resting her weight on the other. "I want to learn from people that have seen different things and have stories to tell. I don't want to live in this city and tell city people about the lives of other city people. It's meaningless without depth. How can I tell them anything new? Anything of value?"

What had she been thinking? She couldn't even tell how it happened, that her mind deceived her, let her be sure that Dodo would do the things everybody did. Study in one of Stockholm's universities, staying around and bringing colors into her life. How could she think that, if she has known her best friend for years?

"I don't know. The value is inside you," she whispered in reply, reaching out and curling her fingers around the girl's firm thigh, squeezing involuntarily.

"It's there, but it can't get out when it has nothing to say, Wonhee. College won't give me something to say. It will chain me to the norms and break my fucking legs." Clenching her fist, Dodo took another sip of the bottle before placing it between Wonhee's legs and throwing her head back. "It helps you to fulfil your dreams, but it doesn't help me. You'll go to college and I'm- I'm going to go far away from here."

"How far?" she heard herself say and lifted the bottle to her lips, smelling the alcohol and wishing it would dampen the feeling in her chest, but it didn't.

"I don't know yet. I'm going to travel all around," her best friend replied while caressing her side, eyes remaining focused on the river. "My first flight is going to South America."

"It's beautiful there, I heard." She gulped down the wine until her throat hurt and placed the bottle into Dodo's big hand. "I hope that you'll find what you're searching for." As soon as she spoke the words, she realised that she was about to lose what she was searching for and had next to her all along.

Her best friend seemed unaware as she nodded softly and let her hand travel up to her shoulder, letting her fingertips dance over it.

"I hope so too. I want to meet a lot of different people, learn lots of ways to do art. I'm tired of doing it the typical art school way." Finally, Dodo turned to look at her, big eyes observing her face intently for a few moments. "But I am sure you have made the right choice. You seem to belong here so well, despite the system and everything around it. It can give you what you need."

"Mhm," she whispered. "Just you don't."

It was quiet for a few moments as Dodo wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close, her cheek brushing over the other girl's bony collarbone and mostly flat chest.

"I'm sorry," Dodo whispered quietly and leaned her head against hers.

Adrenaline rushed through her veins and she held onto the slim body as if it could have helped her in any way. Why wasn't she prepared?

"Why are you sorry? You said there's nothing here for you, so you can't feel bad about it, can you?"

"You dummy, as if that was the truth," Dodo murmured and hugged her tighter, heart beating steadily in the slim chest. "I wanted you to be the first to know and I thought we should celebrate the good things, not the bad things. Let's celebrate a new chapter in our lives. New changes, experiences."

Celebrating. Wonhee wished she could do that. Grin playfully and drink more wine, joke about how Dodo would conquer South America, color everything the way she wanted it to be, create and learn something new, but a gaping hole in her chest, the void that the knowledge created made her understand that she was never hers to have.

She wasn't possessive. At least she never considered herself to be. She gave her boyfriend his space and expected the same from him, she never participated in something she didn't agree on. There were always boundaries, carefully separating the outer world from her. Apart from Dodo. Dodo stepped over them, laughing and wrapping her long limbs around her. Suggesting they shower together and making fun of her own small breasts, rubbing her back and hugging her when they were completely covered in soap, so that she felt the girl's small nipples against her skin. Dodo did all that, not caring or bothering with any boundary and now she didn't bother that Wonhee kept her inside. Created the boundary around her.

"How does that feel?" she asked, emptying the wine and throwing the bottle on the grass as she climbed on top of the girl's lap.

"What? New changes and experiences?" Dodo asked and licked over her lips, eyes shining as if the thought alone returned all her enthusiasm. "It's exciting. I imagine it will be like rubbing off all the things that the people at school tried to force on me and finding my own style. Something that can't be pinpointed anymore. Something where you look at it and you just know it must have been me, nobody else. I want to be able to create messages like that. Messages that I don't need to explain because everybody sees the meaning, even if it's slightly different."

She had meant herself, wanted to hear how it felt to leave a person behind, whether she would miss her. She wanted something to hold onto, to stop feeling as if everything crumbled inside her and nobody could see. But for Dodo it was always the big thing. The world. The art. The life. None of those included her.

"When are you flying?" she pressed out. Maybe it was her face, always neutral apart from when she was with her best friend, but now, she wasn't sure. How could she cry a river after someone told her about new experiences, wanting to learn something new and wiping off everything? Including her.

"Tomorrow," Dodo replied, but some of the excitement with which she talked dissipated. The brown-haired girl wrapped her arms around her waist, caressing her sides through her shirt and shifted to make it more comfortable. "I'm leaving a message for my parents. I know that they might not let me leave otherwise. But I didn't want to leave without seeing you."

_She didn't want to leave without telling you._

The sole thought that Dodo would have left. Just like that. That she was leaving tomorrow. It didn't seem real, none of it did. She felt like dying. How could something hurt this much?

"I can't believe this," she whispered and crawled down from the car and from the embrace that made her believe everything because she could feel it against her skin, could trace the fingers that wouldn't be there anymore, the voice that called her names and the arms that embraced her right after. She didn't want to feel it.

Taking her bag from the passenger's seat, she turned around and started walking down the hill, unsure where she even was, but the pain was not something she could handle, she needed to do something to make it stop.

"Wonhee, wait!" she heard Dodo yell after her as the tall girl jumped off the car and hurried after her. It didn't take long for the girl's fingers to wrap around her wrist and pull her back, long legs catching up with her in seconds. "Where the hell are you going? You aren't even wearing your shoes. I'll drive you back later. I thought… we could spend the rest of the time together before I leave."

"I feel like dying, fuck," she gasped, squeezing her eyes shut and body freezing in place, unwilling to move. She didn't care that she wasn't wearing shoes because the only thing she felt was the gaping wound that her best friend just ripped in her chest and stomach.

"But I'm still here, right here," Dodo murmured and pulled her closer, hugging her tightly before letting go and observing her face. "You have so much here, Wonhee. You have your family, your boyfriend, soon there will be college. How did you even plan on fitting it all in? Right now, it's just you and me until both of us have to go and do our own thing. Isn't it better this way? Better than one of us being miserable?"

She didn't care about her family, fuck, she couldn't even remember her boyfriend's face and she didn't give a single shit about him. She only needed Dodo. She knew it and her body knew it, reacting as if she just started rehab to get clean from some hardcore drugs. At least that's how she imagined it to be.

"What do you want to show me? How fucking miserable I'll be without you? I can feel it in every cell of my body when you're touching me, I don't care about anything else. I don't care about anyone else either, but I can't stop you and that makes me feel like dying because you… " She left out the part with the boundaries because it seemed so intimate, inadequate. There was no relationship. Dodo said it and it was like with any other joke the slim girl made. It was true, but she laughed it off. Her muscles suddenly relaxed, hurting from the way her body stiffened and she felt the cold grass through her jeans when she sank down. She stared at the stalks, hands propped against the cold, slightly moist ground and hoped that this wasn't really happening, but it was about Dodo. She couldn't have made this up. She didn't have the creativity.

"Wonhee," her best friend whispered and kneeled, not caring about her skirt that rode up to her hips. "I care about you, you know that I do. But I just can't stay, I'll go mad. I thought about it and there is just no way I'll be able to remain here. I… can't live like that."

The tall girl tugged at her shoulders, attempting to make her stand up. "Please don't run away like this, hurting yourself. How is it going to make it better? Won't you regret it in the end?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything." She got up and wiped her dirty hands on her jeans, not giving a single shit. It was all irrelevant now. "I just know that I'm so dumb that I didn't see this coming."

"I'm sorry for not telling you earlier, but I decided this last minute as well. I knew that I had to leave, but I only booked the plane two days ago. It felt right." Stepping closer, Dodo tilted her head to see her face better, teeth biting down on a pump bottom lip."You're the only person I wanted to see before leaving. You're the only one I'm saying farewell to. I won't force you, but I hoped to spend the rest of the evening with you. You're my best friend, Wonhee."

"The best friend gets the evening." She wouldn't cry. She couldn't cry. "Sounds okay." Staring at the girl's face she tried to memorise every single detail, as if it were a painting. A picture could never do her justice, how could you reproduce those colors? This was the only moment in her life she regretted that she wasn't able to draw, to have the talent to create, but even if she did, she doubted she would get anywhere close to the thousands of colors Dodo was covered in.

"The best friend gets the me before I become somebody else, the me that I want to be." Dodo swallowed and reached for her hand, holding it carefully and pulling her towards the car. "You can't even know if you will like the change. Maybe you only like me like this, my oppressed self that struggles to fit in. You can have all of it because you were always the one to appreciate it. I'm thankful."

"I love you, you idiot," she whispered, goosebumps spreading all over her body. It was like a sudden thought. Like she imagined artistic inspiration to be, coming out of nowhere, giving everything else a new meaning, creating meaning. She had said those words so many times, but this time it felt like a bolt of lightning. Hitting right in the core.

"I love you too," her best friend replied the way she always did, squeezing her hand before she climbed up on the roof of the car and held out a hand for her to grab it.

Dodo's upcoming departure and her sudden realization went hand in hand, increasing the distance between them, moving them further apart because they were different.

The beautiful woman that looked at her with a smile and pulled her up knew that they were unable to exist in the same space, but she, Wonhee, didn't think about it because she felt connected, because she let her best friend cross the boundaries and because she felt with every cell of her body that the source of her happiness, her calmness, her joy, would leave. Tomorrow.

Her hand shook as she propped it next to Dodo's hips and leaned closer, placing a careful kiss against the girl's plump lips. She might have imagined it, but they tasted like wine. Or it was her, but the electric impulses that coursed through her body and the simple touch resulted in more goosebumps and a heartbeat so quick she had to gasp for air.

_What are you doing? _

She sat back and hugged her knees, not looking at her best friend's stunning face. She might have wanted to do more stupid things, knowing that there was no going back, that the person so dear to her would leave tomorrow, that there would be no other chance. No words. No colors. No Dodo. Nothing.

The other girl didn't say anything. There was only the sensation of warm fingers on top of her knee that slipped down to her ankle and returned back up, caressing the fabric of her jeans.

"I'm tipsy," she lied, not daring to look at Dodo's face, embarrassed and scared to see something in the girl's expression that would judge her. Maybe even let her know that she had done something wrong. Despite all those thoughts, it didn't feel wrong. Not at all. It felt nice, but it wasn't more than the overwhelming intimacy they shared, despite being friends. Her eyes closed, and she inhaled deeply, pulling a hair tie out of her pocket and tying the wavy mess on her head into a ponytail. It was cold, but maybe because she knew that there was no going back. Dodo would leave, and she couldn't do anything about it. Nothing about her was enough to stay, enough to give the crazy woman anything precious, anything that was valuable enough. She was just Wonhee, a short girl who liked looking at paintings and buildings, who wanted to study and who loved her best friend.

"It's okay," Dodo whispered and kept stroking over her leg. "Your lips are really soft and taste like wine. Now I can be sure it was sweet."

"The wine wasn't sweet. It's you. You taste sweet," she whispered and dared to look to the side.

"Nah, I'm bitter like my attitude. You should know that," the brown-haired girl commented and chuckled right after. "That's why I need wine to sweeten it up. That way it won't be too bitter on the last day."

Dodo turned to the side and followed her example, pulling her long legs to her chest and resting her head on top of them. Brown strands covered the girl's calves all the way to her bright green socks.

"You know that you're the only one who believes in me, right? I might not have been able to do this if you didn't constantly tell me the world needs more of my crazy," her friend whispered and smiled, cheeks lifting up.

"You're telling me that I'm the reason you're leaving me? Great. Thank you for nothing, Wonhee." She reached for Dodo's hair, brushing it behind the girl's tiny ear and tracing its shell with her fingertips, eyes fluttering shut. She was art. Dodo was.

"You're the reason I'm not killing myself in this system, Wonhee." The other girl looked serious as she observed her, brown eyes focusing on her eyes. "I hope I was able to give you something too. Apart from the fear of inevitable death." Again, Dodo chuckled, probably to distract from the emotional heaviness that remained in the air.

"You're a crazy bitch. My crazy bitch." She grabbed the girl's small face and placed a kiss on her forehead, thumbs stroking over the smooth cheeks. "What am I going to do without you, Dodo?"

"What you've always been doing. You'll have good grades, not get into arguments with the teachers and become successful all on your own." The smile remained on her friend's lips as she pulled her closer again, making their thighs touch. Her jeans kept her from feeling the soft texture of the other girl's skin. "You'll do amazing the way you always do."

She shook her head because Dodo had no idea that she was the reason for being able to stay calm with everything. Her best friend was the reason. "I want to lie in your bed and hold you," she whispered, removing her hands from the girl's pretty face. Wonhee felt as if she needed the body contact in a way she couldn't imagine before.

_You can't hold her back and you know it._

"Want me to drive us back?" Dodo lifted her head and stretched out her legs, fixing the skirt that was at the level of her underwear at this point. "The plan was that you sleep over anyway.

"I know. I'm cold. Let's go back."

The pain was the same and the minutes that they still had weren't comforting, not at all. It was like torture because it showed how much it meant to her. Climbing from the car, she slipped into her shoes and into the passenger's seat, staring ahead.

"What's the point of all those curves if they can't even keep you warm? I don't understand evolution." Dodo jumped in and immediately started the car, maneuvering them away from the cliff and back on the road. "I want to make one of those sculptures. Curvy edges, but if you look from a different side there’s only the vulnerable inside and not what all these people see. You're soft cheese, Wonhee. The type that smells delicious."

"I wish I wasn't." How would it feel if she wasn't? If she could be as strong as Dodo, simply abandoning everything without batting an eye. Would it have hurt less? There was nothing that could've protected her from that because Dodo was inside her chest and it didn't matter how hard the shell was. "I wish I was like you."

"Like me? But you love Stockholm!" Dodo gestured around with both hands and let go of the wheel before grabbing it just in time to keep the car stable as she followed a curve in the road. "People also happen to love cheese which plays out pretty nicely for you. I'll commemorate you in some of the stuff people will teach me out there, away from here."

Wonhee didn’t care about commemoration. There was nothing Dodo could have commemorated about her and there was no reason for doing it.

“You don’t make any sense,” she whispered, staring ahead and imagining that they were driving somewhere far away, together, to stay.

"It's just not in a form comprehensible to you yet, because you don't appreciate what's there. It's like when I looked for a piece of wall to sculpt my figure. I have to work with what is there, but you tend to try to start all over from rock bottom." Her best friend focused on the road ahead for once and only chewed on her cheek in the process. Only when they drove into her parents' garage, the brown-haired girl turned to look at her. "You have a lot to work with in Stockholm, but there is nothing here for me. Let's go."

_There’s you. But you're nothing._

Turning off the engine, her best friend climbed out of the car and threw the door shut before walking around to open hers, leaning against it and observing her.

"What can I do to make you feel better, Wonhee?" Dodo finally asked and brushed her long hair behind her shoulders.

She smiled and left the car, walking past her best friend that was almost a head taller than her. “You can’t.”

Dodo hummed and caught up before the taller girl simply grabbed her by the wrist and tugged her along to the familiar room. Entering her friend's room from the perfectly organised house resembled a whole different world. It was almost as crazy as her friend's ideas. A bunch of colors were covering the walls in various patterns, forming objects, people and things. But to understand it, one needed to know, needed to have been there when each of those colors touched the wall and why they did. Dodo had a story for everything.

"Enough playing dress up," the brown-haired girl remarked and unzipped her black skirt before pulling it down her long legs and discarding it in a laundry basket. Next, Dodo unbuttoned her white blouse, which quickly joined the skirt. Only underwear and the bright green socks remained.

"Freedom," her friend remarked and removed her sports bra before focusing her brown eyes on her. "I thought you wanted to lie in bed. It's a nice way to spend the remaining time."

"Mhm."

Dodo smiled and let herself fall on the ridiculously soft duvet, arms spread out to the sides. It was always too soft for Wonhee but having the slim girl right next to her had always made it okay.

She looked at the flowers that wrapped gently around Dodo's small breasts, so perfectly fitting and beautiful at the same time. Wonhee’s tattoo looked the same, but she always thought that it looked less elegant on her.

Undressing in front of her best friend was nothing and she had done it countless times, but this time was different. Her brain registered every single motion of her fingers when she pulled the yellow shirt over her head, remaining in her white bra, before she opened her jeans and slipped out of them. Her gaze still lingered on the girl's slim body that looked like sand on the blue sheets when she undid her bra, letting it fall to the floor as Dodo never bothered about messiness and lay on the bed, staring at the painted sky on the ceiling.

"Come here, I love how soft you are," her best friend murmured and pulled her into an embrace, not bothering to cover them with a blanket. "I really didn't want to say it, but I'll miss you. I'm trying to let go, but it's not that easy after all. I imagined it differently."

Wonhee wished she could have imagined anything at all. Then, she thought, there would have been less pain, less shock and unspeakable terror that occupied her mind, unable to let go.

“How did you imagine it?” She froze again when she could feel Dodo’s small breasts press against her side, accompanied by an exhale that brushed against her ear.

_How are you going to live without this? _

"Like something happy. A new part in both of our lives. You won't be pulled towards the craziness that is me and can fulfil whatever the great minds of education have in mind for you, whereas I will travel and finally learn something that is of value to me without distracting you from physics and studying." Her friend exhaled softly and buried her round nose in the crook of her neck, caressing her skin with each breath.

“Just please do me a favor and don’t act as if you’re doing this for me. I don’t want that. All I wanted was you.” As soon as the words were spoken out, she felt how guilt replaced her breaths, making it hard to inhale without feeling it with every pore of her naked body. “But I’m glad that you’re going to do something that you want to do. I can’t give you the things that you need and I hope that you can find them somewhere else.”

"You make it sound like this doesn't matter to me, but it does. I'm not leaving because of you. I'm leaving because of myself, but I never thought that it would be so difficult for you. You have so many people holding you here. Even Marc, he'll be glad I'm finally out of the picture."

_You were lying to yourself, weren't you? _

“I’m going to break up with him. Tomorrow,” she said without sounding emotional, because it was simply a fact. She didn’t want that relationship and she didn’t value it a bit, so it was only fair to end it. “I don’t care whether he’s glad about you leaving.” It was a wonder that she was able to keep herself from crying, holding onto the white circles that Dodo drew on her ceiling that replaced stars and gave her the calmness that she needed because she knew every single dot, where the color started peeling off, or where her best friend murdered a mosquito, leaving a red mark.

"You make it sound like you're leaving him because of me. Why would you abandon a relationship when I'm gone? It could give you something to hold onto." Dodo sighed and leaned back to look at her face, brown hair covering both of them. "I don't want you to be miserable. I care about you."

_She's caring about what you have when she's the only one you can hold onto. _

“Can’t leave a relationship that isn’t one.” She chuckled, one mouth corner lifting. “I know that you care.” _Just not enough to stay. _Exhaling sharply, she finally decided to look away from the ceiling, turning to her side and staring straight at her best friend’s face. There was nothing she could have said, words would have only shown how bitter she was, how terrified and helpless. Instead, she looked, observing the curve of Dodo’s mouth, the mole on her bottom lip and her round chin. She looked up, tracing the soft shape of the girl’s nose and locked her gaze with the big brown eyes. There was too much. Too much that she would miss.

"You're a Madonna," Dodo whispered and closed her eyes for a few seconds. "You don't belong with crazy."

“You’re an idiot, Dodo.” _Because you’re the crazy one,_ she thought and leaned in, kissing the warm, plump lips once again.

The big brown eyes widened suddenly and met hers, observing her as their lips remained connected. The brown-haired girl tightened her grip around her waist and each spot that their skin was touching felt like the flame of a candle.

“Now, who’s the crazy one?” she whispered, leaning back only a few centimeters, feeling the small nose let out rough exhales that hit her wet lips.

"This isn't craziness," Dodo murmured and stroked over her hair, "this is curiosity."

“I’m not curious.” She didn’t like the way it sounded as if she was trying to explore something, one night before her best friend left for good. “Are you?”

"I like the way it feels, but I'm worried about you." The brown-haired girl looked serious as she kept holding her close and observing her face.

Wonhee would have laughed and the thought alone scared her because she didn’t think of herself as someone who was able to feel so much pain and bitterness. Sighing instead, she touched Dodo’s neck with her fingertips first, travelling further up, tracing the shell of her ear and sinking into her hair.

“Why would you be worried about me? Because of the kiss? I thought we are celebrating your new life. You’ll leave everything behind, so there can’t be any worries for you, Dodo.”

"You make it sound like I'm a selfish bitch abandoning everything and feeling nothing. That's bullshit, Wonhee. I just know that I'll go mad if I stay. I can't fucking do this anymore and deciding to leave everything behind including my family and friends is not something that I decided out of spite." Dodo squeezed her eyes shut and bit down on her bottom lip, holding the air in her lungs. "There was no other choice for me, but I don't want you to ruin things for you."

“I’m sorry for making it seem like that. I don’t think that you’re a selfish bitch. I’m just sad. And I won’t ruin anything for myself. I will take what you left me and make an Iron Man suit out of it,” she whispered and smiled. It was true. She wasn’t strong enough to buy a ticket to South America and fly after Dodo. She was going to stay here, in Stockholm, surrounded by the ‘sad people’ as Dodo called them, and surviving on her pointless persistence.

She reached between their bodies and stroked over the girl’s tattoo before touching her own. Stuff like that was supposed to make you feel connected, but why did she only feel like they were connected when the long thin arms pulled her into a warm embrace?

The slim girl shuddered, and she could feel the goosebumps that covered her best friend's skin. Still, Dodo didn't comment and merely reached out to touch hers, long fingers tracing the flowers and stopping at the curve of her breast.

"I wish I had enough time to build you one, made from those bones we saw at the exhibition at the beginning of the year. The ones that survived centuries."

“It’s enough. You did enough,” she said, and it was the truth. The years filled with meaning, with tears and so much fun, laughs and loud sobs when they were drunk and frustrated, lying in each other’s arms and comforting each other like nobody else could. She was thankful through the pain of separation because it wasn’t time yet. They were still in each other’s arms. “Thank you so much for being with me, Dodo.” She leaned in and kissed the girl once again, because it seemed the right thing to do.

"Thank you for letting me go," the girl whispered and stroked over her hair, letting herself be kissed as the cool air began to cover their skin in goosebumps. They still hadn't covered themselves with the blanket, but it didn't seem necessary.

Wonhee didn’t know if she would ever be able to let go.

“Let’s sleep.” She leaned back and reached for the blanket, covering them both and fighting the desire to touch, blaming it on the cold when she knew so well that it wasn’t the reason.

"Will you be okay?" Dodo asked and pulled her closer, unaware of her attempts to hold back from touching the other girl. "You're always so soft, like a cloud."

“Have you ever seen me not being okay?” Wonhee gave up and wrapped her arms around Dodo’s slim waist, feeling her tiny nipples against her own skin. Her whole body tingled and made it seem as if she was cold, skin covered in goosebumps. Despite the pain, she attempted to be even closer, thigh slipping between her best friend’s legs. “You have to promise me that you’ll be okay.”

"I'll be amazing, ride into the sunset on a giant turtle that I painted myself." Dodo laughed and kissed the top of her head.

“Can I kiss you one last time?” she asked quietly, face buried in the warm neck.

She felt the way the girl's hair brushed over her shoulder as Dodo nodded softly, exhaling against the top of her head before long fingers tilted it upwards to make their eyes meet.

Seeing the familiar stunning face, the face that appeared every time she was sad, every time she was proud or happy, made her feel more determination than she ever felt capable of. Indeed Dodo was her catalyst. Always. Grabbing the small face with both palms, she leaned close and exhaled softly, licking her lips and pressing them against Dodo’s plump mouth that gave in under pressure.

The beautiful girl kissed back, applying pressure herself and letting her eyes flutter shut. It wasn't something they had done before, not like this. All kisses they shared were brief and none of them had felt like this, only brief touches, on cheeks, forehead and sometimes stomach when Dodo wanted to make her laugh. The touch of their lips pulled her in like a magnet, unable to let go and deepening it, devastation taking over because she knew there would be nothing after. A nothing she wasn’t able to imagine yet, but knew that it was right there, a breath away.

Dodo was the one to break the kiss, she herself didn't dare to. Leaning back, brown eyes met her gaze as Dodo's big hand stroked over her way too long hair and pulled off her hair tie, throwing it to the side.

She removed both hands from the small face after staring way too long and hid them under her pillow as she lay there and couldn’t get enough of the big brown eyes. Something told her that she should have been uncomfortable and ashamed, but she felt neither. There was only a sadness that she felt could never be comforted by anything. Ever.

"Will you let me keep something of yours?" Dodo asked suddenly and sat up, letting the blanket fall to her lap and uncover her chest and the tattoo that curled around it.

“I don’t have anything. I would give you my virginity, but I don’t have it either.” She chuckled and turned to her back, staring at the painted ceiling again. "Just the hair tie that you threw from the bed.”

"I want a lock of your hair, that you're never allowed to cut," the brown-haired girl whispered, and she could feel her friend's eyes pass over the strands of hair that covered the pillow. "Can I have it?"

“Take it,” she whispered without moving. She didn’t have the energy to think about what Dodo wanted to do with her hair, but if she wanted it, she could have it. She could have it all, it didn’t matter.

Her best friend nodded and got off the bed, getting a pair of scissors and a small necklace with a locket. It looked old and Wonhee didn't know where Dodo might have gotten something like that from.

"It might seem creepy to you, but this is from my grandmother. They used to carry memories of their loved ones around like this. They thought it meant the person would remain close. I don't believe that, but I would like to have it." The brown-haired girl placed the necklace on the bed and slipped her thumb and index finger into the scissors. "Where can I cut?"

“Anywhere. It doesn’t matter.” She closed her eyes and tried to imagine how Dodo looked in the complete darkness, but there was only darkness. Uncreative people were like that. Unable to keep memories and living off creative people.

She felt warm fingers stroke over her cheek and upwards to her hairline before they slipped towards the back of her head and grasped a few strands. The scissors sounded rough next to her ear, but as soon as she heard them, the touch disappeared.

"Thank you," Dodo whispered and she heard her friend place the strands into the locket necklace. "Even though it must seem crazy to you."

“It doesn’t.” She sat up and opened her eyes, inhaling deeply, before slipping from the edge and grabbing her bra, putting it back on with a practiced movement before jumping into her jeans.

"What are you doing?" Dodo remained seated on the bed, eyes wide as she observed her getting dressed, but didn't move yet. The necklace was firmly clutched in her fist.

“I’ll sleep at home. I don’t think I will be able to fall asleep and you need to get up early tomorrow.” Another inhale followed, and it was almost torture forcing herself not to cry. Dodo made her feel as if it was okay, just that this time the tall girl was the reason for feeling terrible. The yellow shirt slipped down one of her shoulders and she picked up her hair tie, making a ponytail out of the mess on her head.

Instead of standing up, her best friend stayed on the bed in her underwear, watching her silently.

"Maybe it's for the best," she whispered, but it didn't sound like Dodo at all.

“I’m so sorry that I was never crazy enough to make you feel at home,” she whispered, smiling while her eyes filled, and she moved towards the door, grabbing her bag. “I hope there will only be beautiful things for you, Dodo. I love you.”

"You're an idiot," her best friend replied and for a short moment it sounded like Dodo was crying. But that couldn't be, it wouldn't be like the brown-haired girl at all, she always preferred to laugh things off that made her miserable. "But I still love you too."

“I am indeed.” She pushed the handle and left the familiarity of the perfectly designed apartment, rushing down the street and crying like crazy until she was far enough away and simply crouched down and buried her face in her hands. Her tears flowed like a river that didn’t make anything better, only accompanying the pain that she felt nothing could have relieved.

Dodo was right.

She was an idiot.

_

“Congratulations, this is one of the best essays I’ve read on this sculpture. You’re better than any of the art critics I know, Miss Lee. Seems as if you are going to graduate with many additional achievements. Great job.” The professor handed her the result of her course assessment and smiled brightly. She thanked her politely and stuffed the paper into her bag, nodding briefly. It felt good, so good that she ran out of the lecture hall and pulled out her phone, pressing the one before her brain registered what the fuck she was doing, and the female voice reminded her that the number didn’t exist. The number didn’t, and the person didn’t. Not for her.

She walked the shortest way to the restrooms and closed the door of one of the stalls, back pressed against the wall, breathing heavily and asking herself why she didn’t change the shortcuts five years ago, when she first tried to call Dodo to wish her a safe flight and heard the same message.

_Because you have hope, even though there is none._

She did well recently, didn’t cry as much, and only concentrated on finishing her studies because there was no point in doing anything else. Her Iron Man suit was almost finished. She only needed to succeed big time, and then there was nothing that she couldn’t do.

_Besides that one thing._

Gritting her teeth, she grabbed her phone so hard that her white hand turned even whiter at the sheer force. ‘Replace shortcut 1?’ it asked, and she exhaled, pressing yes and replaced Dodo’s number with three zeros. It seemed accurate. Dodo left, and she left gaping emptiness, nothing, zero times three. The only number that didn't add up.

When she walked out of the stall, the first thing that met her gaze was her long, wavy hair, the part Dodo cut was the same length as the rest now.

_Just cut it. You don’t need it. You don’t need anything._

Exhaling roughly, she took out her working scissors and stared at her own reflection, before cutting the locks a few centimeters below her ear, all of them, until there were only black waves covering the dirty sink.

_Now they’re gone too. There’s only you._

There was only her and the continuous presence of emptiness, of the feeling that something was lacking, painting her world grey without any opportunity to get the colors back. No matter how many times she stared at beautiful art pieces, wrote so many meaningful words, nothing could ever compare to her colors. The colors of her smile, her low, mocking voice and her face when she sat on the bed, watching her leave.

The only colorful thing in her life was the ghost-like presence of the only person she had ever loved.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please don't give up and fight for Wonho!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 20th of November at 2 PM CET.  
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Neon decorations on small establishments, shabby chairs, and cobbled streets. Vila Mimosa looked exactly the way she remembered it to be; dark and only waiting to tell a story that unfortunately nobody wanted to hear.

She turned around the corner into Rua Sotero dos Reis and was grateful that she knew what she was looking for. With the many construction sites surrounding the area, it was easy to miss the target unless one knew exactly where to go.

Vila Mimosa was a dangerous place to be, especially for somebody like her, but she wasn't stupid and knew how to get around and make herself invisible if she needed to. It was another art she had learned throughout several years of traveling.

The whole place seemed to be holding its breath, waiting for a decent gulp of air to come back to life the way it always did late at night. The yellow light of a small street lamp that spanned the road, kept flickering in an attempt to shine for a little while longer. It was attempting to hold its breath too.

The surrounding brothels and illegal establishments weren't what she was looking for. They were only part of the effect of the story she wanted to tell. Anybody who didn't know the area wouldn't suspect it to harbor Rio de Janeiro's oldest red-light district. Each building pretended to be something else, be it a laundry room, a pool hall or a bar. She didn't believe any of those and there was no reason to. Running a brothel was illegal in Brazil and pretending to be something else was the perfect way to hide it.

Pulling her hood over her head to hide most of her face, she made her way past the countless shops and avoided the glances of curious locals. It wasn't good to stand out around here, especially not as a woman.

Her backpack wasn't heavy, but some of the spray bottles kept clattering and she regretted not cushioning them with a dress or something else soft that she barely wore in Rio.

Once she passed a small bar with a yellow neon sign and a few ladies smoking outside of it, she turned into the next alley and made her way to the back of one of her favorite buildings in the area. The time was just right to create art, perfect to not run into a bunch of customers and be able to work in a spot that was perfectly visible.

_You owe the movement at least that._

She threw her backpack on the ground right next to the wall and took a few steps back to figure out where she wanted her masterpiece to be. The wave going down the middle of the structure was perfect for what she wanted to do, the message she wanted to send.

Rio de Janeiro was one of the best cities for street art, but what she was doing didn't qualify as graffiti only. It was time to show Rio something more contemporary, an art that São Paulo had recently enjoyed.

_You've been wanting to do this since you came to Brazil._

Grabbing a black spray can out of her bag, she shook it thoroughly and got to work, drawing the outline of a woman with one arm caressing her chest while the other was covering her face. Only the eyes were visible through the spaces between the woman's fingers. It was the first step before the wall was going to help her do the rest. The image already left an impression, even if it was unfinished and only a bunch of lines. colors were what motivated others to look, to find a detail that didn't fit in, a line that was too rough.

_It has to show both; the consequence and the wrong assumption of its cause._

The colors were next. She had mixed herself a nice golden skin color beforehand and a few shading tones to emphasise the expanse of naked skin that she painted on the wall. The woman took form, her round breasts, the remains of her dress that was mostly ripped at her thighs and the dark green eyes that shone through the spread fingers.

_It looks like an incident from every day in the area, only that you don't want her to look like a young and perfect girl. It's a stupid depiction of unrealistic expectations._

Young and pretty girls weren't the only victims. All girls and women were.

She added maturity to the drawing and color to the round but plump lips. The depiction was meant to appear local, to speak to the women that walked past it and hopefully also to the men that didn't waste a thought on the wellbeing of the women around them.

Once the naked woman in front of her was completed, she began with the most important part, grabbing blue and black paint to add slashes all across it, figurative bruises and hurt that changed the look of perfection everybody else tried to paint.

_You're tired of it already. It's not the stories they should be telling._

Once she had enough of the black and blue, she added red, turning the portrayal gruesome. Only the finishing touch was missing.

_Because it's not only on the surface, it cuts deep. _

Taking one of her rough sculpting tools from her backpack, she stepped closer to the wall and began to add depth to the slashes she created. They weren't superficial, something that was visible from the outside but didn't cause lasting damage. It wasn't true and this artwork was the least she could contribute to Rio's project on art to fight violence against women. Only last week a woman had been shot by a client in one of the brothels in Vila Mimosa.

Taking a deep breath and relaxing her hands that were throbbing from the effort of working through firm stone, she finally stepped back to examine the result. She finished it off with color for the white that shone through the depth she created. The softness of another body behind her caught her off guard and she yelped, revealing through her high pitch that she was a woman.

_Shit, now you better distract and run if necessary. They all know you shouldn't be here._

Turning around and pulling her hood a little lower, she was positively surprised to see that it wasn't a member of a local gang but another woman, almost her height, dressed in black and only her fair skin seemed very unusual, at least in a place like that.

"Do you speak English?" the elegant woman asked in Portuguese with an accent, stepping closer.

The accent wasn't necessary to identify that she wasn't from Rio, especially since most women coming to the area didn't dress in black.

"I do," she replied and lifted her hood, aware that there was no danger coming from the person in front of her. For that she asked the wrong questions.

"Good. Will you be doing more of these, or are you tripping on crack?" The woman tilted her head, lifting one eyebrow and observed her closely, one hand remaining in the pocket of her jeans.

_You've been on this crack trip since you could dunk your hand into a pot of color._

"It's my contribution to Rio's project for violence against women, so yes, I will do more of 'these' if 'these' happens to be your general term for art," she replied and felt the urge to untie the bun on her head and feel the long strands on her shoulders. She wasn't herself without them.

"Yeah. I meant art. Don't think about jumping me, I have no problem using this." A pale hand appeared from the pocket where the woman kept it, holding a knife. Instead of attacking her, the tall figure placed the weapon into her bag and pulled out a phone, taking a few pictures of her art piece.

"Do you live here? Cause my best friend is an art director at a very fancy place in London and really digs stuff like this. Wait, I'll ask her." Not caring about her or her work, the long, slim fingers typed words into a messaging app, before the phone buzzed and she picked up what turned out to be a call.

_She's too nonchalant to be familiar with this area of Rio. She could get in trouble, with or without that knife._

"What time is it even over there?" There was a quiet chuckle, a glance in her direction and a very obvious grin that looked like a mixture of beautiful and highly intimidating. "Found a gem, right? Want her?" Then the woman nodded and pulled down the hood from her jacket, revealing big brown curls, framing her attractive face. Slipping her smartphone into the inner pocket of her bag, the woman stretched out her hand. "Hi. I'm Dior."

_Like the brand?_

A woman like that definitely didn't belong in Vila Mimosa, but the knife told her that Dior had at least not come unprepared.

Glancing around once, because she liked to make sure, her fingers quickly pulled down her own hood before grasping the other woman's pale hand.

"My pseudonym is LiFa," she replied, loving the foreign sound of it. It was better to explain the acronym another time.

"Great, LiFa. Are you interested in doing some work that many people will see? And at the same time make some real good money? Because my friend is that bitch when it comes to getting funds from ugly old men. The only thing is, that you would have to come to London, because we can't fly the wall there. She'll pay for your flight." Shaking her hand tightly, Dior let go and stared, waiting for her reply.

_A little fishy, isn't it? _

She pursed her lips and resisted the urge to brush through her hair because it was still tied.

"You might have to present a little more credibility for that, _Dior_. Offers to make big money aren't really believable on these streets."

Lifting her eyebrow, the woman sighed and glanced into her bag, pulling out the knife. Her heartbeat sped up, however, instead of attacking her, Dior took out a thick envelope.

"You're lucky that the president's son likes to be spanked so much and can't pay me by depositing the whole sum into one of my overseas accounts, so I have 8k Reais here. I can give them to you if you promise me you’ll come. If you don't, you can be sure that I'll find you and get it back. I don't give money for free. It's hard earned, you know?" Glancing around, the pretty stranger opened the big envelope, holding the knife with her teeth and took out a fat stack of bills.

_What the fuck?_

There were quite some things that she had seen throughout her time in South America and especially this area of Rio but having an obviously high class woman offer her 8k to jump on a plane to London was new. The only catch was if it didn't go to London and she ended up being sold to some filthy bastard that couldn't find her g-spot. Those were the worst.

_Doesn't look like it though._

Dior, despite the unusual name, didn't seem like somebody who would sell her off. For that, the other woman hadn't seen enough of her body and her face was only revealed belatedly.

"Let's get out of here and you can tell me a little more," she replied instead of accepting and packed her stuff into the backpack and threw it over her shoulder. Her hood was quickly set back in place and she gestured for Dior to follow her. There was a nice bar not too far from here and it was safe enough for the two of them to talk in peace.

Her lips itched to just agree and start the next journey, returning to Europe after a long time and see how much changed, but adventures weren't that easy. The offers came suddenly, but rarely were they this tempting and promising.

"You should have said that you only need to see it, now this currency is driving me nuts. Why would they have so many bills for so little cash?" Groaning loudly but thankfully after they moved out of the most dangerous alley, the woman caught up with her. "But well, watch the pound become a pile of horseshit after Boris, that clown is done ruining the country. Where are we going? I hope you're not underestimating me. I can't remember your pseudonym. It's weird."

_The pound has already lost its standing. Not surprising considering the bunch of racists in power. _

"Says the woman with a name that sounds like a fashion brand. Did you look expensive at birth?" she commented and wondered how much knife welding was hiding behind the high society look. "We're going to a bar where people like you and me can talk without the risk of getting stabbed." _Or worse._

Eyeing her briefly, Dior sighed in disappointment. "You don't look as if you like to be spanked, but you might look cute in shibari. But then again, you're poor and I don't like your attitude. Sad. Anyways, I looked like a wrinkled rag at birth, like literally all of us. My mom gave me that name, so I'm Dior. As simple as that."

_What are you supposed to say to that? Your mom called you 'Dodo'._

She was grateful that she didn't look like she had money, after all that was the point, but a grin still spread her lips. Hoodies were far from her usual look, but Dior didn't know that.

_She must be working here, but for that she's earning too much._

"I'm not particularly into spanking, I'm sorry. But you look like you made enough to last you a while." Turning onto a bigger street that led them away from the red-light district, she relaxed and removed her hood for good, before pulling the holder out of her bun. The sensation of weight on her shoulders was perfect. "It's over there."

Gesturing towards a small bar at the corner, she waved at the owner who was busy cleaning glasses and smiled. The middle-aged woman nodded and quickly wiped over a table in a corner for them.

"So, what's the deal?" she asked as she settled into the wooden bench and crossed her legs, observing the woman dressed completely in black.

Dior didn't reply and started taking off her jacket slowly, revealing a black latex shirt that looked like a turtle neck, covering her body tightly and leaving no room for imagination.

_Definitely in the business, but obviously not in Rio. _

"The money? That was for half an hour. It was supposed to be more, but men are so entitled, especially when they're younger, so I had to show him his boundaries, you know? Step on him. Quite literally." Pointing at her her heels that looked painful to be stepped on with, the brown-haired woman glanced at the bar and sighed again.

"They won't have good gin and tonic, so I'll cut to the chase. My best friend is the director of a very famous modern art gallery and she loves shit like that thing you did on the wall. I promised her to come here after work, even though my client was in a different place, a 'less prostitutes and more the marble floor' kind of place. Anyways, I promised to take some pictures of the street art here and found you. I called her and asked whether you're her thing and she told me to bring you no matter what. That's the story. You'll get money and make art. You will have to show her more of what you do, but there's a guaranteed living space and good pay for the time you stay, even if either of you decide against doing a permanent exhibition. I have to tell you, because I'm not sure how familiar you are with this, of course she liked what you did just now, but many artists do one thing well and fuck up the rest, so she'll have to see. You can keep the money though, even if it doesn't work out and you may be able to make some more to take along when you leave."

_She's being serious._

Not many people knew how galleries worked and even less came to Vila Mimosa for the art. One needed to know where to go and what to look for.

_Like you._

"This was exactly what surprised me. How can you fly an artist over to London because of a single piece, a participation in a city-wide project?" she asked and finally brushed through her hair, letting the strands fall loosely on her chest as she observed the other woman. She definitely didn't belong in Rio, but London fit her rather well.

"Because she's a crazy, stubborn bitch. And, because I love her too much, so I'm doing shit like this even though it's not my job. I don't think anybody else has the ability to secure as much funding as she does. That's probably the only reason for her making it as a woman. Sad truth. You're only the second one in five years that she wants me to bring along, so you can feel special, but don't get your hopes up too high. Just see it as an opportunity to be artsy and make money to buy the stuff you want. Plus, you can combine it with visiting London. It's ugly, people never smile, and you'll get rained on. You'll have the best time." Dior chuckled and brushed a lock behind her ear. Glancing around, she found a male bartender and beckoned him over, ordering two gin and tonic.

Dodo couldn't help but smile at the way the other woman communicated with men while contemplating on her words. The words 'crazy, stubborn bitch' evoked the image of pitch-black hair and curved lips in her mind, but she kept it in the depths of her memories where it was safer.

_No need to pull those thoughts out now._

Dior must have assumed that she had never been to London, that she’d been stuck in Brazil for a long time and was struggling to get by. It was okay and almost ten years ago it would have applied to her situation.

There were several things she liked about the deal. First of all that it was a critical piece that would gain attention from the exposure. Liberty and critique were exactly what she specialised in. There was no art for her without a story to tell, a message to bring across.

_You also like that the director is female. That's a first._

"Sounds agreeable," she replied and felt personal satisfaction at the knowledge that there was something beautifully bright under all the blackness that covered her body. Sadly, sometimes safety was more important. "When do you want me to be at the airport?"

_You love adventures too much to say no. These opportunities are exactly what drives you, aren't they?_

"I'm flying out tomorrow because the client was meh, but my friend sounded as if she was extremely excited. That doesn't happen often, so you should hurry to not miss the point where your art can still reach the inside of the Iron Man suit." Winking briefly, Dior slapped a bill against the bartender's firm chest after he subtly tried to touch her fingers while putting the glasses on the table. "No touching," she hissed in Portugese and held the man's gaze with an intensity that was scary, especially considering her obvious physical disadvantage.

_Impressive._

"I can be there tomorrow," she remarked after meeting the bartender's gaze. She hadn't seen him around before, mostly used to the middle-aged woman that ran the establishment. He didn't seem particularly knowledgeable in what he was doing, so he didn't catch her interest. "There isn't much holding me here."

_There never is._

"Flexible. I like that." The gorgeous woman pulled out her phone and was busy for a few minutes, before looking up and catching her gaze. "There's a flight at noon, you can take that, I'll leave you the money because I don't want to transport that shit on the plane. Here is my number, call me if something comes up." Dior placed a black card with a white number on it in front of her. There was no name, nothing. Just the number. "Call once, so that I have your number and look out for a message after you arrive. I'll send you the accommodation details and probably a cab. You'll have time to unpack and get over your jet lag before we go meet her in the evening. Sounds good?"

Again, it sounded suspiciously unofficial, but it wasn't the kind of shady that she looked out for. It was her choice to jump on a plane and if it didn't go to London, then she wasn't going to be on it. Simple as that.

"Good enough for me," she replied and took a sip of her drink, instantly realising that it was stronger than usual. That bartender was definitely up to no good.

"Our cabs just arrived, let's go." Dior slipped her jacket on and pulled her up, tugging her along to the exit where two cars were waiting for them. "You can take that one, and I'll go back to the marble floors. They feel cool if you walk on them barefoot. I need that after these heels." The woman winked and opened the door for her, nodding at the female driver as if she knew her, which was weird. "I really hope she likes your stuff. You seem fun," the pleasant voice said and the door closed before the driver asked her where she needed to go.

Mentioning the address of the small house where she stayed with an elderly woman, she settled in the seat and wondered how easy it was going to be to tell Ana that she was leaving.

_But she knew, you told her that you never stay for long._

That was something she also learned over the years. Goodbyes don't hurt less when they are known, but at least the other person can prepare.

It was exciting to change countries again, to immerse herself into an utterly different culture and make people angry by showing elements of other cultures in her art. Fusion was what she loved doing the most.

Even if she didn't end up working for a gallery in the end, London had enough places where LiFa could leave a mark.

_

Glass doors parted right in front of her and gave her a glimpse of a patch of blue sky that was circled by grey clouds like a gang of hungry hyenas. Dior had warned her about the weather, but at least the sunshine was still trying to fight for attention.

_You can commemorate it on the grey walls of London. Maybe it'll give them some sunshine from the inside._

Placing her neon blue and green sneakers on the first patch of proper ground in the UK, Dodo took a deep breath and was grateful for the fact that she wore a black pencil skirt. The wind was no joke and tousled her hair like linen that was hung to dry on a ship during a storm.

As agreed, she had given Dior a call without the need for conversation and received the address of the hotel she was supposed to stay at until her meeting with that infamous director she didn't even know the name of. It didn't really matter, LiFa didn't adjust her art for a museum. It either fit or it didn't.

_You didn't leave home ten years ago to do exactly what you always hated so much._

London didn't feel like home, not at all, but the cool air was familiar and so were the faces that observed her intently, an elderly woman shaking her head at her choice of attire.

_She thinks that because she was taught to follow arbitrary rules of conduct._

Dodo wasn't naked, she was dressed in a gorgeous marine blue blouse, a white Trench Coat and a black pencil skirt. Her platform neon green and blue sneakers were the perfect finish for what was otherwise an elegant look. She liked to be even taller than she already was, it intimidated people.

_Because otherwise you're not particularly intimidating._

A taxi driver with her pseudonym on a sign was waiting next to a black Bentley and she couldn't help but wonder if he was hired privately for this purpose.

_He could be driving you anywhere, be careful._

Smiling briefly, she got into the backseat and turned on her location tracker, making sure she could follow their route to the hotel. The driver wasn't particularly communicative which was fine. The flight had been a long one and the throbbing in her temples remained since the landing.

_You'll have to sleep before you go meet anybody._

It also didn't help that the hurt look of Ana remained in front of her inner eye. The elderly woman had taken her in without any questions and supported her until she was able to pay her for her hospitality. The fact that she wasn't going to see the older women again tugged at her chest.

_But that's how it is. You never see them again._

Keeping her eyes on the map, she leaned back and to her surprise the driver took the fastest route to the hotel, not bothering to comment or point out any of the landmarks they passed. Brazil was not that quiet, so maybe it was time to adapt again.

Once she arrived at the obviously high-class establishment and threw herself on top of the soft sheets of a bed that was at least two meters wide, she realized how strange it felt to be somewhere else.

_It's always strange at first and then it gets exciting._

Her last time in London had been 4 years ago, a brief stop during which she participated in a project to draw on an old building that was meant to be demolished but never was because the company ran out of money. It was the perfect place for a dystopian installment without an explanation.

Usually she had a reason for going to the next city, a goal she was working towards or a story to tell. This time the story had to come to her.

_Will you find what you are looking for here?_

At this point she wasn't even too sure what exactly it was that she was searching for. Maybe it was always something new, something exciting that changed her point of view. After ten years it started to become difficult and the lack of change was mostly a source of frustration. That was the main reason she had gone to Brazil several months ago, to bring modern art to Rio and participate in the projects that remained silent across the world.

_But now you're going to be in London, the place that people come to for galleries with the conviction that they know better than everybody else._

Dodo didn't believe in art critique, not really. She only believed in meaningfulness. If it wasn't meaningless there was worth.

_Once you have no stories left to tell, you might just as well die._

Inhaling sharply, she sat up and removed her sneakers and socks, before letting her blouse, skirt and underwear join the heap. Her long fingers briefly brushed over the tattoo on her side that had a single white line pass right through it, as if it was cut on purpose.

_You resemble the drawing you left in Rio. _

Sighing, she curled up in the warm blanket and stared at the city behind the big window across from her bed. It was an unnecessary luxury that she had abandoned several weeks after leaving home when the money ran out, but still, it was nice to feel it again. To remember that it wasn't something to take for granted.

_Let it all sink in and see what stories London will give you to tell._

_

Her choice of clothes was perfect for her body type, a loose blouse because she was flat-chested and a tight skirt that ended shortly after her slim thighs began. She was too thin, but there was nothing she hadn't tried to change that, so she hid it with clothes or was grateful for the effect it had on her health.

_Your face usually gets you enough attention._

Because she decided to wear black heels to keep the formal look, her knee-high socks were a bright yellow, the way egg yolk looked when it was fresh. She loved it and turned in front of the mirror once, letting her brown hair brush over her shoulders and graze her face. She was transporting the bright sun to London in her own way.

_You'll have to explore it later, see what treasures you can find._

Again, there was a cab waiting for her in front of the hotel, but instead of being empty there was already somebody inside. The vague silhouette of curls was enough to recognise the woman behind the window as Dior. Her benefactor must have decided to pick her up in person.

"Good evening," she commented and waited for the driver to open the door for her. She could have done it herself, but she enjoyed this type of care. Only when she sat down next to the shorter woman dressed in tight black jeans and a Versace shirt, did she realise that Dior had only seen her in pitch black and a hoodie.

"Did you have a makeover, or do you think that you need to do this for work? You don't. She doesn't care about stuff like that." The woman smiled, bright red lipstick and perfect makeup completing her expensive look.

_She fits right into London high society._

Pursing her lips, she leaned back and wondered if she really wanted to comment. She had given up on explaining her intentions a long time ago. It was no fun when she had to explain every single thought behind her art and clothing choices.

"This is how I dress," she said eventually and played with a lock of her hair. "I just know how to avoid getting stabbed."

"I guess those skills are handy. I was happy about all those self-defense courses I did for my job when I walked down the street and found you, so I understand that. Are you hungry? We're going to eat." Dior leaned back, beautiful curls spread over the leather.

"I thought we were going to meet that director friend of yours," she pointed out and wondered why the other woman was bothering with collecting artists in the red-light district of Rio.

_She sounded like she does it for her friend while not enjoying it much._

"Directors need to eat too. She was working until now, so I forced her to go out for dinner because she would've just skipped it. She knew your pseudonym, by the way, which borders on magic. I couldn't remember it and she told me. She must be familiar with what you do."

_She knows you?_

That got her heart to beat a little faster, because if the director of a London gallery heard of her, then she must have been doing a good job. Not like she needed the recognition to feel good about herself, but the fact that her work had reached this far was encouragement to continue. The work that was displayed in London was rarely by somebody without international fame. One had to be established to end up in a museum in London and 'LiFa' was definitely not established. Her work was niche work, pieces that appeared all over the world and made it difficult to point out where exactly she was.

_But that director managed to find you by chance and even knows what you do._

Dodo was still curious about the fact that for once it was a woman leading a gallery. A woman that was able to identify her style and figure out which works were hers. Her paintings were usually signed, but everything else rarely carried her pseudonym in visible places. It was the topic and style that made it hers.

_Because you have finally found your own._

"I'm looking forward to meeting her then. My work is mostly known outside of Europe, so I'm glad she knows it," she replied and looked outside the window at the passing buildings and office skyscrapers.

"Oh." Dior laughed and shook her head. "She knows so much, girl. I don't think she's similar to anybody I've met before. And I bet you haven't met anybody like that either. There's persistence, knowledge and the energy of the whole universe concentrated in one tiny human. We have known each other for years and she still manages to surprise me. You should feel honoured. Seriously. She's the only reason I'm escorting street artists instead of making money for being an expert in using old men as chairs."

_She must be dominating men, a nice way of spending one's time and earning money._

Dior must have been very fond of her friend to talk of her so greatly. It was nice to hear even if Dodo didn't know the director yet and wouldn't consider herself familiar with Dior either. The curly-haired woman had something impenetrable to her, but it might have been a side effect of the profession. One couldn't be sure.

She nodded and looked out for hidden gems, artworks that covered the walls of the city or statues that had been there for a long time. In the business district there was nothing, only tall buildings and meaningless glass walls. Dodo liked glass, but only when it was used properly, and its features were considered.

"I'll let her surprise me," she added and kept her gaze fixed on the outside. A female director was a rarity, not something a lot of women were able to achieve. The glass ceiling was as thick as ever. Still, Dodo couldn't be sure about the degree to which that woman followed the whims of the experts, people that considered themselves the sole decision makers for what constitutes real art.

"You'll see the suit. The Iron Man suit, but you don't need to see anything else. It's about work." Dior turned away and gestured at the driver to let them out around the corner. "We're here."

There was something about the term 'Iron Man suit' that disturbed her, but she couldn't tell what it was, not yet. Several years ago, she had included it in a sketch of hers, but never really turned it into anything.

_There was more to it though._

"Let's go then," she commented when the car stopped, and she got out instantly, unwilling to wait for the driver to come around. Her heels were comfortable, and she pulled up her knee-highs to make sure she saw enough yellow whenever she glanced down. She liked the concept, but as usual no one else would be able to tell what it was.

They entered the restaurant and Dior walked to the man at the front, saying that she reserved a table for three by the name Lee. The waiter nodded and led them through the spacious room with a few free tables.

"Ah, there she is. She wasn't home, that bitch," Dior murmured, sounding annoyed and happy at the same time. Raising her hand, she pointed at a figure that sat with her back turned to them. Black hair, approximately shoulder length and a grey jumpsuit that she could only recognise because she could see the woman's crossed legs that were covered by the same fabric, small feet covered in grey leather high heels. She was staring at something in front of her and didn't lift her head, even when they came closer and the waiter gestured for them to sit.

"She's looking at the photos again, isn't she?" Dior sighed and placed both hands on the slim shoulders, leaning in and placing a kiss against her cheek.

"You're here," the pleasant voice replied, all of the above without any hint of interest. "When is LiFa coming?"

The infamous director didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about seeing her friend, unlike said friend.

"I brought her, she's here, you should say hi."

Delicate hands caught her attention as they stroked over the book, before the black-haired woman closed it carefully and stood up, turning around at the same time and smiling brightly. The round eyes caught her gaze in a second, keeping it infinitely without moving away and widening. The smile on the curved lips disappeared the longer she stared, making room for a change of expression. Dodo felt like the air got stuck in her throat and refused to leave. The situation resembled dreams she had so many years ago and none of these had ever ended well.

"Aren't you going to say hi, Wonhee?" Dior asked next to them and pulled at the woman's sleeve.

Her eyes stared right back at those black ones, round and resembling two circles that she had drawn on the ceiling of her bedroom many years ago. The round face and soft cheeks, all of it was familiar even when the whole image was not. She knew those curved lips and the way the mouth corners slipped upwards, resembling a smile even when there wasn't one. She had used the same feature in countless pieces because she loved the expression it had, the mystery that hid beyond neutrality and amusement.

The sight tugged at her memories, threatened to open a mental lock that Dodo had placed on the door behind which they were hidden. She remembered long hair, but in front of her was a woman with shoulder length strands, the length to which she had cut one back then.

_Why are you remembering all this? It's ages ago. _

The mere thought that it was the girl she had grown up with and left in Stockholm ten years ago felt strange, like one of the bad dreams that she woke up from, right after leaving.

_She changed so much, but it is still her._

A barely noticeable exhale left the curved mouth and something about the situation changed when the black-haired woman straightened her shoulders and turned to Dior. "This is LiFa?" she asked.

Dior nodded, gaze jumping between them in confusion, before the short woman turned around and stretched out her hand, shoulders straight and a friendly but emotionless smile on her face. "Nice to meet you, LiFa. I'm Wonhee Lee."

_Perfectly assimilated and fitting right in. It's exactly the way it has always been._

Dodo would have chuckled if it hadn't been so terribly sad. The way the round eyes relaxed and all surprise disappeared tugged at her chest, but it was exactly the way she had always imagined them living their lives in the end. Just looking at the two of them gave her the reflection of her expectations. Wonhee continued to fit right into society and reach great things whereas she was fueling her crazy, the way she always knew she had to.

_Now you're living in two different worlds, of course she doesn't say a word. You're not Wonhee and Dodo, you're the director of an art gallery and the artist LiFa. _

"Nice to meet you too," she forced herself to reply, but didn't bother to repeat her pseudonym. The woman in front of her knew it and if she still remembered, she was the person that knew the most about her on this earth.

_But there is no reason for her to remember, just like you should have gotten rid of everything._

"I know many of your works and appreciate them greatly, so it's an honour that you agreed to come to London. I hope your accommodation is okay, I trusted my friend with this." A brief nod followed. "I wanted to take this opportunity to meet in a lighter atmosphere, however, I came right from work and had to meet an old man with limited cognitive abilities, so my attire is a little… " Wonhee glanced at her knee-highs and she could see a brief twitch in the woman's bottom lip, because she knew where to look. "Your outfit on the other hand, is like sunshine on a rainy day. Please take a seat."

_She knows, even if she doesn't want to show it._

Dodo's eyes widened involuntarily as she kept staring at Wonhee and contemplated how much must have changed after all. Not even once had the other girl been able to guess her intentions with her clothing choices, but now she did it so easily in a side comment.

_But now it doesn't matter to her, it's just an observation._

"It is," she agreed quietly and let herself fall on the soft couch, legs immediately crossing and fingers playing with her long hair. She didn't want to look affected when Wonhee was obviously the one deciding to pretend that they didn't know each other. Who knows, maybe they really didn't. After all, enough time has passed for both of them to become entirely different people. "I don't care about other people's clothes, unless they tell me a story, so you don't need to worry. It's cool that you like my art enough to fly me over from Brazil. Usually I'm the one traveling on my own."

_Because you're the one who decides where art will lead you next. Not even once have you listened to a call unless it was promising to show something._

Dior sat next to the black-haired woman and kept stealing glances without making any comment.

_She's unusually quiet compared to her talkativeness from before._

"Let me cut it short. I'm planning a big exhibition in and around the Tate Modern Museum. Dior told you that I'm doing some work at the Tate, right? The whole concept will circle around feminism and female sexuality and I want to create an interactive space paired with street and public art, available for everybody. I'm a fan of your works and am sure that you can contribute to it in the most meaningful way, if you agree to the details. I'm not sure how much Dior told you, but accommodation is provided by us, you get free access to material and the space at the Tate modern. It might sound weird, but we've bought some walls, in particular, surfaces around the city, so you can get familiar with those too. The salary until the exhibition starts is 3k pounds a month and if you become part of the main exhibition, you’ll get additional money. If you want to do any of it, of course." Wonhee took the book that looked like a journal and stroked over it, before placing it into her bag. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can stay with you for dinner, but maybe it’s better. This way, you can think about our offer and if you need more information, my friend is surely competent enough to answer all your questions. It was a pleasure meeting you.” The black-haired woman stood up and nodded at Dior, who didn’t say anything and simply turned to her, starting to tell her about the food choice while she watched Wonhee walk out. Her back was straight, and it only took a few confident steps for the figure to disappear out of her sight, not looking back even once.

Her feelings were mixed as she took the menu that Dior handed her and forced herself to stare at it instead of following the steps of her childhood friend, that pretended not to know her. It wasn't like Dodo to feel heaviness in the pit of her stomach. After all, she had been the one to leave and not looking back was one of her roles. As somebody who rarely stayed in one place, it was only natural that she didn't create bonds that were too intimate with anybody. She had never seen anybody again that she left behind before, not until now.

But this time it wasn't only about her. The lead in the pit of her stomach didn't come from the knowledge that there was the potential to hurt somebody. It stemmed from the knowledge that it was somebody she had hurt and as a result that person decided to have nothing to do with her.

_Why are you even surprised?_

After all, the two of them had always been living in different worlds.

***

The colors were perfect.

She observed the lines that turned into a painting, perfectly ingrained into the wall. If she looked closer, there was depth that the artist created by using non-conventional methods, like scrubbing off parts of the surface, or simply taking out elements of the wall under the drawing, making it vulnerable, real.

_They are exceptional._

LiFa was her favorite artist and she had even travelled herself to look at some of the works when she had time. Like a few months ago in Thailand, when she kneeled next to the wall and closed her eyes, stroking over the removed pieces, imagining that it made her understand what the artist wanted to show. How the surface yielded to any tool they used. Their hands were more than just implements.

_You want those hands to create here._

She completely blended out the noisy restaurant, analyzing the photograph Dior sent her that she printed out, showing the abused woman on the gigantic wall. That art piece being in one of the most dangerous districts of Rio, was another statement that she got goosebumps from. Wonhee needed every-fucking-body to feel those goosebumps.

Thinking about it, LiFa reminded her of Keith Haring’s works during the 1980s, when he started drawing in New York’s subway, talking about AIDS and LGBT issues while giving the art to everybody, making it public and accessible. LiFa did the same, and Wonhee loved them for it.

_You need them, no matter what, Wonhee._

She was interrupted by her friend’s kiss and warm, bony hands on her shoulders. Dior had a very distinct touch and was easily recognizable. Wonhee needed to say hi, but she wanted to be prepared, to let go of the artwork that she analyzed for two hours first. Her obsession had been the reason she didn’t manage to change into clothes that didn’t scream ‘female executive’. She knew herself well and if she did something, she was perfectly aware of the reason.

_You learned it well._

Getting up and saying ‘hi’ didn’t go as planned. She should have been happy to finally meet the artist she was so fond of, was inspired by, spent days and nights studying the paintings and artworks of, however, there was nothing that could have prepared her adequately for what happened instead.

The big eyes with long lashes were first. It was like a punch in the guts, already enough to knock her out, lose her smile, her thoughts, her breath, everything at once. How she managed to not faint or hyperventilate, she didn’t know. Maybe the years she spent building the Iron Man suit did the job after all.

_She is the same._

The beautiful long hair that framed the small face was the same length, and her skin had gotten more color than Wonhee remembered. There was nothing that would have made her think that the person in front of her was ten years older. She stayed the same, beautiful, elegant, wearing the sun on her feet and the world under it.

_You should have known. It was the colors._

Her heart ripped open. That’s how it felt. The only reason the blood didn’t spill all over the place was her grey jumpsuit and the fact that she strategically wore it to appear stricter and more competent. People were superficial and disgusting towards free expression, but it was what saved her from breaking down right in front of the woman she could never forget, no matter how hard she tried.

_She would have never come if she knew it was you. Don’t get weak. Don’t. You can’t._

She begged herself while the seconds ticked by, filled with Dior’s confused gazes, immediately recognizing her discomfort and the pain in her expression. Of course, she was in pain, but it was only okay at home, on her couch, hugging the one picture she had and crying about all the things she had never said. Rewording the last sentence she spoke before leaving the girl’s apartment, imagining different outcomes and crying a thousand times.

All of it was irrelevant, because this was reality. She was the director of the Tate, and LiFa was a genius artist. There was no reason for her to be in pain, was there? Why would someone who cut off all contact ten years ago suddenly return to work with her? It didn’t make any sense; however, business was business, wasn’t it? She didn’t work like crazy, fighting all the misogyny and sexism on her way up to be swept off her feet by some woman from the past.

_Some woman?_

Exhaling sharply, Wonhee let her eyes flutter shut once and turned to her best friend, asking her whether it was LiFa, even though she knew it from the first time she saw those eyes, still fierce and unchanged after ten years.

_She wanted to change so badly, but it seems as if the only one who changed was you. She changed you._

Slipping back into her imaginary Iron Man suit, she smiled and shook the bony hand, struck by another wave of memories, but suppressing them successfully. Explaining all the details, she suggested that LiFa should think about the deal and tell her later and that she wouldn’t stay for dinner, giving Dior a sign that she needed to take over.

Straightening her back and taking ahold of her emotions, Wonhee walked out of the restaurant, not looking back even once.

_Now you only need to run down the street and break down crying and nothing changed in those ten years._

She didn’t. She caught a cab and told the driver her address, staring out the window and watching the wet streets pass by, just like all those years seemed to have passed by, only for the devils on her shoulders to laugh at her and her decision to bring the person she didn’t want to think about, right in front of her face.

_You imagined it so many times, and you meet her in a way you have never imagined. Completely unprepared and with a dependency relationship involved. You need her, but she doesn’t need you. She never really cared about money, or you, and you know that._

Her head hurt when she took the elevator to the fifth floor and opened the door to her apartment, abandoning her heels next to the cupboard in the hallway and stretching out on the fluffy carpet. Her ceiling was black. She liked to lie on the floor and look up sometimes. Especially when it got too much, when she needed to see nothing, simply nothing. Why was it so much easier when she was younger?

Her eyes closed, and she felt the lump in her throat that could turn into tears at any moment move up, dangerously close. That’s when she relaxed her body purposefully, the way her therapist had taught her back in the day and only felt darkness surrounding her thoughts.

_

She woke up because someone was banging on the door. It could only be one person, so she crawled over, glancing through the peephole and pushing the handle.

“What is going on, Wonhee? What happened? You wanted me to bring her to London, didn’t you? Why that face? Why did you suddenly leave? Why would you be so weirdly professional? You’re never like that with artists.” Dior glanced down and sighed. “Did you lie on the carpet? Why? You can’t fancy her either because that’s not how you react, you’re all sexy, flirty and hot. What the hell is going on? I demand to be educated on this matter. I have thirty minutes before I have to leave and humiliate the cute professor from King's College.”

_You can’t tell her. She will never forgive you and she’s the only person who can keep you away from her while doing your job._

“I’m simply in a shitty mood. My period is coming up and I feel like crying and throwing up at the same time. I’m so sorry that I left you hanging, even though it’s not your job and you didn’t sign up for this shit, but I’m using you as a middle woman. In addition, you have an actual job to do. I’m so sorry, Dior. Thank you so much for saving me today and…” She stopped and inhaled deeply, carefully wording the next sentence. “Thank you for bringing her. She is perfect for the exhibition. Do you think she’ll agree?” Wonhee unbuttoned her jumpsuit and stepped out of it, walking into her bedroom and abandoning it in the laundry basket. She felt like taking a long, cold shower, that would hopefully return her ability to think clearly. Throwing her panties and bra on top of the jumpsuit, she glanced in the mirror once, staring at the faded flower tattoo that she was removing. She needed more time, but work was crazy, so it was still visible. It hurt so fucking much that it had to go. Especially now.

_It only makes you vulnerable._

“You know that this is ridiculous, and I don’t believe a single word you just said, right? You don’t want to talk about it? Fine, but then I won’t accept your behavior. You can’t just leave me with your artist, only because you feel like ‘you’re getting your period’. I saw how you almost bled to death while showing the minister the main hall at the Tate, don’t you dare try to shit me like this.” Her best friend stood in the doorframe, hand propped against her round hips and long, beautifully shaped legs looking extremely attractive in those black jeans. Dior was a different caliber.

_She knows you too well for this._

“There is something. But I can’t talk about this yet. I… it’s hard, I can’t. Could you give me some time, please?” she whispered, stepping closer and cupping her friend's beautiful face. Sighing and rolling her eyes, Dior wrapped her arms around her and squeezed, nodding quietly.

“Okay. I told her to come to the Museum tomorrow at ten, so expect her in your office. I think she wants to do it, but I’m not sure, especially after you left. She acted a little weird in my opinion, but oh well, you do your stuff, just either involve me, or keep me out of it. Don’t make an idiot out of me, you know how much I hate that. And don’t hurt yourself. Please.” Kissing her forehead, the gorgeous woman stepped back and glanced at her Rolex, male edition before winking playfully and disappearing, accompanied by the door that fell into the lock torturously slowly.

_She will come and tell you about her decision. But this time you can be prepared, right?_

She hated that it was still the same. She still loved every single line and every single detail about her paintings, about LiFa. It was okay if she kept feeling like this.

It was okay as long as it didn’t turn into Dodo.

_

The Versace silk-dress with barocco print that Dior gave her for her promotion still fit perfectly and made her feel more like herself, even though she didn’t know whether it was a good thing, considering her second appointment this morning. Suddenly, she wanted to wear a black suit and make a ponytail to look fierce.

Wonhee didn’t have a secretary because she considered it irrelevant and gave her official secretary a different job that the middle-aged woman liked way more than organizing her appointments. That meant there was no way to be announced or anything similarly ridiculous.

_You can’t just continue being nervous because of this. You moved on, Wonhee. You did. It has been ten years. Ten fucking years._

Like so often, she glanced to the side. Her journal gave her the right kind of distraction. She had made a better copy of the photo Dior had taken of LiFa's newest work, so she took a magnifying glass and moved it over the image of the hurt woman. Concentrating on her perceptions, she observed every single detail that sucked her in, pulled her into the surface of the wall, into the colors, into the artist’s mind. Did she want to be there, if it was that woman's mind?

A knock echoed through her office and pulled her attention away, but the person on the other side of her door didn't bother to wait until she was called in. Glancing up, she saw long brown hair that covered the woman's shoulders and reached all the way to her waist, framing a small face with plump lips and unusually big eyes that shared the same hazel color as her hair.

There was no need to search for the one element that stuck out as it was quick to grasp her attention. Accompanying the short black dress that showed most of her thighs, the artist was barefoot. Only fiery red lines were covering the golden skin all the way to the woman's knees, creating a complex pattern.

She was Wonhee, so of course she stared, looking at the woman's legs for too long, but it was part of the art, she needed to take in all the details she could.

"It's you," she said, not removing her gaze from the red lines and put her magnifying glass to the side without closing her journal as she didn't pay attention to that.

"Your friend wanted me to come to your office. I expected it to be big, but not like this." Glancing around, the brown-haired woman stepped closer until she reached her desk and let herself fall into the soft couch chair right in front of it. The red paint must have dried as it moved fluently along with the artist's long legs that she crossed on top of each other. The short black dress slipped up the slim thighs, but it didn't seem to matter to her visitor.

_She is the same._

"I like working in the museum halls, but you wouldn't be able to find me there, so the office was a good choice." Looking at the way the painted knees crossed, made the tall woman seem like a piece of art herself. "Did you have time to think about the offer? Or do you need more information on the project? I can show you how I planned to set it up in the main hall and you can give me some feedback. If your decision is positive, that is." She closed the journal and stood up, hating the set up where she sat behind a desk and was separated from the person on the couch, even though in this case she was a little thankful for that artificial distance. With slow steps, she walked around the big desk and sat on the chair across from the couch, gaze lingering on the woman's legs.

"I'm not sure to be honest." Chewing on her cheek and playing with a long lock of brown hair, LiFa glanced around her office again, eyes stopping at a few of the paintings or arrangements. "I've never worked with a goal and location that was set. I have ideas and look for spaces that fit these ideas. I'm not sure if I can work the other way around. I like the topic you want to work with, but I have not discovered for myself how it fits into London yet. Brazil had very different struggles than what I see here. But maybe I simply haven't seen enough yet."

_You thought she would say no._

"I respect that. Although I personally think that your art is the best way to tell the story, you are an artist and have the right to decline. The only thing I can offer you is to show you some of the sites here that are important for the story, otherwise… "

_Since when are you giving up immediately? You worked for years to make this possible._

"I'll take back what I just said. You need to see all of it and after that you can tell me if you want to decline or not," she finished, lifting her gaze and looking into the big brown eyes. It hurt way more than it should have after such a long time. "People in Brazil struggle, but they struggle here too. The issues are different ones, but they are there."

"Can't wait to see them then," the brown-haired woman remarked and stood up, finally fixing her dress to make sure it covered her groin. "If there are stories to tell, there is a reason for me to be here."

_Did anything change at all?_

She had no idea and she shouldn't have been curious about that. Seeing her and talking hurt enough already.

"I thought so," she remarked and stood up. "You can look at the other art here, if you're interested, otherwise we can meet in two hours at the entrance."

"I'm interested," the low voice remarked, a little lower than she remembered it to be. "But you don't have to babysit me if you're busy. I know how to survive."

"Does it seem as if I want to babysit you? I want you on board of this project because it's crucial. Nothing else," she replied and walked towards the door. "You have certain expectations towards your art and the stories you want to tell, and I'm going to show you the stories. Or are there more expectations?" She stared into the big eyes, pulling her lips into a thin line.

"You misunderstood me. I don't think you want to babysit me, I think you want to run as far as possible while still having my art around. Maybe it is an out-of-body experience you want from me, art without the artist. I doubt I can provide that. As you can see it is a part of me." LiFa gestured towards her painted legs and brushed through her long hair as she made her way towards her, expression firm.

"I know that it is. It was never different; the colors are part of you. Let's go," Wonhee commented and turned away before the tall woman could see any of the emotions on her face that were there judging by the heavy feeling in her chest.

"And I have never seen you belong as well as you do now," she heard behind her as LiFa followed without another word, bare feet silent on the concrete floors.

"Delusional bitch," she whispered, unable to prevent herself from saying it. The words were soaked in bitterness and hurt. It must've been easy for the other woman to pretend as if everything that happened was for the best, while it was only the result of her own desperate attempts not to break down.

_There was only one place you really belonged, and that place had always been her. Back then. In the past._

She straightened her back and walked a little faster, passing contemporary paintings and installations that she liked a lot.

"Are you familiar with Keith Haring?" she asked, paying attention to the tone of her voice to make it sound more stable.

"I've seen some of his work when I went to New York." The other woman's bare feet were so quiet that she had to resist the urge to turn around and make sure she was still there.

_She is nowhere and everywhere at the same time. That didn’t change either._

“We have many pieces of his here. There are quite some similarities in the way you do art, that’s why I asked. I admire and respect him for what he did and want to go in a similar direction with the project. Show people who come to look at some famous installations the part of the city they don’t want to see. There is a reason why I want to do it here. In this gigantic space where people come because it’s prestigious.” She chuckled, and brushed a lock behind her ear, opening the door downstairs that led them into the main hall with its infinitely high ceilings made out of concrete. “You have a story for everything and I have a reason for everything.”

"Everybody has a reason, they just aren't always aware of it," the brown-haired woman muttered and walked past her to the center of the hall before she simply spread her arms and glanced at the ceiling, inhaling deeply. "So, you want to show people what's under the surface, the dirt under their shoes they hate to see."

“No. I had this thought when I was in Bangkok and went to the place where you put the child on the wall. How should I word it… there is a strategic issue with that in a way? The little girl you drew, there was an issue with location and placement in the city. When I sat in front of it for hours, I realized that the only people who looked and paid attention were women. Poor women. That’s not right, because it’s not the women who are at fault there. The perpetrators, the ones with money and power who support it must see and be confronted with it. Do you understand what I mean? After we walk out of that door, I will bring you to a part of London that you would have probably chosen for your art, at least I assume. Surely, I can’t look inside your head or anything, but the problem is, that a critical piece at the crime scene won’t give you attention from the ones that should be attentive.” Wonhee was probably going too far, but she didn’t care at this point. If LiFa couldn’t understand it, there was no way to do the project, so it was crucial to talk honestly.

She turned towards the tall woman and stepped closer, staring right into her big, brown eyes.

“The woman you put into the wall in Villa Mimosa. Who did you do it for? Who was supposed to see that?”

"The men that go there," the other woman replied and pursed her lips. "I wanted them to see it because they go there to abuse women and produce exactly what I placed on that wall. I wanted to cause them discomfort and at the same time place it as a warning for the women involved."

_As you thought._

“Mhm, I see. What made you think that a man who abuses a living person, sees her bleed and suffer, would be affected by art on the wall? I’m not saying it doesn’t have an impact, but it’s not for the people there because they can’t do anything about their misery, Dodo.”

_Why would you say her name?_

She swallowed and turned to the side for a second, catching her facial expressions and successfully dampening the emotions that threatened to take over.

“Sorry. LiFa. I meant that the abuser will keep abusing because he has no empathy, dehumanizes those women and the women? What can they do? You think they don’t know that that happens? They do. We all do. What we need are that bastard of a prime minister, the mayor and other men with power to be pressured for so long until they take care of it. Or better women, but me being the only female director at an art gallery tells a lot about our society. Anyway, before I go crazy about this topic as I usually do, my goal is for people who have influence to see it. Because that’s what they don’t want to see and at the same time they are the ones who can do something. And you. You can do something to make that happen.”

Big brown eyes focused on her as the slim arms fell to the woman's sides and she took a deep breath, lips trembling from the force of the action.

"In Brazil it was rarely talked about. Nobody wanted to boast around that somebody got stabbed in the area or even shot. I wanted it to be in the open, for everybody to see and get uncomfortable." A few seconds passed as LiFa curled her fingers into fists. "But you are right. The people who see don't have the power to change it or lack the will to do it. Painting on government buildings gets you locked away and I wasn't willing to risk it."

“You did well. A dead artist can’t create,” Wonhee murmured. “You won’t get any negative consequences from this. I’m the one who will, but I’m okay with it.” Swallowing, she turned around and gestured at the walls. “There is so much space to create a whole bunch of immediate discomfort. I’m sure you’ll be able to do that. Ah, and we are going to an area of London where there is more glass and shit than pavement, would you like me to give you a pair of shoes? I have some in the car.”

"It's fine, I've had worse." Observing the large walls, LiFa jumped over a railing that separated her from the concrete and let her fingers pass over the texture, closing her eyes for a few seconds before she joined Wonhee in the middle of the hall again. "Why are you so willing to bear the consequences? Aren't you in a position of safety? Most would carry on in comfort and forget what brought them there."

“Those who have it should be the ones fighting, that’s why.” As expected the tall woman from the past was still the stubborn girl that walked barefoot, cutting her skin as if it was fun. “I have them in the car in case you change your mind. Let's go, I can work later.” She walked towards the exit and waited for Dodo to follow.

_You keep thinking Dodo because she behaves like Dodo._

"I rarely change my mind. There is a reason for red paint and no shoes on my feet. I'd be betraying the purpose of my creation if I wore shoes." Following her, the other woman kept glancing around and observing the gigantic spaces that could be turned into art. "Thank you for fighting. You've… changed."

“You haven’t,” Wonhee murmured and contemplated on whether she had any plans on how to deal with wounds, but relaxed, remembering that she had bandaids in her car in case she had to treat the artist’s feet afterwards. “Let’s get going and I’ll give you some information on the way if you feel like it.”

"As you like, Wonhee." The low voice paused on her name, emphasising it in a way she wished she had forgotten.

“Ouch,” she whispered and exhaled, smiling bitterly before purposefully concentrating her attention on the sounds her shoes made while she walked from the smooth concrete floors onto the street. It was raining, but she left her umbrella at the office. Rain was nice too, wasn’t it? Just that her hair kept curling if it got wet.

"Perfect," Dodo whispered instead of showing the same dissatisfaction with the weather and jumped down several stairs at once until the raindrops were able to soak her black dress and liquified some of the color on her legs. It must have been mostly waterproof, but still blood-red drops travelled down the woman's slim legs and painted the street red. Turning towards her, the artist gestured for her to join her.

"Come here, your hair looks better in the rain."

She stopped just when she reached the first few meters without a roof, standing under the pouring rain and staring at the tall woman. Or maybe it was a girl, she didn’t know. The color that ran down her legs and the smile that lifted her cheeks confused Wonhee’s mind. There was the artist, who came to work with her on a very important project, but the big brown eyes and bare feet dancing in the red water that colored the grey asphalt made her feel like back then, showing so clearly what she had been missing. Showing what she shouldn’t have been missing.

_Dodo._


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 22nd of November at 2 PM CET.  
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Her black dress began to stick to her thighs and flat chest, ruining the effect of additional chest volume that she usually tried to bring about. It didn't matter though, not when there was pouring rain that turned her into a piece of art all by herself. color was running down her legs like blood and each step was a blood red footprint on the way to Wonhee's car.

_She fits in so well, but she changed._

The confident but easily convincible girl she remembered from her childhood had changed so much, turning into a firm woman with hidden emotions. Back then everything had been written in those black eyes and visible in the tremble of the girl's curved lips, but now there was barely anything. Only silences and breaks in eye contact told Dodo that whatever had happened between them wasn't meaningless.

_But meaningless enough to pretend it never happened._

She yearned to reach out and brush through the black waves that developed with each additional drop that landed on Wonhee's hair. It was exactly the way she remembered it, only shorter and closer to curls than waves. The elegant dress that contained more colors than all of London was also wet but didn't turn transparent and kept its form. Wonhee remained her gorgeous self whereas Dodo easily became a canvas of misery, wet hair that stuck to her face, black fabric clinging to her slim body and blood coloring each of her steps.

"Are you sure you want me in your car?" she asked when they arrived at a long Mercedes and Wonhee pressed a button on her key, unlocking the doors silently.

“If you weren’t an artist I work with and well… you, I would think that was an innuendo.” The short woman smiled to herself and threw her bag on the gigantic backseat. “You have your colors and I have my bait for the male population who needs to be presented with status symbols to take you seriously. Especially if you don’t have a dick. Very important. Get in.”

"I meant that I'll ruin it," she murmured and examined how clean the interior looked. She didn't care about sullying her own property, after all the color was a part of it, but this wasn't something that belonged to her. Wonhee had never owned a car before, but the tides have turned between them.

Leaning down, she let her index finger slide over her calf, examining the red color on it before she simply rubbed it across her cheek, observing the result through the tinted windows of the car.

“You’re still a piece of art no matter what,” the short woman whispered and opened the passenger door, nodding at her to get in.

_You're a piece of art and that's what she cares about._

She smiled and nodded, understanding why the mature woman decided to keep her around despite her obvious desire to stay away. She was an art piece and that gave her value.

_You can't blame her for thinking that way. After all you feel the same way._

Sitting down, she arranged her legs so that they didn't touch the leather seats and tugged at her dress to cover only one thigh but leave the other bare. The rain was exactly what she needed to complete the idea she had in the morning. Now she was really the little mermaid that left the water and the comfort of what she knew, to live among the people that didn't understand her.

“We are going to one of the 19 refuges Solace runs in London. It’s a shelter for women who have experienced all kinds of abuse and need specialized help. Dior doesn’t like them. Solace I mean. It's because they don’t want to accept sexwork and call for it to be illegal, but they do other, very useful and good projects like the accomodation they are offering.” Wonhee started the engine and spread her legs a little, short silk dress hugging her curves tighty. Dodo had always been envious of the other woman's gorgeous body.

"Sexwork shouldn't be looked down upon, only when it is handled badly and used to exploit women." Dodo had to think of Carolina and how working at Vila Mimosa had been the only way to provide for her two kids. The regulated places had too much competition, so 20 bucks for a show without security had been her only way to get by. "Thank you for showing me, I'd like to see it."

_You wanted to leave a message for people like her too, women that endanger themselves to survive._

“I know you’re not someone who likes numbers, but I’m in the EVAW council and can’t stress enough how fucked up it is that we live here and have the right to vote, but still every fifth woman has experienced sexual violence starting at age fifteen. Right here, I’m not talking about some other countries with a worse human rights situation. Here in England, almost half a million women are sexually assaulted every year, while most of them don’t even have any access to a Rape Crisis Center. And my favorite part of it is still that a study by Amnesty International found that a third of the people asked, believed that women who flirt are partially responsible for being raped. I know that the people who hear that are often shaken for a whole three seconds before moving on, that’s why I’m going to show you people and how they live if they’re lucky enough to get help from the government. We’re in Europe, and you told me that I fit in so well into this society. That made me angry.” Wonhee whispered the last words but stared at the road ahead, smoothly turning around the corner. “The rape conviction rate is five percent. The other ninety-five are running around here and maybe also coming to the Tate to look at feminist artworks. Let’s show them some nice art.”

_Holy shit, you underestimated this. You left Europe to see something else and find stories to tell, but all this time they have been right in front of your nose._

She swallowed and couldn't help the way her fists clenched in anger, knowing that despite a working social system, countless women didn't receive the help that they deserve. Her fingers found the soaked fabric of her dress and she squeezed it, causing water to run down her thighs. Her hands tingled to create, to rip open walls and show everybody what they looked away from, the more gruesome the better.

"I meant that you were able to achieve something," she murmured and closed her eyes. "I doubt that I would have been able to, not in the way you did, Wonhee."

“Stop being ridiculous. I just organize things and stare at paintings with a magnifying glass in my free time. I did change. A lot. You caused that, Dodo.” The round black eyes caught her gaze, intense and not resembling the cuteness that she had known from before.

_She's not the girl you knew from back then, she's a woman now._

"Me?" she asked, because she couldn't imagine how she could have brought about this much change without even being there. Wonhee had always given her too much credit, made her seem more important than she really was. Before leaving, Dodo had been just a girl that tried to be different without getting anywhere. None of the messages had really mattered back then.

_That's why you had to leave._

"You give me too much credit."

“I guess it’s comfortable for you to think like that. Please keep up the pretense, if it makes you feel good.” Wonhee turned away and stepped on the gas, rushing past the yellow light just in time.

_Pretense?_

The accusation was unfair, especially after her childhood friend was the one who pretended that there was nothing between them, that they didn't even know each other. Letting go of her dress, she reached out and grabbed the wheel once they slowed down and there was a spot.

"Pull over," she muttered and only let go of the wheel when they were at the side of a road in a no parking area, but she didn't care. "You're the one who pretended not to know me. Pretense is the last fucking thing on my mind, Wonhee. I was nothing before I left and now I'm still trying to turn into something."

The short woman next to her closed her eyes and smiled to herself for a few seconds, before turning and looking at her again.

“This is not a kindergarten and there is nothing I can do about this after ten years. You are an amazing artist, I need you for the project, but on a very personal level… you’re very much a selfish bitch, Dodo. Thank you for giving me my Iron Man suit. You did a great job, you see? All the credit is yours.” Wonhee smiled, lifting her finger and pointing at her smile, while the black eyes remained cold.

_So, this is what she gives you credit for? For mastering the art of pretense?_

She hated the thought, the idea that she was the reason for Wonhee closing up and showing her a facade instead of what was really there.

"Is this your way of saying you want nothing to do with me?" she asked finally and had to fight the sudden burning in her eyes and the tension that spread from her neck to her chest. She rarely allowed herself to be this vulnerable, European ground must have been too safe for her, safe enough to lose her footing.

_You told yourself to let everything go, what are you doing getting emotional over this? Didn't you want to become a work of art?_

“This is my way of saying that you have no fucking idea. So, don’t poke where it hurts if you can’t take the truth and let’s go.” A hint of vulnerability that she recognized tugged at the woman’s pretty bottom lip, making it tremble for a second before Wonhee turned around and switched the gear. Looking into the side mirror, she pulled out and returned to the road.

Dodo didn't dare to reply immediately, too concerned about losing her own composure. This was something that happened years ago, a part of her past that she was fond of, but that shouldn't have the power to make her feel this way.

_You always cared a little too much to be a real artist._

She had been so convinced that it changed.

"Pretense is not what I wanted to leave you with," she replied eventually and buried her fingers in her thigh, wondering if the color of the marks would correspond to the paint covering her legs.

“Don’t tug at the lid of a box that is locked for a reason,” Wonhee whispered, lips pulled into a thin line and jaw clenched.

"I could be telling you the same thing." She glanced outside and focused on the way the buildings changed the further away they got from the museum. There was no point in this conversation. She should have been focusing on her art and the stories that London had to tell instead of holding onto something that tugged at her memories. Rules were rules and she should have applied them instead of getting carried away.

_Why open the lid of a box that only gives you nightmares and hurt? _

“Then we are on the same page. This is great. Let’s keep it like that. We are almost there.” The short woman parked and looked in the mirror, trying to straighten her curls, but it was a lost battle, so she sighed in annoyance and turned to the back, grabbing her bag and almost hitting the bangs-covered forehead on her shoulder.

"The curls look good on you. It's impossible to mess up your looks anyway," Dodo remarked and placed her palm on her shoulder to ensure it was soft in case the other woman hit her head on the way back. She didn't, but the action still felt like it paid off. "Let's go."

Climbing out of the car, she glanced at the ground briefly to check it for glass before she stepped on it, observing the remaining color on her legs. There were still a few drops and it stayed well, looking more dramatic than it had when she first painted them. Only her dress made her feel cold as it was soaked and stuck to her skin. Maybe it was better to not be comfortable when she observed the discomfort of others.

Wonhee opened her mouth briefly, wanting to say something but changing her mind at the last minute. Nodding towards the street they were supposed to go, the short woman waited for her and kept her gaze on the asphalt, warning her when there was glass.

“You know what makes me sad? When society tells women that the only thing they need to do to be worthy is to find a man and bare children. However, after they do, abandoning everything and risking their social status, they often end up being caught in a dependency relationship, facing mental, physical and sexual abuse, while society tells them that it’s not a real crime cause ‘he’s your man, right?’. Many of the women here have that kind of story and come here with their kids, or they have no kids, which doesn’t make it better or worse.”

_You've heard that too, didn't you?_

"Sounds familiar," she muttered and jumped over a broken beer bottle to avoid cutting her feet. It didn't really matter if she did, there was only the disadvantage that she didn't have a camera to capture it. She wanted to ask Wonhee whether she was confronted with the same problems, but she didn't know if the other woman had settled down or not. She knew nothing about her apart from her profession.

_Because she's a different person now. You keep thinking of her as the girl you left in Stockholm._

"People rarely understand when I say there is only art for me. That is also the reason I never wanted my work to be associated with me as a person."

“You are communicating it clearly, so they should be okay with this. Or not, but then they are free to leave. After all this time, being active in various NGOs and my journey here, what I finally understood is that it seems that men are more equal when it comes to human rights. Many make fun of feminism or give you the ‘choleric’ and ‘witch’ stamp if you talk about very crucial issues in an aggressive way. Many don’t mind that the woman next door, their colleague, their sister or their mom gets sexually assaulted in the train, at work, at home. That they don’t get paid the same money for doing the same job. That they have to deal with men and other women telling them they are at fault for being raped because they were wearing short skirts, smiled, looked, existed. Imagine what kind of uproar there would be if men had to deal with even ten percent of the shit women must live through all their life? There would be laws, petitions, protests. What do we have here? A London neighborhood where women who have been victims of crimes live, where the perpetrators run around, and those women have to explain why they are dependent, why they are taking the help from organizations and government. They are silent you know? You will see. None of them will rub their misery in your face, tell you to fight for them. They will die a little on the inside and move on.” Wonhee’s voice broke and she turned away, steps slightly unstable and one hand lifted to her face, rubbing a little. “Anyways, they are willing to talk if you ask them, because nobody does.”

Dodo felt a familiar tension in her chest at Wonhee's words. She knew for certain that it was true, that being a woman was a death sentence in some places and an invitation to be touched against her will in others. She herself wasn't somebody who talked about it, even mentioned it in relation to herself. She never did and preferred to separate it from herself as a person.

She wanted to be a piece of art and the further away her personal concerns were, the better.

Stepping closer, she placed her big palm on Wonhee's shoulder, realising how small it still was in comparison. Both of them were fighting, but it felt like the fight that the woman in front of her was fighting was a slightly different one.

“I’m fine. They’re the ones who are not,” Wonhee said, voice firm again and stepped on a porch, ringing the bell. It took some time before a middle-aged woman came out, glancing at her before she recognized Wonhee.

“It’s so nice to see you! Did you bring a friend?”

“No. She’s an artist I’m working with for the project. I told you about it a few days ago, remember? And she really wants to hear the girls' stories.” Smiling, the black-haired woman glanced at her for a second before they were let into the house.

_So, you're just an artist now. Shouldn't you be happy? _

There were many pictures of women and children on the walls as they walked down the hallway, towards a big kitchen, where two of the residents were drinking coffee.

“Wonhee is here, girls. And she brought her artist friend,” the middle-aged woman smiled at Wonhee, who looked as if she wanted to correct her again to say that Dodo wasn’t a friend, but she simply nodded.

One of the residents took a sip of her coffee and smiled at her, remaining silent, as Wonhee said. The second woman with long brown hair and beautiful dark skin, stood up to greet the short woman, smiling carefully and whispering something into her protruding ear, accompanied by a knowing nod and another tight hug.

Suddenly the person who smiled at her stood up and rushed past her, forcing everybody to shift their attention. The elderly woman went after her and only came back a few minutes later to disturb the silence they were basking in.

“I’m sorry, it was because of the color on your legs. She is severely traumatized, and she thought the same had happened to you. She needs some time to calm down. She didn’t mean anything bad, it was an immediate reaction.”

Wonhee nodded and stepped closer to her.

“As I said. The ones who pay attention are the ones who want to forget. Let’s go around, but I think we shouldn’t go into the rooms this time. Maybe next time.”

Dodo remained silent for a moment, nodding at the words and contemplating her reply. There was no other way to bring across her point than by two simple words.

"It did," she muttered towards the elderly woman before turning around and focusing her attention on Wonhee. Bringing about more pain wasn't her intention, but she also couldn't wash it off, not yet. "I understand, let's go around."

Wonhee didn't ask her, probably respecting the lack of elaboration and led her past the many rooms, mostly shared by two women, telling her about ways the women get help and that the lists were so full that victims often abandoned the idea of looking for any in the first place. It wasn’t enough. After returning to the kitchen, the brown-haired woman who had hugged Wonhee upon their arrival stood up and walked towards the hallway, stopping briefly and glancing right into her eyes.

“Thank you for showing what nobody can see,” she said and walked away, leaving them standing in the kitchen. This time, there was a sudden warmth coming from Wonhee’s soft palm that the short woman placed on her shoulder, feeling easily transferring through the fabric of her still soaked dress.

Dodo took a deep breath, wondering why it suddenly felt like she was so far away from her artistic self. It was supposed to be an expression, her attempt to show what was out there and make people feel. It was supposed to pull the feelings away from her and extend them to the outside. But somehow, standing in the middle of the narrow hallway with Wonhee's hand on her shoulder, it didn't feel like that at all.

"Fuck," she hissed and brushed through her long hair. "Let's go."

Wonhee squeezed her shoulder before removing her hand and saying their goodbyes. Thankfully her company didn’t prolong their stay unnecessarily. After a few moments the door opened, and the cold wind hit her face.

“Let’s go back,” the pleasant voice said behind her as the woman’s curvy figure walked past her, not looking back.

"Back to your Palace that looks like everything is fine," she muttered and overlooked a shard of glass, stepping on it and swallowing down the wince of pain that threatened to escape. "I want to fill it with gruesome things, scream how much is wrong through the walls."

“Sounds perfect to me.” Wonhee unlocked the car and only then turned around, just when she limped. “Fuck, did you step on something?”

"I guess," she remarked and regretted that she didn't have a camera. It could have been a perfect photograph with her wet dress and painted legs. She sighed and gestured towards a wall with ripped bits of advertisements for parties, mostly showing women and a lot of naked skin. "Too bad we can't take a picture in front of that wall. I rarely use myself as subject, but today would have been a good day."

“Fine. You go and pose, I’ll take a picture for you. And after that you’ll let me take care of your wound. Deal?” Wonhee opened her trunk and took out an expensive Nikon camera, gesturing towards the wall.

"Deal," she replied, disbelieving that the black-haired woman was not only willing to take a picture for her, but even had a camera ready. Climbing out of the car, she hurried to the wall, ignoring the stabbing sensation in the middle of her foot. The glass had found a particularly soft bit of skin.

Once she found the right spot below the wall, she reached for one of the dirty puddles and ensured that her hair was sufficiently wet. It had to be soaked and mud was a welcome addition. Sinking down to the ground, she sat on her bony behind and angled her legs to the side, palms placed between her thighs. The hurt foot was purposefully arranged towards the camera. Taking another glance at her legs, she reached for the dirty water and added some to her face, accompanying the red line that she drew earlier.

"I'm ready," she commented finally and looked up.

Wonhee was staring, but the intense gaze was replaced by the camera lens as soon as she said that she was ready, shooting many pictures while the colorfully dressed woman moved around her.

“Done.” The camera disappeared in the trunk and her childhood friend walked over to her, reaching out to pull her up.

Wiping her dirty hand on her dress, she accepted the offer and got to her feet, again ignoring the sudden throbbing in her foot. That was one nasty glass shard, but it was true that she had suffered through worse before. Surprisingly, Wonhee didn’t let go, instead she felt the woman’s slim arm around her waist, pulling her closer and holding her with a strong grip, easing her weight when she walked.

“I can’t take care of this mess in the car, it's too narrow. I don’t want to treat it at the museum either, too many people carry all kinds of nasty stuff, so would you like to come to my place? It’s ten minutes from here. Or would you like me to drive you to the hotel? It’s twenty-five.”

Dodo needed longer to answer, eyes passing over Wonhee's features that were much closer than they had been since she saw her childhood friend again. The woman's nose was still rather pointy, and Dodo had always loved to tilt her head and observe the nostrils when Wonhee was asleep, curled up in her bed.

The mud and paint sullied Wonhee's clothes, but despite looking stern, the black-haired woman didn't seem to mind, too occupied with contemplating where to take care of her. It felt a little like back then, Dodo who got into trouble and Wonhee who struggled to help get her on her feet.

She should have gone to her hotel, returned to the place that she considered her new home and occupied herself with art and how she was going to turn the grey walls into something expressive. Instead, she licked her lips and stared at the car as she replied.

"Show me how you live now."

The silence stretched as she sat in the passenger's seat and the short woman with the curly hair next to her preferred not to say anything while driving down the street. Probably towards her home.

After exactly ten minutes, Wonhee parked her car and stepped out, picked her bag from the backseat and opened the passenger door. Leaning over her, she wrapped an arm around her waist and helped her out without a single comment. A few steps took them to the elevator that they left after arriving on the fifth floor. A brown door, nothing special, no fancy locks or anything similar, just a door that opened and they stepped into a broad hallway, floors covered with a big, fluffy carpet. Dodo didn't know what she expected, but probably something that was as flashy as the other woman's office and attire.

“Let’s go to the bathroom,” Wonhee murmured and they moved through a barely lit bedroom into the bathroom. “Get into the tub and put your foot on the edge,” the pleasant voice commented quietly.

At first, she wanted to comment on going to the bathroom, joke about an experience they shared when they took a bath together and Dodo decided to experiment with color in the water, but the quiet way in which her childhood friend talked made her hesitate.

Climbing into the bathtub, she lay down with her muddy hair and dress touching the tub walls and her injured foot propped on the edge.

"Want to mix colors in the water?" she asked quietly but didn't dare to add a playful tone to it. Somehow it felt different to speak the words than it had back then.

Wonhee glanced up from her foot and something about the look in the round eyes felt alien. Something that she didn’t know, hadn’t experienced before.

“You have enough colors on your own,” the woman commented, gesturing at her legs and hair, before leaving the room. There was some shuffling coming from a different room before Wonhee returned with a medical kit and a glass of water that she placed on the edge of the tub, next to her.

"There can never be enough colors," she replied quietly and pulled her wet dress up to her hips. It was ice cold and her underwear wasn't doing any better. Goosebumps spread over her skin, beginning at her legs and continuing with her arms and hardened nipples. Her bra wasn't thick enough to hide it and she had given up pretending she had more cleavage a long time ago.

“You’re right, but I can’t help you. I don’t have any colors.”

The scent of disinfectant spread through the room as Wonhee kneeled at her feet and glanced up once. “I’ll take it out. I see that you’re cold, but you can take a bath after I’m done and keep your foot up.” A sharp pain followed and the sound of glass hitting the tiles supported the woman’s words before she wrapped her foot in soft gauze bandage.

She nodded slowly even though it was too late, Wonhee had already begun to take care of the wound. Her eyes remained on the other woman's face, how focused she looked as she worked. The impression was the same as back then. Dodo hadn't thought that so many memories would remain after ten years but looking at Wonhee's features was enough to return her to the girl's small room and colored patches that she placed on her knees when she crawled around on hard concrete too much.

"You're wrong though," she began and waited for those black eyes to lift and meet hers. "You have a bunch of colors on your own. It's just impossible for somebody like me to put them on paper."

Again, the dark eyes stayed for a few seconds longer, gaze interrupted by a shaky exhale. “Stop talking nonsense, Dodo.” Wonhee stood up and walked a few steps, looking down at her. “Do you need help? It’s hard with a foot in the air, you can’t soak it.”

_It's always nonsense if it's something she doesn't agree with._

"Join me," she replied instead of answering the other woman's question and tugged at the edge of her dress. "You're cold and soaked too."

“I’ll be fine. I’ll take a shower after you’re done.” Wonhee stared at her as if the question hurt her physically. “Just call me if you need help. Will you be okay, taking off your dress?”

"You should know, I don't care about pain." Getting up, she stepped on both her feet in the bathtub and ignored the throbbing of the wound that Wonhee had taken care of. She didn't know why she did it. Maybe the rejection hurt, and she felt the need to prove that she didn't need anything either. She had been doing fine all these years, even in worse conditions and a bath was a luxury in most of the places she stayed at.

_Don't let this get to you._

“I know. That’s why you don’t understand mine.” The black eyes disappeared from her sight, accompanied by the sound of the bathroom door falling into its lock.

Her breath hitched, and she blindly reached for the faucet, turning it up until there was ice cold water leaving the shower head above her and soaking her even further, including the fresh bandage on her foot. She gasped, but it was good. That way she was distracted from the burning in her eyes and the feeling that she had been running away from since she left Stockholm. London wasn't far enough.

No place had ever been far enough.

***

Being hurt once and for a long time didn’t prevent people from making mistakes and obviously wrong decisions.

_Like taking Dodo to your apartment. _

Her mind still fought the thought that it had been a mistake to fly the woman from Brazil and to attempt to work with her, because it would have only meant that she wasn’t strong enough to bear a little personal discomfort, a little of the stabbing pain that she has felt so many times that she should’ve gotten used to it.

First it was the colors. The slim woman in her bathtub didn’t play fair, pulling out memories, even though they agreed to keep it professional. She stepped on her personal weakness by acting as if it wasn’t there when she suggested to join her.

_She could have also just laughed in your face. Why bother?_

Of course, Dodo wouldn’t have been Dodo, if she didn’t ruin all her care, stepping right on the wound, standing there, soaked in blood, mud and color, telling her about not caring about pain. As if she didn’t know that. Dodo didn’t care about pain, so she wasn’t able to understand her agony. Never.

She left and hurried through the dark bedroom towards the hallway and lay on the carpet, staring at the black ceiling. The sounds of the shower triggered the lump in her throat to move up, pressing some water through the tear ducts no matter how tight she kept them. She wanted to sob and scream, but instead the snakes in her stomach bit and bit harder, poisoning her while nobody could see or hear how much it hurt.

_Why did you get involved?_

She crawled towards her bag and took her phone, writing a message to Dior, asking whether she had time. Hoping that if her best friend wasn’t working, she could come and take Dodo away from here. Nobody replied, and she rubbed the tears away, carefully, making sure she didn’t look like she was crying.

_You have to make sure she is okay. It’s your house and your responsibility._

Inhaling sharply, she walked to the bedroom and sat on the edge of her bed, listening to the sounds of water that were weird because Dodo should have been bathing, but it was the shower instead.

_What is she doing?_

Moving towards the room, she opened the door without knocking and glanced towards the tub, seeing the brown-haired woman standing in the middle of the tub as water was rolling down her skin. None of the mud or the red color on her legs remained, but she was still in her black dress and stared at her feet, hair covering most of her face. It felt strange to see Dodo this way, drooping shoulders and goosebumps remaining as if she hadn't warmed up. The mist was cold.

“You crazy bitch,” she whispered and hurried over, realizing that the water was ice cold, before turning off the water and staring up. “What the fuck are you doing?”

"Trying to get a grip," the brown-haired woman replied, lips trembling as she squeezed some water from her dress. "It's not working."

“Of course, it doesn’t, you idiot. Tried it. It never works, Dodo. Now, take it off.” Wonhee wrapped her fingers around the seam of Dodo’s dress and pulled it up, shuddering at the temperature. The other woman was reluctant at first, taking shaky breaths, but eventually lifted her arms and let her take it off. Her underwear was black too, a thin black bra and black panties. Both were soaked, and Dodo held her palm over the area right below her right breast, fingers shaking from the cold.

“Don’t worry, I’ll leave. I just need to make sure that you won’t die,” she murmured and let the water turn warm. “Lie down.”

"I don't want you to leave, dummy," Dodo replied and reached out for the edge of the tub with her free hand, stabilizing herself as she sat down. Her other hand remained in the same spot. "I just don't like scaring people unnecessarily, not with myself."

“Well, that didn’t work well, did it? You got rid of it? It’s not scary. It’s understandable,” Wonhee muttered and walked to the other end of the tub, wrapping her fingers around Dodo’s ankle, and pulling her hurt foot out of the tub, placing it on the ledge. She needed to put a new bandage on it.

Brown eyes remained on her face and the gaze was intense enough to make her look up. The expression that she saw on Dodo's face was unusual, lips trembling but it couldn't have been the cold this time.

"Why the fuck would I get rid of it, Wonhee?" she asked, voice quiet but perfectly audible in the tiled room.

“Because it hurts.” She inhaled and stared back. “But then again, you don’t care about pain, so maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it just reminds you of unnecessary things?” The lump in her throat moved up once again and she focused on unwrapping the bandage around Dodo’s foot and cleaning the wound once again.

"It reminds me of you, and the reason we got it," Dodo whispered and she could hear the other woman swallow and shift in the water. "Having it damaged hurt more."

“I envy you for thinking like this. It’s damaged?” _Can't be more damaged than you are._ “It’s okay.”

"It's not okay for me." Dodo didn't elaborate further, but she could see the brown-haired woman shift again and remove her hand from her ribs, holding onto the edge instead. A glance upwards revealed the familiar black ink, curling around the small breast and partially hidden by the black bra. What didn't look the way Wonhee remembered it, was a white line that interrupted the flowers, like a clean cut right through it. It was a scar.

"You got hurt. I'm sorry," she murmured, returning her gaze to the fresh gauze bandage that she wrapped around the slim foot. Seeing the black version instead of her faded one hurt. But then again, it had to go because of the pain it carried.

"I told you, the fact that it was damaged hurt more than the wound itself. I cried like a stupid bitch, but you didn't hear that from me." Again, Dodo shifted and simply let herself sink into the water including her head, now that the water was high enough in the tub.

_As you thought. She has no idea._

"I guess you associated it with something positive," she whispered, finishing up.

"I did," Dodo replied, but didn't elaborate, brown eyes remaining on her face throughout.

"Good that at least one of us did." She stood up and took some shampoo and shower gel, placing it on the edge of the tub and moved towards the door.

"Please call me a cab," the brown-haired woman whispered suddenly as soon as she reached the door. She heaved herself out of the bathtub, covering most of the floor in water, but didn't hurt her foot this time, particularly careful to keep it dry. "I think I overstayed my welcome."

"I told you to not touch the lid," Wonhee whispered and walked out into the hallway, requesting a cab over her phone. It didn't take long for Dodo to reappear with towel dried hair and her soaked dress, making her way towards the hallway. The brown-haired woman didn't say a single word as she visibly held her breath and stumbled to the front door.

"I got you a cab, wait until it's here."

Leaning against the wall in her hallway, Dodo threw her head back and covered her face with her big palm, taking a few deep breaths.

"You have something to say? You are lucky, because you can say it to my face instead of dialing the same number for years and hearing the same fucking voice." Exhaling sharply, she left her phone on the carpet and ran into the bedroom, trying to get as far away as she possibly could. She didn't want to talk about that time. She didn't want to talk to Dodo at all. She almost got used to living with the inevitable pain, the faded tattoo and the unsaid words, so why now?

There was the sound of wet footsteps in her hallway until her bedroom door opened and the silence was replaced by several shaky breaths.

"You tell me not to touch the lid, but it's fucking hard, okay? I also thought I would be fine being back in a world that suddenly includes my childhood friend, but I'm not fucking fine. I don't know how to act because I remember and I can't forget that I'm a person. I'm obviously a person, feeling way too fucking much." Dodo gasped and held onto the door, still struggling to stand properly. "I left my phone at home because I thought it would keep my parents from finding me. It was fucking stupid, I admit it. I regretted it hundreds of times when I was fucking lost and almost died or when I wanted to hear your voice. I'm fucking sorry, but I also don't know how to change anything anymore. I hoped I could be a piece of art but it's so fucking hard."

Her phone rang in the hallway, but Dodo didn't move.

_You imagined all of it, but it means nothing._

"I imagined you coming back and saying sorry. I imagined it so many times until it didn't mean anything anymore. The thing is just that you don't understand what happened to me after you left, and you won't ever be able to understand it. For fuck's sake, I don't even want you to understand it, there's no point. I don't want to tell you hurtful things and I don't want you to see all the bitterness and pain that's still here, so do me a favor… don't come close to me. You were the only place I… " She was stupid, thinking she would be able to say anything without the lump pushing so hard that the tears rolled down one after another, making her turn around on the bed, facing the wall like an idiot. At least it was dark.

The wet steps got closer as weight settled next to her and slim arms reached out and wrapped around her waist, pulling her against a wet chest.

"I must still be too human if your words are able to hurt me," the familiar voice whispered in her ear, breaths shaky. "I had nightmares about this. About coming back because I couldn't bear it anymore and you telling me you don't want to have anything to do with me. Who knows, maybe it was my head trying to keep me away. It feels too real now."

"You were the one who left, Dodo. You left and never, not even once tried to find me. What do you expect? This is not meeting an acquaintance on holiday. For ten years, I've tried to deal with what happened and you sit here and tell me about being a human with feelings. Oh really? I almost misunderstood. If you knew how much all of this hurt, you wouldn't say those things." Wonhee fisted the blanket, shoulders shaking. She didn't want to say anything else, she didn't want anything because she knew that there was no way to make it less painful.

"Then tell me," Dodo murmured and hugged her tighter. "All this time I was so convinced that you would forget me quickly, continue living the life that was set out for you and not bother with the bad influence that was me. I thought it was only me and that… if I contacted you it would only show my inability to commit to my art. My inability to accept that I don't fit in the way everyone else does, the way you do."

"God, I hate you so much. I hate you and your soaked dress, and I hate how you give me the same stupid arguments that mean absolutely nothing. The only thing that I needed was you and you left. You thought I didn't want to have anything to do with you? Fuck, looking at your face gives me cramps. What am I supposed to do, cut myself open and bleed under your feet? I tried for ten years and I'm at the point where I don't cry myself to sleep every night and now you appear in front of my face and expect that we can just pick up where it stopped? There is no me from back then. She's dead. There's only the shell trying to survive, nothing more. You saw it briefly, now you can move on." Wonhee freed herself from the embrace that was more painful than anything else and walked to the wardrobe, pulling out a yellow dress and placing it on Dodo's lap.

The brown-haired woman observed her, remaining silent. Wonhee was grateful for the darkness because she couldn't tell her facial expressions this way.

"I've never been able to move on, Wonhee. I don't think I can do it now either," Dodo whispered and got up, leaving the yellow dress on the bed as she made her way towards the door. "I'm sorry," she added before closing it and leaving her in the pitch-black darkness on her own.

_Then you need to move on. _

She still cried, fisting the blanket and she knew that it was a lost battle because it was the second night in a row. She would've loved to think that it was long ago, over, that there was just bitterness left, but the situation at the shelter, posing in front of the wall and the scar over the flower tattoo gave her enough hints to understand that she wasn't able to stay away, even though she had to. She had to keep distance no matter what.

_She's the only person you've ever loved. _

Dodo didn't know that. She didn't know anything about her, apart from the idiot that she had been and apart from getting a taste of the bitterness that her departure had left behind. Wonhee didn't suffer like that to see it all crumble in front of her eyes only because Dodo couldn't move on. It was bullshit. Dodo could move on very well. She had experienced it once already.

_

The big red clock on the wall showed that it was around four in the morning. Her naked feet touched the soft carpet and carried her to the bathroom. The light blue spots led the way as she entered the tiled room, the tub shining in an ice blue. After all those years the lighting had kept her from losing her mind when she had phases when she couldn’t sleep, separating the sleepless night hours from her daily life. The grey was Wonhee who she was now, and the ice blue was the Wonhee who was left behind without anything.

She caught her own gaze in the mirror and chuckled, remembering her own words, pressed through tears and telling Dodo that the girl from back then was dead. She wasn’t. She woke up in the night and wandered through the unfamiliar apartment, crying and searching for the tall brown-haired girl that left and never came back.

_And now she did, and you started waking up again._

Dodo didn’t come back. She just appeared out of nowhere, passing by, by chance, blessing her colorless self with the masterpiece that she was, unchanged beautiful, overwhelmingly bright, deep and so attractive.

_You can't think like that in the morning. It just hurts when you do._

A glance at the tub was automatically associated with the image of the long body dressed in thin, black underwear only and covered in goosebumps, big palm slowly uncovering the tattoo that still wrapped around the small breasts. Next was the image of the tall woman spreading her legs in front of the wall, bleeding foot, color and mud mixed, but still not enough to cover the brightness that was underneath. Maybe that’s what Dodo had always tried but never managed. To cover up the work of art than she actually was.

_You loved the masterpiece that she was. She is._

Taking careful steps back to her bed, she felt ready to face a new day, play the same game, get hurt infinitely, but not give in. Not like today.

She sat on her bed, watching her naked body in the mirror on the opposite side. The faded flowers, her voluminous breasts and slim waist were still the same, maybe her thighs had become a little curvier over the years due to regular workouts. Exhaling sharply, she let herself fall on top of the sheets and stared at the black ceiling, crying.

It was okay. It would be okay soon. Wonhee, the girl that woke up at dawn and danced with the ghost of the person she loved would disappear and make room for a grown-up woman that had to work with LiFa, an artist, a woman from the past.

She could do that.

_

“You tried hard to reach me. You are not this needy, usually. What’s the matter?” Her best friend cleared her throat and it was apparent that she had been sleeping.

“I need your help. Do you have time in the evening to go to LiFa’s hotel and tell her about sex work? Because I was supposed to do that, to give her an overview of what is going on here, but I’m going to go on a date for once, if it’s okay. I know that this is ridiculous, and you are not paid for this, but I also think that you are a better choice because you know more about it.” She inhaled and prevented herself from feeling guilty because she knew that their relationship had always been about the give and take and they had previously agreed on not feeling guilty or bad while asking for favors, no matter what.

_Doesn't work well, does it? _

“You know that I consider this whole thing highly suspicious, but as you asked, I will give you more time and tell the girl about stepping on men and how sad it is sometimes.” Dior chuckled and asked for the time, noting it down. “Now, please tell me what finally made you go out after I talked about it for ages? I need to know the method.”

_Devastation and avoidance._

“I feel a little better about the project now that LiFa agreed, so I can treat myself. And my partner.” She giggled, even though it was a partial lie.

“You sure sound and look shy for someone who has a fucking armoury in your cupboard.” Her best friend laughed out loud and it felt good. She missed it.

“It’s because it’s always different, you know it well. Anyway, I’m going to work and then go on my date and it would be cool if you could visit LiFa. Her foot is cut, so it’s not okay for her to walk and she would definitely walk because she’s a stubborn bitch that doesn’t listen.”

There was silence for a few seconds, before Dior cleared her throat.

“Uhm. You seem close.”

“No,” she whispered. “Not at all.”


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Each step felt like a small knife was making its way right through the bottom of her foot that was cut by a shard of glass. The sensation made her smile because now she really felt like the Little Mermaid, just like her intention had been on the day she went to meet Wonhee.

_But you didn't expect it to end this way._

She still hadn't dressed, remaining naked as she walked the few meters from her large bed to the full-sized mirror on the other side. It didn't feel like her at all, living in a hotel room that was more spacious than all the places she stayed at put together. The surroundings didn't feel like her, but the pain in her foot made it okay again, like she had entered the world of somebody else and it was trying to let her know, hurting her enough to leave.

_But you can't leave, can you? _

She should have. After talking to Wonhee and seeing what her return had done to her childhood friend, she should have followed her request and left her alone. There was so much pain on the other woman's face that it had haunted her in her dreams, screaming at her to leave her the fuck alone.

_But you're not listening to your dreams. You never do unless they have a story to tell._

Staring into the full-sized mirror, she wondered what she was supposed to do with herself today. There wasn't much time left until she had to go upstairs to the rooftop restaurant and meet Wonhee again, probably pretend that they were strangers that only interacted for the sake of art.

_It's what you wanted, to be a piece of art only, so why can't you bear the thought?_

Dodo wanted to be art, but the only person that knew who she really was had been living inside her head, continuing as the short girl with black hair and curved lips. Maybe it hurt to know that the image wasn't real, that she had destroyed it with her departure.

_It's a fleeting image that you're holding onto, but why does it still feel graspable? _

If she closed her eyes she could still imagine holding Wonhee in her arms, feeling the black-haired woman tremble and tell her that she didn't want any of it, that she had suffered enough, and Dodo was only making it worse.

_But you never thought that she would suffer so much. She had so many things apart from you. You were the one who had her and nothing else._

There had only been Wonhee and she left her to stop being human, to become somebody who had nothing.

_If only the nothing wasn’t so painful that you're painting to not feel agony._

Chewing on her cheek, she quickly turned away from her reflection and the black ink at her side and choose a simple pair of panties, not bothering with a bra. She rarely needed one and there was no reason for her to go out into the cold.

Her fingers chose a black dress that covered her arms completely but kept her legs uncovered. Her eyes stared at all her colorful socks and knee-highs and the paint that she had taken with her, but none of it spoke to her. It seemed like the nothing outweighed the rest and the mere thought caused bile to rise up in her throat.

_You can't let her see that, it ruins the purpose of your existence._

She grabbed a brush and dipped it onto black paint, adding lines to her legs that washed out towards her feet. It looked like it tried to leave her like an empty ink cartridge, but it just wasn't enough.

Once she entered the elevator upstairs, there were glances, of course there were. She didn't fit in and she kept making it obvious, feeling how the well-dressed man next to her checked her out and looked to stare at her long legs until the color threw him off and he decided she was crazy. Too crazy to fuck.

The restaurant was a beautiful one, nicely designed without too much of only one color. Instead it was balanced sufficiently and wrapped around her like a pleasant cocoon. Glancing around and looking for short black hair, she met brown curls and attentive eyes instead. Dior waved her over from a table outside.

_Why is it her? _

Dodo made her way over and let her slim body sink on the chair across the fancily dressed woman.

"Where is Wonhee?" she asked without waiting any longer.

“On a date,” Dior commented nonchalantly and picked up the menu, glancing at her once. “She didn’t tell you that I was coming? She was probably too excited. It’s different when she goes on dates, it’s complicated, not my kind of thing.”

_She's on a date?_

Dodo didn't know why the thought seemed so strange to her, even though her childhood friend had been dating and meeting her boyfriend back when they were together.

_Maybe because she would have never missed a meeting with you, only to see him._

"I see," she murmured and examined the salt and pepper mill at the side of the table. "Why would going on a date be complicated? She's living in London and I doubt she's planning on leaving it soon. Only being busy should make it a problem."

_And finding a man that can deal with her success._

Dior laughed loudly and slapped the menu on the table, crossing her legs with a grin. “I think nobody managed to say it better than Alvia Golden in Acts of Love. One of Wonhee’s favorites. She wrote that men fuck. They fuck sad, angry, sweet, gentle, but when they can, men fuck. Women fuck too, but it’s a lot about being women. It’s two women being willing to take the risk of telling your name. Women want to know your name, they want to hear about your life, do you respect yourself? What mean things did you experience? Women want to talk and hear you talk until you don’t need to ask anymore because she knows you and you know her. Something like that. When I date, it’s not like that at all. It is indeed just fucking because it’s usually a dude and I don’t fuck at work.”

Dodo lifted her gaze to take a careful glance at Dior and make sense of her words. She sounded like Wonhee went on a date with a woman whereas the curly-haired woman in front of her preferred men, keeping relationships far from conversation.

_You're more like her, aren't you?_

"I prefer not to talk," she murmured and remembered the silence at the refuge. It was understandable and felt like the silence in her own head. "Who knows, maybe I'm not woman enough."

“Silence… I think it’s not possible when you date and sleep with women. We feel each other in a way a man could never understand. A woman can respect your silence, but she will never be ignorant. She will never spread her legs for you if there is no basic trust that you can only achieve by getting close mentally. Ah, sometimes I really envy her. I would definitely date her if she would date me, but she told me no from the first day we met, so unfortunately I’m just a sad friend who likes to step on men.” Grinning with a hint of bitterness, Dior waved at the waiter and ordered a white wine and shrimp salad without cucumber.

Dodo joined on the wine but was satisfied with a soup. She didn't feel like she could stomach a lot, not today.

"Why did she reject you?" she asked even though there were many more questions she should have been asking. An intimate relationship between two women made sense to her, she had seen it before and appreciated the comfort that women in similar situations were able to provide. She had always felt more at ease around women, but it was more about safety than sex. Dodo was simple when it came to sex and the less the other person cared, the better. It was easier that way.

Dior stared for a while, licking her perfect lipstick from her lips before replying hesitantly.

“It wasn’t a good time for me back then and she helped me a lot, but I only belatedly realized that she was suffering herself. She said that there was a woman she was still in love with. I don’t want to spill personal information, so I will stop here, but I did crush on Wonhee back in the day. Now we are just as close as friends can be and I’m okay with that.” The beautiful woman smiled, blinking unevenly. “I am now.”

"It must have been hard," she murmured, but she couldn't be sure that she knew what it was like. She had always been prepared to leave and nothing was deep enough to develop into a friendship. She didn't want it to. There had been only a single exception and she clenched her fists as she thought of it. "Why do you date men if you agree with the idea that you would feel better taken care of next to a woman?"

_Women are too intimate, you couldn't do this again._

“It’s not about being taken care of, or some kind of strategic decision. I am attracted to women too but coming closer to the topic why I am actually sitting here right now, I’m a sex worker, a pro-domme. There is already a rumour that lesbians don’t like dating bisexuals, pansexuals and whatnot and then, I come along and say that I’m letting dudes come on my boots, but that it’s just a job I like doing, what do you think a woman would say to that? Spoiler, they wouldn’t say anything because you are not a good dating choice. Most of it is because of the stigma, but of course it’s also personal dislike against men for several reasons and I even heard a girl tell me that I’m dirty. That was the funniest, really. Women could do so much better if we would understand each other and the differences we have instead of trying to fight each other because of dudes in one way or another. Delusional bitches.” Dior chuckled and nodded at the waiter after sniffing the wine and tasting it briefly.

_So, the stigma remains, no matter where you go._

"I have encountered a lot of sex workers during my travels, but many of them were doing it because of desperation or simply because it was easier for them than earning money differently. I respect the profession, but I can also imagine that somebody who was thrown into it couldn't understand why you would want to do it willingly. A woman in Thailand told me that being a sex worker is the only time she feels like she has control, even though she is paid for the service. Does it have something to do with that for you, or do you simply enjoy the work as a whole?" The topic was interesting, and Dodo found herself relaxing a little. She was still a guarded person, even in Europe, but Dior didn't evoke any feelings of discomfort in her. "I don't see the point of judgement because of a profession, but I'm sorry that it is something you have to deal with."

“I love being a pro-domme,” Dior commented immediately and smiled. “It’s a job that I love, but at the same time I am aware of the exploitation of women in the business and the disregard for human rights. It’s a difficult topic. Let me be very open about this, because being a pro-domme is not like being a prostitute in a brothel. She mainly has various kinds of intercourse with customers that she may or may not like, probably working under pressure or in bad situations like being blackmailed or forced to do it. I’m by myself. I have no boss. I rent dungeons and I have Shownu, my bodyguard, who I trust and who makes sure that shit doesn’t happen when I play. I buy all kinds of toys and clothes and I know exactly what my customers want, we have a nice talk about their expectations and agree on words, mostly colors like green, yellow or red. We talk it through and then it goes into play. I have a big sadistic part of me that is perfectly satisfied by doing what I’m doing, and I love getting the good feedback from my customers. I never have sex with them. Mostly they are not allowed to touch me, only when I say so. You understand that it’s very different from how a woman in a dependency working relationship is being exploited? That’s why most feminists hate me too. They don’t accept the term sex work and only talk about exploitation. They are not wrong, there is exploitation, a lot of it is, but don’t tell me I’m being exploited when it’s the most fun job I’ve ever had.” Dior ruffled up her locks, giving her hair more volume. “I love making men cry. You don’t understand how fucking amazing that is. I asked Wonhee to try it out, she could do that with her toy collection. Of course, she declined. Sad.”

_This is so different from what you know._

She nodded slowly and wondered whether voluntary sex work had also taken place at one of the places she had been to. It was difficult to imagine, and her own experiences drew a sharp line through her attempts to distance herself from it.

_You haven't done art for long enough. _

"I'm sorry, I don't think I am able to share your fascination either. I don't really have an interest in making men cry. They just happen to be the source of my orgasm, something I haven't been able to move on from yet." She sighed because she partially considered it a personal failure. "I find it fascinating that you enjoy sex work and how different it is from what I know. One would need to give people an insight into what they are supposed to fight. Obviously not women that are satisfied with their professions."

“There are cons too,” Dior muttered and gulped down her wine. “Mostly it comes from the stigma of the industry. Also, some of the clients that come have that stigma. They think they can have something that it doesn’t entail. It’s clear that I have no sex with my customers, never, but still, as it’s a legal greyzone, men think they are entitled to have… things.” Exhaling sharply, the woman uncrossed her legs. “Thankfully I’m smarter now, but especially starting the whole thing back in the day, it was a mess. That shows you that you’re not safe as a woman, no matter whether you are spanking someone, have sex with your boyfriend or just exist.”

"I'm assuming that's why you have a bodyguard now," she replied and pursed her lips, feeling sweat develop along her palms as her mind completed what might have gone wrong in the beginning. "There needs to be laws to protect women without stigmatising them. There are some that enjoy the sex, but without being forced to do it, or hurt in the process, or disregarded in what they enjoy and don't. Being paid for sex is not a fucking free abuse card."

She reached for her own wine and took a sip, hating the temperature misregulation in her body. Eyeing her painted legs, she followed the black lines until she felt a little better and looked up again.

“Oh darling, in our society being a woman is a free abuse card,” Dior hissed and rolled her eyes. “That’s why I love Wonhee so much. She only has professional relationships with men, without getting too close, and still fights for everybody else who stays silent. She’s amazing. I love her so much. And thank you for agreeing to participate in this project. It means a lot. She’s risking five years of her life.”

_Because she might lose her job if the authorities don't like it._

"I understand," she whispered and brushed through the strands of her hair, using the sensation to distract herself again. "She changed a lot. I never thought that she had no interest in men."

“She has loved women for as long as we've known each other. How long has it been? Eight years? Wait, do you guys know each other? Her cursing at you made me attentive.” The brown-haired woman slapped both palms on the table and leaned in staring her right in the eyes. “And don’t you dare tell me that you need time too.”

_She told her that she needed time? _

Dodo couldn't help the feeling that the pain she had seen in Wonhee's eyes was much more real than her nightmare was able to repeat. Sufficiently terrible to not share it with her new best friend, the person that was the closest to her now.

_Why did you think that everything would be like back then if somebody took your place? She doesn't need you anymore. You broke it by leaving._

"I-" she began and hated the fact that she already felt emotional. It was unlike her, too much like the person she became right after her departure. "I remember a time when she had a boyfriend."

“I first thought that you must’ve dated before, but you said that you need a man for an orgasm, which would be completely ridiculous if you dated Wonhee. But you must’ve known each other for a long time. Do you also know that… that person who left her? I would really like to see how she looks now, knowing what kind of wreck she left behind.” Dior leaned back again and shook her head. “Sorry, I get emotional about this topic, even though Wonhee barely talks about it lately.”

Dodo lifted her head, observing the curly-haired woman and the obvious concern on her face. She was the source of that concern, of the way she had transformed Wonhee through her departure without even knowing.

_You were dying all by yourself, thinking that at least she was doing well, but she wasn’t._

She had never been able to shift blame, to pretend that it wasn't only her to remain unharmed. Maybe that was the reason for almost dying so many times.

"That person draws black lines on her legs in the hope of erasing the emptiness on the inside," she replied quietly and took another sip of her wine. It didn't taste sweet anymore, but it must have been in her head, reminding her of the last day she saw her best friend.

Wonhee’s best friend stared at her, before lifting the table cloth and glancing at her legs without bothering with the waiter who looked shocked at her behavior.

“It’s you.” The woman swallowed and let the cloth drop down. “That makes me sad.” Dior stared, making the time stand still around them, before she stood up, placed a bill on the table and disappeared without a word, leaving her with the bitter wine and two untouched dishes.

Her lips trembled, and she felt the need to rip the cloth off the table and break everything that was on it, leaving it in shambles much like her insides. The feeling that she had tried to fight in the morning only intensified and she missed the pain in her foot, the one thing that gave her the feeling she was still breathing air instead of living in her nightmares.

_You need to paint. You need to do something, or you'll go mad._

Getting to her feet, she ignored the waiter and stumbled to the elevator, pressing her floor several times even though a single time was sufficient.

"Are you okay, young lady?" a man asked when he entered the elevator one floor lower, but discomfort became immediately apparent when he looked at the black lines along her legs.

_Maybe it's like a sign that something is wrong, immediately visible from the outside._

"No," she replied and pressed her floor once more when it was meant to be the next one. She didn't give the man next to her the time to reply and hurried towards her room, focusing on the pain in her foot.

_Just go to one of those grey walls. They are empty just like you. Maybe you can fill at least one of them._

It wasn't like her to just grab her materials and go somewhere without an idea, without a set piece she was going to create at a place that was meant for it.

This time it wasn't even LiFa, it was just Dodo trying to fill the empty space.

She didn't bother with shoes because they only gave the impression of normality. There was none, not for her. Dodo didn't even care what time it was and that a museum was usually closed to visitors at this time. She had never cared about things like that, not unless they brought her trouble that would keep her from creating.

A cab was the best way to get there and luckily the driver didn't distract her by asking what was wrong with her. Maybe her destination was enough of an explanation. After all, women were considered to be crazy, especially those that created things others didn't want to see.

Standing in front of the gigantic building of London's modern art museum, she once again felt like she didn't belong. It wasn't her caliber, not a place that was meant to harbor her art. It wasn't dirty or hidden away in the depths of a country that had nobody with a loud enough voice to scream for help. It was polished to perfection instead and Dodo couldn't help the urge to rip it all apart, the same feeling she had after visiting the refuge.

_Just because you rip it apart, you won't be able to do the same to yourself. You tried._

Instead of sneaking in somehow, she tried the front door which opened without much effort, letting her into the spacious entrance hall that was mostly deserted.

_Why is it open?_

She didn't know, but it also didn't matter. Making her way towards the hall that Wonhee had shown her during the tour, she jumped over the railing and the step that separated her from the concrete and let her long fingers pass over it, stroking over the texture and thinking about what she wanted to do with it.

_You need to fill it somehow, let the black bleed out past your toes, but not too much._

She wanted it gone, but she couldn't let herself be empty. There would be nothing to tell then, nothing to create.

Inhaling sharply, she kept her eyes closed and imagined, tried to put her current feelings into a single frame, something that told the story without being too personal.

_If it's personal, you don't want them to see._

Moving back from the wall, she looked around the hall, at the shop that was visible behind a glass facade and the gigantic ramp that led deeper into the museum. She couldn't paint the grey concrete, not yet. It wasn't a story for the masses.

She stared at the ramp and her own feet that looked small in comparison, one still bandaged from the night before. There was a little bit of blood visible through the dirty gauze bandage, but it wasn't enough to be concerned yet.

_Stop thinking and start painting or you'll go mad._

A single look at her brushes told her that she didn't need them, not for this. Opening one of the small pots that she carried around, she dipped her fingers into the pitch-black color and moved to the middle of the ramp, drawing a thick line with the knife of her hand.

_You need to show the blackness first, the part that has no color and that nobody sees._

"You didn't like the walls?" a familiar voice said, and she looked up, seeing bare feet, pale legs and a dark blue dress, wrapping around the woman's curves like a second skin. Wonhee was looking at her, perfectly dressed, makeup on point and hair styled, only the bare feet didn't fit with the rest.

_She almost looks like you._

"This isn't for everybody to see," she replied quietly and couldn't help the urge to move closer and reach out, drawing a single line along the other woman's right leg. The contrast was extreme with the pale skin, like there was no need for blackness at all. Dodo needed it to feel complete, but with Wonhee it looked like she had tainted her, ruined something that was perfect on its own.

The woman gasped when her fingers touched the soft skin, and jerked, but didn't move away, staying in the same spot.

"Maybe I shouldn't see it either. Would you like me to leave?" Wonhee asked and stepped closer instead of walking away.

"You might be the only one who deserves to see it." Pulling her eyes away from the other woman's pale legs and the way she had sullied them, she returned her attention to the blackness in front of her, the paint on her palm and the lines on her legs. She felt so desperate again. It's been a long time since she had felt this way, without any brightness surrounding her.

Wonhee didn't say anything, disturbing the silence only by the barely audible sounds of her bare feet as she stopped right next to her and sat on the concrete floor next to the line she drew, pulling up her knees and placing her chin on top of them.

_It's almost like back then, only that you were stupid enough to ignore the 'no vacancy' sign after seeing her again._

"I'm sorry for assuming that a place that had once been mine would still be there after all this time. It's selfish of me," she whispered and returned her attention to the black line, adding another with a curve, resembling the silhouette of a woman. There was too much resemblance, so she placed her black palm on top of it, blurring it and letting the paint bleed into the surface of the floor.

"It's there, but it's a very dark one," Wonhee whispered, round eyes drowning in the lines she drew.

"Why would it be dark if you were able to fill it with a wonderful person? One that knows what I've done and prefers to have nothing to do with me." She swallowed and quickly returned her attention to the black lines. She had drawn them to feel better, but instead she felt the need to cover herself in the same paint. Dior was right to leave her like that, knowing that she had been the one who hurt her friend. Dodo wasn't a friend anymore, she was a nobody.

"Are you talking about Dior? She called me. I'm sorry that she left. She's just hurt because she knows the dark place that belongs to you. Usually that place is the night. Like now." The curved mouth barely moved, but Wonhee's dark, round eyes still observed every movement of her paint covered hands.

"She's right, I'm a nothing now." She shouldn't have said it, it was internal, a personal problem that she shouldn't have bothered Wonhee with. The black-haired woman had enough to deal with and having Dodo next to her was the last thing she needed right now.

Dipping her hand into the paint again, she covered her face with it, eyes closing and feeling how cold it was against her skin. A few drops fell on her knees, but they fit right in with the lines she had created earlier in the evening. Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she opened her eyes again and drew the outline of a car. It was barely there, blurry, just like the outline of the woman that was sitting on top of it.

_Don't do this to yourself._

"How can you be nothing if you're still able to make me feel like this?" Wonhee whispered and a glance revealed that the woman was crying, silently, without a sound or a movement, only tears that rolled down her pale cheeks.

"Because I make myself feel this way, like a ticking time bomb," she forced past her lungs and fought the desire to cry. She hated the feeling of it, the way her body wasn't able to draw or do anything except for throwing a pot of color around her and hope that it would soak everything she didn't want to see.

Wiping over the drawing and blurring it for both of them, she took a deep breath and focused on the sensation of color against her skin, the way some covered her lips. Her fingers were quick to create new outlines, the first place she ended up after she left, the barrel of a gun, fear and the sight of her own hands as she genuinely feared for her life for the first time. Maybe she was trying to distract herself, but back then she had regretted being on her own for the first time, simply because nobody was able to understand. Not a single person was able to understand anything that happened to her.

_Which is why you talk for others. You can be the messenger, the art without pain._

"If you're the one who makes yourself feel like this, then maybe I'm the one who's making myself feel like this too. Miserable independent of each other, as you say." Wonhee stopped crying and simply stared at what she drew, keeping her position straight.

"I've never been miserable next to you," she replied quietly and grabbed the red paint, drawing blood over legs as she had done earlier. Continuing on to her previous creations, she added dirt and glass, a can of spray paint. All of them were random pictures that popped into her mind. She added them around the very first drawing, a woman sitting on top of a car.

Suddenly, the short woman stood up and walked over the painted floors, leaving footprints with her bare feet before stopping right in front of her. The black eyes didn't leave her when she lifted her hands and wiped some of the paint from her face carefully, as if she was a piece of art that Wonhee didn't dare to touch too roughly.

Her breath hitched, but she couldn't tell why exactly. The marks that the small feet left all over her memories felt like the truth, like an accurate representation of how she had felt, because Wonhee had been everywhere. In her mind, in her dreams. The short girl that loved everything she created had been everywhere until Dodo decided that she had been Dodo for long enough and it was time to stop.

Wiping the black color on her elegant dress, Wonhee reached out again, wrapping one arm around her waist while the other lifted to stroke over her head, as the short woman pulled her into a gentle embrace, warmth instantly spreading around her along with the soft exhales that tickled her neck.

_But why?_

She couldn't tell, but the embrace hit her harder than she could have anticipated, shoulders shaking and lungs gasping for air. Wonhee seemed so precious, free from the blackness that her face and body were covered in, but still Dodo couldn't resist and returned the hug.

"I'm so sorry about your dress," she whispered and buried her face in the other woman's neck. "About everything."

Wonhee didn't reply and hugged her tighter, warm hand carefully pulling her closer as she felt the soft cheek against her neck. "I'm sorry that you feel like this," she whispered.

Dodo wanted to reply, but she didn't know how. How could her childhood friend be sorry for the way she felt, if the one who had ruined everything was her, not the delicate girl that had warned her about driving too fast. She had never thought about it, but it was true. Despite never expecting to see Wonhee again, the one who ruined whatever had been there before was her.

She had no right to be missing it, but still she was.

Wrapping her arms tighter around the other woman's slim waist and feeling her chest against her own, Dodo found herself wishing that she was strong enough to be on her own, to bear the idea that the one person that knew her the best was somebody else's now.

She found herself wishing once again that she was anything, anything but Dodo.

***

Her date was beautiful. A skin tone that made her look unhealthy in comparison and big beautiful eyes that were attentive throughout their talk, checking up on her, even when she looked to the side in thought. Her orange hair fit so well and Wonhee couldn’t help thinking that she purposefully searched for people who compensated for her lack of color. Be it Dodo back then or the gorgeous woman named Lena now.

They talked for two hours, and everything fit. They intertwined their fingers after stealing touches and the way Lena’s delicate fingertips brushed over her skin told her a story that was about to continue.

_It would have._

It didn’t because she couldn’t stop thinking about someone else. About the tall, brown-haired woman with a smile that sometimes looked mildly disgusted, especially when she didn’t pay attention to her expressions. She thought about the colors, the art Dodo was able to create. She was pulled into a whirlwind of memories, especially when Dior called, saying that she had no intention of continuing talking to ‘the bitch’ who ruined her. Her best friend sounded hurt and she could understand but felt helpless about it at the same time.

“You seem to be in a place that doesn’t leave space for me,” the red-haired woman remarked with a smile that held no judgment and only seemed to share an observation.

“It’s a dark space. I don’t think you want to come in,” Wohee murmured in reply, smiling back in apology.

“I would love to. When you invite me.” A breathtakingly beautiful smile spread the soft lips before they touched her cheek for a few seconds that made her feel warm and disappeared again. She watched the daisy dress mingle into the colorless mass and felt a little sad about losing its sight. It suited her so well.

_You keep losing the colors no matter where you go._

She sat at the small table staring at her Whisky before downing it and deciding that she had to compensate by working. The cab only needed a few minutes to take her to the Tate and she easily opened the door, not locking it because there was enough security that was on standby to trigger an alarm if someone trespassed.

The night was her least and her most favorite time. It brought back her memories and the things she tried not to think about during the day, but it gave her something magical in return. The lack of color and how well she seemed to fit in, walking over the smooth grey concrete, bare feet making no noise at all, as if the white and the grey were one, as if she belonged, could melt into the boring nothingness.

Seeing Dodo draw black lines was befitting to the situation. Black, white, grey, the colors the shadows were made of. Shadows like her.

Was it the Whisky? Was it the paint on her leg, or the black paint on Dodo’s face and neck, attempting to cover everything bright that she knew was there? The tall woman had been through a lot, of course she had, Wonhee just didn’t have any energy to think about any pain apart from her own. Stepping over the artwork and ruining it with her footprints, she attempted to remove the paint from the woman’s soft features, wiping it off on her dress that was completely meaningless in that situation. Wrapping her arms around the thin waist, she held Dodo, feeling the consequences of the mistake she was making right there, but unable to let go. The pain was sharp like a thousand needles, poking through the Iron Man suit that she apparently wasn’t able to wear at night. What good was a superpower, if you couldn’t use it when you needed it the most?

It hurt, but she felt it. She felt that she wasn’t the only one hurting and the affection buried her under a powerful and overwhelming wave, leaving her unable to escape, step back and reconsider.

“I’m sorry that you got hurt,” she whispered, playing with the brown hair with her paint-covered fingers. She could smell it at her neck, on the spot where Dodo’s face pressed against it.

"It's the consequence of my decisions," the slim woman replied and exhaled softly, holding on to her like she was just as unwilling to let go as Wonhee was. "Just like the pain I caused you."

“But you weren’t aware. You would have lived on, if I didn’t tell you, so what’s different now? The knowledge? The words that left my mouth? It doesn’t matter, does it?” She imagined so many times how it would feel to touch if they met again. Asking herself whether she would cry, or scream, whether she would break down and curse, or simply feel nothing. None of it was right. She felt an overwhelming intimacy, as if the thin woman in her arms only needed to step close enough to permeate through her shell and wrap around her heart, squeezing it painfully.

"No," Dodo replied and shook her head to give her words more weight. "It matters, because all this time I was convinced that it was okay, because there was only me suffering. I was the one who left, and I was the one who suffered from it in the end. But that's not true, none of it is fucking true. I can't remember somebody looking at me with as much contempt as Dior did before she left the restaurant. I remember myself in the same situation, the one who detested everybody who dared to hurt you. Only that it is me now, I'm the source of it all. Fuck."

The brown-haired woman inhaled sharply and let her painted hand slide over the drawing, blurring the edges of the dark red with the painting in the middle, the one that she had drawn everything else around. The scent of paint was strong all around them and seemed to cradle them in a bubble of it, away from the greyness around.

“She was hurt by my pain and it was my fault for not telling her, so she probably felt terrible, but I will talk to her about this, you don’t need to overthink. You came here to create, but instead I’m making you feel bad. You left for a reason.” Wonhee sighed and her words made so much sense that it physically hurt.

Long fingers tightened in her dress before letting go again, as if the woman in her arms couldn't decide whether it was okay to hold on.

"I left for a reason, but the reason wasn't you," Dodo replied and kept the touch of her painted hand light while the other pulled her close, stroking over her side and lower back. "You're not the one making me feel bad, Wonhee. You just happen to be the only friend I ever had. I'm glad you found somebody who cares about you and knows better than to leave."

_Is she talking about Dior?_

She swallowed, remembering all the situations where she understood how much her best friend suffered from the fact that she was still not over a person from ten years ago.

“You are still a fool. Nothing has changed,” she whispered and couldn’t help the demanding way her grip tightened on Dodo’s waist to feel the woman’s shaky breaths right where it hurt. The only friend. She was the only friend.

"I thought I was a crazy bitch," the brown-haired woman replied softly, and she could feel her smile a little against her skin, shifting on the cold ground. Instead of keeping her painted hand away, Dodo changed her mind and returned the embrace, slipping one of her slim thighs between hers. Both of them must be covered in paint by now. "You were always the voice of reason, only that I was too much of a crazy bitch to listen, I guess. I still have a scar on my knee from when I fell from that tree and you cursed me out. It looks a little bit like a moon though, like I really am a piece of art."

“You are. You have all the colors, so it doesn’t matter where you go. It’s always bright.” Wonhee leaned back while keeping her grip and stared at the paint on the woman’s face. “You’re pretty even if you try to change yourself with paint.”

Dodo shook her head but didn't elaborate. Instead she kept holding on to her and stroked over her back in circular motions while meeting her gaze.

"There's nothing and I painted to fill it," the brown-haired woman whispered suddenly, words loud in the empty hall. The big eyes fluttered shut for a few seconds. "That's what nobody knows. Nobody but me."

“We boring humans call it depression,” Wonhee muttered and glanced to the side. “I also thought there was nothing after you left, but I got therapy and now I know that I’m just colorless.” Sighing, she focused on Dodo’s eyes. “The thing about the nothing. That’s what nobody thinks but you. I also have those thoughts, and sometimes share with Dior and then she hits me hard.”

"I don't have anybody to share these thoughts with. Getting hit has also never really helped, it only inspired more drawings and the need to tell somebody else's story. You know, Wonhee, for being colorless you have brought a lot of color to my work." Dodo pulled her closer again and rested her forehead on her shoulder, dried paint remaining on the woman's face instead of passing over to her dress. "I don't mean to sound this way. After all, it was my own choice. Not everything that happened to me, but the path is what I chose for myself."

“I guess it was my choice too,” she whispered, loosening her embrace to create more distance. “To stay back, waiting.”

Dodo looked up, but didn't let her pull away, grasping her elegant dress with her long fingers, making it ride up her curved back.

"And what is your choice now?" the brown-haired woman asked, and the color of her lips was in stark contrast with the paint on her cheeks, partially wiped away by Wonhee's fingers. "Is that dark space still there, close enough to grasp?"

“It has always been the same. You come and step over every boundary, settling right in the middle and at the same time wondering whether you are close enough. So many years have passed and you still don’t know.” Wonhee sighed and looked behind the tall woman. “Does your foot hurt a lot?”

"It reminds me of the Little Mermaid," Dodo replied and reached for her paint again, choosing blue and green. Dipping her fingers into the thick substance, the artist reached for her pale leg and added a blurred shape, reminding her of a scale. More scales took form, resembling a tail with pale spots in between the scales. Adding several more in green before returning to blue, the brown eyes met hers. "Like this. It suits you much better. Maybe I just never learned to recognise your kingdom."

Watching the long fingers drawing on her skin, she couldn’t help wishing that Dodo would paint those faded flowers on her side.

_It would probably just hurt more._

“Your mind is beautiful. I want to kiss it.” Wonhee took some of the green and reached for the pretty face, drawing a small green heart on Dodo’s cheek. “Better,” she murmured.

The brown-haired woman smiled before simply grabbing her leg and pulling it closer. The action was enough to make her fall back on her elbows as Dodo cradled her calf in her palms and placed a kiss to her ankle. Meeting her eyes briefly, the tall girl turned her face and pressed her painted cheek against the area right above her toes, leaving a green heart.

"You are so beautiful. Even more so than I remember. The short hair suits you so well, Wonhee," the familiar voice whispered against the skin of her foot.

There was nothing she could have said to that, simply staring at her foot and the painfully familiar face next to it. Maybe it was because it was night and because Dodo made it possible to cover everything around her in colors, quite literally. She was wondering if it was a dream she failed to wake up from, but the dull pain in her chest made her positive that it wasn’t. She was still hurt, but the reason for being hurt, the deep affection that she carried around from ten years ago remained somewhere hidden. It prevented her from moving on and suddenly appeared on the surface, whenever the brown-haired woman was anywhere close.

“You crazy bitch,” she whispered and pulled her foot back, sitting up and crawling forward to wrap her arms around Dodo, making her fall on her back and landing on top of her flat chest.

The brown-haired woman laughed and curled her arms around her, holding on tightly and rolling to the side, looking at her face with her gorgeous cheeks lifting up and lips spreading wide.

"I missed you," Dodo murmured and kissed her forehead, fingers softly stroking over her back. "If you can't see the colors, I'd love to paint them for you."

“I surround myself with colors, as you can see.” She preferred to say something meaningless instead of admitting that she had missed the brunette woman too. Her situation was different, but Dodo didn’t know that. She couldn’t have said ‘I missed you too’ because it wasn’t the same missing. It couldn’t be. “I miss you,” she whispered instead, eyes lifting to meet the big brown ones that were framed in black paint.

"Can I turn it into a feeling of the past?" Dodo pulled her closer again and let her right hand travel up until it reached her head, stroking over her short hair.

“I don’t know. There are so many things you were never aware of. But now, I think it might have been for the better. I’m lying on the floor at my workplace covered in paint and the security guy is taking screenshots and laughing like crazy. They probably think that I’m drunk. Do you think it’s funny?” Wonhee changed the topic and focused her gaze on the green heart that messily covered the woman’s cheek.

"I don't think it's funny, I think it feels right," Dodo replied and brushed a lock away from her eyes. "I'd like to be aware from now on, if you'll let me."

Standing up, the tall woman stretched out her hand for her to grasp, clothes a mess and legs covered in various patches of paint. Even the gauze bandage that had been a perfect white wasn't recognizable anymore.

Wonhee stared at the stretched-out hand, wondering if it was okay to let herself go like that, to drop her guard and let someone in, let her be close again.

"I don't think I can give you the same as I did back then. I don't know if it's enough for you and I don't know whether I can handle it either." Still she grabbed the big palm and let herself be pulled to her feet. She was being ridiculous, thinking that she could somehow escape the grip that Dodo's presence had on her, how it infiltrated her and tugged on the lingering feelings from the past.

"I know." Dodo was smiling as she kept holding onto her palm and made her way towards the exit of the hall, struggling to walk with her injured foot, but as usual she pretended it was nothing. "There are so many people around you, just like back then. But maybe I'll be able to be the artist friend at least."

"So many years have passed and you're still a fool," she whispered, fighting with the dissonance between Dodo's words and her emotional state. "Hopeless fool." She wrapped her arm around the slim hips and took the woman's slim arm, curling it around her shoulders to stabilize her. "Let's give you a new bandage."

"Yeah," the tall woman replied and brushed through her hair, chuckling because she must have known that it was necessary. It was typical of Dodo to pretend that she was fine when she wasn't. Instead of simply going along she made sure to collect all her paint and tools. "I'm still sorry for ruining your dress. You can't wash it off. But I could paint a better one on your naked skin."

"You can't say things like that after a ruined date," Wonhee commented and laughed to take away pressure from her words. "Good that I left my car here. I don't know if a cab would've taken us anywhere."

"We could have walked," Dodo remarked and shrugged, grin remaining in place. "Might just have taken a while. I could crawl on the sidewalk and end up in the newspaper for scaring decent citizens. But why was your date ruined? I also… didn't know you liked women. I just assumed you were straight because of Marc."

"I was distracted and lost in thought and she could see it. I'm still sorry about that, but that's just how it is. Concerning my preferences, I thought I had to do it the same way everybody else does it, and it took some time to understand it for myself, but I'm a lesbian. Definitely." She shrugged and pretended as if it was nothing, remaining silent about how she found out and that the beautiful woman next to her had been the first step. Unlocking the car, she helped the Dodo into the passenger seat and inhaled deeply before starting the engine and driving towards her apartment.

"I've always felt safer and more at ease with women, especially you, so I can imagine why Dior envies you for this. I'm sorry that your date didn't go well. I'd try to give you pointers, but you've always had more dating experience than me. I'm a noob." Dodo chuckled and lifted her hurt foot on top of the dashboard, paint peeling off in small chunks. Lights were dancing over the paint on the other woman's face, barely reflecting back. "It must be relieving to finally understand. I've only talked to women that decided to be with other women because of bad experiences."

"In the end the why doesn't matter, right? If it would only be because of bad experiences with men, there would not be a single straight woman left. It only matters that you feel safe, protected and that you can feel pleasure and feel loved too, so everything else isn't relevant. For someone who's advocating all that I'm sure not good at relationships." She chuckled and parked outside, opening the passenger door and pulling Dodo out, stabilizing her.

"You haven't seen being bad at relationships otherwise you wouldn't say that. Pleasure is the only thing that I'm still desperately holding onto." Sighing, the brown-haired woman let her carry most of her weight and followed her into the apartment, glancing around once in a while.

"Who can live without pleasure? But I don't need another person for that. That was the first step of my liberation and now I'm an expert." She wiggled her eyebrows playfully, feeling strange at first, but her memories made it seem as if it was okay, as if the amount of intimacy and closeness was manageable. Not more than it had been before. "You can take a bath if you like, and again you don't need colors to paint the water."

"I can't imagine not needing another person," the brown-haired woman whispered, mostly to herself and stared at her painted hand for a while before using it to brush through her long hair anyway. She glanced towards the bathroom.

"Unfortunately, the colors won't mix well in the bath," Dodo murmured and pulled her dress over her head, right in the hallway, followed by her bra and underwear. "Where should I put it to not ruin any of your furniture?"

“Well, being with another person is different, always. But there is nothing that can’t be substituted by experience and some nice toys,” she murmured, staring at Dodo’s bare skin, shining like silver sand in the light blue color of her nightly illumination that turned on automatically. It was late enough. “I don’t care,” she added regarding the clothes.

"I guess one needs the toys and the time to explore." The beautiful woman combed her perfectly straight hair with her fingers and made her way towards the bathroom, stopping halfway to look back at her. "Won't you join? You're covered in paint too. In addition, I welcome your company."

_Oh god._

Wonhee couldn’t do it. There was no way to suddenly embrace a naked female body without any feelings. Not after all the experience she had and how attractive the tall woman was. It was better to keep it at a friendship level, for both of them.

“I…” she stopped in the middle, remembering how hurt Dodo was by her rejection last time they were in a similar situation. “I will shower while you take a bath. The tub is tiny, and I can’t turn on the light. It will be ice-blue like that until the morning. Are you okay with it?” Wonhee walked past Dodo and opened the door, revealing the tiled room that resembled an ice cave with the light blue illumination. Turning her head, she glanced at the tall woman. “Would you help me with the zipper?”

"Of course," Dodo replied quietly, probably affected by the atmosphere of the room and stepped behind her, long fingers stroking over her back until they settled on the zipper. "We could also both shower. It's fine, I can stand," the tall woman added as she carefully unzipped her dress, letting it slip down a little lower. Dodo didn't stop there, cupping the curve of her shoulders and pulling at the fabric until it sank to the tiled floor. "You are... really stunning, Wonhee. A vision in the moonlight."

_No._

Her pride and control fell down her body along with her blue dress, leaving her only in tiny underwear, partially covered in paint with the warm sensation of hands on her body. She trembled at the touch. It wasn’t on purpose, the intensity overwhelmed her while images unraveled inside her mind.

“You foot is hurt, how can you stand?” she whispered, not turning around. “Why am I so weak for those words?” she asked, but it was directed at herself.

"You're hurt too, but still you're standing in front of me," Dodo replied and simply wrapped her arms around her from behind, plump lips placing a kiss to her shoulder. "Let's shower, I'll hold onto you if it gets difficult."

_What will you hold on to?_

She didn’t know, but her body reacted with goosebumps that seemed to spread from the spot Dodo’s plump lips touched, down to her chest and stomach. Nodding, she stepped forward and reached behind herself, trying to undo her bra with shaky fingers. Those weren’t the movements of a grown-up woman, it was the Wonhee from ten years ago, affected beyond belief by the proximity of another woman.

Dodo didn't hesitate as she simply unclasped it for her and pulled it down her shoulders, warm hands pausing at her hips for a brief moment. Inhaling softly, the brown-haired woman slipped her hands under her panties at the sides and pulled them down too, leaving both of them naked.

"Let's go, I'm curious how long it needs to warm up," the brown-haired woman whispered and tugged her along to the spacious shower. In the dim light it was harder to recognize the pitch-black lines of the flowers below the small breast, interrupted by a white line. Dodo's body hasn't changed much. She was still slim with a narrow waist and endless legs. She was a little thinner and looked leaner than Wonhee remembered her to be. An additional change was the presence of hair between the tall woman's legs.

Stepping out of her underwear, Wonhee walked into the shower and turned on the water, waiting until it was warm enough and looked over her shoulder. “It’s warm now,” she whispered, unable to look away as soon as her eyes focused on Dodo’s body, gaze travelling over the lean stomach and chest, shamelessly observing the curve of her hips and the darker triangle between her legs.

"I'm not afraid of cold water anymore, but it's still not my favorite," Dodo murmured with a smile and joined her under the warm spray, big eyes closing, and water drops pearling off her plump lips. "It's so much bigger than back at home."

“The shower? It’s my favorite place.” Wonhee grabbed the shower gel and spread it in her palms, foaming it and finally turning around to face the tall woman. Reaching out, she took the paint-covered palm, soaping it and intertwining their fingers to get rid of all the color.

_You can do this if she doesn’t touch you. It will be fine._

Dodo smiled and spread her fingers to make it easier, resting her weight on her healthy foot. They had left the gauze bandage on.

"You're immediately starting with the hardest part," she commented and closed her eyes again, visibly enjoying the water that ran down her face. "I've been showering with buckets of cold water for ages. Why do you like the shower so much?"

“It gives you the feeling that time passes faster because the water is flowing, and you think so is the time. I also take bathes, but usually not alone.” She avoided looking at the big brown eyes and focused on removing the paint from the woman’s hands, until they were more or less clean. At least as far as she could see in the ice-blue light.

"So, you take them for sexual reasons?" Dodo asked and winked before grabbing the shower gel herself and sinking to the ground with foam covered hands. Pushing her out of the water spray, the big hands touched her thigh and slipped lower, removing the scales that the artist had painted on her legs. "The last time I took a bath was in a river and to clean the wound on my ribs. God, I must sound like such a ranger."

Having Dodo kneel in front of her in her night light made it seem like a dream and at the same time made her feel so naked suddenly.

“What happened?” she asked, to distract herself from her thoughts.

"Organ trafficking, I got drugged and they wanted to cut out something valuable since I'm stupid and young," Dodo replied, voice interrupted by the sound of water. "I wish I had your thighs."

_Holy fuck. It must have been traumatic. That’s probably the reason for hiding it from you._

The other woman's hands kept stroking over the curve of her hip and up to her thigh even though there wasn't much paint there.

It wasn’t as if Wonhee was always horny. She wasn’t at all. But the sensation of warm palms stroking up her thigh was mostly associated with one very specific and clear reason. The goosebumps spread further, and she leaned in, pulling Dodo up to prevent further inadequate response.

"I wasn't done yet," the brown-haired woman muttered, lips pulling together into a pout. "But fine."

Reaching out, the soapy hands covered her arm and massaged along her muscles as Dodo grinned at her. She seemed so happy about showering together, unlike her who was struggling to keep things under control.

Wonhee took a little bit of soap and stepped forward, making sure it wasn’t too close, and reached for Dodo’s face, remaining focused and carefully washing off the paint. “You are beautiful no matter what. And I’m sorry that you had to experience that. It sounds traumatic.”

Dodo shrugged as if it was nothing and pointed at her tattoo briefly.

"I was mostly upset about them cutting this open. It felt like they let the soul escape and I needed a long time to recover from that. Not my soul, the soul of the tattoo."

“My soul is colorless,” she murmured and turned around to take the shampoo from the glass shelf. Pouring some in her palm, she started soaping her hair a step away from the spray.

"That's bullshit, I've painted it before," Dodo replied like it was a fact that was part of every curriculum. "I liked to imagine that we had some connection. You know, like talking to you through the one thing we share? I kept imagining that you gave me common sense advice. But then they cut it, like a fucking phone line."

“You are creative. I thought I was the only one who had the connection until it started to physically hurt.” Was crying better than being horny with her ex-best friend? Wonhee had no idea and stepped under the water, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation of flowing. Maybe all her problems would flow away too, the ambivalence and the pain.

_It doesn’t work, and you know it._

"Maybe my feeling was right, they let the soul escape, my connection with yours." Dodo sighed and reached out again, letting her long fingers sink into her black hair as she massaged her scalp under the spray. "Our height difference is perfect."

“No. You leaving did,” she said and opened her eyes, staring right into Dodo’s brown ones. It wasn’t time for bitterness, but the beautifully creative way of the tall woman explaining what happened between them didn’t feel good. It wasn’t real. The pain she had felt every fucking day since that evening was real. Grabbing the shampoo bottle, she squeezed a big amount on her hands and walked behind Dodo, shampooing her ridiculously long hair to not be forced to look at her. It was too much.

The brown-haired woman didn't say anything, remaining silent as she shifted and bent her knees to make it easier for her to work the shampoo into her hair.

"Apologizing doesn't make it better, I know, but I do regret it."

“It doesn’t matter now, does it? It’s a different reality, a different concept, a different composition.” Her voice was a whisper, but she was close enough to the small curled ear to know that the tall woman heard what she said. She was finished with the hair and she could have left it at that, but her hands stroked down the bony shoulders and down Dodo’s long arms. Her calves were still covered in paint, so Wonhee kneeled down on the tiles, drawing the curve of the narrow hips and thighs, before removing the black paint from the woman’s long legs, layer after layer with every touch.

"It matters to me," Dodo replied and winced when she put too much weight on her hurt foot. "You know why I drew those black lines, but washed them out towards the bottom? It's because it feels like the color is draining and covering everything around me, but I want a little bit of it to stay, even if it's pitch-black. There's always more black, but I'm scared of nothing remaining. You make me feel like you're pumping all of it right back into me. I'm so happy next to you, but at the same time I'm the one who makes you miserable. Is there no way for me to change it? Can't I at least try?"

_She is happy next to you? How?_

As soon as she was back on her feet, Wonhee walked around and wrapped one arm around the other woman’s waist, stabilizing her.

“Should we go out?” she asked, ignoring everything else.

"No," Dodo whispered and wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling her flush against her slim body as she leaned back against the shower wall to shift the weight from her hurt foot. Wonhee gasped, fighting her first response to move away from the embrace. It was close, so close, but not only because there was warm skin against her own, it was because it seemed as if Dodo stepped over all boundaries again, ending up in the tiny inner circle where she was weak and unable to do or say anything.

_But you are older now. It’s not the same._

“Then what do you want?” she breathed out, hands wrapped around the woman’s shoulders to push herself away just in case.

"I want to be next to you," Dodo replied and repeated the same intimate gesture of kissing her shoulder, leaving a sensation of heat even though there was water raining down on them.

“Aren’t you now?” She tilted her head and leaned in, brushing her cheek against Dodo’s before turning slightly and placing a careful kiss against the warm skin and ignoring how intense it felt.

"But I don't want it to end." Brown eyes met hers as the other woman stroked over her wet back. "I want to get to know you again, Wonhee."

The words hurt, but it wasn’t because of the time she had spent hurt and unable to move on from the person in front of her. It was because Dodo wanted to get to know her. She wanted to get to know her as a person, but there was nothing. Just colorless nothing, an Iron Man suit harboring an eighteen-year old girl crying after a person from ten years ago.

_Who knows, maybe now it’s her turn to be hurt and disappointed._


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 26th of November at 2 PM CET.  
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Pale skin reflected the bluish light of the spots and tiles surrounding them. Full breasts met broad hips, kissing tenderly through a slim waist. There were so many features to appreciate, the form of the other woman's shoulder blades and the black hair that didn't reach that far anymore. Wonhee's round thighs that touched lightly when she stood under the spray of the shower, washing her hair. Everything about the black-haired woman was beautiful, beginning with her body and ending with the grace she had when she walked, talked or simply breathed.

_She was this beautiful back then too, only more hesitant._

It felt like back then, being able to wrap her arms around the other woman and hold her close as they stood under the warm water, whispering thoughts and concerns to each other. Like this, with Wonhee in her arms, it almost felt as if she had never left, as if all those things that happened to her were somebody else's stories to tell.

_She's washing off the color, but you don't even mind. It doesn't feel empty next to her. _

The longer the two of them remained under the water, observing each other in the dim light and removing the remaining paint, the more Dodo yearned for the past. Was it really enough to see the black-haired woman whenever she came to the museum or planned on creating? Could that really be enough for her? It didn't feel like it.

With each step that she bridged between them, her hands seemed to stretch out further, wrapping around Wonhee and returning her into her embrace. She wanted it to be the way it was before, to have the only person that knew her mind next to her, the only one that believed in her.

It was selfish, she knew. After all she was the one who left in the first place, abandoning Wonhee with the pain she must have been suffering from all this time. Dodo couldn't imagine it, didn't know how terrible it must have been. But she had her own experiences, all this time without Wonhee next to her while treasuring whatever had been between them.

_Can't you have it back? The intimacy, the affection?_

It wasn't only the intimacy or friendship that she was missing. Standing next to Wonhee and having those delicate hands touching her skin, stroking over her hips, felt different from everything she encountered before, everything except for their shared experiences when they were girls.

_She's giving you something that no other place was able to. _

Staring at the black paint that collected at their feet and disappeared down the drain, Dodo couldn't help but feel relieved even though she should have hated the feeling. All this time she had been searching for a place that she belonged, a place that needed her to tell its story. Why would she feel at ease next to another person? There was no story to tell. There was only her, standing under the warm spray and left with skin and bones instead of paint.

_And still it feels alright, but why?_

Dodo had carried around emptiness all this time, imagined how now that there was a cut at her side, everything that was of value could escape through it. It was a part of her by now, but it didn't feel incomplete next to her childhood friend. It felt right, but the rightness scared her. Was she holding onto a feeling from the past? A yearning to return the person that she was before, fighting the system without the experiences that were buried under her skin by now?

Wonhee's skin was tender where her fingertips brushed over it, a feeling that appeared familiar from her childhood memories. The images were so clear, and the longer Dodo observed the other woman and how she was everything that she couldn't be, her appearance in her art made so much sense. Many of her protagonists carried Wonhee's features, be it the curved lips or the curvy body. Even the delicate hands that had been holding a crying child in one of her earlier works. So many features of her childhood friend had found their way into her work, even if she wasn't aware of it.

_She left a mark too and now that you're back you can feel it._

Her declaration was selfish again, the realization that she wanted to get to know the woman in front of her, to see how she was different from her memories and the person she portrayed in her art. Dodo had always attempted to make herself into art, but all this time she was turning the image of Wonhee from ten years ago immortal.

Reaching for the faucet, she turned off the water, but didn't let go of the warm body in her arms. Drops were running down their bodies, but she didn't mind. Even without the hot water it wasn't cold, the dimmed room kept them warm in addition to each others body heat.

"Let's get dry," she whispered, aware that it was time for her to leave soon. Wonhee had taken her along to take care of her foot and she must be overstaying her welcome.

_You want to be somebody who matters, but you can't step over everything you've done to her. It's too rushed._

Despite being aware, she resisted letting go of the shorter woman and simply wrapped a towel around them, breathing in the scent of the fruity shampoo.

"Why do you keep it dark at night?" she asked quietly and kissed the wet forehead briefly. Wonhee's chest was soft against her own, causing goosebumps to spread even though she wasn't feeling cold.

“It feels different, right?” Wonhee smiled briefly and licked her lips. The delicate hand travelled up and rubbed at the corner of her mouth, before wiping it on the towel, painting it black. “I wake up in the night, or struggle to fall asleep and I needed to create a different reality for myself to be able to function in the daylight. It’s the inside of my Iron Man suit. Ice-blue and vulnerable.”

_She must be hiding this from others, just like you paint over your skin._

"When you spoke of it back then, I never thought you were going to create it. I must have underestimated you," she replied and glanced around again, hyper aware of how delicate everything seemed in blue light. It wasn't enough to be intrusive, but sufficient to make out features and recognise the furniture. "When I struggle to fall asleep it mostly means I need to create, or I will go mad. I probably did go mad for a year or two, I can't really tell for sure. But it must be something else with you. What keeps you awake at night?"

Wonhee held her gaze, hint of a smile passing by her features before the beautiful woman escaped the towel and turned around, looking over her shoulder. “You,” she whispered and walked to the door, slipping into a white bathrobe.

"You look better without it," she murmured and already missed how magical Wonhee looked in the light. She would have loved to paint it, only in shades of blue.

Following the shorter woman to the door, she wondered about what had kept her awake at night. Was it also her childhood friend? There had been so many concerns, how to get by, how to get food, how to stay alive. Most of her mind had been occupied with these questions when she lay in her spot to sleep and struggled to turn off her consciousness.

_She couldn't forget about you at night, not even now, so how is it comparable? _

"I'm still doing it now, aren't I? Keeping you from sleeping by being next to you."

Wonhee had disappeared from her sight before she entered the bedroom and saw the short woman pull a nightgown over her naked body.

“I invited you here. It’s not the right place for guilt.” Wonhee pointed at the bed and chuckled. “Lay down, I want to take care of your foot, this is giving me nightmares.”

"The blood?" she asked with a brief glance at the soiled and soaked gauze bandage. There was no need to wait for a reply as she lay down on the soft sheets and stretched out her legs. It felt unusual because she was mostly naked with only a towel around her shoulders that she didn't bother wrapping around herself. Dodo preferred to sleep undressed, but only rarely was she undressed in somebody else's bed.

“No,” Wonhee replied and went somewhere, returning with new bandages and some medical utensils. “You being in pain.” The woman kneeled at her legs and leaned forward, taking her foot and unwrapping the old bandage with careful motions before throwing it on the floor next to her and disinfecting her wound. The round eyes weren’t only focused on her foot, they travelled up her legs, slowly, almost like a touch. The gaze stopped on her face and slid back down, showing a switch of focus that she didn’t understand.

_Maybe she's also trying to see how much you changed? _

"I'm used to it," she replied and lifted on her elbows to see Wonhee better. The gown had a lace pattern right over the other woman's breasts, so she could still trace them with her eyes, finding the one mole she had loved so much because it resembled a heart. "I actually like it when it's a normal pain, something like a leg or an arm."

“Kinky,” Wonhee giggled, and started wrapping a new gauze bandage over her foot. “You were always the strong one. I thought about it and I don’t think I would be able to lay on your bed like that if our roles were reversed.”

"Why not?" she immediately asked back, struggling to understand. The two of them had never been timid next to each other and nakedness had only lost more of its mystery during her travels. It didn't matter whether one was naked or not, violence and hurtful behavior was the same. "Are you scared that I'm going to hurt you?"

The mere thought was unpleasant and made her swallow. Dodo had never considered herself somebody to be scared of. She preferred to protect and give others a feeling of safety, others that needed it more than she did.

“Because there are a lot of things you aren’t aware of. Of course, there is a possibility that you will hurt me, I managed to hold my ground for exactly two days, so there isn’t much hope for me. Especially when I look at you. Long enough.” Wonhee lifted her gaze after finishing taking care of her foot. Her round eyes took in her body once again, as the woman’s warm fingers slowly disappeared from her skin. “You seem the same, but the longer I think about this, it can’t be. I was so prepared to meet you again, be like a stone in a desert, the way I felt all those years, but looking at myself now, I’m not at all.”

"Do you think that is because I changed?" she answered and rested her weight on her hips as she placed her hands on the soft sheets. The towel slipped down from her shoulders, but she didn't need it anymore. "Do you think if I was my eighteen-year-old self, there would be nothing keeping you next to me?"

_Have you lost her already? _

“I don’t know, but I wasn’t enough for you back then, I wouldn’t be enough for you now, so why hurt each other if we can just pass each other by and act as if there wasn’t… anything.” Wonhee placed both palms on each side of her legs and pushed herself up, dark eyes looking intense in contrast to her pale cheeks.

"What makes you think that you weren't enough for me? You were the only person I cared about, Wonhee." She swallowed and got on her knees, crawling closer because it felt like the black-haired woman was moving away from her, both physically and figuratively. "I felt like I was suffocating in my own skin. Somehow leaving felt like the only way to change it. Sadly, I don't think it did."

_Because you haven't felt the need to paint yourself black ever since she allowed you to be close again._

“You are still suffocating? Next to me?” Wonhee whispered and she saw the brief tremble in the woman’s bottom lip, so familiar but at the same time controlled.

"No," she whispered, but the words felt so vulnerable, like she was opening her chest right where the cut was for the other woman to see. She held her breath for a few moments, feeling her lips tremble. "Everywhere but next to you."

There was genuine surprise on the round face and the expression reminded her so much of the Wonhee ten years ago, looking lost suddenly.

“But… but why?” The familiar voice was barely a whisper.

"I don't know." A tugging sensation accompanied her words as the sight of the familiar facial expression brought her back to before she left, when the two of them were sitting on a tree in the forest and Dodo explained why she felt school was a waste of time. Wonhee had also been surprised back then, but it was different now. She had reason back then, for disliking school and wanting to do something different. Now there was no answer to the question. "It's how I feel."

“I don’t understand it and it doesn’t make any sense to me at all. I am completely sure that you left because I couldn’t give you anything that would have made you stay. There have only been things that would have made you leave that you weren’t aware of and I struggled for such a long time because I thought I should’ve told you. But now… now you are…” Wonhee crawled onto the bed and sat back on her calves, watching her intently, wet hair partially hanging into the dark eyes. “You have been travelling around and drawing, doing the things you wanted to do. Why would I appear anywhere in that equation, Dodo?”

"Because you've always been the only person that mattered to me, the only one who really knows me." Those words were so easy to say, Dodo had thought them countless times, realizing that whatever she had shared with the shorter girl on their travels or whispers at night, it had been one of a kind. "You still are, even if ten years have passed."

She hated the distance because it didn't feel like them, so she reached out and wrapped her hand around Wonhee's upper arm, inviting her to come closer, to at least let their knees touch.

"I never left because of you. It's rather the opposite, you were the only one that was worth staying for, but I didn't know that. I thought I had to leave everything behind to be somebody else, even the person that I care about." Chuckling she covered her face for a few seconds to not get emotional. "Long story short, it didn't work. It only hurts."

“Why did you do it then? Why the fuck did you leave me then?” Wonhee leaned forward and grabbed her face with both palms, eyes reflecting the blue lights beautifully along with the silk gown that was a light blue too.

Her breaths hitched, and she instantly covered the woman's left palm with her own, feeling how hot it was in comparison.

"Because- there was this emptiness and no matter what I did, I couldn't fill it. No matter what I drew, how colorful I made everything around me, be it my walls, the ceiling, the tub in which we took a bath, none of it was fucking enough, Wonhee. It felt like I was a black hole, swallowing it all up. I thought I had to leave, abandon the system and be on my own, see something else and stop thinking about my own stories. I thought that if I left I could become art myself, someone that doesn't really exist, art without the artist. But it's not working. Too-" She gasped because she could feel herself getting emotional, hand shaking against the delicate one she was holding onto so firmly. "Too fucking much has happened and I still can't escape from my own stories, from the need to paint myself. I can't escape it, but you make it okay somehow. Why are you making it okay, Wonhee? How do you do that?"

“How do you manage to step over all boundaries and be so close after all those years? I think I’m going crazy.” Stroking over her face, neck and shoulders, Wonhee wrapped her arms around her, pulling her closer, rough exhales tickling her lips when she was close enough.

Suddenly Dodo had to think of the few kisses they shared back then, on the night before she left.

_She's the only one who's always been so close to you. Maybe that's what makes it right._

"I don't know," she replied and focused on the heartbeat that couldn't be her own, beating against her ribcage and so steady that she wanted to press her ear against it and listen. "Maybe I'm just a crazy bitch."

“No, you just have all the colors and I know it. I keep finding them and I can’t ignore it. It’s you no matter where you go and I’m me, unable to move on even though you were the one who left, and it’s been such a long time. I work with artists and I’ve studied so many different paintings and styles, but you… you are one of a kind, Dodo. The only thing that feels wrong about you is my attachment.” Exhaling sharply, Wonhee looked up, hiding her expression from her.

"It feels right to me."

She stroked over the other woman's wet hair and wondered about how easy it was. The two of them naturally fit together, Wonhee in her arms and with her delicate hands carefully touching her. The lace felt nice against her naked skin, partially covering her thighs and keeping her from feeling the soft breasts against her own. Wonhee had always been so tender, unlike her slim self.

"You're also one of a kind, Wonhee," she whispered and kissed one of the round, protruding ears, liking how easily she could find them under the short hair. They still felt the same. "There is nobody in this world that's closer to me. I didn't allow anybody to be, but you're right here, making me feel at home even though there is no place I belong."

“Did you say something similar ten years ago when I lay in your bed, right before you left? It feels like it. Or maybe it was something about me being soft.” Wonhee let go and let herself fall on the sheets, black hair spread over the pillow and stared at the ceiling that was painted black. “Maybe I just made it up to feel better. Who knows?”

"I didn't know how to make it better back then. I was scared that I couldn't do it if I let myself grieve, if I thought about what leaving really meant." She remembered it so well, the way she had embraced Wonhee in the hope of making it easier for herself. At first she hadn't even wanted to take something as a keepsake, but in the end she wasn't able to resist, taking the other girl's lock of hair. "I was so sure that you had so much aside from me, that you would forget and find a new friend, be close again and barely remember that I even existed. I imagined it at night while staring at the night sky, how you probably got married and started a career just like everybody expected you to."

Wonhee kept her gaze on the ceiling and chuckled. "I spent those years being in a relationship with your ghost and my toy collection. I'm not sure how to explain it to you. We are here in my bed ten years later and the way it pulls on my insides tells me exactly why I tried to act as if we don't know each other. It's because I feared this. I was scared that you would draw a cross over any line and dance over it and I wouldn't be able to do anything because that's the only thing I've been dreaming of all this time, lying in the blue light."

_But why is she so scared of it? Is it the fear of getting hurt again? _

Shifting, she climbed on top of the black-haired woman and placed her hands on each side of her beautiful face. It was important to have eye contact for what she wanted to know.

"If you could stop me, would you? Do you want me to stay away, to stop pulling you closer?" she asked and observed the almost black eyes and curved lips. Even now it looked like Wonhee was smiling because of the delicate curl of the corners of her mouth. She was really beautiful and lying on top of her, Dodo could easily tell how soft and warm she was, spreading goosebumps from the difference between their bodies: hot and cold.

A few seconds passed as Wonhee stared at her before she could make out the sensation of soft fingertips stroking along her sides. The stunning woman shook her head slowly. "I want you to stay," she whispered.

The throbbing in her chest must have been her heartbeat, pumping blood through her naked body to keep it warm, but it felt like it was a reaction to the whispered words.

"I will," she murmured and lay down next to Wonhee without letting go. Pulling her childhood friend closer, she arranged their bodies the way they had been back then. There were some changes, but it still felt right. Wonhee was soft like a cloud and the hot breaths against her collarbones were calming.

Wonhee touched her shoulder and let her hand draw the curve of her hips, before pulling a thick blanket over them. "You're cold," she whispered against her collarbones, hot lips sending shivers down her spine. "Do you want to stay?"

She hummed in reply and entangled their legs, loving how smooth Wonhee felt in comparison. There was so much about the other woman that Dodo considered admirable, be it her body or the affection she was able to show. Even when she was hurt.

_You hurt her, but still she's opening up like this next to you._

Back then, her best friend would have reprimanded her for wanting to sleep before brushing her teeth, but their embrace was something she didn't want to break.

Inhaling the sweet scent of the black strands, she let her eyes flutter shut and wondered when her heart would finally calm down instead of hammering against her chest.

_

Her eyes opened suddenly and with the same extensive awareness that she suffered from each morning. It must have become a habit after being unsure whether she was safe during her time of rest.

_Your body doesn't care whether the danger is over, but it felt safe while falling asleep. _

Dodo glanced around as her breaths sped up and observed a pitch-black ceiling, trying to recognize something, anything on it. It wasn't possible, it resembled the same absorbing black that she liked to use in her artworks.

_She must have left._

The side of the bed next to her was cold and the blanket was mostly wrapped around her, probably to keep her warm. The fabric felt good against her naked skin, so she stayed for a little longer, wondering if she was even surprised that Wonhee left for work without waking her up or saying a word. Back then her best friend had always loved to leave messages or kissed her cheek, wrongly believing that it didn't wake her up.

_Maybe she knows by now. Or doesn't want to._

Finally lifting her body off the mattress, she placed her feet on the floor. At first, she didn't care about the wound on her foot, but the care with which the other woman had wrapped it made her reconsider. Careful to keep most of her weight on her healthy foot, she glanced around the bedroom, curious how much Wonhee had changed over the years.

At first, she made her way towards the drawers next to the bed, opening them and glancing inside. A lot of it was lingerie, beautiful and made of quality fabric. Dodo only touched one piece briefly because she was curious before closing the drawer again.

It felt strange to be in the other woman's apartment because it wasn't the way she remembered it. Wonhee's parents had never paid much attention to design, but each piece of furniture was placed right where it belonged. Everything was of high quality and it was obvious that her childhood friend was beyond successful, earning much more than was necessary for a living.

_Your situations changed so much, flipped around._

She smiled because Wonhee deserved it, she deserved it all. Even though the black-haired woman was convinced that she didn't fit in, her achievements told Dodo a different story. One in which Wonhee made the world her own, achieved her goals and continued to reach new ones.

_It's so nice._

Sighing, she made her way to the big wardrobe made of some dark wood and opened the middle door, eyes instantly settling on many dresses and business outfits, elegant shoes standing on the bottom shelf.

_Her attire also changed so much._

Reaching out, she let her fingers travel along the dresses on the hangers, enjoying the soft feel. Wonhee must look gorgeous in each of those.

Her head quickly supplied her with images of the black-haired woman's curves. She knew them better now. Her childhood memories weren't complete and seeing Wonhee in the blue light made it easier to imagine her wearing all those expensive clothes, being her strong and confident self.

She briefly considered putting one of the dresses over her own slim body, but she doubted that she could fill out the fabric sufficiently. There was a reason for a man calling her too much of a boy before, apart from her long hair.

Sighing at her own pointless ideas, she opened the other door of the wardrobe. This part was mostly filled with drawers and the one she opened was decorated with red velour and jewelry that was arranged on top of it. Again, it looked expensive and Dodo didn't bother touching it this time. The next drawer was filled with underwear, also on red velour. There was a difference though, the lingerie in the drawers next to the bed didn't include jewelry elements whereas this underwear was mostly pearls.

_This is beautiful, especially on her hips. _

She lifted one of the pieces out and examined it, curious how it closed and whether it was comfortable to wear. It seemed stimulating somehow and Dodo couldn't afford being even wetter than she was on a general basis.

_You'd just soak your underwear, or pearls in this case._

Wonhee must have changed sufficiently to make it impossible for Dodo to predict what she was going to find. There was only one last drawer left, the biggest one and she opened it after closing the one with pearl underwear.

Lined with red velour, the space was covered with different objects. First, she didn't understand what the drawer was about, only glancing at leather handcuffs and something that looked like random straps with pearls, before her gaze travelled further, stopping at beads in different sizes that were made from shiny metal. Next to it, the space was covered by some other toys, long and shorter, in the shape of dicks, or just smooth, mostly black or silver, in different sizes. Some of them had buttons and seemed to require batteries.

_Toys, these must be her toys._

Her eyes widened a little, simply because when Wonhee was speaking of using toys, she had expected a few objects in phallic form, but not to this extent.

Dodo wasn't stupid, she knew about the existence of toys and in some high-end brothels those were part of the show, but she had never had any experience herself. There had never been a need for it if she was able to find a man that naturally had something with the same function attached to his groin.

Curious, she took one of the dick-sized toys to see how heavy it was and how it felt in her hand. Some were about the average dick size, others thicker and possibly better at doing their job. She couldn't really imagine using one, simply because it would be distracting to constantly use her hand. It was better when the dick moved by itself and she could stop thinking.

_You really need the stop thinking bit._

Looking at a few other toys that seemed to be electronic, she finally closed the wardrobe and decided to get ready for her day. It felt strange that she didn't have to make a living before taking her paint and having time for art, but since she came to London there was only art and Wonhee.

The smell of coffee was in the air and led her to the kitchen. Wonhee had prepared it in a cup that kept the temperature and Dodo instantly took a sip, enjoying the taste of it.

The whole apartment was kept in minimalistic design and there was only a single picture that she had seen of the black-haired woman, one that included Dior.

_Her life must have changed so much, you're the only one that kept all those keepsakes around._

A glance at the table with the cup revealed a short message, 'Do you still drink it black? I don't know…' it said. She smiled because that was also something that hadn't changed, coffee had to be black, just like the paint and the ceilings in Wonhee's apartment.

_Back then, she wrote you long messages, always concerned whether you would eat enough or do something stupid. _

The messages hadn't helped back then, Dodo still did stupid things, so maybe her childhood friend had given up on her.

Emptying the coffee as quickly as she was able to, she brushed her teeth in the bathroom and began to explore the apartment. The furniture felt good under her fingertips and the living room had the most personal objects, piles of books about art. It was exactly what Dodo had tried to escape back then, the idea that she would be forced into the rules of such a book and wouldn't be able to break out, creating her own style.

_You were simply terrified of fading into nothing, losing the last bit of self you were holding onto._

She loved the arrangement of the books because they were sorted according to a color scheme, evoking different emotions depending on where she looked on the shelves. Only a part in the bottom seemed off, with a book not quite belonging to the rest.

_Why would she put it there? _

Stepping closer, Dodo pulled it out and observed the cover. It was a journal. Chewing on her cheek, she opened the first page and examined the contents, curious about why a journal was among art books. The entries were short notes from what seemed like Wonhee's time in college. How she got the best presentation, or an award, mostly achievements that seemed to hold some value.

_She's always been incredibly smart. _

Dodo smiled, unable to help it and felt proud reading through it, realizing how well Wonhee had been doing. Just as she had expected, her best friend had been fighting for her goals and got further than she would have been able to with her distracting her and tugging her along for her dangerous ideas.

_She made it this far without you next to her, but still you want to be around._

A knot formed in her throat and didn't let itself be swallowed down, remaining in place like a reminder that she was building herself a place in the middle of somebody's established life. A life without her.

Fumbling with the journal to distract herself, her fingers stopped at a piece of paper that was stuck in between the pages, a photograph. Wonhee's long hair was the first thing that caught her attention, reaching past her breasts and the beautiful girl even had her necessary hair tie around her wrist. The girl was holding onto her waist, thin arms wrapped around her and round face lit up in a breathtakingly beautiful smile. She was standing in Wonhee's embrace, black dress and green socks. Her cheeks were all over the place as she was grinning brightly, so unlike her now.

_So much has changed, but still it feels right._

The knot got only thicker and she closed her eyes for a few seconds, attempting to imagine the same smile on the Wonhee she had met now, the Wonhee with short hair and expensive clothes. Not a single time had she seen that smile.

_You changed too, because you hoped for so much more when you left._

Wonhee might have reached her goals, achieving what she hoped for, but what was the cost if the gorgeous smile that had been brighter than the white dots on Dodo's ceiling disappeared?

Her hands trembled as she put the photograph back and slipped the journal in between the two books of a different color scheme. She couldn't just let it be, she wouldn't be herself if the sensation remained inside of her chest without fighting its way out.

Dodo had never been able to keep anything within herself, it always drained out, either because she couldn't keep it or because she couldn't bear to.

She hurried to the paint they left in the hallway after arriving and carried it to the bedroom, almost forgetting about her foot until a sudden burst of pain moved up her leg and reminded her. Kneeling on the floor, she mixed some of the basic colors she had until the single dot that she drew on the floor with a brush already reminded her of the tone of Wonhee's skin.

_You have to paint it, or it feels like it might disappear forever._

Dodo rarely recreated things, that's why she couldn’t do it now either. The scene that she painted on the black-haired woman's bedroom floor wasn't the photograph from a few moments ago, it was a memory of hers, an intimate one. The two of them had been lying in bed back then and she told Wonhee about her feelings of worthlessness for the first time, about the thoughts that no matter what she created, it wasn't good enough.

Her childhood friend had shaken her head back then, smiling at her with that soft expression that still gave her goosebumps whenever she thought back.

Dodo painted them the way she remembered it, arms wrapped around each other and blanket only covering their hips because it had been hot back then. Wonhee's hands were mostly curled up whereas her own always had the fingers spread. She liked to feel everything, to be aware of the softness that was the other girl's body and facial features.

Her hands were trembling in the middle of it, forcing her to stop and take a few deep breaths. It was only a memory, something that mattered to her, so why did the lack of a smile on those curved lips give her so much grief? Was it because she was the source of it?

Because there was no chance to see it again, just like she could neither return the Dodo from back then nor be an entirely different person, a work of art.

Her brush finished the breathtaking line of Wonhee's lips and she lay down right next to the completed piece. Her body was still bare, only her foot was covered by a gauze bandage, but it didn't matter.

Eyes fixed on the black ceiling, she couldn't help but wish that there was something, anything she could do to bring that smile back. Even if it meant that it wouldn't be hers to keep.

***

Could she split night and day the way she had done it before, when the person who had been the reason for doing it returned, wrapping around her and making her weak? Could she really pretend that nothing had happened between them? That the careful touches in the shower, her gaze that stroked the sandy skin, traveling over it and exploring it as if it was the first time, were unreal, because they happened in the night, when no-one was around to see and judge them under the blue light?

_You are the only one to judge._

It was bullshit and the whole thing couldn't work out, not like that. Dodo wanted to get to know her, to become 'the artist friend'. At least that's what the tall woman said, but her touches, the warm kisses that she could still feel on her shoulders and the way the big brown eyes focused on her told a different story. A story she didn’t want to hear. Not now.

Independent of what her ex-best friend wanted, the main question was, what did she want? Friendship? Wonhee already had a friend, a best friend. Dior. She didn't need more, and it had always been hard work, as she rarely opened up and the people didn’t stay long enough to become friends. Rather the first, if she was honest.

_She still doesn't know how you felt about her back then._

Her lungs clenched, and she sucked in a desperate breath, still imagining vividly how she had walked down the hill barefoot, chest burning and tears threatening to choke her. Wonhee didn't want anything that went beyond friendship either. The feelings from the past remained buried somewhere in that bed ten years ago. She wasn't in love now. Instead of the overwhelming sensation of intimacy and proximity, the gentle care and affection that she felt when she thought about the brown-haired girl, she felt hurt. It just hurt.

_You don't love her, but why are you getting weak? Why do you let her touch you and tremble in response? Is it because she is beautiful? You are not someone who is easily affected by a gorgeous body and a pretty face. You need the colors to feel close, to know that it matters. To create meaning and share it._

It was hard to understand, and her own lack of awareness drove her mad. For her, there had always been a reason for everything. Her situation now was without. She didn’t understand herself and she didn’t understand Dodo.

_Because there is no reason for her to want you and there is no reason for you to want her either. Not after all these years, after you lost the last bit of color and she became a palette with a thousand more. You just moved further away from each other, even further than you were ten years ago. _

_There is no reason._

_

She was wearing the colorful Versace dress that her best friend gave her for her birthday, perfectly aware that she tried compensating for her lack of color by wearing extensively colorful clothes. Dior liked it, she said that the pattern suited her. She stepped into the elevator and pressed the button with the number 11 written on it while staring at her reflection in the mirrored wall across.

Wonhee had been busy lately and their get-togethers were rare. She felt guilty when the door opened, and the slightly judgmental gaze passed over her body and stopped on the hint of a smile that was on her lips thanks to Dior. She was gorgeous in her black nightgown, wasting precisely zero thoughts on whether it was appropriate that her nipples were sticking out when she leaned to the side. Wonhee loved it.

“I missed your nipples,” she murmured and waved with the bottle of Whisky in front of her friend’s face, stepping inside and removing the shoes from her feet. “I thought we should stay inside today. It’s raining like a bitch. I don’t know how I survived without being completely soaked.” Smalltalk was the worst, but she couldn’t just start with an apology, especially since she didn’t know what she was apologizing for.

“You’re an asshole for just letting me serve that entitled bitch. If I had known that it was her, I wouldn’t have brought her from Brazil. She should have stayed there and drawn prostitutes in the brothel quarter. Why can’t I do one thing right?” Dior apparently didn’t share her opinion and ripped the bottle out of her hands, turning around and walking down the hallway, round hips waving from one side to the other effortlessly while the brown locks swung along with every movement.

Elegance. She was elegance.

_Your friends always have something that you don’t, be it colors or effortless elegance. You are greedy, watching them and hoping that it will give you something that you lack, but it simply reminds you that you’re lacking._

She sighed because she knew that it wasn’t true. With Dodo, she always supported the tall girl in anything she wanted to do and enjoyed their intimacy, their touches, their nights out, the days that they spent in bed, their relationship, their friendship that wasn’t one. How could she have called it a friendship if Dodo had been everything to her? And now, there was no friendship and no relationship, no love and there should have been no struggles. Only the remaining memories of intimacy that still lingered under the surface and appeared when it was night, when she slipped out of her Iron Man suit and was vulnerable, letting herself go under the blue light in the arms of the person she had longed for every time she closed her eyes. Her inability to move on and the presence of the person she missed and once loved: an unlucky combination. That’s what it was.

“I know that you don’t want to hear it, but please drink some whisky and let me tell you about her, so you can understand it better. Her and me.” She sighed and let herself fall on the couch, feet placed on the armrest. “You wanted me to talk and I will talk today, but I need a drink because I can’t be sober when I go down the stairs to the dark place.” Wonhee winked, acting as if it was a joke, even though it wasn’t.

Dior sat in the black leather chair and crossed her legs, head tilted to the side. She had legs for days, beautiful breasts that filled out the black silk, showing the outline of her uneven nipples that were perfect. All in all, Wonhee was gay. With Dior there was no escape, one was attracted, independent of what one preferred, whether one was even remotely interested in anything sexual or not. It didn’t matter. If somebody met Dior, they were Dior-sexual.

Maybe that was one of the reasons why they have never managed to be close. Wonhee thought that she couldn’t do her justice and the way her best friend had reached for her while being in a very bad place mental health wise, made her understand that there was no way for them to work. She was unable to move on, to give the gorgeous woman what she deserved, and Dior had been weak back then, unaware of the fact that Wonhee wasn’t much. In that way, they developed what was the best for both of them. At least that’s how Wonhee liked to think.

“You know that you are obvious, right? Is that how you flirt, baby girl? Stop it immediately and cut to the chase.” Blinking unevenly, one of the features that she liked most, Dior leaned forward, giving her the full sight of her gorgeous boobs and pulled off the lid from the whisky bottle using her teeth. How the other woman managed to look elegant while doing that was a mystery, but the flow in her motions returned when she poured the brown liquid in two tumblers, handing one to her with a gaze intense and worried at the same time. “You make me nervous because I don’t know what you will say. Because there are things I don’t know. I’m scared and nervous. I hate that Wonhee. In BDSM play there is always a plan, I know roughly what will happen and if something unusual happens I can call Shownu to help me. Nobody is here to help me and you look as if it’s serious. I don’t want to be scared.”

“Blink if you are ready for a lot of emotional mess that I probably won’t be able to explain because I myself am not sure what the fuck is happening at the moment.” She turned to her friend and sat up, leaning forward and cupping Dior’s breathtakingly beautiful face. “I’m sorry for making you nervous. It’s about my past that I thought I didn’t need to share in detail because I thought there was no way for it to intertwine with how I function in the here and now, but she appeared. You found her and I think I have to talk about it now.” Wonhee stroked along the woman’s smooth cheek and leaned back, taking the tumbler and emptying it all at once. The burning in her throat felt good and after a few deep breaths she felt ready to unpack the tightly closed up box of memories.

“I’m ready, just don’t leave me,” Dior whispered and for the first time since a long time, she could see that her best friend was genuinely scared and vulnerable.

_That’s why you got close. You understand her feelings so well._

“I would never,” she whispered in reply. “Because I know how it feels to be left behind.”

Her eyes fluttered shut and she sunk into the soft couch before glancing at the ceiling. It was white.

“Ten years ago, my best friend left me. It sounds dramatic and cheesy, but for me it was the end of the world. I told you that that friend went to pursue her own happiness and left me behind and you sometimes saw what it did to me, you saw the changed me and asked me what it was that made me feel so much pain. Well, I loved her. She was the first and the only person I have ever loved, Dior. She doesn’t know, she also doesn’t really care, I guess, but for me it was like the worst breakup one could ever experience. One that she wasn’t aware of and one that I only became aware of when I realized what I lost and that there was no way to contact her. That she decided to cut everything off and disappear, just like that. When I opened my eyes, I cried and when I closed my eyes I cried too, I can’t trust and I can’t love because everything I think or do next to another person is set in comparison with the intimacy we had, the touches we shared and the thoughts. I kissed her back then, before she left, and she told me that I was curious. I wasn’t. I was in love.” The words were so hard, every single syllable felt like lead on her tongue, but she forced herself to continue. “I should be okay after ten years, right? But I’m not. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not in love with her, for that we are too far away from each other. I don’t know her, and she doesn’t know me, but the moment I saw her… fuck, she exploded in a thousand colors right into my face, reminding me how bright she had been, how much she gained while being away from me, while I… I think there might have been something that she liked about me back then, but I’m sure I’ve lost that too. I was busy mourning her departure while she grew, and her flowers bloomed despite the cuts while I made my own fade.” The tears rolled down her cheeks as she still stared at the ceiling. She wished it was black.

“We had this talk. You know that you have reached so many things and are competent and amazing at what you do. You help so many people and fight for those who can’t. Why would you need a girl who became a street artist in Rio? You don’t need her, and you don’t need to be reminded of anything either. She left, and it makes her the fucking idiot, Wonhee, because she could’ve grown next to you or at least kept in contact, but she decided to cut it, cutting off her own limb in the end. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know her, and I don’t really care about her, especially now that I know that she’s the reason for your misery, but you might consider cutting off contact with her to protect yourself from getting hurt. It’s valid and I would be the first to support you.” Dior’s weight didn’t settle next to her and it was the same as always. They were close and could talk about everything, but there was a hesitation when it came to the combination between physical and emotional intimacy. Dior could hug her naked and laugh loudly, or dry her tears, but there was never both at the same time. Not like with Dodo.

_Now you even compare your best friend. You’re an asshole._

“You say that I don’t need her, but I do. I need her for my project. She is the only one who can do it, Dior, believe me. I need her to paint everything at that place. But… there is a problem with that. You know, the ‘art without the artist’? She can’t do that. There is her in every piece she creates and that’s what makes it special. I can’t stay away from her because it turns black. Everything turns black, as if she is drawing my insides for me to see. She goes around and paints everything black, herself, me, the floors. I need to move on somehow, but I don’t know how to do it. I spent so many years silently waiting for her to return and tell me why she left me, but she simply returned and didn’t need to say anything because I could see. I could see what she became without me and there is nothing I can say, Dior. She is devastated, vulnerable, joyful, distracted, all in a thousand colors I could never make up by myself. A masterpiece.”

_Your favorite one._

Dior didn’t say anything to that and drank her whisky, before pouring them a second round.

“I don’t understand it, Wonhee. You say you don’t love her, but you talk about her person, not about her art. You say she is the art, but she can’t paint your project with herself. Just let her do her job and stay away.”

“Oh, she will paint it with herself,” she replied and chuckled, gulping down the burning liquid. “She wants to get to know me again. But there is nothing I can show her.”

“I hate her,” her best friend whispered. “Are you sure that it’s a good idea that you are letting her do this to you? Look at yourself, you are so strong, I don’t understand. If it’s about self-esteem, then let me tell you that other people ain’t shit and you can’t rely on them to determine your worth. I wish more people were like you, Wonhee. That bitch probably doesn’t even know that you’re a shadow of yourself when you talk about her. It’s the worst. She’s straight too. Like, how bad can it be? And she still manages to make it worse. Don’t do this to yourself, Wonhee. Try to concentrate on the project, you need the last step before you can do it and you need to be strong! I will cheer you on instead of sucking out your energy, so please treat yourself and don’t let her anywhere close."

She chuckled and sat up, drinking a few gulps from the bottle.

“You know me,” Wonhee murmured, standing up and moving towards the hallway. “You know me, Dior, and you know what I do when I like a piece of art.”

“I know. You obsess about all its details until you can be sure that you’ve seen everything,” she heard her best friend’s resigned voice when she slipped in her shoes and walked out, getting a cab on the way down and riding back home in complete silence.

The hallway looked the same and it surprised her, even though she didn’t expect it to look any different, but the fact that the brown-haired artist has been inside her apartment without her presence gave off the feeling that something must have happened. After checking the kitchen and living room, Wonhee relaxed and pulled her dress up, throwing it into the laundry basket and walking into her bedroom, naked feet making almost no sound and looking so prettily blue in the night lights. A feeling that something wasn’t right hit her right out of nowhere and she stopped, breathing heavily and looking around. After a few seconds she recognized something that hadn’t been there before. When she came closer it turned out to be a painting, right on the dark wooden floors next to the right side of the bed, that she never used.

_It was her._

Kneeling next to it, Wonhee brushed over it with her finger, only to find that it was dry.

_You want to know._

It was big, almost the size of her body and she had to lift up on her feet again to look at it from above, only to find her own features, her breasts and the outlines of her tattoo on her left side of the rib. Long hair and puffy cheeks told her that it must have been her ten years ago, smiling at someone who was supposed to be laying beside her. She knew because there were bony hands around her waist and there was only one person she could smile at that way.

_She thinks about the way you were ten years ago._

A painful knot formed in her throat and she didn’t know how long she stayed on the same spot, staring at the painting that made her feel like a failure. Nothing about it was her anymore.

_You have to tell her. She said she missed you._

There was nothing left from her apart from the ability to cry and feel pain.

Pulling the colorful dress over her body, she felt stupid, but maybe it was good for what she was trying to do. Taking her bag, she called a cab and told the driver the address. She sat in the backseat and stared at the buildings that soaked in the rain while she rushed past them, asking herself whether that’s how life had felt like to her, while Dodo experienced all kinds of things that made her grow and become the woman she was now.

Wonhee was tipsy and unfamiliar with the place, but she still had Dior’s message with the room number, and the hotels were all the same, weren't they? She didn’t plan on staying long. There was the one thing she needed to make sure of and then she could go back to life without color that she had gotten used to.

The way her knock echoed in the broad hallway seemed alien to her, but maybe it was her going crazy, imagining paintings of herself on her floor and knocking on other people’s hotel rooms in the middle of the night after drinking three glasses of whisky.

_New milestone of being pathetic. _

It was quiet on the other side of the door until she heard the squeaking of a bed and naked feet on wooden floors, making their way towards her. The Dodo that she knew would have opened the door immediately while looking nonchalant and unimpressed by her sudden appearance, but that didn't happen. Instead the slit in the door got wider and big brown eyes peeked through it, observing her for a few seconds until it finally opened enough to reveal the artist, only dressed in a pair of panties and with black paint all over her legs.

"Come in," Dodo whispered, but it was easy to tell that she hadn't expected her.

The sight was distracting, but it wasn't what she came for, so she focused her gaze on the way her feet looked when she stepped inside and closed the door, leaning against it before staring at the tall woman.

"The person you drew on my bedroom floor," she whispered, bottom lip trembling even though she felt so determined when she took the cab. "She doesn't exist."

Dodo observed her for a few moments before making her way to the minibar and filling a glass of water, holding it out to her.

"I know," the low voice replied eventually as the brown-haired woman looked down at her slim feet. The bandage was gone. "Just like the person that was lying across from you doesn't exist anymore."

"She exists. Only in brighter." Wonhee emptied the glass and held it in her hand, unsure what to do with it. "I think you don't understand. There's nothing left."

"There's still the essence of you, even if you don't think there is." Dodo took the glass from her and placed it on a small table before making her way to the big bed in the center of the hotel room and sitting down at the edge. "That's the sad thing, even when we think we are able to escape ourselves, in the end we're caught like flies."

Throwing her head back, the tall woman stared at the ceiling while the tiny lamp on her bedside table threw shadows over her golden skin. Dodo had purposefully directed it downwards, as if she wanted the light to be at her feet instead of her body. "I painted the you from back then because of your smile. I know that it is gone because of me."

She didn't come to give the person who had been dear to her the blame for the way she dealt with her departure, she only wanted to make sure that Dodo knew that she wasn't Wonhee from ten years ago, and even back then it had been deception because she was the one in love.

"This is not about blame. It's about me making sure that you understand that the things you miss aren't here. Aren't… me." Pushing herself off the door, she stepped closer, trying to catch the brown eyes to make sure that Dodo listened.

"Then why do you make me feel this way, Wonhee?" The brown-haired woman finally lowered her gaze, meeting hers as long fingers held onto the sheets. "I don't know if you are still the person from back then or somebody else, but you are the one who makes me feel like this."

_You're not._

Sighing, she finally decided to sit next to the brown-haired woman after staring at the spot for a few seconds.

"It's not me, Dodo. It's the memories, but even those… are not accurate because there are things you don't know, things I have never managed to tell you."

"But how would those things you never told me change my memories? It's in the past and I cannot change it anymore. I can only change the here and now by telling you that I want to be close to you, as much as you allow me to be." Warmth slipped over her thigh as Dodo reached out and placed her big palm on top of it.

It seemed as if there was no way she could explain without telling the truth. Inhaling deeply, she relied on the whisky in her veins to save her and turned to the side, gaze settling on the other woman's big, attentive eyes.

"Let me just say it briefly for you to understand and then we can forget it again because it's not relevant to the here and now. Back when you told me that you wanted to leave, I asked you whether you wanted to break up with me. You said there can be no breakup when there is no relationship. It wasn’t true. At least not for me. When I kissed you back then you said that I was curious, I wasn't. It was the moment when I finally realized that I felt so much towards you that it couldn't have been platonic. I was in love with you, Dodo. You were the first person I've ever loved, but I couldn't tell you because I wasn't ready that night and after that you were gone. Later I understood that the breakup was for me. Because for me there was something that broke whereas for you there wasn't. Do you understand what I'm saying? I loved you and it took ages for me to remotely be able to move on. You want to be 'the artist friend'? Sure, but I'm shit at friendships, as our previous experience shows."

It was silent as the fingers tightened around her thigh and those big brown eyes lifted to stare at her, widened in surprise.

"I'm sorry," the familiar voice whispered eventually as Dodo blinked a few times and stared at her own naked legs, covered in thick black lines. "I- I didn't know. I didn't even suspect it in any way. I thought you were missing the intimacy the way I was but seeing that you met Dior felt like you must have found a way to close the empty space. I… wanted to be the artist friend because I thought that was the maximum space you could spare me in your life."

_Now she's sorry. The worst. _

"Okay, listen, this is not a straight pity party for your lesbian friend. My feelings are nothing to be sorry about. I'm sorry for not understanding it earlier and for not telling you because then you might have moved on quicker. I hope it's enough for you to understand. Now you'll get all awkward even though I said it in past tense, but at least we won't have any more misunderstandings. Dior is just a friend. My best friend." Wonhee exhaled sharply and prepared to get up. It seemed as if the trip paid off, even though she felt like dying. But maybe it was better to die once than a thousand times.

Dodo jerked at her last words, at the emphasis that Dior was her best friend whereas whatever had been between them back then was something different. It was different. But the brown-haired woman didn't know that for her she had been everything. Her love, her best friend and her colors. Nothing was ever able to compare.

A deep breath sounded through the room until the tall woman suddenly reached for her wrist and tugged lightly, attempting to keep her next to her. The soft brown hair brushed over her neck as Dodo leaned to the side and rested her head on her shoulder.

"You make it sound like your sexuality would be a reason to let go of you."

"It isn't? You wouldn't be the first one. I was ready because the apologies and the awkwardness are what comes first and then one usually knows." Wonhee stayed on the spot, unsure what to do with herself. Now she was the awkward one.

"I apologized for not knowing and hurting you, but that doesn't change the fact that I care about you and want you next to me." Warm lips pressed against her cheek, brief but plump as she remembered them. "I don't want to be awkward next to you, because you're the only person that I feel at ease with. Your sexuality doesn't change that. Only... your wish to stay away from me would make a difference."

"I'm not sure this is even possible," she whispered, turning to the side. "What hurt me wasn't that I loved you and you didn't know. It was the fact that you left without a trace. I only found out what I lost when I looked into the void." Sighing quietly, Wonhee looked up. "But why would you want me next to you, Dodo? You're perfect like this."

"That's bullshit." The tall woman next to her pulled her long legs on top of the mattress and wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling her closer. "I'm not perfect. Perfection involves being stable and dealing with who you are instead of trying to get rid of it for years, Wonhee. I want you next to me, because I found out what I lost after creating the void. I made it all by my fucking self and thought drowning in it was exactly what I needed to stop feeling like a drain. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I've just been next to you for a few days, but you only need to sit next to me for me to feel like it's okay to wash off the color. How am I supposed to stay away from you if you're the only one who knows me? You're the only one who calls me Dodo. I haven't heard that name in years."

"Stability can never become perfection, you fool, and perfection doesn't exist," Wonhee murmured and curled her arms around the other woman, pulling her closer despite her previous attempts to create distance with her words. "You're a work of art."

"I wish." Dodo sighed and brushed through her black hair, playing with it like she did with her own by wrapping a strand around her index finger. "I'm a fucking mess and you were my only friend. My only friend that I left behind because I thought I needed to let go of my needs and support system to become somebody else."

"You're still Dodo. Just more colorful. I have no idea how I'm supposed to stay away from you, you tell me the strategy. Nothing is working." Wonhee leaned in and sucked in the scent of the flowery shampoo. She was tipsy, and it was showing.

"That's what I never understood." She could feel Dodo smile against the skin of her cheek before another kiss was pressed to it while the brown-haired woman leaned back on the bed, taking her along. "You're the only one who thinks that I am colorful even though I only put it on walls and myself, scream it out instead of words. It drains quickly, as quickly as it dries." The artist stroked over the black paint on her calves.

"I'm not thinking that, I can see it. But you need a magnifying glass and an eye to be able to. Most people can't. They have no idea about colors, but I do, because I'm colorless. Maybe it was one of the reasons why it hurt so much when you left." Looking down at the small face, Wonhee swallowed, overwhelmed and definitely tipsy. "Whatever it is, you're one gorgeous crazy bitch."

"So are you," Dodo whispered and kept stroking over her hair as one slim thigh slipped in between her own. "How can you think you are colorless when you make me paint in every color of the rainbow? My whole ceiling back in Stockholm was covered in associations related to you. All women I paint have elements of your body and face. You're fucking everywhere, Wonhee. And now you're finally next to me."

"I'm grown up now and I studied your works for a long time. I'm pretty sure that it's your way of seeing the world, it doesn't have anything to do with me, but I like it. You don't need to give me compliments. You left for a reason and you're here for a reason, I'm the one who doesn't have any and is lying on top of you." Wonhee lifted her eyebrows, but mostly at herself, wondering what was wrong with her.

"You told me I'm gorgeous," Dodo remarked and chuckled before licking over her ear suddenly. "But aside from that you come to me for a reason too, don't you? There is something to being close, it feels safe to me, like I don't have to listen for danger or fear for my life when I wake up. I never manage to fall asleep, but yesterday I did, just like that. I don't know if you feel the same, but that's how it feels to me."

"What are you, a dog?" She wiped over the shell of her ear and brushed back a few strands, letting Dodo carry some of her weight for a moment. "It was hard to fall asleep, but I struggle for different reasons than you. I don't know why I come to you. Today I came to make sure we don't need to meet anymore as there's nothing left from what you might miss. But look at me."

_You can't even explain it to yourself. _

"The feeling of safety is still there and I only have it next to you." Dodo lifted her head to look at her properly, eyes reflecting some of the lamp light even though it was directed at the floor. "Maybe back then I didn't need it as much as I do today. After all, I'm not the same, but unfortunately I'm still Dodo."

"You're art and I want to look closer, to see all the details. I guess that's it." Wonhee rolled to the side and stared at the other woman's mostly naked body. She was too attractive for her own good.

"Feel free." Dodo smiled and brushed her long hair away from her chest. "I'm not art, just a human with scars, but I'm trying to get there. You look like a goddess in comparison, the way I always imagined a woman to be. Of course, they are different, but you are my ideal. I think that's why I like to draw you."

"Shh," Wonhee pressed her finger against Dodo's plump lips and shushed her. "That's not your area of competence. I decide whether you're art or not. I told you my judgment and I accept no discussion."

Instead of listening to her, Dodo licked over her finger and climbed on top of her, long brown hair covering her face until the slim woman tried to get it out of the way with one hand.

"I like the way you observe, it makes my skin tingle."

The words had an effect. She focused on the sandy tone of Dodo's body, travelling from the slim thighs to her waist and small breasts with tiny dark nipples.

"Because you're stunning," she murmured, feeling how heat spread in her cheeks.

_Great._

"Most guys think I look too much like a boy, but a hole is a hole and I have long hair." Shrugging like it was meaningless, Dodo leaned in and kissed her forehead before sitting up again, one hand still holding her hair. "Also, I apparently feel good because my hips are narrow, and they can lie to themselves that they are big, but I don't care as long as I orgasm."

"Men ain't shit," she murmured and massaged her temples, trying to come up with a decent and easy explanation of what was wrong with all those things the brown-haired woman just said. "You're not a hole and you don't need a guy to orgasm. I mean if you enjoy it, sure feel free, but I would have pushed my heel into their tongue if they had said something like that to me."

"My point was that it's easy to get one even if I look like this." Gesturing along her slim body briefly, Dodo sighed and lay down next to her, pulling her flush by the grip around her waist. "But unfortunately, I do need a guy to orgasm. That's probably the only reason I'm not terrified of them."

"Okay, listen girl, in modern civilization there is nothing, I repeat, nothing a man can do that can't be substituted by a cleaner, more effective and less stressful version. And regarding your looks, just trust this lesbian here, you are extremely attractive. And I've seen many women naked. All of them are beautiful in their own way, but you have all the colors and that makes you shine from the inside."

"Shit, don't say stuff like that and expect me to be okay." Dodo's eyes widened, and she held her breath, as if she was genuinely fighting an immediate emotional response. "Okay- you're talking about the fake dicks in your wardrobe, aren't you? That stuff might be common here, but where I was living a cucumber was the max you could get and that doesn't do it for me."

_Oh god._

"I see you looked around. Which one did you touch? I need to disinfect it again." Wonhee lifted one eyebrow. "It's not fake dicks, it's toys. I personally don't prefer a lot of penetration, but I do have partners who like it, so everything goes. And believe me, they enjoy it. A lot."

_Why would you talk about your partners? _

"Anyway, to get off, a woman doesn't need a man and never will need one. End of discussion. But please feel free to do whatever you like my fabulous straight artist friend."

Dodo listened intently before chewing on her cheek and shaking her head. "You mean a woman without issues. But it's funny how you are still the more experienced one when it comes to things like these. I didn't even know what a real dick looked like and the only lips I touched were yours when I left. I'm stuck with needing the stuff I had when I first orgasmed to feel it again."

"No, I mean any woman, Dodo. You don't need a man to feel good. You don't need anybody to make yourself feel good, but you might need a little practice if you like penetration." Suddenly she registered the woman's words and stared at her, deadpan. "Wait, are you telling me that I was your first kiss?"

"Yeah," Dodo muttered and slipped her thigh between hers again, as if it was an appropriate time to do that. "I never cared about guys, so there was nobody to kiss. Also, they all wanted your number and thought I was crazy, so I had my peace."

_Idiots. _

"Oh god, I would've kissed you properly if I had known," she murmured, feeling stupid for not knowing that her best friend from back then had never kissed anybody apart from her. "I just assumed you didn't tell me."

"I told you everything, Wonhee." Dodo kissed her shoulder and sighed. "But it's fine. I liked it, it was very soft and a more pleasant memory to hold onto than everything that came after."

"I liked it too. It wasn't anything much, but it meant a lot to me. I'm glad that I didn't ruin it." Stroking over the brown hair, Wonhee leaned in and placed a kiss on Dodo's forehead.

"Your lips are still really soft." A smile pulled at the corners of the other woman's mouth and she leaned towards the touch. "There is one thing I never told you about. There was a red mark right next to the side where you used to sleep on my wall. I tried to kiss the wall and decided that my lips look fucking weird when they leave a mark. That was pretty much it with kissing, apart from parts of your body."

"Your lips are beautiful. Really soft and warm, like a cozy pillow. At least that is how I remember them," Wonhee whispered and licked her lips, staring at the other woman's mouth. The topic was bad.

"You're really good at giving compliments, I'm not used to it." Stroking over her neck and along the edge of the dress that had slipped a little lower on her shoulder, Dodo leaned in and stared at her eyes. Each exhale was close enough to brush over her lips. "That kiss is one of my favorite memories. It's the most tender anybody has ever treated me."

Her heart hammered in her chest and she was sure that Dodo must have been unaware, as usual, giving her images and sensations without understanding what they did to her.

"It's the only way you should be treated, you fool," Wonhee whispered and shifted closer, before her brain short circuited and she leaned in, touching Dodo's plump mouth for a brief moment before she realized what she was doing and leaned back.

The hazel eyes widened almost instantly, but instead of freaking out further and pushing her away, Dodo merely tightened her hold on her waist and shoulder.

"It's okay," the brown-haired woman murmured and pushed their foreheads together, eyes fluttering shut. "I might be a fool, but the way I am treated isn't always my choice."

"It's not." Wonhee lifted her hand and stroked over the small face, the curled ear and long hair, fingertips dancing carefully and taking in every sensation. "I'm sorry."

Dodo chuckled, keeping her eyes closed. "You're the only one who makes me feel safe like this, so why should you be sorry?"

"Because I talked recklessly. I don't know anything, and I didn't even ask. I think I should go back," she whispered, licking her lips and staring at the white empty wall.

"I don't know why I mentioned it, I rarely dare to even think of it, but I guess I get emotional next to you." Taking another deep breath, Dodo leaned back and chewed on her lips. "I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable with that shit."

Wonhee sat up and brushed her hair back into form, inhaling deeply in a desperate attempt to get her shit together. "It's not you who makes me uncomfortable, Dodo. It's me."

"Is there a way for me to change that?" The tall woman sat up too, still undressed and face much more emotional than it had been only a few seconds ago. Dodo's facial expressions changed so much when she let her nonchalant demeanor fall.

"Why would you change that? You didn't do anything wrong. Everything is fine. It's late, I came here to do something entirely different and now it's time to go back." The lump in her throat returned and she couldn't believe that the outlook of going back home made her feel so devastated and lost.

"You can stay if you like." The words were quiet, as if the other woman wasn't even sure that she wanted her to hear them. It was familiar, and she had heard it many times before. It was the almost silent request for comfort. The question was, whether she was strong enough, stable enough to bear the emotions that it would entail, to give comfort to another woman who felt devastated and needed it.

Exhaling the emotional mess inside her chest, she nodded and took off her dress without any further comment, letting it lie next to the bed, where she added her black lace bra before crawling under the blanket and staring at the beautiful woman on the bed. "Come here," she whispered.


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 28th of November at 2 PM CET.  
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The warm body of her childhood friend that had been in her arms only seconds ago, suddenly dissipated into nothing, moving towards the edge of the bed and standing up.

Had Dodo not been perfectly awake and felt the familiar burning of hurt in her chest, she might have assumed that it was a dream. A vision or the side effect of drinking something she shouldn't have or expecting others to be considerate and careful when they were everything but.

Wonhee had always had the talent to get to the core of her feelings, to find whatever she was hiding and pull it to the surface. It had been relieving back then, because as soon as the other girl's soft arms wrapped around her and she told her it was going to be okay, it really felt like it was.

_But that was before you left._

Now there weren't a few drops of hurt that Dodo was guarding with everything she had, it was buckets, a whole sea that she was barely able to contain and drowned in as soon as it was able to reach the surface. Her past experiences weren't something she should have mentioned or even thought about. It was part of the memories that she buried, that she forgot about along with the fact that somewhere out there, a person exists that genuinely cares about her.

_Now you met her again, but you're a wreck. She thinks she's not the same person anymore, but she hasn't seen what you buried._

Dodo didn't want her to see. She didn't want anybody to see. It was a story that didn't belong anywhere. There were others to tell, stories that didn't rip her slim chest apart and made it difficult to breathe.

The soft kisses that they had shared, back then on top of her car and later in bed, they were one of the memories that she held onto. Maybe she should have buried it too, followed her own rules of abandoning everything that mattered to her to be somebody else. But she hadn't been able to, not back then and not now when that curved mouth briefly touched hers. It still felt soft. Wonhee's kisses were tender, unlike everything else she had experienced during her travels. She didn't want to yearn for it, but she did as soon as it was over, worried that her childhood friend might be hurt again because her feelings were different.

Dodo knew that Wonhee spoke of the past, that the love she had felt towards her dissipated over the years. But still, she couldn't be sure that the way she felt about a kiss and the way the woman in front of her felt about a kiss wasn't different.

_Maybe this is why she wants to leave._

It felt helpless, like no matter the reason for Wonhee's desire to leave, there was nothing she could have offered to make the other woman stay. It wasn't like her to feel so lost, chest still burning and hidden sea threatening to get to the surface. Dodo didn't want it to, she wanted to bury it with colors that she painted all over herself and the room she stayed in, but the way her fingers trembled told her she wouldn't be able to.

_It's too late. She pulled it out the way she always does, getting to you in a matter of seconds._

Her breaths hitched, and she felt dangerously close to losing herself, to breaking down like the wreck that she was unless there was art to save her from it.

"You can stay if you like," she whispered, barely hearing herself as she looked at her own thighs and imagined them being covered in black lines too. That everything was covered in black lines, but the thought didn't fucking help. The dark sea seemed stormy inside her stomach, pushing towards her chest and burning like acid as soon as it touched her throat.

Wonhee didn’t say anything. A sharp exhale caught her attention and she looked up, gaze traveling from the other woman’s lean calves to her curvy thighs, along with the colorful dress that made room for pale skin, only covered by black lace underwear. The bra joined the heap on the floor, as the beautiful woman crawled under the blanket and turned, looking at her intently with a gaze so soft that she could feel it. “Come here,” Wonhee whispered.

Her lips trembled from the sudden wave that washed over her and for a second her body seemed to collapse on itself. When she looked down at her hands that were buried in her thighs, she realized that she was still aware, still there and not dreaming.

_It's always been her._

Heat burned in her eyes and she gasped in the attempt to stop it, to remain in control instead of showing the mess that she was on the inside.

_Nobody can tell when you're not okay, but she sees immediately._

Dodo couldn't remember the last time she was at the brink of a breakdown and anybody gave a single shit about the way she was feeling. Crawling forward she swallowed down the first wave of tears and simply collapsed on top of the other woman, feeling her soft chest against her face and warm skin brushing over her own naked body. She could barely breathe, but there was no way to stop it now. The lid had been opened and everything that she tried to keep inside to drain out with the color came right to the surface and wrapped its hands around her throat.

"Fuck," she breathed out and squeezed her eyes shut as drops of salty liquid covered her childhood friend's chest. She was showing herself in a way she hated to be seen, but still those warm hands kept holding onto her instead of leaving.

_Is your misery what kept her here? What right do you have to keep her here if it kills her? You're the one who left her back then, but she's not at fault for whatever happened to you._

She felt Wonhee’s warm palms on her back and stroking over her hair, soft lips placing a kiss against her forehead briefly, before the familiar voice sounded, a little lower than her memories, but still soaked in the same colors. “Come here, it will be okay. My beautiful Dodo.”

The words only made it worse, making her chest shake with sobs as she soaked the pale skin and didn't manage to say a single word. Even when she cried, she usually cried silently, but it felt like too much at once, all of it. Even though Wonhee said the same words, the ones that had made her feel so much better back then, she knew that they weren't true this time. What happened couldn't be changed and the black-haired woman had her own life now, one that Dodo was forcing herself into because she was alone. Because she didn't have anybody, nobody but Wonhee.

“I'm a fucking mess,” she forced out and tried to hold her breath, body shaking with the effort. "I can't help it, Wonhee. It's just all broken to pieces."

“Do you think I say ‘I’m a functioning adult’ when I cry? We are all a mess when we feel like falling apart. I don’t know what broke into pieces, but it feels so good to hold you, all of you.” She felt a smile against her forehead as Wonhee turned them to the side, wrapping one arm around her middle and kept stroking over her messy hair. “Does it feel better if I hold you? Because for me it does.”

She nodded, still trying to hold her breath and produce something more coherent than a sob. Wonhee felt like a dream, the dreams she had when everything went to shit and nothing was able to pull her out of it, nothing apart from daydreams of what her life had been back then. Back when she was next to the only person that really knew her.

"It feels like a dream being next to you," she murmured but didn't dare close her eyes. It felt like as soon as she stopped being aware it would disappear and return to cold sheets and unwelcome hands. "I'm the one who broke into pieces, I don't even know who I am anymore. But you are still so tender to me, even though you said we're not the same people anymore. Fuck, I don't have anybody but you, Wonhee."

“We are not the same people anymore, I still think that. You are a bright explosion of a thousand colors and I might have lost the only thing that you liked about me, even though I’m not even sure what it was. But in the end… I’m here, because you are still able to dance over every boundary and be next to me like a second skin and a third lung. And some things didn’t change. Like...” The soft lips touched her forehead again, this time for a little longer. “Like the fact that you are still so beautiful, even when you cry. I look like a sobbing mess in comparison. My nose runs, and I soak everything with tears, my eyes get swollen and look even smaller than they already do.”

Dodo chuckled, but mostly because Wonhee's perception was so skewed. There was no way to call what she was doing beautiful when drops slipped down her cheeks and stained the other woman's pretty breasts.

"You're just a blind fish," she murmured, but it didn't come out properly because she was still crying like a dumb bitch. "You're always beautiful. It's your lips. They are magical, and I don't believe you when it comes to me, you are biased."

“I've been biased for many years. At some point it turns into reality. But you are wrong about that. If I was biased, I wouldn’t think that you changed, but I do. My lips look like a pretzel when I cry, what are you even talking about?” Wonhee leaned forward and kissed her cheeks, collecting the liquid and licking her lips. “Salty.”

"Like a pretzel." She chuckled again and wrapped her arms around Wonhee's body. The other woman was always so warm and soft against her, especially when her breasts brushed over her chest. "I like pretzels, you should know that. Haven't eaten one in years, but I doubt I suddenly stopped liking them. I like your lips too."

_How does she manage to make you feel at ease like this? _

Dodo couldn't explain it. Only moments ago, she was terrified and of course the sensation remained in her chest, but Wonhee made it okay somehow. The way she said she would.

“I’m jealous of all the people who were able to see your colors all those years that I was without,” the short woman whispered, staring at nothing before she leaned in and kissed another few tears away.

_She doesn't know that you were only breaking all these years, nothing else._

"Don't be, nobody saw anything." She swallowed as the sensation in her throat returned and she tried to distract herself by pressing her lips to the skin right below Wonhee's collarbone. "People don't give a shit about the colors, because you are the only one who sees them. I'm just the dumb girl at a place she doesn't belong, Wonhee. It took a while to get used to it."

The woman in her arms shook her head, determined and serious before leaning back and lifting her chin to make their eyes meet.

“It took me many years to understand, but you belong with yourself. You don’t belong to anyone, that’s why people get angry and confused. They can’t manipulate you and control you with attachment or anything else. You are a self-sufficient being and others can’t handle that because it makes them feel worthless next to you. You are not dumb. You are incredibly smart, you are beautiful, you shine from the inside, so bright that I can see just watching you from afar. You are the artist and the art. I’m so sorry that people don’t see. I see it. I do.” Wonhee licked her lips and nodded again, brushing her thumb over her cheek.

"Fuck," she whispered and squeezed her eyes shut, begging herself to keep her composure for once. It felt so good to hear the words, to know that the only person she trusted and felt close to thought that way about her. Dodo didn't know if she believed it. She believed that Wonhee felt that way, but she wasn't sure about other people. It wasn't true that they couldn't control her. She was also just human. "I- I really wish all of it was true, I do. But one doesn't need attachment to manipulate people, Wonhee. Sometimes physical superiority is perfectly sufficient."

“It’s not. It might be able to force something out of you, but one can only see the colors when you are free. I’m so sorry that you had to endure this. Nobody should.” She was pulled in a tight embrace as Wonhee shifted even closer. “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you, Dodo. And don’t tell me it’s your fault. I feel sorry that I wasn’t there when you were suffering.”

_Even when she was suffering all this time she's thinking of you._

All this time there was nobody like Wonhee next to her, not a single person. Partially because such a person simply didn't exist and partially because Dodo didn't allow anybody close enough. It felt unusual to be cared about, to know that the woman embracing her right now cared about her and nothing else. There were no ulterior motives.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you were suffering either. I always thought there would be somebody else to take care of you, like a selfish bitch." Inhaling sharply, she relaxed her muscles and focused on the way the other woman's body felt against hers. It was really nice and comforting, just the way she wanted it to be. "Thank you for staying. You are the one person I want next to me, Wonhee."

“Don’t say that. You always told me that back then and in the end it’s still the same. You belong with yourself. It’s better if you don’t make me feel special.” Wonhee sighed, playing with her hair and rubbing her nose against her cheek. “Actually, it’s fine. I’m grown up now, I know that myself. You can say whatever you like.”

_But she is special. She's been special all this time. _

She sat up, partially freeing herself from the embrace as Wonhee's hands landed on her hips and thighs. The black-haired woman looked up at her, probably wondering why she moved away instead of enjoying the comfort she needed so much. Dodo still needed it, but she also had to show her childhood friend something.

Reaching under the pillow that she had used before opening the door, she pulled out a necklace. It was broken, but the locket was still attached to it, looking older and a little rougher than it had back then. Dodo preferred it that way. She didn't want it to look valuable because it was only valuable to her.

"I still have it," she murmured and let the locket hang down from the chain, dangling in front of the other woman's eyes. Maybe Wonhee couldn't even recognize it. After all it was only meaningful to her. "I didn't dare put it into my work because then it would have been gone. I also stopped wearing it because the chain broke, but I keep it under my pillow in the hope for less nightmares."

Wonhee sat up too, staring at her before looking at the necklace.

“I don’t know if I should be happy that you thought of me all this time or feel sad because my hair had been with you all along while I was dying over here,” the other woman whispered, reaching for the locket, and stroking over it, before lifting her hand and cupping her cheek. “I only have that one picture of us. That’s it.”

_It's the one you've seen, isn't it?_

She nodded softly and pulled the other woman closer to her chest, long fingers instantly finding their way into her hair. It was short, but she liked it. Wonhee had always wanted to cut her hair, but in the end, it must have taken a long time to finally do it.

"I'm sorry that I left you nothing but pain. I wish I could change it somehow. I was so fucking stupid, Wonhee. Not only in regard to you, in regard to everything." She brushed her lips over the pale shoulder and stroked along Wonhee's back, wondering when it would start to feel real. "Back then my parents tried to find me. There were search posters in the bigger cities, but I was stubborn and got into trouble instead."

The short woman took the locket from her hands and put it under the pillow, smiling briefly. “This is not about me now, Dodo. Tell me more about you. About the way you feel. I want to know.” Lying next to her, Wonhee let one hand rest on her waist while the other stroked over her head gently.

"But what do you want to hear? I usually just try not to feel too much." She chewed on her cheeks, feeling so lost suddenly. Nobody ever bothered to ask how she felt. Right now she felt elated, happy to be next to the woman she thought about for years, but at the same time there was guilt. That smile she missed disappeared because of her, because she's the one who broke Wonhee's heart.

_She was in love with you and you assumed she was curious, too focused on the fact that she had a boyfriend. _

“I want to know why you cried and whether you feel better. Whether something changed by me being next to you, holding you. Was I able to comfort you? How do you get comfort? Was there someone during those years who you could let go with? Have you loved somebody? Was it a happy or a sad story? Did you get hurt a lot? How did you cope with it?” The questions rained down on her while Wonhee kept still and looked at her, dark round eyes piercing right through her while the other woman’s body was soft like a cloud in comparison.

_Love?_

She swallowed, realizing that there was nothing she could have said. There was no such thing in her life. There was only paint, her memories of her childhood friend and the color that slipped through the drain while she tried to apply it to walls and tell a story.

"I- I've never been in love," she murmured and inhaled the scent of the other woman's black hair. It was different from back then, something expensive she couldn't name, but it distracted her from the fact that she wasn't like everybody else. Other women shared their stories with her, gave her the chance to paint them, but LiFa wasn't like that. She buried it all in order to drown Dodo and leave only art.

_But now you keep thinking of yourself as Dodo again. Was it her? _

"I cried because there is a sea of shit inside me that I bury, but you have the talent to pull it to the surface." She took a deep breath to talk without getting emotional, to distance herself from it all. "I didn't have anybody next to me, it was only me. Most of the time I just pretended to be somebody else or identified with my pseudonym if I wanted to forget that I'm a human. It's disappointing though, because no matter what I do, I can't become a piece of art, one without feelings and without a past." The familiar knot returned to her throat and she gasped, clenching her fist. "You're- you're the only person that has been able to give me comfort. I feel at ease with women, but I still don't open up. You… I don't know how you do that."

"Old lesbian wisdom," Wonhee murmured and grabbed her face, placing another kiss to her forehead. "We all have our sea of shit, Dodo. The only difference is whether we act as if we don’t or carry it around and show everybody."

"Why would I show it to anybody if the people around me only wait to step on me? If I don't give a shit, then it's meaningless, all of it is. I'm- I'm okay usually. I just don't think about it, as if it never happened. There is just a blank period in my life. Something in between me leaving you and becoming LiFa."

_It's just a wall that you covered with pitch black paint._

The kisses felt reassuring, so she leaned in, mostly subconsciously. There was something to Wonhee's touch that made her yearn for more, evoked the desire to wrap around her and breathe the scent of her skin.

"You don't show yours to anybody either. You even pretended not to know me," she whispered and placed a kiss of her own to Wonhee's cheek. For a moment she considered to touch the other woman's lips, but it wouldn't be fair towards her.

"I pretended not to know you because you left and never contacted me again. It was clear that you didn't want to have anything to do with me, so I played along to not make you uncomfortable. And I was hurt. A lot. I didn't expect to see you. And I didn't expect you to… be like this. Shining." Sighing, Wonhee shifted and brushed her long hair behind her ear, tracing its shape. "I'm weak for colors and you have the brightest palette I've ever seen."

_How can she see it when you feel like you're dead on the inside? _

Dodo didn't know, but the expression on her childhood friend's face got to her. It was genuine, like whatever she was seeing fascinated her enough to not want to look away.

"I want you next to me, just like this," she whispered and leaned in, kissing the other woman's jaw and the tip of her nose. It was close, but she didn't dare to move further, for that she didn't know how much it meant for Wonhee. "Will you go to the refuge with me again? I won't paint my legs this time. I won't have to when you are next to me."

"I would love to. I'm sorry for kissing you without asking first. Not that it was a real kiss, but you might still be uncomfortable about it." The round eyes opened, and her childhood friend stared at her for a few seconds. "I try not to kiss people if they're feeling terrible because they might associate comfort and feelings with it, even though there is nothing."

_Is that what's happening to you? _

She tried to reflect on her intentions, but it didn't seem like she wanted to do it for comfort. It was rather the fact that kissing had something intimate and until now Wonhee was the only one she had shared it with. The other woman simply seemed like the right person for a kiss, more so than anybody who had ever shoved their tongue down her throat.

"Does it make you uncomfortable? Kissing me I mean," she asked back and pulled Wonhee closer by the grip on her waist while cupping her face with the other. The black-haired woman's cheeks were also always her favorite, even if they had lost some of their roundness as she became a grown-up woman.

"No. Not at all. I wouldn't have done it if I was uncomfortable. That's why I apologized. Because I should've asked whether it was okay with you and after that you felt so bad, so I hope it wasn't because of that. I'm really sorry if it was. I'm really sorry, Dodo." The black-haired woman nodded to support her words and returned her hand to her hair, continuing with the comforting touches.

She shook her head immediately and leaned in closer, letting her lips brush along Wonhee's round jaw. "I felt bad because everything else in comparison was terrible," she murmured and resisted the urge to let her eyes flutter shut.

If neither of them felt uncomfortable, then there was nothing wrong with it, was there? The other woman seemed so concerned about her, so it felt right to show her that it was okay, that the kiss had felt good, right even. It was the same tenderness she remembered from back then, only less desperate.

Licking over her lips briefly, she finally moved up from Wonhee's jaw and touched those curved lips with her own, picturing the way they would look during a kiss, how she might be able to paint it.

The other woman froze in her embrace for a split second, holding her breath and eyes open wide, but it didn't take long for the soft body to relax in her hold and for Wonhee's round eyes to flutter shut. Another second passed, and she could feel those curved lips against hers in return.

The touch was soft, just like she remembered. Warmth seemed to travel through her lips and chest and she shifted a little to make it easier, tilting her head and rubbing her bottom lip over Wonhee's. She loved that there was no feeling of pressure, of having to do something or a goal she needed to reach. The kiss was merely for the sake of a kiss, no more, no less.

Sensations from Wonhee's smooth skin against hers, the careful fingertips stroking over her hair and waist combined with the gentle movement of the curved mouth against hers. Wonhee exhaled softly and parted her lips a tiny bit, only kissing her bottom lip before moving up to her upper one.

She finally let her eyes flutter shut and relaxed further, leaning back against the pillow and taking Wonhee along through the hold she had on the other woman's waist. Dodo had kissed before, of course she did. It had been the messy kind with a lot of tongue that was only meant to shut her up or be something to accompany orgasm. There was nothing she felt when she kissed, but it wasn't the same this time. Her lips were tingling, and a coil pulled together in her abdomen.

It was probably only natural, after all kissing was supposed to feel good for people, but Dodo hadn't really considered kissing one of those things that felt good. Arousal came suddenly for her, when she had to forget about something and needed to act quickly, to let somebody fuck her brains out and make her come.

_When you need to stop thinking for a few moments. _

This was gradual, no more than a reminder that it was pleasant and left the option for more pleasantries. She parted her lips in reply and shifted, feeling her underwear get wetter.

Wonhee moved back, looked at her for a few seconds, before leaning in and connecting their lips again in the same gentle kisses that tingled along her skin, accompanied by slow strokes from her ribs to her hip.

She hummed because she enjoyed it and it was her way of communicating it without breaking the kiss. Her own hands travelled over Wonhee's skin, tracing her shoulder blades and caressing her spine until she reached the round behind covered by black underwear. The other woman had always been so curvy, a masterpiece that Dodo loved to capture with a brush. Now she tried to capture it with her hands only, following the curve while her eyes remained closed. Wonhee gasped into the kiss, probably because the touch was unexpected.

"Is this fine?" she asked just to make sure and let her hand travel back to the narrow waist, tracing each rib on its own. She also loved how Wonhee's hair tickled her neck as the black-haired woman leaned over her. Everything about it felt right, intimate just the way they had always been.

_But you never kissed like this._

But they had both also been more hesitant back then. Dodo had no boundaries, but she never crossed any lines she hadn't crossed before. Now it was different. Both of them kissed before, so they knew what they were doing.

The black-haired woman leaned back again, holding her gaze and nodding briefly. "Are you curious?" she asked, moving closer and carefully closing her curved mouth around her bottom lip.

Dodo shook her head because she wasn't. For curiosity there would need to be the question for what comes after, what happens when one feels like that and whether this is something she enjoys. There was no question about whether she enjoyed it because she did. The way she wanted to continue and how her body responded was a clear answer.

"No, I simply enjoy it," she replied eventually and pulled her thighs together because it felt a little nicer. It was rare for her to feel at ease while being aroused, to not be overly alert until she got what she wanted. Like this, with Wonhee in her arms, she was calm, affected by the kissing but not scared or uncomfortable.

_This is a first, isn't it? _

"Mhm," the plump lips vibrated against her mouth. "I enjoy it too. Your lips feel amazing."

She could feel a few more exhales against her skin, more frequent than they have been before while Wonhee shifted, remaining on her side and leaning over.

_Is she feeling aroused too, or is it mostly you because you're not used to it? _

"Yours too," she replied and used her hand to cup the other woman's jaw again, stabilizing it briefly as she licked over the curved lips as she did with the protruding ear before. "You taste sweet, just like back then."

"Can't be. I have been drinking whisky," the pleasant voice replied and Wonhee smiled, moving closer while licking over the path of her tongue. Leaning forward, the black-haired woman carefully parted her lips with her warm tongue, without pushing it in her mouth.

Dodo was thankful for that as there was a brief moment of discomfort from the mere thought of a tongue in her mouth, but somehow Wonhee seemed to be able to tell. She liked the open-mouthed kisses and licked over the curved lips a few times, sucking the bottom one into her mouth because she loved the softness and how the other woman tasted. The whiskey didn't make her any less sweet.

"You're still sweet," she murmured and stroked over the naked back and the curved behind again, feeling how nice the lace underwear felt against her fingertips.

"I can't believe you can reach this far. I wish I had your limbs," Wonhee chuckled and let herself fall to the side, glancing at the ceiling. "How are you feeling now? Do you feel better?" The black-haired woman turned to the side, black eyes looking at her intently. "I will stay the night. I'm just asking."

Dodo took a few deep breaths and turned on her stomach, observing Wonhee and how gorgeous she looked in the dimmed light. The shadows that her body and breasts threw on the sheets was a sight to behold all by itself. It was enough to get a little distracted.

"Define better. I'm wet," she muttered and shrugged, brushing her hair out of the way. "But I do enjoy kissing you. You also have beautiful curves. My body obviously doesn't, so it's fascinating to trace with my fingers. Would love to do it with a brush."

"Oh god, I'm definitely too gay for this." Wonhee shook her head, but opened one eye, gaze wandering over her body before it returned to her face. "I stayed because I hoped that I could give you some comfort. I'm happy if it worked out. And I liked kissing you. A lot."

_She must be much more affected than you are, why did you think she wasn't?_

"You don't have to kiss me to give me comfort though. That's just an extra that kind of happened because I kissed you." Dodo sighed because she wasn't wearing a panty liner today, literally the only day she would have needed one. "I can offer you panties if you need some, but mine are definitely not that nice lace stuff and might not fit over your ass."

"It's fine, you don't need to." Wonhee hooked her thumbs under the lace and simply took it off, letting it join the heap next to the bed. Remaining completely naked, the black-haired woman lifted her arms over her head and stretched. "We can sleep if you like."

_She's so relaxed around you now. It's nice._

"Mmh," Dodo muttered and decided to do the same. It was a lost battle anyway. Slipping her underwear down her long legs, she threw it aside and rolled over again, observing Wonhee's body. The black-haired woman was completely smooth and pale. She watched her big breasts that created a contrast to the slim waist before transitioning into curvy hips. Her nipples were hardened, probably because it was cold without a blanket. Wonhee's black hair was sprawled over the pillow and the way she stretched made her seem even more ethereal.

_She's a work of art, not you._

The area between the beautiful woman's legs didn't look particularly sleek and Dodo couldn't help wondering if it was inherently her to be a fluid factory. She was basically always wet and when she was aroused she was _really_ wet.

She's never been somebody to be embarrassed, but feeling how slick her thighs were, she genuinely wondered if now was the time.

"Are you cold?" she asked instead of mentioning it and poked one of Wonhee's nipples, smiling to not think about the fact that her lower body was throbbing.

"No. Are you?" Wonhee grinned and lifted her hand, brushing the fingertip of her index finger over her right nipple in return.

_Oh. _

"I thought we already talked about the wet bit," she mumbled and wrapped her arms around Wonhee's waist, pulling her close but not against her thighs. "Sorry if I'm awkward. You know I'm not somebody like that, but I rarely get aroused and when I do I'm kind of desperate, so don't mind me."

"Did I make you feel awkward?" the black-haired woman asked and simply slipped her thigh between her legs, disregarding all her precautions.

"I- well, fuck." Dodo threw her head back and chewed on her lips, wondering how she felt about covering her friend's thigh in her arousal. "I was just comparing, and you don't look like a juice factory, so I got a little concerned. You didn't do anything to make me feel awkward."

"I can also be a juice factory but for that you would need to sit on my face. I'm glad that I didn't do anything to make you awkward. I could have. Don't worry, everybody reacts differently. You don't need to feel embarrassed with me. I don't judge you at all." As if to emphasize her words, Wonhee curled her arms around her and her thigh slipped a little higher due to the shift.

Dodo gasped, simply because it felt good and pulled her thighs together in response, squeezing Wonhee accidentally.

"Kinky," she commented, mostly about the sitting face bit and realized that if Wonhee had been a guy, she would have already sat down on his dick before throwing him out right after. With Wonhee there was no such thing, she just wanted to have her friend there and preferably a little more of that thigh motion. But she could also survive on embraces and that sweet scent. "I gotta admit that my experiences consist of rough and mostly involuntary sex."

"Oh god, did I touch you in a way you didn't like?" Wonhee leaned back, removing her leg from between hers and staring with a worried and partially hurt expression on her beautiful face. "I'm so sorry. I'll keep it the way it was, it should be safer. Okay?"

_Why the hell would you talk about your shit experiences when she makes you feel good?_

"I- god, no. It felt amazing. I just thought I should warn you that I'm impressionable to tenderness, but I also don't really come unless there's a shitload of factors involved. That one piece of shit fucked with my head and now I have to deal with it." Again, she was just telling Wonhee personal stuff as if they were drinking coffee and talking about issues. "God, my point was, please put it back."

"My point is that I want you to feel at ease. I wanted to make you feel better and I don't want you to experience any kind of discomfort, especially considering your personal experiences. Come here, Dodo." Wonhee turned to the side and spread her arms, smiling hesitantly.

There was something familiar to the expression, even if it wasn't the smile she remembered from back then. Smiling in return, she let herself be embraced and wrapped her own long arms around Wonhee's beautiful body.

Dodo couldn't imagine feeling bad next to the other woman, not unless it was her own guilt.

"You're the only one who cares about me like that," she whispered and kissed the soft cheek.

***

Did she lose her mind, or was it the alcohol?

She could feel the familiar warmth that the brown liquid had left as an aftertaste in her body, even after an hour passed, but it was so unlike her. Not the comfort and the questions that she asked the beautiful artist with long brown hair. The woman who held onto her as if she was her only salvation, supporting it with words that sounded like something she would have loved to hear... ten years ago. Why did she kiss back? Why did her fingertips act as if on their own, finding the curve of Dodo’s waist and hips and taking in the goosebumps that she could feel develop on the sandy skin?

There was so much that went through her mind, starting with the confirmation that being a woman necessarily meant that one had gotten hurt by a man in one way or another at some point and ending with the very unromantic but erotic and understandable urge to bury her face between Dodo’s legs. The tall woman was ambivalent, shy but at the same time she talked about being aroused by their kisses. What didn’t surprise Wonhee was her comment about being a juice factory. It was very typical of many women who didn’t think about their sexuality to blame all kinds of things on biology, intimacy, or her favorite: friendship. The height of hypocrisy had been the blonde woman named Jill, who moaned that she had never had a close friend like Wonhee, while she ate her out accompanied by three fingers inside her body.

_You were very good friends._

Feeling the warm, wet skin against her thigh, she shifted, asking herself how Dodo tasted while the gorgeous woman gasped attractively. Wonhee kept licking her lips like a creep, but she didn’t stay for that. She stayed to give Dodo comfort, to make her feel better. Judging by her occasional comments, Wonhee understood that sexual intimacy must have been a difficult topic for Dodo, but it wasn’t different with her other partners. It seemed as if living as a woman implied it and part of being close consisted of understanding the hurt, respecting it and attempting to replace the memories by positive experiences, by care and tenderness.

“You’re the only one who cares about me like that,” the low voice whispered as she could feel her skin tingle from the sensation of the other woman’s body wrapping around her. Wonhee was familiar with it, but there was the feeling of it being so natural. As if the memories from the past simply continued in the way they were supposed to. It didn’t seem like a new step, or like crossing boundaries. It was the natural feeling that Dodo was supposed to lie in her arms like that while it was natural to kiss her warm neck.

“I don’t know if it’s true, but I know that it’s natural. Maybe it has something to do with empathy. We all have our pain to carry around and being empathic and taking care of each other’s wounds is the least we can do for each other. I don’t feel as if I have to, don’t misunderstand me, but it comes with being close. I am naked in your arms and you are naked in mine. We are both vulnerable and you need to be able to understand to be able care and to prevent more pain. Both of us should be treated gently. Look how soft your lips are, I can only touch them in the most tender way to not hurt you.” Wonhee traced the other woman’s full lips with her index finger, carefully drawing the shape. She was too beautiful. Dodo was too beautiful and too attractive, too warm and too close, but it was the place she wanted to be right now.

"Maybe you're the only person I allow close enough, but maybe that is also because you care." The brown-haired woman smiled and kissed her index finger. "I rarely feel vulnerable when I am naked, but I also try to remain in control when I am. That must be the difference. With you I'm relaxed and there is no real goal, you know? Dudes have expectations when you hug them naked. I mean- maybe you do too, but you won't poke a dick into my side thinking that turns me on."

“There is a very big difference between expectations and wishes. I expect absolutely nothing from this _friendship_.” She emphasized the word and rolled her eyes. “I just want you to feel better. What I feel on the way there, is something that I will deal with later.” Wonhee wanted to explain the difference between hugging and having a thigh between your legs but refrained from it. There was no point, as it was likely to never happen again.

"Your irony is giving me whiplash," Dodo commented and lifted an eyebrow, obviously looking at her naked body for a few moments before focusing on her face. "So, you might be wishing for things, but those wishes are yours and have nothing to do with the other person? That sounds nice. Why isn't everybody thinking this way?" The tall woman sighed and slipped lower to be able to put her head on top of her chest, thereby rubbing her lower body over Wonhee's thigh. Dodo gasped again but didn't comment on it. "Best pillow ever since the day you got breasts."

She asked herself whether Dodo was familiar with riding thighs, but probably not. So far, the tall woman only shared her terrible experiences with hetero sex. It didn’t matter whether she was or wasn’t familiar, the sensation was arousing, not only for the woman in her arms.

“Being a good pillow is a compliment I haven’t received yet. Thank you. And people don’t think about others because they’re selfish assholes. They could do it, but they chose not to.” She reached for the long hair and stroked over it tenderly. “Does it feel weird for you to be lying here with me like this?”

"No, it feels safe," Dodo replied and placed a kiss on her right breast before turning her head to the side again. "I always loved how soft you are, so pillow is one of the best compliments there is. Your skin is really tender too, and pale like back then. I got darker in the sun and have some weird ass tan lines on my legs from paint."

“You look very attractive. But in my case, I think it comes from the fact that I know that it’s you who is living in the body. It’s like a perfect combination. A vessel filled with colors.” Shifting a bit, Wonhee leaned down and kissed Dodo’s forehead briefly. “How come you’ve never been in love before? I mean, it’s been ten years and you’ve seen so many things. Was there never a person you liked enough? Maybe it’s a characteristic of someone who belongs to themselves. To not love anybody.”

"I don't know. To be honest, I tried to keep people at bay because I knew that I wasn't going to stay. There was no point in letting anybody close, I would only hurt them in the end." Dodo tensed suddenly, tightening her hold around her hips, but relaxed again. "I… didn't want to repeat it because it hurt, so I just stayed on my own unless people forced themselves into my life. But how about you? Did you fall in love again?"

“Love? No. But I do have a close friend, Dior, and was in a few relationships during those years. However, to be honest, I mostly work.”

"Just like I mostly paint." Dodo lifted her head and smiled at her. "Back then you were also keen on doing homework whereas I painted my study books. But how come you haven't been in love again? It's been ten years for you too, you also left Stockholm even though I never thought you would.”

“I did many things. Who knows, maybe the story with you was too tragic to open up again. Dior always jokes that I took the big cloud of love and distributed it over all women, so I can’t love one and love all of them instead. I like that image. Back then it had just been you.” She chuckled and rolled to her back, lifting her arms and placing them under her head. Those white ceilings drove her mad.

"You have a lot of love to give. The image fits you well," Dodo murmured and lay down next to her instead of keeping her head on her chest. "I can only let color drain from my fingers and hope that it won't stop someday. That's why I need things to tell, stories to paint and keep myself busy. It's the main reason for not staying in the same place. I didn't know if London had anything for me to talk about, but it seems there is much more than I expected. There's you."

_No._

“Create and then move on if that’s what you need. I don’t think I have anything to do with it. I will carry on the same way I did before, study your art and work.” Wonhee swallowed and let her eyes flutter shut to swallow down the lump in her throat. She was stupid for feeling like this, as if it was something she didn’t know or didn’t expect. It had been clear from the start. There wasn’t even a start, gosh, she just lay in a bed of memories that she would leave in the morning and continue on with her life.

"I don't think I would be able to stay, Wonhee. I might go mad." Dodo inhaled sharply and shifted on the bed, reaching for the blanket that she threw over both of them. "As soon as there are no stories to tell, my own might catch up with me. I… can't bear that."

“That’s why I said that you still think that I’m the person from back then. I haven’t asked you to stay. I told you to move on, but you keep telling me that you can’t stay. I know, Dodo. But your stories are stories too. Our own are the most authentic ones if you ask me.” Hugging the blanket, she turned towards the door and stared at it for a few moments before exhaling sharply and feeling her lungs clench. “Let’s sleep. Good night, Dodo.”

It was quiet for a few moments until she felt weight shift next to her and warm arms wrapped around her from the back.

"Goodnight, Wonhee."

Inhaling a few times and still unable to fight the pain in her chest, she couldn’t help wishing she was at home, under the blue light. Alone.

_

_Do you like suffering?_

Wonhee stood under the shower in her apartment after escaping the hotel bed at five in the morning and returning to her safe space, where she was at least able to think clearly, without warm arms surrounding her and a sweet voice telling her hurtful things, combining them into a bittersweet feeling that she hated most in this world. Pain was still pain, no matter whether it was wrapped nicely. Dodo was so good at wrapping it nicely and making it seem as if it was a present.

_It has been a long time since you felt so much regret._

She scrubbed her thighs, forcing away the memories about the woman’s lean legs slipping between hers and soft lips kissing her tenderly. Was she disappointed? But why would she be if she had known that it had been an unconscious game of a person who was curious and vulnerable, longing for comfort and taking it from whoever was close. The beautiful woman talked about her being special, but it was a lie. Dodo was living a lie and she helped her believe it.

_You are not the person from back then. You don’t know her. You are simply a woman who has seen a lot and knows how to give comfort and do emotional labor for others. _

She was okay with comforting others, but it never involved kissing or being physically close because the associations scared her. After Dodo left her she kept longing for the warm arms, for the way the brown-haired girl kissed her stomach to make her laugh, or for the times they showered together, finding comfort in the tender touches. She didn’t want to give anybody those kinds of associations, leaving them with the deep and painful longing that couldn’t be fulfilled. She knew how much it could hurt.

_And still you did it. _

She needed to concentrate on the project and had planned to take Dodo to a meeting she was organizing. It brought together bisexual women, lesbians and heterosexual women that had experience with violence and sexual abuse who needed to share and others who wanted to listen. It was a great opportunity to see how women lived in London, independent of their sexual orientation, ethnicity or social status. The whole concept focused on them being women and Dodo needed to see it, to hear the stories and maybe someday also tell her own.

_That's right. Do what you can do best and stop challenging the impact of your memories. They might collapse on you and reveal what kind of mess there is under that suit. _

_

She couldn't fall asleep after coming back from Dodo's hotel room, so she worked instead, filled out forms to apply for funding and wrote explanation letters until the first lights in the museum turned on and she was surrounded by people again. The time went by fast when there was something to do and Wonhee knew it better than anybody else. She was the best when it came to enduring while being unable to run away.

Her alarm rang, and she forced her gaze away from the beautiful artwork that an artist had sent them. She loved the shapes, but unfortunately, she had to go to make sure that her childhood friend, the one with the palette of a thousand colors had a story to tell. A story that she wasn't able to tell herself because she didn't have any means.

Picking up her blue bag, she walked down, past the art that Dodo painted on the ground floor and that she had to explain to the old man in charge of janitorial services, who didn't understand why someone would draw on perfectly clean concrete floors. Wonhee couldn't wait for the whole thing to be covered in Dodo, so she could come to work every day and see her in all shapes and colors, even when the person was gone.

The ride to the hotel was a short one as the traffic wasn't as bad. Parking right in the front of the building, she walked in, making noise with her brown boots that she wore to match the yellow dress that she picked in the morning hours. Her reflection in the elevator mirror told her that she looked good today despite continuously making mistakes in her private life and not sleeping during the night. She felt different when she arrived at the door. Different from the last time she had come here.

_Because you are thinking clearly. _

This time it took longer, and she heard something suspiciously close to a bucket falling over, followed by quiet cursing. Steps sounded, and Dodo ripped the door open, wearing a short black dress with a single red dot on it, right on her chest. It was tiny, but Wonhee's attention was immediately drawn towards it.

This time the artist hadn't painted her legs and there were two simple sneakers on her feet, a little roughed up like they had a long and adventurous life.

"Hi," the brown-haired woman muttered and glanced inside the hotel room where a bucket of green paint was seeping over the wooden floors. "Do you guys have insurance for shit like that or does one have to pay with sexual favors?"

"Sexual favors are not a payment method. Ask Dior. She'd give you a lecture if she didn't hate you." Wonhee walked in and stared at the mess on the floor. "I'll tell them to take care of it on our way out. I want to take you to a unique meetup that I organize regularly. It might help with the stories that you want to tell. It's different from the refuge, but also similar in a way. My car is downstairs."

"Fine," Dodo remarked and dipped the tips of her sneakers into the bright green. It didn't seem arbitrary, but rather like she had a particular form in mind, doing it repeatedly until a pattern became visible. Grabbing a simple black bag that she stuffed some basic things into, the brown-haired woman followed her to the door. Wonhee realized that Dodo never carried anything around with her usually, nothing beyond paint and brushes. "I guess I understand your best friend. After all, I kind of hate myself too."

_Why? _

"She hates you because she doesn't know you. There's nothing to hate about you, only to love. I've been in love with you before, so stop the self-loathing. There's no point." Wonhee held the door open and waited until Dodo walked past before following the tall woman to the elevator.

There was no reply to her comment apart from a shrug and big eyes that kept staring at the green pattern on her sneakers.

"I'm guessing you couldn't fall asleep," Dodo commented eventually and played with her long hair, wrapping it around her finger repeatedly until they arrived at the lobby.

"Yeah, the regrets were no joke." She walked to the counter and asked the hotel staff to take care of the paint in Dodo's room, paid for another two weeks with her credit card and turned around, walking towards the exit.

"You regret it?" Dodo's voice sounded different, but the other woman was walking behind her, so she couldn't see her face. Once they got to the car, Dodo slipped into the passenger seat on the left and closed her eyes, sinking against the backrest.

"Not the decision to stay and comfort you. Everything else. But I'm grown up, I'll learn from my mistakes and make different ones." Sighing, Wonhee turned on the engine and drove onto the main street.

"Mmh," Dodo hummed and kept her eyes closed while her hand remained still on each side of her narrow hips. "I regret nothing apart from my inability to make you feel better. I must feel like a black hole, sucking everything up and not giving anything in return."

"Bullshit. I just don't want to use your vulnerability and the fact that you feel bad to act on my own wishes and possibly give you associations instead of comfort. My brain is a pile of shit when it's night and you're next to me." She focused on the traffic and skillfully avoided an idiot trying to overtake her from the left.

"You're not. Even when I don't feel bad I want you next to me, so you weren't taking advantage of anything. A person that takes advantage of others does it differently, trust me." Dodo sighed and reached out to stroke over her thigh, moving up to her dress before slipping down and remaining on her knee. "I'm happy you stayed. I just wish I could make you feel at ease too."

"You don't have any responsibility for me and not everybody can provide comfort, Dodo. Sometimes people are busy with themselves and not able to do emotional labor. It's valid and fine. You can't expect someone to take care of your problems. You know it yourself, you said nobody cared. One should care, but one doesn't have to take care of it, do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, but what if I want to and don't know how?"

"If you don't know, you have the opportunity to ask. But then rejection can happen. Most people are afraid of that and don't make the attempt because it might be that the person doesn't want to be comforted or doesn't want to be comforted by you." She parked next to the familiar cafe with the blue flowers drawn all over the walls and turned off the engine.

Dodo nodded and jumped out, taking her bag along. She could feel the other woman's eyes on her as she climbed out and made her way towards the entrance.

"Then I will wait for the right opportunity," the low voice murmured before Dodo stroked over her shoulder and followed her inside.

_You're afraid of her comfort, aren't you? _

She ignored the thought and replaced it with a smile, eyes meeting many familiar faces. Wonhee was immediately greeted and surrounded by a few of her previous partners and acquaintances and she turned around to look for Dodo, wrapping her fingers around the slim wrist and pulling her close.

"I came with a guest. This is LiFa, she's an artist and is going to do the main female art project at the Tate. I wanted to bring her along because there's always a lot of knowledge one can take from here. I hope it's okay." There were smiles, nods, and jokes and she locked eyes with the beautiful woman called Susanna who she dated a year ago. She was still breathtaking.

Turning to Dodo, she leaned in and thankfully didn't have to stand on her tiptoes as the heels were enough to reach the small, curled ear.

"It's a very special place. Women come here when they want to listen or talk to each other about experiencing domestic or sexual violence, independent of sexual orientation. Sometimes there are lesbians who don't understand why bisexual women, for example, are traumatized by certain experiences and it helps them get an idea and be more empathic. In general, the refuge was a place of silence, whereas this is a place to talk."

"Women can also be abusive," Dodo muttered, but nodded slowly, meeting the eyes of the other people that were present. "Thank you for allowing me to join."

"Of course, they can. This is not a place to bully men. It's a place where women can talk to each other and share experiences and gain mutual understanding. Exactly from that perspective you mentioned. The most important part, I think, is to understand that the bad and traumatic things that might have happened to you are not because of you and are not your fault. Susanna, for example… " she glanced at the black-haired woman with braids,"... Susanna is a psychologist and I asked her whether she would be interested in coming to the meetings to give a little support from the professional side. It was even before we were dating, so this project is already two years old and very successful in my eyes."

Again, Dodo nodded, but Wonhee knew the other woman's facial expressions well enough to be able to tell that she rarely joined such discussions, if ever. There was distance in the big brown eyes that built up almost instantly even though Dodo smiled and nodded along with everything that was said.

"There's a small room with a couch that you can use if you feel like it's too much. Don't worry, it's okay." Wonhee pointed at the blue door and turned to Susanna, smiling. Stepping forward she hugged her ex-girlfriend tightly. They haven't seen each other for quite some time and it always felt nice to learn new things from people who she hadn't talked to for a long time. The tall woman told her about a new project and that she had a girlfriend for seven months and was happy, biting her lip at Wonhee's comment that she enjoyed being in a relationship with work. The dark fingers caressed her shoulder throughout their talk, as if to comfort her. She must've looked as if she needed it.

After some time passed, and Wonhee talked to everybody, she looked for Dodo. The brown-haired haired woman was mostly listening, legs crossed and hands playing with the seam of her short dress. She hadn't spoken a single word since they settled into conversation at the table and mainly observed her, big eyes focused on her face. As so often she couldn't tell what the artist was thinking. Her features didn't reveal anything, similar to the way she had looked when they met to discuss art.

_You're strangers, aren't you? _

They were covered by ten years of nothing, and only in the night, magically, the heavy curtain lifted, and they were able to see each other, touch each other and continue where they stopped. For a moment. A hallucination. A lie.

Wonhee took the coffee that the owner brought in a beautiful hand-painted cup and sat a few meters away, watching Dodo like an art piece, trying to look for the details nobody else could see.

The longer she observed, the more obvious the tension in the lean body became, the way Dodo barely moved and kept her hands tugging at her dress. At first, it had seemed nonchalant, like there was nothing that could touch the artist, but the paleness of her fingers and the tightly shut lips told a different story. She didn't think that the artist would be uncomfortable. Not here. She was more aware while visiting the refuge, but the rising discomfort showed, and she placed the cup on the table, walked over and wrapped her fingers around the slim wrist.

"Do you have a spare minute for me?" she asked casually and pulled Dodo to her feet, tugging her along to the tiny room with a grey couch. As soon as they were alone, Wonhee looked up at the big brown eyes. "Are you okay, Dodo?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" the low voice replied as the other woman took a deep breath. "I merely don't see why you brought me here. It's not a place to observe, it is a place to participate and I have nothing to share."

"I have nothing to share and I don't want to share anything are two different things. If you don't want to participate, you don't have to, but it's a very intense experience that I wanted to give you the opportunity to see. It's fine if you don't want to use it. We can leave. I'll drive you home." Wonhee turned around and reached for the handle, pushing it down and waiting for Dodo to move so that she could open the door.

"I'm not sure you understand." The tall woman remained on the couch and tugged at her dress, trying to pull it lower even though she never cared whether anybody could see her underwear. "These women have experienced something, but they deal with it. There is something apart from that experience that they look forward to, that they enjoy and that matters to them. I'm not somebody like that. For me, it remains at the bottom of a well because there simply is nothing else. There are only my childhood memories and this, Wonhee. I can't let it get to the surface."

She shut the door with a loud noise and turned around, feeling angry.

"You left to experience things, why the fuck are you here after ten years, telling me that there is nothing? I felt like a dead body, persuading myself that that's what you wanted, that you wanted to leave me to gain something else. Why the fuck are you telling me that there's nothing now, Dodo? It's ridiculous." She felt her fingers shaking and crossed her arms to hide it, lips pulled into her mouth because they would've been trembling otherwise.

"Because whatever the fuck I was trying to find, I didn't find it." Dodo looked up, swallowing down her next words as the detached demeanor dropped as soon as they were alone, showing teeth that nibbled on a soft cheek and the attempt to glance away. "Everything that happened after I left is something I buried. I don't talk about it because there is nothing else. If you want Dodo then there is just that, everything else is merely art and other people's stories. It's what I survive on while keeping the rest far from the surface. You brought LiFa, but these people want Dodo."

"That's your expectation. They don't expect anything from you because there are also people who listen, not only people who talk. There is something that I struggle to understand. You were offended that I pretended not to know you and at the same time you are telling me there is nothing and you have nothing to share. You know that it doesn't make sense, right? You wanted me to know you, Dodo, but how do you want me to do that if I know nothing apart from my own mess that your departure left?" She felt strange standing in the tiny room only a few centimeters away from the brown-haired woman on the couch and still, it felt like oceans.

"There is nothing apart from what you know, Wonhee. The only bit of me that still feels like it's somehow there is what you remember. I wanted you to know me because you are the only person who can. Shit, I'm sorry, it must sound so selfish again." Dodo covered her mouth with her palm, muffling any sound she might have produced and inhaled through her nose with her eyes tightly shut. "You are the only person who can know me because you're the only one who ever did. When I'm next to you I feel like myself and not a shadow of what was once there. I can't talk about what happened to me without making a shadow of myself, not in front of people that know nothing about me."

Wonhee uncrossed her arms helplessly, overwhelmed by the turmoil in her chest. Inhaling sharply, she stairs forward, climbed on top of Dodo's lap and grabbed her small face with both palms.

_You crazy bitch._

"What is it? What do you want? What do you want from me, Dodo? Tell me so that I understand, draw me a picture, kiss me, I don't care, just fucking do it, I'm going insane."

Dodo's eyes widened but warm arms instantly wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer.

"I- I want you to bring out the piece of me that was once there, the person I was before I left," the plump lips whispered, only millimeters away from her own as the pretty face came closer and she felt the touch of a warm mouth on top of hers. Her eyes fluttered shut at the intense sensation and she kept them closed, breathing through her nose, hands relaxing against Dodo's cheeks.

"But you're here. All the colors are here," she whispered. "Why can't you see?" Her eyes opened, and she leaned forward, covering Dodo's plump mouth with her own like a hypocrite. She didn't want to give associations, but in the end, she was the one who had them. The one who needed them and longed for them when she felt like this.

"There's too much blackness, Wonhee. I'm merely trying to cover the outer edges with color, but I can't replace it." Dodo kissed back, only pausing to whisper her reply against her lips, hands stroking over her back and waist. "I will paint it for you, so you can finally see it."

"Show me your blackness and I'll take you down to the dark place," she whispered with a smile, feeling her skin tingle and the pain in her chest at how similar it sounded. "You asked about comfort," she murmured and licked over the plump lips. "Right now, I'm shamelessly comforting myself."

Dodo pulled her closer towards her chest, arranging her knees on each side of her narrow hips and kissed her again. The plump lips were like a cloud, brushing over hers and nibbling on her jaw as they traveled to her neck.

"Then let me be the one to comfort you. Show me the dark place, Wonhee. I want to see it if you let me."

"This is not a one-way thing. I will only show you if you show me. I will not open the door for you to dance over all boundaries and leave. Give me something too. Give me your blackness," Wonhee hissed, leaning back a little and staring right into Dodo's big eyes. "I can see all your colors, but maybe I need to see the black so that I can finally understand you."

Meeting her gaze, Dodo nodded slowly, big eyes focused and lips trembling slightly.

"I'll show you," the brown-haired woman whispered. "Maybe you can reach what I've never been able to."

"You beautiful human, fuck," she cursed and leaned forward, tasting the other woman's mouth that was addicting. It really felt like she needed it, even if it would be taken away, gone, right now she felt the kiss with every cell of her body, hands moving away from the smooth cheeks and sinking into the long hair.

Dodo gasped and followed the motion that her hands indicated by tugging on the brown hair. The tall woman's big palms stroked over her hips and traveled over her thighs, sliding up and down in a caressing motion.

"You feel perfect, Wonhee," those plump lips whispered against her mouth before placing kisses along her neck again, golden skin contrasting with her own. "Let me take care of you too."

She didn't say it, but Dodo was the perfect one. colorful, shining from the inside and able to live with the number of terrible experiences that she hinted at. Wonhee was just lonely in comparison. Lonely, colorless and persistent enough to survive. Like a woodlouse.

She gasped at the touches, feeling heat in her cheeks that mixed into the mess that was her emotions. Her body burned and so did her chest, it was hard to determine the point at which the pain turned into the burning that didn't hurt as much.

"Funny, how you always catch me showing weakness. I don't know how you do that," she whispered, head thrown back and hands tightening on Dodo's bony shoulders.

“The same way you manage to pull all the colors to the surface, just for you to see,” the other woman replied and held onto her hips as she kissed along her jugular towards her collarbone, closing her plump lips around it briefly. One of Dodo’s warm palms traveled upwards from her hips to her neck and hair, entangling her fingers with the black strands.

If 'making out with an artist friend in a silent room of a cafe' sounded like Wonhee, 'kissing a straight childhood friend in a public place because you needed comfort' didn't sound like her at all. It wasn't only kissing, it was her turning into the color she was wearing, a burning yellow and she felt addicted to the feeling, asking herself whether it had been the reason for longing for Dodo all those years.

"You might have been a crazy bitch, but it seems as if the roles have switched," she murmured, licking her lips and forcing air to enter her lungs.

“You just never dared to be crazy. I don’t think there should be anybody who’s holding you back anymore.” Her childhood friend smiled and licked over her collarbone before looking up and doing the same with her lips, kissing her right after. “No matter what, you are always so sweet. Like honey.”

"Actually, I'm bitter. You didn't taste me yet," she said, attempting to calm down. Being with Dodo was like taking drugs without being aware, breathing it in and acting crazy in the next moment.

“Will you let me?” Again, Dodo licked over her lips, but this time the big brown eyes remained opened and focused on her while fingertips massaged along her scalp, as if the other woman knew where she needed to touch to make it feel relaxing, while her kisses were everything but.

"Let you do what? Taste my bitterness? Feel free," she remarked while her fingers stopped at Dodo's neck, feeling her heartbeat hammer against her fingertips.

“And how?” The brown-haired woman leaned in again and exhaled against her lips. “Your lips are always sweet to me, no matter what you do.” Stretching out her tongue, Dodo licked over the shell of her ear before kissing that too. “And so is the rest of you.”

"I don't know. Be nice to me and then hurt me?" Wonhee chuckled and took the other woman's round chin between her thumb and index finger, lifting it and leaning in to place an open-mouthed kiss on those gorgeous plump lips. "Let's go back, my brain has turned into a pile of shit again." Sighing, she pulled at her dress that barely covered her thighs and slipped down from Dodo's lap.

The other woman licked over her lips as if savoring what remained of the kiss and got up as well, mindlessly tugging at her short dress, but not bothering too much.

“No need to cover your thighs. They are luscious,” Dodo remarked and pinched the area right below her behind with a grin. “I’m sorry for not being myself, but it’s difficult if it’s anybody but you.”

She narrowed her gaze, asking herself where Dodo got the courage to act all playful with her. Turning around, Wonhee wrapped one arm around the other woman's waist and pulled her against her lower body, one thigh slipping between her legs and fingers tracing the curve of her perky butt. She licked her lips along with the motion of her hand. Arriving at the transition to Dodo's firm thighs, Wonhee took a slightly different path back, still pulling the slim woman flush against her body.

"Who knows, maybe you will start being awkward around me," she whispered against Dodo's parted lips and winked before letting go in a smooth motion as if nothing ever happened.

The gasp that had tickled her lips was enough to know that the sudden touch had an effect on the other woman. It took a few moments until she felt Dodo’s warm palm on her shoulder and a kiss on her cheek.

“You’re the only one that I feel at ease with. I’d rather be myself around you.” The brown-haired woman was smiling, and it didn’t seem playful, but genuine instead. “Although you did surprise me just now. I'll give you that.”

"Because it's a part of me you're not familiar with. You can be yourself around me. You can be whoever you like around me, I see your colors independent of what you do." She smiled back, feeling the warmth spread inside her chest.

"I missed you," she whispered, leaving the small room and the world where there was just her and the inspiring woman with long hair, who had all the colors in the world.


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 30th of November at 2 PM CET.  
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Her feet looked yellow from the light of the bedside lamp as she let them dangle from the edge. When she had been younger, it really was dangling because her toes weren't able to reach the floor, but that time was long over.

Sighing she rubbed the freshly cleaned wood and wondered how much effort the hotel had invested into removing the green paint. It must have been tiring, especially since she used paint that stained.

The perpetrator was still standing next to the bed in small buckets, just the right size to take along in case she wanted to create something outside. She did, but it wasn't quite the time yet. Late-night was what Dodo waited for, sitting on her bed and observing her own long legs.

There was no paint on them because she knew there would be something else to paint soon, something that she had wanted to share for a long time but never had the opportunity to.

_You only wanted to share it with her, that's why you couldn’t._

The night was the time that Wonhee let go, the time when the carefully constructed person that was the director of a famous museum turned into a woman with short black hair and a preference for blue light at her apartment. This was the time that Dodo was aiming for, the possibility to see her childhood friend again in a setting that was more intimate.

_So, kissing in the side room of a cafe isn't intimate?_

It was, but at the same time, she couldn't compare it to the times when the two of them embraced at night. It had only been a few days, but she already missed the presence of the other woman next to her, the softness of her body and the warmth of her touch. Dodo felt safe next to her childhood friend and she wanted to explain herself, to explain the blackness she had told Wonhee about.

_You also want to see the dark place she talked about._

When the clock on her night table showed 11 PM, she finally got up and opened her wardrobe. There wasn't much because she didn't own much. Everything special about the clothes she created herself. Sometimes she simply painted on her body instead of clothes when there were none available. She was good enough at it to make it believable. As long as there was underwear everything else was easy.

This time she didn't bother wearing a bra as she planned on taking it off anyway and pulled a simple pair of black panties over her behind. There was so much space between her thighs and she placed both of her palms in between with a frown. It was her way to check whether she was sufficiently healthy and taking care of herself.

Maybe she wasn't eating enough. She couldn't even remember the last time she had her period and that usually happened when she let herself go too much. When there was no routine, taking care of oneself was unimaginably difficult.

_Just wear something simple. It's Wonhee, you don't need to present the message, you'll draw it._

Despite knowing that, Dodo still grabbed an oversized t-shirt that she had used to pretend to be a man and chose one of her smaller brushes. Opening her non-permanent paint, she dipped the brush into a few of the brighter colors and applied them right to the area above her chest. That was how she imagined it inside of her, only that all the remaining space had been filled by something else.

_You should leave, or you'll wake her up._

Tugging the edges of the t-shirt low enough to vaguely qualify as a dress, she grabbed her room key that she stuffed into the side of her underwear and several buckets of paint with three brushes. She didn't know where she was going to paint yet, but it was about her, so maybe her body was the best canvas for once.

The trip to Wonhee's apartment was easier than she thought. The hotel called her a taxi and even though she wasn't wearing shoes or pants and resembled a ghost in a white shirt, the taxi driver didn't comment on it.

Dodo's fingers were tingling when she finally reached the right apartment block. Taking a taxi felt wasteful after living in poverty for so long, but the knowledge that she was about to see her childhood friend cheered her up. Licking over her lips and preparing herself for the sight, she finally arrived in front of the door and rang the bell.

Her mind instantly provided her with possibilities of how Wonhee could look, what she might be wearing. Maybe the black-haired woman was wearing one of her nightgowns again, the ones that emphasized her curves or maybe she was still dressed and hadn't been ready to go to bed. Whatever it was, Dodo hoped that she would accept her intruding in her private space.

She heard naked feet, before the door opened and Wonhee’s voice sounded immediately without a delay.

“I told you I will be fine. You didn’t have to come all the way here…” The voice quieted down as soon as the short woman saw her. Wonhee was wearing a white towel around her chest, wet hair hanging into her black eyes and pink cheeks looking healthy and beautiful. “Oh… Dodo.”

_She was expecting somebody else._

There weren't many options that came to mind when Dodo tried to imagine somebody who would be concerned about Wonhee and come all the way to her apartment at night. She could only think of one person apart from herself.

"I assume you were expecting Dior," she murmured and rubbed her feet on the small carpet in front of the door. They were dirty, and she hadn't thought about that when she ditched wearing shoes. "I'm sorry to disappoint."

“You are wrong. It wasn’t an expectation, but an explanation. I talked to her on the phone about half an hour ago and she was worried, that’s why it made sense that it would be her. But on the bright side, now I don’t have to act as if I can sleep.” Wonhee winked and let the door fall shut. “Did something happen?”

_She pretends to be okay in front of her best friend? _

"No, I just wanted to see you." _And show her something_. Her right hand held onto her painting material while she used the left to remain stable while she kept rubbing her soles over the rough carpet. She couldn't get her mind off the fact that if Dior was worried there might have been a reason for it, but Dodo didn't know anything. She wasn't the person that Wonhee shared her concerns with anymore. "You look lovely. The healthy color on your cheeks is adorable. Makes you look fifteen."

Her eyes observed Wonhee and the white towel that ended right below her butt. The black-haired woman hadn't dried her hair yet and some drops fell on her shoulders before traveling towards the towel.

“You wanted to see me to tell me that I look like a teenager? Thank you,” the pleasant voice said full of sarcasm as the short woman turned around and walked towards her bedroom, probably to get dressed.

"I said you look young, healthy and beautiful. The color of your cheeks reminded me of when we went to the sea on a Thursday because I convinced you despite school on Friday. The weather there also made your cheeks look like that." Dodo followed and resisted the urge to wrap her arms around the other woman already and preferably also pull that towel down. Wonhee looked gorgeous in it, but somehow, she wanted to paint the other woman's body, emphasize the curves and turn her into the night sky. "But actually, I wanted to see you to paint something for you."

Wonhee stood in front of her wardrobe unmoving before the lights turned off completely and left them in the darkness. “You wanted to paint something for me?” Wonhee asked shortly before the blue lights turned on, showing Wonhee’s figure, towel dropped to the floor and reaching for the wardrobe door to pick something else to wear.

_This is the reason you came: to see her in the blue lights and to comfort her if you can._

"Wait," she whispered, eyes getting used to the dimmed light and fingers tingling with the urge to reach out and touch the black-haired woman with a brush. "Don't dress yet."

“What? Why?” Wonhee took her hand back and stood in place, looking at her over her shoulder.

She stepped closer, still holding on to her painting material and reached out, fingers carefully brushing along the beautiful woman's shoulder and tracing her shoulder blades. Wonhee had soft skin and it was easy to imagine the way colors would look on her body. The image alone took her breath away, but she didn't know if she was allowed to.

_You came to paint for her, but now you want to turn her into the night sky instead._

"May I paint on your skin?" she asked and placed a brief kiss behind the protruding ear.

“I don’t know. Do you want to? Am I a good canvas? But then you also paint walls and floors.” Wonhee glanced at the spot where she had left a painting before. It was still there. “Maybe you can also color the faded flowers.”

"It's not about that."

She carefully held onto Wonhee's shoulders and turned her, revealing the woman's full breasts and some of Dodo's favorite moles. There was the one right next to the black-haired woman's navel that she had enjoyed kissing back then. Her eyes travelled to Wonhee's side, to the spot where they shared a tattoo.

Instead of the pitch-black lines that painted her side, there were light grey ones, undefined and not comparable. She couldn’t even recognize the flowers well.

"I didn't realize before," she murmured and let her index finger slide along the lines. "Was it on purpose?"

“I guess it was something like my last resort. I thought if my mind can’t handle it, my body will have to do the job and if there is nothing left that reminds me of you I will eventually stop. It was a very childish, but at the same time a very desperate thought.” Wonhee glanced at the index finger that touched her faded tattoo and Dodo could see goosebumps develop on the pale skin.

_She was trying to remove a reminder of pain._

"I understand." She nodded and sank to her knees to be able to reach the spot with her lips, tracing where she remembered the black lines to be. They were almost invisible, but she could have drawn them with her eyes closed if Wonhee wanted her too. "To me it was always a way to remember that I am not only what is happening to me. That's why I felt like I broke with the line that was cut through it. But to you it must have been so much pain. Would you like me to draw it for you or would you prefer to forget?"

_But how could she forget if you are right here, next to her? It's only black paint that never stays. You should know that better than anybody._

A quiet chuckle followed, and she could see Wonhee's hands curl into fists. “I told you it was childish. I still remember every single thing. Sometimes when I haven’t slept much, it seems as if I’m just trying to forget the fact that you left for a reason. But I must function and there’s no space for mourning after a teenage crush, so I simply tried whatever helped. Until now the blue light in the night is the most effective. I can separate it well. I could.”

Dodo chewed on her cheek, finally seeing the bitterness that Wonhee must have meant. It seemed like an attempt to protect herself, to establish distance between her and whatever was able to hurt her. Unfortunately, that also included Dodo.

_But you came because for once you want to be there when she's covered by blue light and can't sleep._

"Do you mind my presence?" she asked instead of commenting and kissed the spot again, this time with an arm wrapped around Wonhee's waist. The black-haired woman was so beautiful, even when she pretended to be strong and untouchable. "I want to turn you into the night sky, Wonhee."

"Mind? No. I wouldn't have let you inside." For a while there was nothing before the naked woman lifted her hand and stroked over her hair. "The night sky? It's black."

"Not when you're outside of the city." Dodo smiled because she understood that the sky rarely looked the way she remembered it, especially not in big cities like London. "Let me show you what it really looks like. I'd like to paint it on your body. I- haven't stopped thinking about it since you opened the door."

She got up and wrapped her arms around the shorter woman, stroking over her wet hair and hoping that the embrace was just as nice for her. Her fingers were still tingling and the warmth that emanated from Wonhee's body was addicting. Dodo wanted to abandon her own shirt and wrap herself around the other woman, to make her smile like she had at the cafe.

"Mhm. Do it." There was something different about the Wonhee under the blue light. She talked less, and it seemed as if there was so much more going on behind those black eyes. So many things that she didn't know and couldn't predict.

_Maybe this is the vulnerability she talked about. She's herself in the blue light, so she has to be more careful, just like you are trying to keep the sea at bay._

"You can lie down somewhere comfortable at first. The paint dries quickly," she whispered and kneeled on the ground again, this time for her paint that she prepared in addition to her brushes. She needed many tones of blue and she mixed the ones she didn't have, preparing to show Wonhee how bright the night sky really was. Dodo couldn't wait to paint the smooth curves and touch the soft skin with a brush.

Wonhee didn't move away, instead she took the towel and spread it on the floor, before laying on top of it and staring at the ceiling.

"The black ceiling is calming," Dodo commented as she finished mixing the background color that she was going to cover most of Wonhee's body with. The ceiling was the first thing she noticed while lying on the other woman's bed. "Tell me if it's ticklish."

She smiled because the mere fact that she was allowed to paint something that she associated with the black-haired woman made her happy. It wasn't a given, but she hoped that Wonhee enjoyed it as much as she did, the process of becoming something else, forgetting oneself for a moment.

It was just for a few moments, but not looking like oneself could be calming and frightening at the same time.

"I enjoy painting myself because for a short moment I can forget who I am," she explained and lifted her brush to Wonhee's pale arm, painting it a deep blue color. When Dodo painted herself, she wasn't Dodo anymore.

"I never forget who I am," Wonhee whispered and closed her eyes, keeping them shut as she painted. Dodo could see the goosebumps, probably as the paint was cold, but the other woman kept her body completely still.

"Because you don't want to or because you aren't able to?" She continued painting the other woman's skin but leaned in to kiss her soft stomach. She had always loved doing that, enjoying the sensation against her lips. "You're breathtaking, Wonhee. To me you are the real work of art."

The kiss got her the woman's attention for a few moments, but there was no elaborate response, as the round eyes closed again. She didn't comment on Dodo's compliment. "Because I'm not able to."

She hummed because Wonhee wouldn't have been able to see a nod. She could understand that too, after all, orgasm had been her only escape for a while, the only few seconds during which she really thought nothing at all.

_Maybe you could make it possible for her, at least for a moment. Take away the image that she's used to seeing in the mirror._

Kissing the soft skin again, she returned her attention to the paint, covering Wonhee's arms and stomach in it before she continued with the gorgeous breasts. The tip of her brush was careful as she applied a lighter color around the other woman's nipple. Dodo wanted to paint a galaxy across the curvy upper body.

There was a lack of motion in Wonhee's chest, the beautiful woman was holding her breath.

"It's fine, you can breathe. It won't disturb me," she whispered and let her brush dance over the hardened nipple, enjoying the way the other woman's muscles tensed and she gasped.

"I know," Wonhee breathed out and held her breath again.

_So, it's not because of that? _

She repeated the same rubbing motion again even though it wasn't necessary, using the brush to dance around the hardened bud and paint it a lighter shade of blue at the same time.

"Does this feel good?"

"Yes. Are you going to make my nipple the night sky?" Wonhee asked, lifting one eyebrow and exhaling sharply.

"No, but I'm going to make it part of a galaxy," she replied with a smile and moved on to the other breast, painting the curve before brushing over the nipple again. Knowing that the black-haired woman enjoyed it made her want to use her hands to stroke over her body and see if she liked it just as much. A brush was the extension of her, but somehow it didn't feel like enough with the woman in front of her.

The curved lips parted and released a silent gasp that she couldn't hear but very well see. "Oh, a galaxy. You're indeed making me into something that I'm not."

"You are, you just can't see it," she quoted the other woman's words back at her and leaned in to press a soft kiss to her lips. She didn't know why she did that and why exactly at the moment, but it felt right somehow. Returning her attention to her artwork, she continued with the other woman's groin, carefully lifting up her right leg to have better access. The curves were perfect to add depth, to show the limitlessness of the sky while applying it to a body that had limits.

"I'll mostly paint the surfaces, but also the insides of your thighs," she explained and got to work, adding color to the stunning legs and hairless middle of Wonhee's body. Everything about her seemed taken care of, smooth and perfect. Dodo felt almost too rough to touch her.

"Whatever you like," Wonhee replied and lifted one of her legs to give her better access, easily holding it in the air.

"You make me want to cover your body in kisses, but I'm supposed to paint it." She chuckled, but kissed the stretched-out leg anyway, lips moving from the inner thigh to the knee until she replaced them with her brush. There wasn't much left to do once the woman's legs were part of the piece of art. Only gorgeous details remained, showing Wonhee that the night sky was everything but black.

"You want to kiss my body? Why? Because there's color on it?" Wonhee chuckled and opened her eyes, watching her intently.

"No, I want to kiss it independent of the color." She lifted Wonhee's foot to her lips and kissed each toe before painting them blue. There was almost no patch of white skin left, only the woman's face and neck. Moving up, she kissed the delicate neck, inhaling the expensive scent she had experienced before. The longer she painted, the more it became a pattern to kiss the skin she painted, to touch it with her lips before allowing her brush to grace it.

Leaning over Wonhee's round face, she observed the curved lips and pointy nose, the form of her eyes. The black-haired woman was staring back at her, dark eyes taking in her features.

"Would you close your eyes?" she asked softly before leaning in and kissing those soft lips. It felt natural like she was meant to kiss them. Nothing else that she experienced with another person could compare to the way it felt when she kissed Wonhee.

Humming softly, Wonhee let her eyes flutter shut, visibly relaxing as soon as their lips touched. The warm mouth parted, and she felt a soft exhale against her lips, taking in the scent of toothpaste and something else that was inherently the beautiful woman’s.

Dodo should have continued painting, but she basked in the moment for a little longer, stroking over Wonhee's face as they kissed and loving how the touch of her lips was able to make the black-haired woman relax. Adding another kiss to the tip of her nose and each eye, she finally allowed more distance and began to paint. She started with the other woman's cheeks and nose, before covering her forehead and eyelids. Last, she painted the soft lips, simply because she wanted to kiss them again before they were covered in paint.

"You're the perfect night sky," she whispered and stroked over the pitch-black hair. "Would you turn around for me? I'd like to add the stars and the moon to your back."

Wonhee nodded and turned to the side that was dry, emphasizing the curvy physique and the silhouette that showed her waist and round hips. Dodo couldn't resist and reached out, letting her fingertips travel over the milky skin, careful to not apply too much pressure. She could imagine it so well, the dark blue and each star that was going to grace the other woman's back. The curved behind was perfect for the moon, located at the top and adding light to the rest of the night sky, reflecting the sun.

Inhaling softly, she began to paint, covering the gorgeous back in color and using the other woman's shoulder blades to create depth that extended beyond them. Her lips tingled when she reached Wonhee's waist, so she dared to lean in and kiss the delicate skin, tracing it all the way to the other woman's behind.

"You're breathtaking," she murmured as she added the finishing touches and painted a bright moon on the curve of Wonhee's hips. Dodo didn't know how much time passed, but her hands were shaking a little and her heart hammered in her chest. Painting was a source of excitement for her, but rarely had she felt this way.

_Maybe because you've never painted on her, not like this._

She placed her brush next to the paint and observed the finished work, the way stars littered the gorgeous dark blue sky, shining with the moon before transforming into the milky way on the other woman's chest as she turned around to look at her. Dodo felt breathless from looking at the black-haired woman alone. The stars that emphasized her facial features made her mouth dry and she felt the urge to kiss her again, to pull her close and embrace in the blue lights.

“I feel honored that I was able to be a canvas for you,” the pleasant voice whispered as she felt the dark gaze on her. It was different. The dark color framed Wonhee’s eyes and made the look in the dark-brown eyes seem so much more intense.

"You're more than just a canvas, you're the art itself," she replied and reached out, stroking over Wonhee's black hair and brushing some of it behind the protruding ear. Why did she feel so breathless? Hadn't her goal been to show Wonhee what it's like to not be oneself? Then why was she so overwhelmed? "I painted what I saw, and this only shows me how true it is. Would you… like to see?"

Nodding slowly, Wonhee stood up, stretching a little from the rigid position and walked over to the big full-size mirror. Standing in front of it, the short woman inhaled sharply and held her breath. The silence was overwhelming, floating through the air and seeping inside her lungs before the person in front of the mirror turned and stepped so close to her that she could see the thin watery film covering the black eyes.

“Thank you for making me beautiful,” Wonhee whispered.

"I didn't make you," she replied and curled her arm around the already familiar waist, pulling the shorter woman closer. "You already are. I just turned it into something you can see, Wonhee."

Licking over her lips, she used her free hand to tug at the white oversized t-shirt she was wearing, pulling it over her head and dropping it on the floor. It felt more equal this way, her childhood friend in all her glory and her without anything hiding her anymore. Her black underwear remained on her hips and only now did she become aware of the wetness between her legs.

_Painting her is arousing to you? _

She couldn't explain it, but maybe it was the beauty, the way even the irregularities in Wonhee's body stole her breath away.

“I wish I could show you all the colors that I see, but I’m not an artist. I can only look at it by myself, being overwhelmed by its brightness and let it explode against my lips when I kiss you.” The night sky reached out for her face, tenderly stroking over her cheeks and jaw, carefully drawing the shape of her lips.

"You can pull them out, bring them to the surface, so I can paint them for you," she muttered, feeling the emotions take over her chest and making it difficult to breathe. "Can I… can I show you the blackness?"

“Yes. I want all your colors and if black is the biggest part, I want that too.” She couldn’t see it well, but it seemed as if Wonhee was smiling.

She nodded slowly and stepped aside to reach for her brush and the paint. There was no better way to show it than on herself.

Dipping the small brush into several bright colors she applied dots to her chest, right where her heart was. There were many, but they weren't big, just enough to be the size of an apple all together, a rainbow above her heart.

"This is how you always saw me," she explained and took a deep breath. "These is the colors you saw. I… saw them too, but all this colorless skin?" She gestured towards the rest of her body. "It felt empty to me like there was no way to fill it where I was. There was only this bit and emptiness. That is why I left."

_You were empty, but nobody could see it but you._

"Do you need to fill it?" Wonhee lifted both hands and reached for her arms, stroking over them towards her neck, her collarbones and over her breasts. "Do you feel anything with that emptiness you are talking about? How can it be empty if someone can hold it? Hold onto it."

_Because it's not empty anymore._

"That's not all." She sighed and lifted her brush again, dipping it into the black paint. Until now she had only used it to mix a darker blue. A pitch-black line formed on her skin, right around the colorful spot above her heart. It was like a black prison that spread out over her stomach, covered her legs and arms, everything. "This is what happened over those ten years, Wonhee. It's not the same emptiness, but… I can't replace black."

Her lips trembled, and she dipped her brush into a bright blue, swallowing as she tried to color over the black.

_You know that it's pointless, but still you keep doing it._

"I keep- I keep trying to cover it, but I can't fucking do it." Closing her eyes, she wiped over the spot with her thumb, knowing that only the black would remain. "I'm trying to return the color but there is none. There is only black, but it never drains enough to reach the core. Only you know the core, you're the only one who's ever seen it, who can tell me that it's still there. Somewhere. Please tell me that it's still there."

Her eyes felt wet and she rubbed over them with her forearm before returning the brush to its spot next to the paint. This was it. This was her secret and the reason for never being able to become art. She had filled all the emptiness with pain, there was nothing left.

Wonhee licked over her painted lips, liquifying the color and leaned forward, kissing the black she just painted on her chest. "All of it is there and maybe the black color created a contrast because it shines brighter than before. I told you, when we met again, I could see why you left because you were bright, gorgeous and so much stronger than I remembered. I want to be with you when you feel bad, Dodo. I want to keep the darkness away or sit with you in the dark, it doesn't matter, but I don't want you to think that you're alone with this."

"It feels so fucking lonely," she whispered and wrapped her arms around Wonhee's neck, leaning forward to curl her spine and rest her weight on top of her childhood friend. "I keep painting to drain the black, but it just doesn't work. It stays and sometimes I feel like there's none of me left, none at all. I only feel like myself when I'm with you. You still see it, Wonhee."

"I see it," the woman whispered, placing a kiss on the shell of her ear. "I see it and I like it so much, Dodo. I understand the loneliness well, because I wasn't able to get rid of it since you left."

"I'm so sorry," she murmured and didn't dare to let go, only tightening her embrace. "I left to gain more color, but I come back blacker than your ceiling. I don't know how to change it."

"You keep saying that you're blackness and I keep responding that you're color. We need to compromise somehow." Wonhee brushed a strand behind her ear. "Maybe I should shower. Your paint on my skin makes me think of all kinds of thoughts."

"If you shower I have nothing that stops me from covering your body in kisses," she replied, already feeling the urge to bridge the distance between them and press her own mouth against Wonhee's, that looked like part of a galaxy. "Will you let me into the dark place? I... want to comfort you too, be there when you need me."

"I let you in when I opened the door, knowing that the lights would turn off soon. I feel different when they do. I feel lonely." The black-haired woman stepped out of her embrace and turned around, walking towards the bathroom that was flowing in ice blue light, making it seem as if Wonhee's painted body had a blue aura glowing around it. As if the galaxy walked away from her.

_You cannot bear to be without it._

When the woman's bare feet touched the tiles, she turned around, looking at her. "Come with me, Dodo."

***

Stars that tingled against her skin like kisses and the careful, sometimes purposefully arousing strokes of the long brush drove her insane. She didn’t think much when Dodo suggested painting on her, on the contrary, she felt elated, thinking that she would finally feel color the way she had always wanted. Thinking that the beautiful woman, owner of the colors, might be able to make her feel it. Who would if not her?

Instead, she longed for the kisses that the artist buried under the paint as if showing her that they could only exist when there was color, somewhere under it, where no-one could see.

_You are losing your mind._

She wanted to act so badly, but it was the blue night, so she didn’t, letting Dodo show her the blackness instead. The devastation poured through the black paint, materializing as a circle on Dodo’s flat chest, surrounding the colorful dots that were nothing like the real colors, like the palette Wonhee could see when she observed the tall woman, when she focused and almost felt how the different shades escaped through the tiny cracks of her nonchalance.

She wanted to let the artist see, but she had no means to. She was simply a colorless human, acting like a night sky. A galaxy, wearing the paint as a costume and needing to take it off, to not lie to herself.

With her body covered in stars, she felt as if she really was a galaxy, as if the loneliness was something inherent to her and there was no need trying to fight it.

_Wash it off. She wanted you to take her to the dark place._

Stepping on the floor and watching her paint-covered foot touch the white tiles in the ice-blue light, Wonhee turned around and exhaled sharply, overwhelmed by the sight of the beautiful artist, who looked at her with an expression she had never seen before. One that she hadn't seen on anyone.

“Come with me, Dodo,” she whispered, fearing rejection for the first time because she was genuine.

Instead of replying, the tall woman hooked her thumbs under the fabric of her underwear and pulled it down her long legs. Dodo discarded it at the side as her long but slim feet joined her own on the tiles, big eyes focused on her.

Warm hands stroked over her shoulders and upper arms before pausing at her hips, framing them like the woman in front of her was holding something precious.

“Your touch feels different, but maybe it’s just me being a night sky,” Wonhee said and chuckled, stepping forward and at the same time longing for the cool hands on her skin. She shouldn’t have been that greedy, but again, she was desperate and lonely, blue. Turning on the shower, she waited until it was warm and stepped under it, closing her eyes.

"The disappearing paint only makes you shine brighter," Dodo whispered and rubbed along her body, helping the water to wash off the various shades of blue. The touch remained tender, stroking along her curves and lightly brushing over her breasts. Brown eyes met hers when the other woman stepped under the water and let her thumbs slide over her cheeks.

“Does it? I think it’s the lights.” Smiling, Wonhee helped wash off the paint by taking a fair bit of the orange blossom shower gel and foaming her body and face, only looking at the beautiful woman after she didn’t have any foam in her eyes.

Dodo didn't wait for her to wash the white clouds of fluff off her body and merely wrapped her slim arms around her waist, pulling her flush against her.

"It's not, the lights only emphasize what's already there." Leaning down, the tall woman kissed her mouth before touching the tip of her nose and forehead with her plump lips right after. "I want you to share the loneliness with me tonight, Wonhee."

Dodo's eyes were closed, but her hands traveled over her back and carefully followed the curve of her hips, leading her thigh slightly past the other woman's.

“You want me to share it? Maybe it can mix with your darkness and we compromise,” she whispered and took some more shower gel, carefully rubbing it in her hands before reaching out for Dodo’s prettily formed chest, feeling her ribs under her fingertips and washing away the paint.

"I'd like that." A smile spread Dodo's lips and she closed her eyes as Wonhee washed off the paint. "Usually I hate it when the paint disappears, but somehow it feels okay next to you. Like the small bit that I remember is still there because you see it."

“It is there.” Leaning forward, she licked her lips even though it wasn’t necessary with all the water surrounding them and placed a kiss between Dodo’s breasts. She let the touch linger longer and kissed the spot again because she couldn’t help it. “Right here.”

"It feels nice," the tall woman replied and exhaled softly while keeping her eyes shut. "Will you let me wash your hair? I know how to make it feel good."

“Only if you let me kiss you properly. I know how to make it feel good,” she replied, overwhelmed by the sight of Dodo’s parted lips with drops of hot water running past them. She had let her guard down, voicing her wishes even though she didn't mean to.

The big brown eyes fluttered open, focusing on her lips before reaching her gaze. Dodo nodded and leaned down, one arm wrapped around her waist and noses touching lightly. It was a yes, she knew, but the knowledge made her breath hitch and her heartbeat so much faster than she was used to in a situation like this. It didn’t make sense, not only because she should have been familiar with kisses, but also because they had kissed before. Maybe not purposefully and fully aware, but still, they did, so what was different now? Was it the light, or the warmth in her chest? Maybe both, but her mind and body longed for nothing more than to taste the tall woman.

_You wanted it since the time you cried on the street._

Wrapping one arm around Dodo’s waist, she reached for the small face with her other hand, cupping it tenderly and exhaling softly against her beautiful, thick mouth. She moved her wrist, sliding her fingers into the wet hair and finally leaning forward and connecting their lips. It wasn’t a brief kiss that only showed a moment of comfort or a silent confirmation of affection. Instead, she poured all the warmth in her chest and her desire into the warm touch of her lips, feeling her whole body respond. She pulled the tall woman closer, tasting her in a way she hadn’t been able to before and feeling as if she shared whatever it had been that hurt inside her chest a second before.

A gasp was her reward as Dodo's hands tightened on her skin, fingertips creating small dents. The tall woman's lips parted, and she returned the kiss, tilting her head to deepen it. Despite the hot water around them, goosebumps spread over Dodo's skin and she could feel the previously soft nipples harden as they pressed against her chest. Wonhee inhaled deeply as the warmth from the obvious reaction and the hot skin against hers traveled down her ribs and up her thighs. She didn’t want to be distracted by arousal, but it combined into the kiss in a natural way as she parted her mouth and savored Dodo’s luscious lips, licking over them and pulling them into her mouth.

She could tell that this level of intimacy wasn't familiar to the other woman, but the delicious mouth responded to it with vigor. Dodo's hands roamed over her body, not tightening on her hips anymore, and began to explore. She could feel fingers tracing her ribs, pressure along the muscles of her spine and an attempt to have her even closer by sliding an open palm along her thigh. The brown-haired woman's slim leg easily slipped between her legs, while a hand on her lower back kept her close.

God, Dodo was so incredibly beautiful, and it seemed as if the whole palette exploded against her lips and she could taste the colors on her tongue if she wanted to. There was too much blackness in those ten years she wasn't aware of, so she preferred to be careful, only tracing the shape of the artist's lips, before using her tongue to suck Dodo's plump upper lip into her mouth. There were no expectations. Just the taste of bright colors on her lips and the overwhelming wish to be close that overshadowed everything else.

The woman in her arms didn't show any signs of discomfort and merely gasped again, sound echoing off the shower walls as she followed along and licked over her bottom lip in return. There was nothing particular that Dodo tasted like, so it must have been herself. At some point their tongues met when she closed her eyes and couldn't see the other woman's movements anymore. The sensation made her skin tingle, but she still was satisfied with the plump lips and quick breaths that left the other woman's mouth.

Dodo didn't pull away and didn't break the kiss, but she could tell how the woman in her arms slowed it down, carefully licking into her mouth as if she was trying out, exploring what was pleasant and what wasn't. Long fingers settled in her hair and tugged slightly, changing the angle and thereby deepening the touch.

She knew that it might have been too much, so Wonhee pulled away slowly, giving the other woman a break and traveling down the warm neck, kissing it, tasting the smooth skin and letting the quick heartbeat pump against her tongue.

Dodo's breaths were quick too and she stroked over her hair and back, keeping her close.

"This feels intense," the low voice murmured, and a tremble passed through the long body when she kissed along a particular spot on the woman's neck, right above her collarbone.

"I know," Wonhee breathed out and circled the sensitive spot with the tip of her tongue before closing her lips around it and leaning back. "I kissed you and now you can wash my hair," she commented and placed the shampoo into Dodo's big palm.

_Why are you breaking it? Are you scared? _

Instead of acting immediately, the big eyes observed her. They appeared darker than Wonhee remembered them, reflecting more of the bluish light that surrounded them. The gorgeous woman glanced at the bottle in her hand and bit down on her bottom lip, pouring the liquid on her big palm.

There was a change in the expression as Dodo stepped closer and lifted her hands to her hair, making sure they weren't standing in the warm spray. Long fingers massaged along her temples and drew lines along her scalp while almost black eyes observed her intently, teeth still settled on the plump bottom lip. There wasn't much she could do, so she stared back, observing the other woman's expression, the path her eyes took while looking at her and how she played with her big lips. Sometimes she hummed when the touches against her scalp were especially relaxing, but her eyes mostly remained open, unwilling to miss a single thing.

"I want to kiss you again," Dodo whispered suddenly but didn't pause the motion of her hands, easily applying pressure and removing the feeling of heaviness Wonhee hadn't been aware of until it disappeared.

"You should just do it then," she whispered in reply, licking over her lips almost automatically.

Finally, the hands massaging her paused and slowly slipped along her neck to her shoulders. Dodo continued observing her for a few moments until the tall woman leaned down and kissed her lips again. It wasn't the brief touches from before and it wasn't quite the desire with which Wonhee had kissed her, but it spoke of more, of the wish to continue where they left off.

She let herself be kissed and responded without taking any initiative. It was cowardly, of course, it was, and she knew that it could've been easily solved if she reached between the woman's legs and made it all stop at once because that was not something that friends do. But she didn't want it to stop, so she fell into a passive role, only to be able to enjoy it a little longer.

Dodo must have realized that she barely moved, because the tall woman wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close, keeping their lips connected. When their chests touched, Dodo leaned back and applied kisses to her jaw, licking along the edges and nibbling on her neck on the way downwards. It didn't resemble the signs of affection her childhood friend had showed her before, but it also didn't cross any specific boundaries. It was typical for Dodo to make them invisible as her slim feet danced over them. But Wonhee wasn't naive to take obvious signs for curiosity and it made her feel a little bitter. Bitter and hesitant.

She hummed, still enjoying the touches and threw her head back, missing a surface that she could lean against and let go, but there was nothing to let go, so she satisfied herself with hugging the other woman's slim waist to hold on.

Glancing up briefly, Dodo met her gaze, searching for something, until she began to travel lower. Bending her knees, the tall woman covered her collarbones in kisses and continued with her chest, placing a kiss right in between her breasts. Each motion was careful as Dodo held her gaze and cupped her breast in her big palm, stroking along it before she used her lips again, pressing them to the sensitive skin of her nipple.

She moaned quietly, liking it so much, especially the way Dodo's lips felt and looked against her hard nipples. Glancing down, Wonhee bit down on her bottom lip and let both hands rest on the other woman's shoulders.

She could feel the big eyes on her as Dodo leaned forward and closed her lips around her nipple again, this time a little longer as the woman's big hand cupped her other breast, thumb brushing over the neglected bud.

_Well fuck._

She wasn't sure whether it was the artist's helpless attempt to share her loneliness, but she moaned louder this time, one hand tightening in the wet hair and heat burning along her thighs. She knew that she had to stop at some point, but right now she couldn't. Not with Dodo's lips on her boobs.

As if the other woman could tell, she kept her lips closed around the erect bud and flicked her tongue over it, doing the same with her thumb. An additional moan of hers was sufficient for Dodo to glance up. Brown eyes met hers as the tall woman stood up and took a deep breath.

"You arouse me," Dodo murmured and reached between her own legs before washing off some of the clear liquid under the spray of the shower.

_You arouse her, huh? _

Wonhee felt the need to break it because her own hesitant behavior started hurting, accompanied by the longing that she felt towards the tall woman. She leaned against the tiled wall and reached between her own legs. But instead of washing it off, she smiled and licked over her fingers before stepping out of the shower.

She didn't need to look back to know that she must have surprised the other woman, switching her face to that of big eyes and parted lips. She liked it too much, so maybe it was better that she didn't see. Who knows, maybe she would've decided to do more?

The sound of naked feet told her that Dodo slipped out of the shower too, grabbing a fresh towel from the stack and drying herself.

"I might soil your towel," the brown-haired woman murmured and dried her hair next. "I told you that it's pretty intense for me. I feel like I could shove a pole inside myself at this point."

"I can give you one. The black one." Wonhee dried herself and threw the towel into the tub. "Don't worry about the towel. I don't care."

_You care about the way she might taste._

"The black one? You have poles too?" Dodo chuckled and followed her by also throwing her towel into the bathtub. It must have taken the tall woman a moment as she brushed through her hair with her fingers, but stopped suddenly, looking up. "Are you suggesting I use one of your toys?"

"That's what _friends_ are for," she murmured, words drenched in sarcasm, before opening her wardrobe. She took the toy out of her shelf and held it in her small hand, tracing its length with the finger of her other hand. "You told me that you want to shove a pole inside yourself and I'm telling you that the black, thick one can definitely compare. It can vibrate too."

"To be fair, I said I could, I didn't say that I really wanted to," Dodo murmured, but Wonhee could see that there was a part of the brown-haired woman that toyed with the idea, cheeks gaining color and fingers fumbling with her long hair. "I don't think it'll do it for me. I usually… need very specific things to come."

_Everybody does. _

"Not to boast or anything, but I had a few partners and they all needed specific things to come, so don't think you're very demanding when it comes to that. What is it?" Wonhee distracted herself by letting the toy vibrate and moving her fingers around it absentmindedly.

Dodo sighed and covered her face with her palm for a second before crossing her arms in front of her pretty breasts, hiding her tattoo in the process.

"A dick, a finger in my ass and my own hand rubbing over my clit. Not really my choice at first, but that happened to be my situation when I orgasmed for the first time. For a while, the sound of water had also been necessary, but I managed to get rid of that part, luckily." The brown-haired woman sighed again and made her way to the bed, sitting down so that only part of her behind was on the sheets. She was probably concerned about soaking Wonhee's property.

The words burned, but not because of the content, mostly because of the way Dodo spoke, of how painful it seemed.

_God, just leave her alone. You don't need to replace her terrible hetero experiences with awesome lesbian sex. _

"Well, I had the same with one of my partners, just that it was my lips around her clit. People are very different and it's okay." She turned off the vibration and threw the toy back into the drawer. Rummaging through her shelves, she found a black silk nightgown and pulled it over her body before climbing on top of the bed. "Are you going to keep sitting there? What do you think this is? Spread your juices here as much as you like, I don't care, Dodo. It's okay."

"Sorry, people made fun of it before and it plays in my head when the situation isn't strictly people moaning because I feel good from the inside." The slim woman joined her on the bed and slipped under the blanket, taking a few deep breaths. "What do you need to orgasm?"

"I'm sorry that people made fun of it. I'm also sorry that you feel uncomfortable with me. I really don't mind any of it." Sighing, she stared at the black ceiling and recalled what it was that she needed to come, but it was mostly the same thing. "Trust, I guess. Of course, the partner needs to be familiar with female anatomy and be skilled in a way and make sure that I like what they're doing, but I need to let go to come, and I can only do that when I have enough trust."

Dodo rolled onto her stomach to be closer and observed her, long legs lifting the blanket.

"That is so different from how it is with me. I think I wouldn't be able to have sex if I needed trust. I don't trust any of the men I slept with, not a single bit, but they helped me to forget that there's just black for a while. Even if it's not for long." Chewing on her cheek, the brown-haired woman rested her head right next to her, watching her features. "You think I'm uncomfortable next to you, but I'm not. I'm just uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes."

_It's the same thing. One can be uncomfortable in one's own skin while next to somebody else. And that somebody is you._

"I understand that and it's okay. I'm still sorry about it. In my case, I don't use the intimacy with another person to get rid of something. In fact, I try to not engage in sex if I feel as if there's baggage I need to dump, but I do understand your point too. I've done it before, but I learned along the way. We all have our strategies to deal with things." The black ceiling gave her the already familiar peace of mind, reminding her that she was alone, even if there was a person next to her. It didn't change much, and the ambivalence only made it hurt more.

"For me sex was never intimate," Dodo murmured and carefully wrapped her arms around her body, one leg sliding over her thighs. "But this is."

"I'm glad that this feels intimate to you," she whispered and stroked over Dodo's leg, pulling her arm under the other woman's head to let it rest on top of it.

"It feels like you want to go to that dark place without me," the low voice breathed into her ear before a kiss was pressed to her cheek. "As if arousal is what broke the intimacy. I'm sorry if it is, I couldn't help it. You're breathtaking."

"I broke it because it felt as if I had to protect myself from you. And protect you from me." Wonhee exhaled and inhaled the needles that seemed to pierce her lungs. She didn't want to cry, why would she cry if there was no point?

"But why would you need to protect me from you, if you're the only person I want to be intimate with, Wonhee?" Dodo lifted her head and kissed her cheek softly, embracing her tenderly as if she feared hurting her, breaking something invisible. "But I understand that you feel like you need to protect yourself from me. I am sorry for making you feel this way. Would you like me to stop touching you? Does it hurt you?"

"What do you want from me, Dodo? Do you want to be my friend? Friends don't know the way you moan. Or do they?" She turned, staring right at the small face, determined to get it out of her system.

The brown-haired woman's eyes widened, but she remained in place, staring back and keeping her body wrapped around her.

"I don't know because the only friend I ever had was you, Wonhee," Dodo whispered and sucked her lips into her mouth. "I don't want to hurt you and I don't know what's going on either. I haven't felt this way before, so I'm confused as to how to act or deal with it. I'm sorry if my insecurity hurts you, it wasn't my intention." Taking a deep breath, the slim woman closed her eyes for a few seconds before meeting her gaze again. "Is there something that you want from me, Wonhee? Something that you fear I cannot give you? Or is it all just me and my attachment towards you?"

"Are you kidding me, Dodo? I spent ten years trying to get rid of my attachment. I'm confused about you. You want to be friends with me? I might agree, who knows, maybe I'll be able to, but then I'm not sure what you're trying to do. You're insecure? What I think is, that you assume that I want to fuck you because I'm a lesbian, but I want to find out how you taste because you suck on my nipples and show me how wet you are. You have all the colors and I want them next to me. You kiss me and I want that, but what do you want?" Wonhee, exhaled and climbed on top of Dodo's lap, propping up against her shoulders and leaning over. "But then again, you keep talking about dick."

"Because it's the only thing I know and I hate it." The brown-haired woman chewed on her cheek, but didn't look away, insecurity appearing on the pretty features. "You seem to know exactly what you like, even more so than back then, but nothing has changed for me, Wonhee, nothing apart from knowing that I was only able to orgasm when somebody forced themselves on me and touched the right spots. I don't want you to get close to me and think I don't like it, simply because my body is fucked up somehow. I love it when you kiss me, and I love touching you and running my hands over your body, I want it, I do. But then I get aroused and know there's nothing I can do to show you that the intimacy matters, because it just turns to sex again. Sex- it's to forget, but you're the only person I don't want to forget myself with, Wonhee. I don't know how to show you that."

"So, you don't want anything sexual? What do you want then? Hugging? We can do that, but don't lick over my nipples and expect me to be platonic with you." Licking her lips, Wonhee decided to prove a point and shifted back. She sat on Dodo's groin before leaning in and licking over the woman's nipples, circling it and sucking it into her mouth briefly while looking at the gorgeous face.

Dodo’s eyes widened, and she gasped, hands reaching out to hold onto her arms, but it didn’t seem to be an attempt to push her away. The artist was gorgeous when she felt pleasure, plump lips parting in a smooth ‘o’ and eyes becoming half-lidded the longer the sensation remained.

“This- feels really good,” the brown-haired woman murmured and let her eyes flutter shut for a moment while shifting under her. Big orbs settled on her face again as Dodo stroked over her arms and paused at her waist, brushing her fingers over her silk nightgown and pulling it up her thighs as a side effect. “I don’t mind the sexual, Wonhee. I just don’t want to disappoint and hurt you without meaning to. I am unsure whether I am somebody who can provide you with what you need. I neither have the skills nor do I know if you trust me. I enjoy the intimacy and I don’t need an orgasm to be close to you, but I don’t know if you feel the same.”

"You don't need an orgasm, but a pole? You confuse me so much, you have no idea. I'm borderline between eating you out and throwing you out." Wonhee groaned and leaned down again, playing with Dodo's tiny nipple, imagining that it calmed her down. "I enjoy every fucking touch that you bless me with, but I don't want to, if you don't mean it."

Dodo gasped again and buried her long fingers in her sides, applying more pressure than was strictly necessary. The brown-haired woman shook her head quickly, but Wonhee couldn’t tell what exactly she was denying.

“The thing with the pole- god, Wonhee. That was my way of jokingly saying that I’m really wet. It doesn’t mean I actually want that. It hurts.” Moaning softly and letting her eyes flutter shut, Dodo reached for her hair, entangling her long fingers with it and tugging lightly, but not enough to signal that she wanted her to stop. “How can I show you that I mean it? Is it enough that I never want to touch anybody, but you make it difficult to resist? I’m not experimenting, Wonhee, I am only acting on my desire to touch you because I can’t help it. Please… please kiss me.”

Rolling her eyes at the 'never want to touch anybody' part because she heard too many of the 'you're the only woman I want to touch', Wonhee placed both palms on each side of Dodo's head and sank down, feeling her breasts touch the warm skin. She wanted to kiss, she did, but she still wasn't sure whether it was a good idea. Whether it was the 'one-time gay epiphany' that Dior liked to call it. She inhaled and moved forward, kissing the plump lips.

Dodo easily wrapped her arms around her neck and pulled her flush, mouth parting to meet the touch and deepen it almost instantly. The switch in the other woman’s behavior was interesting as if her childhood friend was able to relax as soon as their lips met.

“I feel so close to you like this,” the low voice murmured into their kiss as the big brown eyes fluttered shut.

Wonhee hummed, letting Dodo feel more of her weight and licking into her mouth, playing with her tongue and sucking her bottom lip into her mouth. She should've worn underwear. "I don't even know what I feel," she hissed, traveling towards Dodo's neck.

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” the other woman asked her and stroked over her hair while warm hands roamed her body and pulled the night gown a little higher, allowing Dodo to stroke along her thighs. “Do you want to be aware?”

"I'm usually always aware, but with you I'm not." Wonhee licked over the woman's collarbone and was already annoyed by her hair that kept falling into her eyes. "With you, there's this longing that I cannot ignore."

Dodo smiled at that and reached out to brush her short black locks behind her ear to keep them in place, palm cupping her ear.

“Those could be my words,” she murmured and closed her eyes, visibly enjoying the way her kisses felt. The words that followed were quiet, but also familiar in her ears because she had heard them before. “I love you, Wonhee. You’re still the only person that matters to me.”

"Things changed," she whispered, feeling the painful pulling in her chest and preferring to occupy herself with Dodo's pretty boobs, brushing over her nipples and sucking them into her mouth. She loved how firm the small breasts were and the way the bud hardened under her tongue.

"Between us?" Dodo managed to ask before her lips parted in a silent moan and she threw her head back, long hair rubbing over the pillow. "This- feels so good, Wonhee."

Ignoring the other woman's words at first, she continued her ministrations, stroking over the curve of Dodo's waist down to her hips. "Yes. Before I was insecure, but now I want you to explode in my face with all your colors, fuck."

The slim woman's eyes were focused on her as she shifted towards the touch of her hands, chest rising and falling quickly.

"You'll have to pull them to the surface first," the plump lips whispered eventually and gasped again when she touched a sensitive spot. It was fascinating how Dodo let her guard down, becoming so different from the aloof woman who stepped on glass and painted blood on her legs.

Her nightgown rode up and she felt hot, crawling down and covering the flat stomach in kisses. Licking over Dodo's navel, she continued with the prominent hip bones, obsessing over them and wanting to trace every single line of the other woman's body with her hands and tongue.

Dodo observed her intently, lifting on her elbows and hissing once in a while. Blush was covering the other woman's cheeks and she raised her slim thigh, carefully moving it to the side and revealing how aroused she was.

Wonhee was going crazy at the sight, but she wasn't surprised. Dodo had always done whatever she wanted, leaving her breathless, overwhelmed and longing for more, no matter if ten years had passed or they both changed, this one tiny detail remained the same.

Unchanged.


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Her breaths were ragged, and awareness appeared to slip past her fingertips like white sand on the beaches of Cuba. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hold onto it, keep it tight inside her palm or if she wanted to move along with it, let herself be buried until the waves couldn't reach her anymore.

_Did things really change between the two of you? _

Dodo's hands were holding onto the curve of Wonhee's waist, tugging at the silky fabric of her nightgown in an attempt to make it ride up and reveal more of the pale skin. It wasn't the first time she thought that way. Back then the thought had been on her mind countless times, to abandon clothes and be naked with the beautiful girl next to her, her childhood friend.

_But it never had the same meaning._

The two of them had never moved beyond kisses on the cheek, playful touches of each other’s breasts and a vague talk about virginity that she remembered. There had never been more than that and Dodo couldn't remember bridging the distance the way she was now, feeling arousal developing between her legs and making her breathless.

She understood the hesitation that her childhood friend felt, her fear of Dodo only trying this out, calling it curiosity the way she had insulted Wonhee's feelings back then. She wasn't that naive anymore, she understood that touching had implications, that it wasn't meaningless and something that they could play with and never do again.

_Because it could hurt her._

It didn't feel meaningless at all. Dodo couldn't describe it for herself and she doubted that she had the words to explain it to Wonhee. Each touch fueled the intimacy, but it didn't feel like sex to her. Sex felt like nothing, like the blackness that surrounded her core and which she used to banish her thoughts for a few moments until she was disgusted and preferred to be on her own. This wasn't comparable at all.

The touches that Wonhee blessed her with, the curved lips that kissed her breasts and the pink tongue that played with her nipples, all of it developed slowly. It caused a tugging in her groin that she didn't find aversive. She couldn't imagine waking up the next day and disliking the sensation. It felt better than anything she had experienced before, better than any touch by another person.

_You've never minded touching a woman, but it never felt like this._

She couldn't tell if it was the context or Wonhee and the fact that there wasn't anybody that mattered to her apart from the short woman on top of her. The heat continuously pooled in her groin and she barely contained her gasps as she moved up on her elbows and observed Wonhee travel lower. It felt personal, like a secret they were sharing, but one that she didn't have to be afraid of. She wasn't afraid at all, not of Wonhee.

Her body was showing how obviously it could get aroused, wetness collecting between her legs and making her wish for some friction through rubbing her thighs together. Instead she moved her right thigh to the side to relieve some of the heat, observing the way the motion caught Wonhee's attention.

_Do you mind the way she looks at you?_

She didn't, rather the opposite. Her heartbeat hammered furiously in her chest and she felt excited that the stunning woman was affected by her body even if it wasn't much in comparison to her own. Wonhee was the incarnation of a goddess. Dodo loved everything about her, the round thighs, the way her skin wasn't quite smooth when she sat on top of her legs and small irregularities were created. It was natural and perfect in its realness. Maybe that was why she couldn't pull her eyes away. Wonhee was a work of art all by herself and being close to her felt like a blessing, like all those things Dodo was afraid of suddenly didn't matter anymore. The blackness blurred in front of her eyes and couldn't find a way to interfere because she didn't know this. She didn't know affection, so there was no paint to taint it.

_If only you could show her how much this matters, that it can't compare to sex at all._

“If you knew the way you can make me feel, fuck,” the short woman whispered, looking at her with her black eyes before placing a tender kiss against her inner thigh. “But it’s not because of my sexuality or the way I feel about women in general. It’s because you’re Dodo.”

_Maybe that's it?_

She smiled and rested her weight on her left elbow to be able to reach out and stroke over Wonhee's cheek, loving how warm it felt.

"Maybe that explains it then, why you matter so much to me, no matter what happens and how much time passed. Because you're Wonhee," she replied and dropped her hand to the other woman's shoulder. She wanted to remove the fabric that kept her from seeing all of the black-haired woman. Dipping her fingers under the right strap of the nightgown, she pulled it down the pale shoulder.

“Do you want me to take it off?” The beautiful woman leaned back a little, but her gaze still roamed over her body and occasionally focused between her legs.

She nodded, because she couldn't think of anything she wanted more right at that instant except for more kisses. Biting down on her bottom lip, she returned to her elbows and lifted her leg a little higher, aware that Wonhee must like the way she looked naked.

_Just like you love her body._

"Please do, I love your naked body. You look magical in this light and I enjoy how your breasts fit right into my palms." She smiled again, fascinated by the way color had appeared on the other woman's cheeks, like the way she had looked right after the shower. Dodo had always enjoyed seeing Wonhee blush.

“I can’t think about anything apart from your scent. It makes me want to taste you.” Wonhee grabbed the lace fabric of her nightgown and pulled it over her head, throwing it on the floor right after. She watched the black-haired woman inhaling sharply, gorgeous chest rising and falling quickly, accompanied by the way the shadows played around her breasts, blue light emphasizing her pale skin.

The sight was beautiful, so she observed, wondering if it was possible to grasp the feeling with color and at the same time express how vulnerable the other woman seemed at that moment.

"Do you mean my scent when I'm aroused?" she asked and licked over her lips. "Do you enjoy it?"

Wonhee placed both hands next to her hips and leaned in, inhaling deeply. “I want it to be the only thing I breathe,” she whispered, gaze locked with hers.

Her eyes widened involuntarily, but not because she was scared or uncomfortable. She was merely not used to Wonhee being somebody to admit to something so intimate that easily. The black-haired girl had been shy back then, surprised by how little Dodo cared about norms and regulations of decency.

The words intensified the arousal to her groin and she wondered if it was the gaze or the fact that it was Wonhee. Her body was mostly well-lubricated, but not the way she felt now, throbbing and desiring to pull the stunning woman close enough to breathe her lips instead of air.

"I want to know your scent too," she murmured and slipped lower on purpose, benefiting from the fact that she was so slim until her eyes were on par with Wonhee's navel. She licked over it and covered the other woman's shaved groin in small kisses, inhaling to determine her scent. It was different from the expensive shower gel and perfume Wonhee usually used, more natural. "I like it, it feels like you."

“It’s a different scent when one is aroused. I love yours.” Wonhee let herself fall to the side and pulled her up, arms way stronger than they looked. Instead of doing more, the black-haired woman wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled her close, one thigh slipping between her legs until there was no space to move it up anymore.

She gasped, sounding more like a moan because it felt nice and she loved the additional body contact.

"I guess I wouldn't be able to tell with myself," she murmured and inhaled the scent of Wonhee's neck. The other woman was addicting. "I don't think I've… ever been this aroused. Not even after orgasm. I feel safe with you, Wonhee."

There was a brief chuckle before she felt the warm lips against her forehead. “I would say that it’s the unusual that gets people going, like ‘oh my god, it’s a woman, I’m not supposed to do that’, but I know you and I know that you never thought like that, so at least I don’t feel like a stigmatized idiot.”

_It's not about her being a woman at all._

Of course, the sensation of arousal in relation to a woman might have been considered new, but it wasn't really. Dodo had often been wet simply because she embraced or enjoyed Wonhee's presence, but it could easily be assigned to her generally getting wet easily. But that wasn't it this time. She wasn't curious about what it might be like to be with a woman, she simply wanted to be with Wonhee.

"I think it's you," she whispered and smiled at the gorgeous face that was right in front of her. Everything about Wonhee seemed like a mixture of familiar and fascinating, the scent, the touches, the warmth. "You're simply able to pull all kinds of feelings out of me, affection along with the colors."

"Can I? I don't know," the pleasant voice whispered as Wonhee pulled her closer, sliding her body over her curvy thigh that remained between her legs and one hand stroking over the curve of her butt.

She moaned because of how good it felt. The other woman's thigh rubbed right over her clit without it being too much. At first, she wondered how it could feel good if a leg might feel rough, but her wetness made it easy, sliding along like it was meant to be. Her hands tightened around Wonhee's body and she pressed her thighs together, gasping out loud.

_She has such smooth skin._

"Does it feel good?" The other woman traced the shell of her ear with her soft lips, words vibrating against it as she shifted purposefully and gave more friction.

"Yeah," she breathed out and closed her eyes, focusing on the sensation. "It doesn't feel like too much at all. Your skin is always so soft and smooth."

She let her hand travel over Wonhee's curves and along her waist before brushing over the edge of her breast that was flush against her chest. She was careful to be tender, to not let it be too much and reached for the hardened nipple to rub over it lightly.

"You can move against me, if you like. I really… like how wet you are," Wonhee breathed out right into her ear, warm air hitting it right after. The other woman's soft lips travelled down her neck, sucking on the sensitive spots and placing open mouthed kisses against her jaw.

"It sounds much nicer when you say it," she whispered and kept her eyes shut, moaning softly at how nice it felt. Her thighs flexed a little in response and she let her hands roam Wonhee's body, stroking over the smooth skin and her wing-like shoulder blades.

"It cost me a lot of effort to not bury my face between your legs. Your scent blurs my senses. You are so damn beautiful, Dodo." Wonhee held her, hands gently roaming over her lower back and curve of her butt.

The compliments felt nice to hear because they sounded genuine, like the black-haired woman meant every single word. She moaned again when Wonhee shifted and finally decided to follow the offer, sliding her hips forward by herself and gasping at the pleasure that centered in her lower body and caused her fingertips to tingle.

"I love feeling your body against mine," she murmured and kissed Wonhee's forehead, enjoying how hot it was against her lips. "This feels... really good."

The black-haired woman hummed, caressing and cupping her butt, lips kissing her shoulders and collarbones. Wonhee managed to keep moving her thigh, hold her and kiss her at the same time without neglecting any of it. She could hear how quick the woman's breaths were and how warm the hard nipples felt against her skin.

Her breaths sped up too in consequence of the pleasure between her legs, pulling out an urgency she hadn't felt moments before. Her hips moved quicker over the smooth thigh and her arms tightened around the beautiful woman's body.

"Wonhee," she gasped and opened her eyes, observing the way the black eyes were looking at her, curved lips parted slightly. "I… might come like this."

"Please," the low voice breathed out and the beautiful woman caught her lips, kissing her deep and so sensual in combination with the warm hands that seemed to be everywhere as she met the motions of the thigh between her legs.

She moaned into the touch, closing her eyes again to focus on the pleasure because that made it easier to reach her high. The sensation built until Dodo wondered if there was something missing after all, pleasure remaining high but not quite pushing her over the edge. Her desperation increased, and she kissed back with more vigor, whimpering when it still wasn't quite enough.

"I'm going crazy," she murmured and threw her head back, breathing heavily and begging her body to throw her over the edge already.

"Would you let me help you with my lips?" The black eyes focused on her. The way Wonhee's tongue slipped out to lick over her mouth looked overwhelming in the blue light. Unreal.

For a brief moment she thought it might be too much, remembering the men that put their heads between her legs. But then she had also expected the same from the other woman's thigh.

_You relax with her, you don't try to forget._

Dodo nodded and stopped her motions, feeling her lower body throb from lack of stimulation. She didn't need to look to know that her arousal was obvious, body dripping, and clit swollen. Breathing in deeply, she looked at Wonhee's pretty face, observing the way she responded, whether this was really something she wanted to do and enjoyed.

The short woman nodded in reply and crawled down quickly, settling between her legs and gorgeous round butt lifted in the air. She stroked over her inner thighs first before spreading them and placing kisses along them. The closer the warm lips were to her middle, the more she felt the need to move towards them by herself. Wonhee must have realized and glanced up, licking around her clit with the tip of her tongue that she somehow made to feel harder when she was further away and softer when she came closer.

She moaned and had to keep herself from pulling her legs together from the pleasure that shot up her spine. This was more effective, and she could feel the muscles in her pelvis contracting, yearning for more.

"Oh god," Dodo murmured and gave up on holding herself up, head falling to the soft pillow as she closed her eyes.

"You have to give feedback because I don't know what you like, but I'll try different things and you tell me if there's something else you would like." Wonhee's soft fingertips pushed into her thighs and the pretty face disappeared between her legs, only leaving the black eyes for her to see. The pleasure increased as Wonhee obviously knew what she was doing, licking her out and stimulating her with open mouthed kisses and circle motions of her tongue.

"This- this is really good," she muttered and resisted the urge to push her crotch into Wonhee's face. She could see how fast her own chest was rising and falling and her brain kept telling her that she needed more stimulation from the inside to be able to orgasm. Usually she would have simply screamed at the random guy she was with to fuck her, but none of them made her feel like this. She was trembling, breathless and wanted more, to have Wonhee close and keep doing what she was doing until she finally reached the edge and her body could give in. "Could you- put your fingers inside me?"

"How many?" Wonhee shifted and dipped what felt like two fingers inside her. "Deeper?"

"Y-yeah," she stuttered and lifted her legs higher to give Wonhee better access. It felt so fucking good, but she wasn't used to speaking about what she needed to feel good. Her thighs trembled a little and she felt like whimpering again. "Please, spread them, I love the slide too."

"Tell me to stop if you don't like it." Wonhee looked as if she had done it at least a thousand times and pumped the digits inside her body, curling them and pushing against her bladder as her curved lips sucked on her clit. At the times when she managed to open her eyes, she could see the black ones continuously observing her and the way she reacted.

Dodo felt like going absolutely mad, reaching out to grab a fistful of the white sheets and groaning out loud as she moved her hips along with the fingers inside of her.

"Shit," she cursed before repeating it like a mantra and finally feeling her orgasm approach, beginning at her center and tingling along her thighs as it finally exploded and colored her vision white for a second, leaving nothing else but her shaking legs from the aftermath and oversensitivity. "Oh my god, Wonhee."

_Shit, you must have soaked her face._

She lifted her head and reached out to brush over the black hair, stroking along the other woman's scalp and meeting her gaze, still feeling the aftermath and the new wave of arousal that orgasm always brought her.

"Come here," she whispered and tugged at the round shoulders. "Let me kiss you."

"Mhm," the low voice vibrated against her clit. Wonhee was licking around it and carefully removed her hand, wiping her mouth with the back of it before wiping it on the sheets. "You're gorgeous," the black-haired woman whispered, letting herself fall on her back next to Dodo.

She still felt breathless, but pulled Wonhee into her embrace, kissing the rosy cheeks and the curved mouth. The intimacy was still there and despite her orgasm she didn't feel the need to run or be on her own. It felt right somehow, and no discomfort remained.

_But this isn't only about you._

"How do you feel?" she asked and stroked over Wonhee's cheek, tracing her lips. The black-haired woman was so beautiful, and she wanted to do something too, but there wasn't much she had learned with the exception that Wonhee required trust.

"Satisfied and overwhelmed. You taste like heaven and now that I've seen you literally explode in a palette of a thousand colors I know that I didn't imagine it and was right all along." The short woman smiled and pulled her close, stroking over her hair and looking at her intently. "How do you feel?"

Dodo smiled at the words, at the complement and the knowledge that Wonhee was so convinced of having seen the colors, that they must be somewhere, hidden deep inside of her. She kissed the beautiful woman again before replying.

"Like I want to make you feel good too, but I don't even know if you can trust me." She met the intense gaze and wondered if there was a way for her to make Wonhee feel good too, beyond licking over the gorgeous breasts and sucking on the hardened nipples.

"But I feel good right now. Eating you out was something that I enjoyed a lot, so right now, I don't need anything apart from holding you. I really want to do that, if you're okay with it and won't run away to think about what all this means." Chuckling, the gorgeous woman crawled forward, and she felt the soft body wrap around her.

_Can you blame her? _

"Running away is literally the last thought on my mind," she replied and chuckled, remembering how Wonhee asked her back then if she ever thinks or just does things. "You should know that I'm the efficient one, I just do things."

She hugged back and inhaled the delicious scent of Wonhee's hair and neck, stroking over her back and wondering if there was a need to think about it. As back then there was only one person that could make her feel safe and at ease.

That person hadn't changed.

_

A stab-like pain in her abdomen pulled her out of sleep, eyes opening wide and lips frozen in the middle of an inhale. It hurt like a bitch and for a brief moment she wondered if she was back at the club, black walls with shabby posters and burning in her abdomen. A glance around showed a black ceiling, but no black walls. Wonhee was lying next to her fast asleep with her black hair spread over the pillow and naked body wrapped in a blanket, much like her own. The two of them were still touching, one of Wonhee's thighs draped on top of her.

She suppressed a wince as the pain resumed and her eyes watered a little. There was heat between her legs and she lifted the blanket to look, focusing on the small pool of blood that was staining the sheets.

_Well, shit._

Had she not felt like dying, she would have chuckled at the grandiose timing of her body returning its normal functions.

_Not having to fight for survival is bad for you._

Dodo rarely got her period and it was a blessing, one that she was grateful for, even if it meant that she had to remain malnourished and stressed to keep it that way.

Whimpering with her lips pressed together she tried to shift, one palm pressed against her lower body in the hope that it was warm and helped.

_Now you added more bodily fluids to her sheets. You're taking the bit about color very seriously._

There was a shift and black eyes that settled on her. "Good morning," the black-haired woman whispered.

"Shit, I'm sorry," she mumbled, aware that it wasn't anywhere close to morning. She wanted to say something more coherent, but the pain was unbearable, drowning her eyes in tears. It was probably her body's revenge for not taking care of it for months on end.

"About what?" Wonhee's eyes widened and she seemed more attentive, pulling herself from the depth of sleep.

"Taking the color bit too seriously, I'll-" She winced and wondered if falling from the bed head first would knock her out, but then she couldn't clean up the mess she made. "I'll clean it up- just- fuck, I want to die."

There was no understanding at first, but the short woman sat up and saw the mess. Instead of scolding her, Wonhee rubbed her palms together for a few seconds before placing one against her lower body.

"It must hurt a lot. I can still remember how you suffered back then. Wait a second, I'll give you something warm."

She held her breath to not make any embarrassing noises and squeezed her eyes shut. It reminded her of the motivation for a few of her more provocative pieces, the ones that were insulted as grotesque back then.

"I usually try to make sure it doesn't come, but I must be living too well over here. Some woman told me it gets better after an abortion, but she lied." Rolling up a little, and remaining in that position, she kept breathing through her lips and imagined herself losing consciousness, but unfortunately it didn't become reality.

"As more time passes it seems as if you were the one who suffered the most all this time. I guess I shouldn't consider myself the sole victim." The other woman slipped from the bed and quickly went somewhere. "What do you use? Tampons?" she yelled, sound coming from the direction of the kitchen.

_Period cramps can't be compared to emotional pain for ten years._

At first Dodo didn't get the question, thinking that Wonhee was curious about what she did about the pain. 'Baseball bat' would have been the answer, or lots of sleeping pills if she managed to get some. Painkillers were too hard around there and could be addictive, so she had tried to stay away from those.

"Yeah," she yelled back and hated the scent of blood and discharge.

"I have some in the bathroom. Don't worry about the sheets, I helped a friend give birth once, so I've seen worse than that." Wonhee smiled and placed a hot pack on her stomach. "You can get treated if it's really bad. No need to try kill yourself so your period doesn't come."

_Better than anything else you could have possibly done._

"Better than possibly getting pregnant _and _dying of pain. Also, there were no alternatives where I was living." She relaxed a little because the warmth helped and finally stopped contracting her legs. "I hope your friend is okay now."

"Yeah. She's fine. I'm more worried about you and your way of thinking. I have one question…" Wonhee crouched down and brushed a stand behind her ear, wiping the sweat from her forehead. "Why didn't you come back?"

_Why didn't you?_

It was simple, really. She had stopped being the Dodo from before, becoming a black shadow of what she was instead of growing. Returning would have meant confronting all those people with what happened, assuming that they didn't forget already and move on.

"Because I didn't want to ruin your perfect lives with my shadow self. Who wants to see someone like me and hear about all those terrible things? Nobody." She breathed in again and winced as the cramping resumed, even if with less intensity. "Nobody does."

"Since when do you care whether they do, Dodo? If reality is like that, we should talk about it. Avoidance is the worst and it won't get you anywhere. I respect it when you say that you don't want to talk about it, but I can't accept it if you say that it's because of other people. No fucking way." The black-haired woman stood up and disappeared again before returning with a glass of water and pills.

"It's not morphine, right?" she asked even though at this point she didn't really care whether it was. She grabbed the glass and took a sip after taking the pills.

Wonhee's argument made sense, but only in the places she had been. "It's not avoidance because this shit doesn't happen here, Wonhee. It'd be me bringing issues that I got myself into, to a place that doesn't have them. Why would they care? It's my responsibility to try to change it while I'm there. Sadly, I wasn't very successful. Not many people care about what a young girl has to say."

"You think I would give you morphine? Really? Dodo, people watch the news from all parts of the world while shaking their heads, why wouldn't they be able to take it? In addition, there are quite some systematic issues that every part of the world has, only in various forms. Like violence against women and girls. It's everywhere, just the manifestation is different."

She nodded because there wasn't much else she could do. It was true that violence against women was everywhere. She saw it and not only at the refuge. But still it didn't feel the same.

"Maybe it's because I decided to leave. I felt like returning would make me a failure, bringing all those terrible things home that I got myself into. Also, what if you guys moved on already, were living your best life and then there's me ruining everything with my color issues?" She sighed and pressed the heat pack against her groin, begging for the relief she vaguely remembered painkillers to bring. "I can't believe you still want to be next to me after everything I've done to you."

_You're doing so much and still she accepts it all. How do you even deserve this? _

Wonhee hummed and made her drink the whole glass. "It seems like it, right?" The smile looked like resignation when the short woman stood up and walked to her wardrobe, putting on a jumpsuit hesitantly. "I'll make you a tea. What kind do you like?"

"Don't you want to go back to bed? I'm sorry for waking you up." She chewed on her cheek and sat up, aware that she needed to stuff herself with a tampon if she didn't want it to get any messier. "I can leave, then you don't have to sacrifice your sleep for me. I actually came to be your comfort but look at me." She laughed because it was ridiculous. She had really come to comfort the black-haired woman, but in the end, she was the one orgasming and getting comforted because of her period pain.

_Shouldn't there be a limit to being a mess? _

Wonhee didn't say anything at first, moving towards the kitchen silently. It was impossible to know what the beautiful woman was thinking. She didn't turn around either, but Dodo could hear the words that she murmured. 'I like having you here'.

She swallowed because it felt good to hear it, even when she was struggling to get on her feet and make her way to the bathroom. Dodo stepped into the shower to remove the blood with the shower head and made it extra hot to relieve the pain. Once she felt vaguely clean, she looked for the tampons and slipped a medium sized one inside herself. She doubted that anything bigger was necessary.

Chewing on her cheek, she leaned against the door frame of the kitchen and observed the black-haired woman that was making tea.

"Thank you," she whispered. "I also like having you next to me."

Wonhee smiled to herself and poured some tea into a cup, handing it to her. "I didn't choose it, but that's the way I feel."

_Because it probably still hurts her._

She nodded, because there was nothing she could say apart from apologizing again. She accepted the cup and took a sip. It was relaxing and was something herbal.

"Maybe I'll be able to defeat the regret too someday."

***

_You slept. _

Wonhee listened to the sound of her heels on the concrete, feeling regret. This time it wasn't directed at the way she behaved with the brown-haired artist that visited her in the night, painted a galaxy on her and came from the movements of her hand and tongue. It was about the time that has passed. Why did Dodo have to leave and experience all the abuse and violence instead of being with her, letting her take care of her?

_You could have shown her how much you could have loved her. _

The thought felt terrible because it had no purpose apart from making her feel bad. In the end she didn't know for sure whether her best friend from back then would have reacted the same way the woman next to her reacted now. For fuck's sake, she didn't even know what that meant. She had enough experiences with women who were stuffed with toxic gender norms and heteronormative thinking, pushing same sex attraction into the same pot with 'trying out weed, but it's still illegal, you know?'. She wanted to scream.

Sure, she hoped that Dodo wasn't the type of person to think like that, but one could never say for sure. In addition, she had to admit that she didn't know the woman that Dodo was now. She only assumed and held onto the crumbs from before, but that was what the artist wanted. To go back to how it was before.

_It's one way only. There's no going back. Just work with what you have now. _

Wonhee didn't expect her childhood friend to react to her ministrations, not like that, not trembling in her arms and letting her have a taste.

_You can still taste it on your tongue. She's so attractive._

Licking her lips, she glanced up and looked at the scrunched man who stared at her, most definitely misunderstanding her gesture for interest. The worst.

"So, Ms. Lee. You wanted to explain to me why you need to smear paint on the floors of the Tate. People don't look under their feet and what is the purpose of art that can be stepped on?"

_Like women are getting stepped on, you disgusting fuck, _Wonhee thought and smiled in a friendly, but not too friendly way. One had to make sure, because some men had a wild interpretation of smiles, gestures, or in some cases also signs of existence.

"It's not smearing, Mr. Johnson. It's concept art in a street style. By using the floors as an art surface, we are enabling a perspective a visitor usually wouldn't expect. It is consistent with the concept and I strongly suggest it becomes part of the exhibit." She inhaled and crossed her legs, observing the guy's eyes following the movement, even though it was about the floors. It should have been about the floors.

"But we will need to have them cleaned later, I mean, you would know if you had found a man and got married, but it's hard work and costs money." Wonhee wanted to make the dude stick out his tongue and step on it with her silver heel.

"It will be fine. We have enough in the budget." _And you could help, instead of sitting here and wasting air by being a misogynistic bastard._

It was hard, especially as she really didn't have a lot of time, pushing her meeting with Dior.

"I'll think about it," the waste of air muttered in response and she decided not to smile, because the ass deserved no display of friendliness.

"Sure. See you in a week. I'll send it to the culture leadership board, maybe they will have an opinion too." Wonhee collected her confirmations of funding that she brought in case Mr. Johnson wanted to see them for the seventh time and walked towards the door, hearing a pressed out 'I guess it's fine'. She hated it because it didn't feel like a fair fight at all. She had to use blackmail to force a fair decision process whereas the blonde asshole only used his position to make her feel inferior with his stupid marriage remarks, ugly little eyes and disgusting smiles.

_He'll be the first one to hate the project, so you have to square up. _

Wonhee hated the inequality. That even as a strong successful woman, she still had to deal with this shit and there was no attempt to make it better in any way. The only thing she heard was: 'Shouldn't you be happy that you got the job?' and 'Just smile and nod, it will be okay eventually.'. The worst. Nothing was going to be okay and she wasn't happy. She was furious.

_That's why that red-haired sponge from the board calls you a snake._

It was fine. Better a snake than a shaved possum.

Fixing her bangs in the rearview mirror, she stepped on the gas and drove to the familiar apartment building and looked forward to a glass of wine and the arms of her best friend.

"Let me look at you, hmm, you look hot. Super-hot." Dior glanced at her before shaking her head and pulling her into a tight hug. The brown-haired woman smelled like freshly peeled oranges, it was delicious.

"I won't say anything because you know that I'm Dior-sexual." She giggled because her mood was elated and caught herself feeling great for no specific reason. The blonde asshole had been annoying, and she needed to work on the concept some more, so why was she happy?

The changes didn't go past her best friend's attentive gaze and she leaned back, grabbing her chin and glancing into her eyes like a creep. "What happened? Why are you are so happy and carefree? You told me that you had a meeting with Boris. It couldn't have lifted your mood like that, unless he choked on his saliva and died in front of your eyes. Oh my god, did he? Amazing news!"

"He didn't. I'm just in a good mood, maybe because I slept for once," Wonhee commented and leaned forward, kissing Dior's smooth cheek. "But enough from me, how are you? I missed you. A lot." Her feet made no sound as she slid over the fluffy carpet and arrived in the living room, settling on the couch, just like she always did.

"You slept? How?" The most dangerous thing was always underestimating Dior. Why? Because she was extremely attentive and very smart. Lying wasn't an option.

"Because she was at my place."

Her best friend's smile disappeared, making room for something different. First, she didn't recognize it, but after some time it was clear why.

_Because she is hurt._

"Are you disappointed?" Wonhee decided to ditch the couch, and sat on Dior's jeans-covered lap, wrapping her arms around her.

"Well, I did think that you had more self-respect and experience to keep yourself from more pain, but it seems as if whatever it was that was between you has more weight than basic human reasoning." When her best friend was hurt, she tried to hurt back. Wonhee knew it and she has seen it before, but still it didn't make it less terrible.

"I'm not doing it on purpose, but I'm not a victim either. I don't know, it's just… some things stayed unchanged and some… changed so much that it suddenly seems as if…" _As if what, Wonhee? _"As if there is something that both of us see. I can still see her colors and she can see the stars or whatever it is that she recognized in me. In the end it's something we can both work with."

Dior glanced at her for a few seconds before a loud sigh left her pretty mouth and she licked her lips the way Wonhee knew she did when she had something uncomfortable to say.

"Listen, my gorgeous, I don't mean to ruin your honeymoon with your long-lost high school crush, but as your best friend I have to remind you of a few things that you seem to have forgotten due to hormones or maybe the stuff they put into paint. She smells like that. Anyway, she's a straight chick who talks about dick a lot, Wonhee. You told me those are the worst because they think kissing a woman is some kind of gay exploration phase and an experience one could use to be a better lover for a dude. Second, she's an artist that I found in the red-light district in Rio, she didn't seem as if she was missing you, or thinking about you, or wanting to go back. She didn't give a single shit about you, Wonhee. Until the moment that she suddenly saw you, and let's be honest about this, you are extremely attractive and nice, so maybe her ten percent gay wanted you or your friendship or the possibility to do art with your help. Whatever it was, it wasn't there from the start. The seeing stars part… don't do this to me, okay? Just answer one question and I'll tell you why my relationship to my clients is better than what you two have here. Have you talked about what you both wanted, Wonhee? Have you asked her what she expects and wants from you and from your relationship and did you ask her the same?"

Wonhee swallowed and exhaled sharply, not prepared for her best friend to go all out, but it meant that Dior was hurt. Very hurt.

_But she also has a point. _

"I asked her. And she said she doesn't really know and only knows that she needs me." As soon as the words were out, she understood how terrible it sounded. Why did she accept it? She would've never accepted it if it had been somebody else.

"Oh god, do you even listen to yourself? The Wonhee I know would've told that woman to get her priorities right, before setting foot in her apartment and you are telling me about stars and colors. I ask my clients how they imagine the play and we go through every single detail before we play afterwards. I give comfort and we talk about how it felt and whether it was okay and acceptable. Where are your communication skills? Since when do you let yourself be babbled at with obvious bullshit? And before I say more, tell me, did something happen between you two?"

_It did._

"Listen," she started, and her hands sweated a little, so she wiped them on her dress. "I… made her come, but that's not even the point. She knows me in a way nobody else does, so it feels different to me, does that make sense?"

Dior exhaled again and clenched her jaw. It was a bad sign and meant that the words were most definitely going to hurt.

_You know her so well._

"You told me back then, that you thought you weren't enough for her to stay with you. Is that right?" The dark eyes found her, and her best friend removed her arms around her waist. "Do you think it changed?"

The lump in her throat materialized out of nowhere and forced her to gasp for air, moving down from her friend's lap. She wanted to leave, to be alone and cry, to not think and just exist in the blue like she always did, knowing that it had been partly her fault for staying alone.

"No," she whispered and walked away, slipping into her shoes that she abandoned in the hallway. "Nothing changed."

"It did. You have me now, Wonhee. You don't need to do this to yourself. You don't need her to tell you that she can see stars." Thin arms wrapped around her waist from behind and the orange scent entered her nose as Dior rested her chin on top of her shoulder. "Don't run away from me. I'm not the person you should run away from."

"I'm running away from my own attachment, Dior. I still like her, and I can see all her colors, no matter whether she draws or not. After seeing it, I can't pretend that it doesn't exist right next to me."

"She said she will leave. She always leaves, why would you…" Her best friend turned her and caught her body in a tight embrace, stroking over her hair tenderly. "Maybe you need some time, but I don't want her to hurt you. I love you so much and you're a great person. She doesn't deserve you after leaving like that and thinking that anything of you is hers to have."

_The inside of your Iron Man suit. It’s hers. _

_

_Who the fuck goes to Tower Hamlets in the middle of the night? _

Her heart was beating like a drum when she told the taxi driver to turn around the corner and spotted the familiar figure spraying her art on a wall. Dodo was crazy. Definitely.

Jumping out of the car, she moved closer while looking around before wrapping her fingers around Dodo's skinny wrist.

"Are you nuts? Did you Google the most dangerous areas of London, or why did you think it was a good idea?" she hissed.

The brown-haired woman seemed unprepared to see her at first, body tensing as if she was prepared to fight until the tension faded away upon recognition.

"It's still not comparable to where I've been, so it'll be fine," Dodo remarked casually and returned her attention to the wall, adding a vibrant red to the color composition. It was different from her usual style, like she adapted it to the area and the topics that mattered. The tall woman seemed excited about what she was doing, smile suddenly spreading her lips. "Are you scared, Wonhee?"

"Only for you, foolish woman," she whispered and massaged her temples. "I'm here to get you back home, but something tells me you're not going to come with me."

"I want to finish this, but I'm happy that you came." Dodo turned around and smiled at her, cheeks lifting before she switched colors and continued to paint. "You look gorgeous. I'm sorry for worrying you. You don't have to stay if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Well, I had a heart attack when you texted me, so nothing can scare me now. I'm worried about you. There have been many violent crimes reported in this area. I don't want anybody to hurt you." Wonhee glanced at the tall woman, seeing the black hoodie cover her form, brown locks peeking from under the hood and black jeans hugging the long legs. She remembered that Dior had described Dodo like that after meeting her for the first time. "I see you're trying to not attract any attention, but the sad story is, if it was the clothes half of the women wouldn't get hurt, but they do. It's how we internalized the way society tries to give us the blame for what happens."

Dodo paused the spraying and turned around again, observing her intently.

"That might be true, but I have the advantage of being tall. If nobody sees my face they assume I am a teenage boy." Chewing on her cheek as if she was aware that looking like a boy wasn't perfect protection, the brown-haired woman moved a few steps back to observe what she had already finished spraying. It was the naked back of a woman that was hugging her own waist, head tilted down. Dodo has sprayed the outline of words already, but they weren't readable yet. "But maybe you're right, maybe I need to change the message."

"If nobody sees that I'm a woman, I'm safe?" She chuckled and wrapped her arms around her waist, similar to the woman on the wall. "But it's remarkable how bright you are, no matter whether your clothes reflect any light or not."

"I think you have a special eye for that." Dodo didn't turn around, but she could see the tall woman trying to suppress a smile, but failing, looking surprisingly cheerful. "But you're right. Why do women have to hide, but men are fine? Sure, it's different if they are children, but that's even worse. It's the same assumption: weakness that can be used."

Suddenly, Dodo threw her spray can on the ground next to the others and turned around, crossing the few meters between them easily before simply wrapping her long arms around her.

"You're so precious, I shouldn't have let you come here," the low voice murmured into her ear.

The warmth felt so intimate, quenching the longing that she only became aware of when she could feel Dodo's body around her and during the past days that they haven't been able to meet.

"You are precious, you fool. Why would you come here alone? Let's go back." Reaching out, she cupped the other woman's face that looked so young without any makeup. Dodo still looked eighteen. That fool.

"But I can't leave it unfinished, there is no message," the other woman murmured and glanced at her work again without letting go of her. "It doesn't cut like this, it needs to hurt."

"How about 'I am mine'?" Wonhee asked and brushed a brown lock behind Dodo's small ear. "She's holding herself and it seems as if she just wants to be left alone. Be hers."

The other woman's eyes widened a little as she observed her face for a few seconds before glancing at the artwork again.

"I...I like it," she murmured and placed a sudden kiss on her lips before letting go and grabbing the spray paint again, adding the words on the woman's naked back in pitch black. Dodo added depth next, fixing it up with a few other colors and finishing it with her signature at the bottom. Once she let the can fall to the ground again, the brown-haired woman inhaled sharply and closed her eyes. "The feeling is there."

"You're able to do that. To create the feeling, no matter what it is. I tried to find it in your technique, but it's not the colors you use and isn't dependent on material or surface. It's something else and at this point I'm pretty sure that this something is you." She smiled and took Dodo's hand, looking at the spray paint that covered her long fingers.

The artist didn't reply, but she also didn't need to. Wonhee could see it all without words, the way Dodo swallowed and glanced to the side, pretending to be tougher than her trembling lips suggested.

Squeezing her fingers briefly, the other woman packed up her cans and threw the backpack over her slim back, big eyes settling on her again. Nibbling on her bottom lip, Dodo held out her hand, inviting her to grasp it. Instead of doing it, Wonhee stepped closer and cupped the small face, lifting on her tiptoes and placing a soft kiss on the plump lips. Not wearing heels meant that she was shorter and had to deal with the consequences.

"You're a blessing," Dodo murmured and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her along after placing another brief kiss against her lips. "Let's go, I saw something nice on the way here that you might like."

"Like?" She wasn't sure what she might have liked in that kind of area, but followed hesitantly, imagining all kinds of situations they could've gotten into and their dramatic outcomes.

Dodo grinned and kept holding onto her shoulders as she led them along several alleys towards a bridge. Climbing over the railing, the brown-haired woman held out her hand.

"Come on, it's under the bridge," she murmured and gestured towards a path that led under the bridge but probably hasn't been intended for this purpose.

“It’s sad that there’s no people to see my pearl underwear when I’m flashing them.” Wonhee sighed but lifted her leg and swung it over the railing, walking down the path and suddenly feeling thankful that she didn’t wear heels.

_You’re nuts._

"There's me." Dodo glanced up, staring at her thighs and obviously checking out her underwear as she remained in place and waited for Wonhee to follow her to a spot where one could stand properly and didn't risk rolling down the steep hill.

"It's beautiful. Are you wearing it for a special reason? I saw it in your drawer and it felt really nice in my hands." Smiling briefly, the tall girl made her way down and stabilized her with an arm around her waist as they finally arrived at the bottom of the hill. "You'll like it, I promise."

“I planned on treating myself, but then you replied that you were trying to die, so I had to get dressed and come here.” Wonhee grinned and winked at the beautiful woman next to her, deciding that there was no point in lying.

"I wasn't 'trying to die'," Dodo murmured and brushed through her long hair that fell out of the black hood. "That looks different. But I'm sorry for keeping you from pleasure. You deserve it all."

Smiling, the brown-haired woman lifted her skirt briefly to have another glance and kissed her cheek before simply tugging her under the bridge by her wrist and towards an enormous, painted wall.

"Do you like it?" Dodo whispered and the excitement in the artist's voice was difficult to miss.

The dark space was covered by many different designs that seemed to fluently transition into each other, creating a beautiful composition of colors and shapes. It wasn’t the work of one single artist, but rather many different smaller artworks. She liked it and it was a little embarrassing to admit, but she liked the happy expression on Dodo’s face more.

“Mhm. And you,” she muttered, stepping closer to look at the different shades and technique the artists had used.

"I like it too," Dodo commented, misunderstanding her small confession and gesturing at one corner of the composition. "That's not a brush, I still can't figure out what they used. It's a hidden gem and not many will see it. As if it was made for the artists themselves, like a way to communicate."

Wonhee came even closer, letting her fingers take in the surface while she looked at the way the color was spread. Suddenly she understood and jumped up, smiling happily. "I know what it is, I've seen it once before. This texture comes from putting a paint roller on an electric drill. Looks really cool. The transitions are amazing."

"What?" Dodo stepped closer and hugged her from behind, chin resting on her shoulder. "You can see that? I can't believe they managed to get an electric drill here while still keeping this place so secret."

"They were trying hard. Or didn't have anything else to paint. Of course, I can see that, the color on the edges comes from a very fast circular motion, you can't do it with your hands because there are always differences in strength and you never know how much color already left the brush. We should definitely go though. I don't want the police to find me dead in my favorite pearl underwear." Chuckling, Wonhee turned around and stroked over Dodo's arms. The tall woman probably didn't eat anything and stayed up late. "Let's go to my place. I'll make you something to eat."

Dodo nodded softly and returned the delicate touch by caressing her arm and intertwining their fingers.

"Will you let me see it again?" the brown-haired woman asked and smiled a little. "I like it a lot."

"What? My underwear? It's not safe for work." Wonhee laughed and pulled her along, going up the hill to the railing and easily climbing over it, just that she looked like an athlete and Dodo simply walked over it. "Let's see if the taxi driver is still waiting."

"You asked him to wait?" Surprise painted the pretty face as Dodo quickly pushed her long brown hair back into the hood. "Sounds expensive, but efficient."

"Better than to end up dead. You like to live risky, don't you?" Of course, she knew the answer. The brown-haired woman travelled to and placed her art in the most dangerous places in the world, so it was clear. Wonhee was nothing like that, fighting the fact that there was danger in the first place from her privileged spot.

"Maybe the people here are also worried about that. That's why they know nothing else but violence and trying to survive." Dodo shrugged and glanced around the corner before turning into it. "I don't particularly like risk or pain, but there is no way to avoid it when you lose your support system. Or leave it behind the way I did."

"Your support system? You mean your parents? But you never really relied on them apart from material support. Of course, it's also very relevant if you need to survive." Wonhee waved at the taxi driver who had waited and slipped on the backseat, making space for Dodo.

"I mean you," the brown-haired woman muttered and let herself sink into the backrest next to her, fingers immediately removing the hood and letting her long hair rest on her shoulders and chest.

"What? Me? But you were my support, not the other way around." Wonhee glanced at the brown-haired woman and couldn't help staring.

"That's what you think." Dodo smiled and crossed her legs while staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. "You were my support system, the person that considered me talented, wonderful and comforted me during difficult times. Of course, leaving you behind meant being alone. Sure, I also had no money, but that felt secondary."

Chewing on her cheek, the artist played with her fingers, visibly working out what to say next.

"I thought I had to be alone to fill the empty space inside me, because I wasn't a complete person yet, only a blob of color with nothing to it. As you saw, I filled it with black instead. I guess this is what regret feels like."

“Do you regret that you left? Why? I mean, things happened, and you probably grew as a person, so it doesn’t really matter whether you left me behind or not. I guess it’s your memories that suddenly come back because you see me.” Wonhee smiled at the taxi driver and gave him a tip, before leaving the car and grabbing Dodo’s big palm to pull her out.

The brown-haired woman instantly removed her hoodie, remaining in her pants and a white blouse that sat low on her shoulders.

"You're wrong," Dodo remarked and met her gaze. "I thought and dreamt about you, I merely tried not to because I thought I had no right."

_But it’s the same discussion all over again._

“I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings, Dodo.” She pressed the button in the elevator after they entered the spacious lobby of her apartment building. “I’m just trying to tell you that it doesn’t really matter because I felt none of it, just like you felt none of the things I thought about or how I cried after staying back.”

"But doesn't it matter because we are close and confront all of it? Because we talk, are next to each other and have to make sure not to hurt each other? You told me that you can still see the colors, but at the same time I don't want to hurt you by being next to you. You've been hurt enough by me." Leaning against the elevator wall, Dodo stared at the ceiling and crossed her arms in front of her thin body. Wonhee still remembered that gesture, it was an attempt to not get emotional.

“I’m not the eighteen-year-old that will do anything just to get a tiny bit of affection from her first love, Dodo. I’m grown up and I know well what your presence does to me, but I’m willing to bear it for now because that’s what I want.” Wonhee remembered her talk with Dior, her best friend’s words that she didn’t need her childhood friend anymore, but the truth was that she wanted it. She wanted to know what would happen if she got closer. There was no love. There wasn’t, but she still felt that special kind of feeling. The air had a different scent when Dodo was close, she could see so many colors and exhale the heaviness, but sometimes also inhale it depending on the topic. All in all, Dodo’s presence gave her weight that she liked to carry. For now.

"I wish I could say the same about myself," her childhood friend murmured and pushed herself off the wall as the elevator doors opened.

“Say what about yourself? That you want to be next to me?” The key was stable in her fingers as she opened the door and slipped out of her shoes, thinking of changing the underwear because the pearls rubbed between her legs. It was nice but utterly inappropriate for emotional conversation.

"No, that I'm grown up and know what your presence does to me." Closing the door, Dodo simply walked over to her and wrapped her arms around her waist from behind, holding her close while she was in the middle of removing her second shoe. Warm lips touched the skin of her neck before the tall woman placed her chin on her shoulder and leaned against her head. Dodo had never cared about appropriate distance, at least not with her and not as long as she had known the brown-haired woman.

“And what does it do to you? I don’t want to hurt you, Dodo. You left, and I admire your decisiveness to start a new life and form it the way you want and the last thing that I want to do is to give you a guilty conscience and make you miserable. You have to stay away from me, if I do.” Wonhee reached behind herself and stroked over the other woman’s hips. “It feels weird to say it, but in the end I’m just some person from the past, nothing more nothing less.”

"You're the most important person to me, Wonhee. Nothing changed about that fact." Inhaling deeply, Dodo kissed the skin below her ear. "You're not making me miserable, rather the opposite. I feel happy and can't help but be scared of waking up cause that's what my dreams were about."

“You make me want to kiss you.” Her voice was barely a whisper when she placed her naked foot on the carpet. “Why would you dream now? I’m nothing like the person I was before.”

"But you're still breathtaking enough to be a dream." Dodo stroked over her sides before loosening her embrace and turning her around. Big brown eyes met hers, accompanied by the other woman's blushed face and plump lips that were slightly parted. "Kiss me."

Again, she lifted on her tiptoes and grabbed the familiar cheeks with both palms, leaning forward and catching Dodo’s thick lips with her own. She moved them sensually and inhaled halfway through the motion because there wasn’t enough air when she was with Dodo. There never was.

Warm arms wrapped around her again and the tall woman leaned down to make it easier, kissing back and pulling her flat against the slim body.

"Why is kissing you so different, Wonhee?" Dodo whispered, but immediately connected their lips again. "Are you even real or have I finally lost it?"

"I don't know," she whispered and pushed Dodo against the wall, barely missing the high shelf that the taller woman would have definitely hit her head against if she didn't push her to the side. Propping her naked thigh between the jeans-clad legs, Wonhee licked into the warm mouth like an eager cat. Dior had once given her the nickname after seeing her make out with a hot woman with dreadlocks. Her name was Layla and she wondered what the beautiful woman would be up to now.

Dodo gasped at the sudden switch in pace and Wonhee loved the warm puff of air that hit her lips until they were finally attached to the other woman's mouth again. Dodo's hands roamed over her waist and tugged at the fabric of her skirt, pulling it up slightly and enabling the beautiful woman to caress her naked skin. A soft moan got caught in their kiss when she shifted her thigh.

"How can anybody be this attractive?" Wonhee muttered, nibbling on the round jaw and travelling down Dodo's warm neck that was less hard to reach than the lips. "You make me lose it, seriously."

_Or your underwear. _

Dodo didn't reply and merely pulled her skirt a little higher, fingers dancing over her behind and stroking over her waist.

"Can I touch you?" the brown-haired woman muttered and gasped from the kisses against her neck. "I can't stop thinking about what the texture might feel like against your soft skin."

She hissed at how Dodo's hands were prefect to cup her ass. "What texture? What are you talking about?"

"The pearls, I want to know how they feel against your skin," the low voice whispered before Dodo used her other hand to tilt her head up and kiss her again. "And against my lips."

_Fuck. If it wasn't Dodo you would already be sitting on her face._

"You want to kiss my underwear? Friendship goals." Wonhee pushed the tall woman further against the wall and opened one button of Dodo's shirt to close her lips around her collarbone.

Another soft moan blessed her ears before Dodo licked over her lips and met her gaze, breaths quicker than they had been before.

"I'm well aware of what I'm asking for, Wonhee," the tall woman replied and sank her fingers into her black hair, tugging lightly. "I want to kiss your body."

_She wants it, but do you want it? _

The thought of Dodo's lips around her nipples, or even better between her legs almost pulled a moan from her lips. Stepping back, she pulled her shirt and skirt over her head, only remaining in the pearl underwear that she knew looked absolutely stunning on her curvy hips. She removed her bra with a quick motion, exhaling sharply at the cool air against her nipples.

"Then come here and kiss me, Dodo," she breathed out as the light turned off leaving them in complete darkness before it switched to the familiar blue.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 4th of December at 2 PM CET.  
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_She doesn't understand._

Her eyes passed over the brief hint of bitterness on the other woman's face, her assumptions of a past they had abandoned a long time ago and finally the current reality that had nothing to do with what had been between them before.

Dodo disagreed. How could she have agreed to the claim that all those years of missing the woman in front of her didn't matter? The thoughts felt so real, as if she only needed to close her eyes and reach out and the misty texture would pass through her fingertips, a bit remaining stuck to her palm. All those memories and desires to see the black-haired woman had been real and sometimes the image of pale hands holding her and telling her that everything would be fine, were her only connection to sanity.

_You can't decide that it doesn't matter what happened in between. It matters because you cared too much and so did she._

If both of them cared so much about the other, how could they decide to forget about it and start anew? Dodo didn't feel like she could. There was a cheerful girl with a gorgeous smile in her memories, but there was also the breathtaking woman with short hair that kissed her and robbed her of every coherent thought. She cared about them both. Maybe the feelings were different, ancient in one case and still fresh in the other, but they were there. She couldn't sever the connection between those two with a well-sharpened knife. Despite being fresh and green like a plant that finally pushed itself through the concrete, it wouldn't disappear that easily, not unless a volcano eradicated it all at once.

_She means so much to you, but there is no way for you to show it. Not if she believes the feelings in between don't matter._

The fact that she left must have convinced her childhood friend that she wasn't worth staying for, even if she had been the only thing keeping her alive, the one person she forced herself to let go of. Words didn't mean much, they floated around the air and produced tears, but there was nothing to hold on, not like hands and bodies, like paint that stuck to the wall and screamed to be looked at.

Maybe that was why she moved closer, embraced the shorter woman and enjoyed the texture of the dress against her palms. Dodo preferred nakedness, enjoyed the bare minimum, skin against skin and the message it could send, the intimacy it created when it was Wonhee.

She had never cared about embarrassment or the concept of decency, but still Wonhee was the only person she felt the need to be that close to, naked and skin on skin.

The effect those curved lips and equally curved body had on her was difficult to describe. Thinking of her past experiences it seemed as if she had been in chains all this time, tied to knowing only one thing, to experiencing pain and forced pleasure only. But the black-haired woman in front of her had stepped closer, pushing her against the wall and ravishing her mouth. Those delicate hands had easily removed the cold metal that cut into her wrists, giving her free reign over her own pleasure and the person she wanted to be close to.

_It didn't seem like you had much of a choice, but now you can't think of anybody but her._

Dodo wasn't stupid or naive, not in relation to what was happening between them. She knew that it wasn't friendship, that the way her hands pulled Wonhee's dress up her thighs and how they licked into each other's mouths wasn't something that friends did. She had never been somebody to separate between women and men apart from men usually being the ones to bring pain and pleasure and women usually being the ones that gave her comfort when she was at her worst. Of course, she barely allowed anybody close, but when there had been no choice it had always been women caressing her arms and soaking up the blood that surrounded her.

_You've always felt more at ease, but this isn't at ease, this is yearning._

It was a yearning for the woman in front of her, to remove the layers of clothing and let her lips and hands explore the soft skin, to play with the black lace that graced Wonhee's abdomen and to be as close as possible.

_Does she trust you to do this?_

There was no clear answer to the question, only Wonhee as she stepped back and pulled her shirt and skirt over her head. The black-haired woman removed her black lace bra, full breasts instantly catching her attention until her eyes travelled down to the pearl underwear. It looked gorgeous, lace covering the other woman's hips and connecting at the center of her abdomen. A thin line of pearls slipped in between her legs and continued at the back, connecting the front and back instead of the usual fabric. Dodo wanted to trace it with her tongue, but the thought was sudden and surprised her a little.

Licking over her lips, she realized how quickly her heart was beating in her chest and stepped closer. Her hands instantly reached out to stroke over the slim waist and cup the other woman's full breasts before she remembered what Wonhee liked and closed her lips around a nipple. She was exploring, following her desire to taste and touch the other woman, to return some of the affection that she constantly felt in those almost black eyes.

A hiss showed her that Wonhee liked it, stumbling backwards before sinking to the soft carpet and taking her along. The delicate fingers slipped under her blouse easily, tracing her waist and caressing her nipples through the fabric of the bra. It felt nice and she closed her eyes briefly while focusing on both, the nipple between her lips and the pleasant tingling against her own.

She opened her eyes again and observed the expression on Wonhee's face, the way her mouth opened slightly, and she could see the pretty sounds leaving her lips in addition to hearing them. Letting her fingertips dance over the other nipple as she sometimes liked to do with herself, she travelled lower and covered the smooth stomach with kisses. Dodo dipped her tongue into Wonhee's navel and smiled because she remembered doing that before, a long time ago when she enjoyed marking each mole on the other woman's body with her lips.

"I really like your scent," she whispered when her nose brushed over the shaved skin of Wonhee's groin, partially covered by lace. It was indeed different from the expensive scent she had come to know, but somehow it still felt familiar, like she had memories of it but never thought about them in that way.

"You do? I like so many things about you, you have no idea." Wonhee threw her head back, exhaling in a soft moan and carefully raked her right hand through her hair, pulling lightly.

"Don't get me started with my list," she chuckled and finally decided to trace the pearls with her lips. Since they were more difficult to access, she stroked along Wonhee's thighs first, slipping in between them to carefully push them apart. Maybe it was because of her own sensitivity, but she glanced up at the other woman's face as she did that, checking whether she was okay with it.

Instead of rubbing her hair against the carpet, the black-haired woman lifted on her elbows and stared at her, black eyes intense and attentive, reflecting a blue shimmer.

"Is this okay?" she asked quietly and licked over the thin line of pearls, tasting a little bit of the woman wearing them.

"Mhm." Wonhee's reply sounded more like a purr than an answer as she licked her lips and rolled her eyes.

Dodo enjoyed the purr as well and decided to show it by repeating the motion of her tongue and tracing the pearls as far as she could reach. She was also able to tell that Wonhee was aroused and somehow the mere thought added to the wetness between her own legs. She hadn't thought much about it but being close to the black-haired woman was arousing to her, no matter the circumstance.

Licking over her lips again to make them a little wetter, she closed them around the pearls right above Wonhee's clit and tried to suck on them. Dodo was by no means an expert and apart from female anatomy and the things she enjoyed herself, there wasn't much she could base her actions on. But still she wanted to make the other woman feel good, to show that she appreciated the little bit of trust her childhood friend gave her.

"What do you enjoy?" she asked eventually and rubbed the pearls over the gorgeous woman's sensitive spot, making sure to use the wetness as an aid. She really liked the scent and the taste on her tongue had something sweet but also sour to it.

"You're doing well," Wonhee hissed and she felt the delicate fingers tighten in her hair as the short woman shifted closer to her. "I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure."

Dodo smiled a little because Wonhee was very good at giving unspecific answers, especially when she didn't want to share the specific ones.

_Because there's not enough trust for that._

She understood, after all, her childhood friend was already allowing her more than she had expected. Pushing the pearls to the side carefully, she leaned in and licked over the other woman's clit again, sucking it into her mouth carefully to not provide too much pleasure at once. It seemed intimate, much more so than pleasing a man. The mere knowledge that it was Wonhee made her heart beat furiously and encouraged her to try harder and taste more of the unexpected sweetness.

"I like your taste too," she added and tried again, licking and sucking in succession while playing with her tongue right after. Wonhee had a pink color to her, much lighter than her own, but maybe that was also because of their difference in skin color. Somehow Dodo couldn't find herself disliking anything about the other woman, everything seemed perfect and desirable.

"Fuck, just like that," Wonhee whispered and moved against her tongue, moaning softly. "Your lips feel like heaven, they're so soft, oh my god." The grip on her hair tightened before Wonhee forced herself to let go and tried fisting the carpet instead.

"It's fine," she murmured against the delicious wetness and followed the encouragement, continuing with an alternation of licks and sucks while making sure to keep stimulating. Her own body burned up from the sounds and the fingers that had been in her hair before. "Pull my hair."

"I'm sorry, I usually ride my partner's face, so it's been a while and I'm completely blank with you." The dark gaze settled on her and Wonhee returned her fingers that grabbed a fistful of her hair and slowly pushed her face against the other woman's groin.

She hummed because she enjoyed the sensation against her scalp and curled her hands tighter around Wonhee's thighs. Dodo loved how the skin felt under her fingertips and the way it gave in when she applied pressure. The same was true for the moans she was able to evoke from the woman that could seem so composed when the lights weren't blue.

_But when they are, it feels like she can be with you._

"You're driving me crazy, Dodo." Wonhee arched her back and pushed her heel into her lower back, encouraging her to continue. She hummed again and buried her face between the other woman's legs, responding to the increasing signs of urgency by adding more vigor to her licks and the way she sucked on the other woman's clit. She liked how well she could see it in the flexing stomach and thighs, in the breathless moans and the way her hair was pulled. She wanted Wonhee to feel so good that she exploded.

_Is this what you were yearning for? To make her feel good instead of tasting her skin?_

At some point the curvy body started moving along with her tongue, accompanied by moans and she could see the way Wonhee reacted, nipples hard and goosebumps spread all over the pale skin. Then there was nothing, no sound but she could feel the other woman's muscles tense, how she stopped breathing and then breathed again and finally came with a loud moan of her name and a tremble that passed from her thighs to her chest, back arched and panting loudly.

_Holy shit._

Dodo observed while letting the beautiful woman use her lips the way she liked, still licking carefully as she couldn't believe how breathtaking Wonhee was when she let go, when all the tension suddenly disappeared from her body for a few seconds and there was nothing but bliss. The pale body was covered in blush, but to her it seemed like sparks, sparks of color that began at her fingertips and grew more and more vibrant as they travelled towards her middle. Wonhee was a masterpiece, the true one.

_You have to paint her._

The moments full of silence and bliss didn't last long and the black hair appeared in her sight as Wonhee simply grabbed her face and pulled her up, warm tongue licking over and into her mouth. She instantly kissed back and regretted not undressing before.

The two of them were on the carpet but it didn't matter. Both of them were breathless and she couldn't get enough of the other woman's softness against her lean self, the total opposite physically but at the moment they were as close as possible.

"I want to take them off. Take off all of your clothes and feel you," Wonhee whispered between the kisses and reached for her shirt, unbuttoning it quickly. The pleasant voice sounded a little rough but also sensual and the way the black-haired woman spoke seemed different. The way she imagined Wonhee spoke to a lover of hers.

_Is it because she is aroused? _

Dodo had always talked dirty with her sexual partners, but she couldn't imagine talking that way to Wonhee. Stroking along the round cheek, she nodded and sat up on top of the naked woman. Her fingers easily removed her blouse that sat low on her shoulders and added her bra to the heap. Her jeans were a little more difficult and she smiled because it wasn't an elegant sight as she pulled them down her long legs, remaining in her panties. The soft cotton was soaked, but it was no surprise.

Wonhee sat up and wrapped one arm around her waist while her curved mouth immediately found one of her nipples and sucked on it. The other woman didn't seem to mind that her underwear was soaked, or that she sat right on top of her, Wonhee simply took her the way she was just at that moment and worshiped her independent of her state.

It felt good and fueled the pent-up arousal, so she moaned and let her eyes flutter shut, basking in how skillful Wonhee was at pleasuring her. Before, she wouldn't have imagined orgasming without the three necessary ingredients, but the way the black-haired woman made her burn left no doubts anymore.

"Touch me," she gasped, giving in to the expression of desire instead of remaining quiet. Her thighs trembled slightly, and she opened her eyes to watch Wonhee's pretty face. "Please."

"Was it enough last time or would you like more?" She felt the other woman slip her right hand between their bodies to pull her panties to the side before carefully circling her clit, spreading the wetness and using it to make the touch feel better. "I have many possibilities to make you feel good and if you have something specific in mind, just tell me." Again, the curved mouth closed around one of her nipples and Wonhee played with it with her tongue, black eyes glancing up occasionally to check her reaction.

She leaned back and rested her weight on her arms as she basked in the feeling of pleasure that centered in her groin. Dodo registered that there was a question and that she had to reply to it, but for now she felt content with what Wonhee was gifting her, how easily those delicate hands were able to arouse her further. Her mind still circled around the way her childhood friend looked during orgasm.

"I like to feel full," she murmured eventually and ignored the images that appeared in front of her inner eye by focusing on Wonhee's gorgeous face instead. "But what you did before was really nice too. I'm not sure because I don't have any experience with tenderness."

“I have some ideas and we can try them out if you like? I’ll be tender if you want me to,” Wonhee whispered and gestured for her to stand up, placing a brief kiss on her lips and moving towards her bedroom. There was some shuffling and she heard Wonhee talk on the phone for some reason, before the black-haired woman appeared again, wearing a simple black dress over her bra-less chest and hurriedly looking for her bag.

_What's going on? _

Dodo remained seated on the soft carpet in the hallway, underwear pulled to the side and heart hammering in her chest as she struggled to understand what was going on.

“I’m sorry but I have to leave, Dior… I need to go there.” The black-haired woman slipped into her shoes, before quickly turning towards her. “You can stay if you like, but I don’t know when I’ll be back.” Without awaiting a reply, her childhood friend disappeared behind the door that closed with a loud and alien sound.

She stared at the dark wood, listening to the perfect silence broken only by her heartbeat that kept interrupting it in her ears with loud thumps.

_She just left._

Dodo would have chuckled about the irony of the situation if she hadn't felt like falling apart into the bunch of tiny black chunks that she consisted of. Swallowing down whatever emotional reaction her body was preparing, she crawled over the carpet and looked for her jeans that she mindlessly pulled over her legs. The vibrant red lines that her nails left told her she was being too rough, but she couldn't really feel them. Maybe that was good, safer.

Her bra and blouse were next, arranged on her slim chest and covering most of her skin. She didn't know why she felt the need, but she also grabbed her hoodie and pulled it over her head before rolling up on the carpet and taking a few deep breaths.

_Is this what it felt like?_

She doubted it, after all there had been intimacy before, the need to spend the last day together because she was greedy. Wonhee hadn't been able to bear it back then, leaving before the next morning when Dodo grabbed her bag and left for the airport.

_This is different because it’s about priorities, human priorities. _

She had become used to be the only one, being the only person that mattered in the other woman's life. It was too damn easy. She couldn't equate her experience with Wonhee's. Just because she stayed alone all this time with only her memories to hold onto desperately, didn't mean that everybody else did the same.

_You don't matter anymore. That's what she meant. Whatever happened to you all this time, she doesn't know you, but she knows her._

Dior had been there for Wonhee while she was drowning in her misery. Dodo had just left, so how could she compete with that?

The burning in her chest only intensified and she hated the feeling of needing to stop breathing or to produce a different sensation, anything to use as a distraction. Wrapping the warm fabric of her hoodie tighter around herself, she buried her nose in the carpet and tried to stop thinking, to stop perceiving anything.

_Because you're not a person, you're supposed to be a masterpiece. _

She had become too vulnerable, too easily hurt since her arrival in London. The blackness was catching up and she kept forgetting that she had wanted to abandon it, along with the small spots of color at her core.

_You're on your own, you've always been on your own. The world doesn't wait for you to come around._

Gasping from the pain in her lungs, she realized she had been holding her breath all this time, greedily sucking it into her mouth and struggling to get to her hands and knees. She was too much Dodo and not enough a work of art, falling apart into the black that remained of her.

Her fingers itched for paint, for any instrument that allowed her to transform her into something else, mold the person she was into a work of art. Grabbing the spray paint that she left next to the door, she reached for the black one and marked the spot she had been lying on. It was everything that she left behind, there was no reason to keep it a secret from anybody. The color was vibrant, smelling intensively and sucking up everything that surrounded it, turning it just as black.

_She'll be able to see it like this. You bleed in black._

Calming her breaths to be able to stand up without losing her balance, she grabbed the rest of her paint and hurried out of the apartment, away from the blue light. It made her too vulnerable.

_She's right. You're hurt because of your expectations, because you were expecting to matter only because you did back then._

Her eyes burned, and she felt the need to scratch over them to have a different reason for the burning. She didn't, even if it was only because she needed them for her art, to see if she really created what was in her inner eye.

Dodo didn't bother with a taxi and she also hadn't bothered with her shoes, walking through the streets of London barefoot without really looking at anything. There was nothing to look at.

Her hair was covered by the hood and she could at least pretend that she wasn't really herself, was nobody really, a patch of black that moved from one place to the next until it could finally reach its paint and pretend to be something else.

She didn't know how long she walked but there was a dull ache in her feet when she entered the mostly deserted lobby of the hotel. It must have been in the middle of the night, but that didn't matter either. Only the paint in her room mattered and the fact that it could transform her and everything around her. Even if just for a few seconds.

As soon as she entered her hotel room, she fell on her knees, realizing how bad the throbbing in her legs actually was. Ignoring it as well as she could, Dodo took off her clothes, throwing them aside to remain naked and be able to paint. She opened every bucket of color she had, grabbed the biggest brush and started with herself. She covered her chest in dark colors, mostly black with a hint of bordeaux, knowing that it was the truth, especially now. Her legs were next, followed by her abdomen and finally her arms and face. She couldn't leave a space without paint, neither on herself, nor around her.

Gasping for air because the sensation in her chest remained, she applied color to each spot she touched, turning it pitch black, like she was the one who had tainted it in the first place. There was no way to cover everything in color without touching it and ruining it. As soon as she added bright blue to the floor surrounding her, she smeared black on top, knowing that she couldn't avoid it.

_You have to create a place for yourself, one where nothing can be tainted. _

She hadn't bothered to close the door, but it didn't matter. Crawling towards the bed and rubbing the color from her calves on the previously light wood, she grabbed the black paint and covered the white sheets. It had to be pitch black, perfect for her to stay.

When she finished and even the pillow wasn't recognizable, she threw the brush on the floor and climbed on top of the cold wetness, shivering a little but knowing that it was a place she belonged at least.

_The black won't leave, you know that already._

There was no time and space where she was, in the middle of the darkness that she had created for herself, but a gasp didn’t fit into the silence and neither did the silhouette of a person that stood next to her bed and stared at her without saying a word.

“What did you do, Dodo?” the familiar voice whispered.

She opened her eyes a little wider and tried to suppress another shiver that passed through her slim body. The black sheets stuck to her but didn't provide any comfort.

"I painted," she whispered in reply and lifted her hand to her face, stretching out her painted fingers and staring at the white ceiling through them. She missed Wonhee's ceilings, those knew what to show.

“Why would you do that? You are shivering, and this looks like a nightmare.” The short woman stood there unmoving and stared for a long time before finally deciding to come closer.

_What a nice description._

"It is a nightmare," she replied and wrapped her arms around her waist before letting her eyes fall shut again. "One that became reality."

“What became reality? What happened? Don’t tell me it’s because I left! I’m so sorry, but I had to, it was an emergency,” the other woman muttered quietly before sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching out to touch her cold arm.

She jerked, but not because she didn't like the sensation of heat. It was rather that it kept her from remaining still, a work of art instead of a human.

"No, you just helped me realize something." She inhaled slowly, feeling the air burn in her lungs. It was so cold suddenly, like she had been in a frozen lake without realizing.

_Maybe the sea finally got you._

“Realize what, Dodo? That you have to cover everything in black paint and freeze to death? Why would you do that, you crazy bitch?” Wonhee’s voice broke and the short woman stood up. However, instead of leaving, she took off her dress and underwear and crawled onto the bed, wrapping her hot, naked body around her.

"I don't know if the paint is dry," she murmured, but didn't stop the warmth from surrounding her. It was calming, like she could see the blurry surface of the lake if she opened her eyes wide enough. "I realized that just because I wasn't moving, it doesn't mean that the world was standing still."

“That’s not true, Dodo. I know that I have changed, but so have you. You were different back then, even though you keep saying that you stayed the same. You are lying to yourself, but I don’t understand why. Change is great, even if it hurts and instead of trying to paint everything, you can try to look at what's underneath all that. I know… I know that it was an unlucky moment to leave, but I had to because Dior was in trouble. It doesn’t mean that you are not important to me. That’s why I’m here at 4 a.m.” Wonhee pulled her flush against her soft chest and kissed her painted lips.

"There is nothing underneath, Wonhee. I still don't belong." She didn't know where to gesture to explain because the cold, dark place she created for herself seemed like the only one she belonged. "I'm not a real human, but I'm not a piece of art either. I'm something in between and of course somebody else should matter more. Somebody who was there for you all this time while I just left and painted my life black. Like now, only from the inside."

“The only thing that stayed unchanged is that you’re a fool, Dodo. You were back then, and you still are now. You want it to be dark around you? Fine, sure, whatever you want, but it won’t change the fact that I want your cold self next to me and that I will kiss you no matter what color you decide to paint yourself. It doesn’t matter to me, because I still see, and I still like the things that make you Dodo.” The delicate hands cupped her face carefully as Wonhee slipped on top of her and leaned in. First the black hair was tickling her painted skin before she could feel the warm mouth on hers, so much hotter because she was freezing.

There was burning in her eyes and she hated it, she hated it because she wanted to give in. She wanted to wrap herself around the beautiful woman in her arms and be Dodo, even if she was the one who treasured the contact more.

"Why do you always care?" she whispered and held her breath as hot liquid escaped her eyes and ran down her cheek, probably taking along some of the paint that she had tried to hide behind.

Wonhee stroked her face and her neck, brushed over her hair and she felt the soft breasts against her own chest. “Because that’s also something that hasn’t changed. I can’t help but get involved with you because you make me feel special, even though I’m not.”

_She isn't only special, she's unique. _

"You are." She pulled her lips into her mouth to contain a sob and wrapped her arms around the other woman, holding her close. "You're the most special person to me. There is nobody else for me, Wonhee."

“Well, I can’t say that there is only you in my life. For that you’ve been away for too long and came in too recently, but I can tell you that there is nobody else who shines so brightly. You shine, even if you try to cover it. There is no place I’d rather be right now, Dodo.” The kisses were so affectionate and soft, almost like a cloud, catching her sobs and comforting her with the warmth and body contact that she seemed to need so badly.

It felt like one of her dreams again, warmth that was only there for as long as her consciousness wasn't.

"Please be real," she begged and buried her face in the other woman's neck, painting it in smears of black and tears, but her childhood friend didn't seem to care. "Please don't leave me alone."

“I came to stay with you tonight. I even brought clothes and other things and took a shower, but now that we’re going to be a painting I should’ve probably ditched it and came right away.” Wonhee smiled, kissing her cheek and raked her soft fingers through her hair. “I can't help liking you, you’re too Dodo. My beautiful, gorgeous Dodo that explodes in every color of the rainbow. The Dodo I like.”

The words got to her and she had to hold her breath as her arms tightened around the beautiful woman and held her flush against her chest. Like a treasure, because that was exactly what she was.

"I love you, Wonhee," she whispered and for the first time she wasn't too sure which of the raging feelings in her chest she was trying to describe.

***

There was a lot of emotional labor to do that night. First, she was worrying like crazy, driving through London to get Dodo back from the dangerous area. Then she was horny as hell because of the stupid pearl underwear that reminded her how good it felt to be touched. Letting go on her carpet in the hallway, she came from the breathtaking sensation of Dodo’s lips pleasuring her. Her childhood friend had been hesitant at first, but at the same time it felt so special, so extraordinarily good that Wonhee had been determined to do everything to make the brown-haired woman feel the most gentle and overwhelming pleasure she could give.

_It would've been too perfect. _

She couldn’t because Dior called, telling that a customer was an asshole and that ‘it would be nice to drink a glass of wine if she had time’ which meant that it had been terrible and her best friend needed her more than anything, so she left Dodo half-naked in her hallway, perfectly aware of the self-loathing that already seeped through that one glance she gave her before turning around and leaving. The guilt drove her mad and she had this uncomfortable feeling that something was about to happen. That Dodo wouldn’t be Dodo, if she simply waited for her to return.

An empty apartment greeted her when she came back, and she knew that she had to see the brown-haired woman as soon as she saw the black spray paint staining the carpet. She wasn’t even mad. It had been her fault. Showering quickly and packing a few toys into her bag just in case, she made her way to the hotel, to make sure to explain why she left and that it had nothing to do with Dodo, that the situation had been an emergency, that Wonhee had wanted to be with her.

It was black.

Everything was covered in the dark paint, the floor, the bed and the woman on top of it, lying there unmoving with her eyes closed. First, she thought the worst possible outcome, but the other woman’s chest rose and sank softly. Looking closely, she saw her shivering and it meant she wasn’t too late. But who knew, maybe she was. She didn’t know what happened inside Dodo’s mind. Why she covered herself in paint, unable to think clearly, unable to be herself and unable to breathe without tears running down her cheeks when Wonhee finally gained the courage to just do something. To undress and to embrace the woman that was more than gorgeous, independent of the work of art she tried to create out of herself.

Looking at the dark paint covering the woman’s soft features she realized once again how breathtakingly beautiful Dodo was. How overwhelming her eyes were, glistening in the barely lit room and so bright in contrast with the paint. Wonhee gasped as she combined the soft touches and kisses with what her eyes could see, with what she felt when she lay there embracing the only woman that had ever made her feel this way.

“I love you, Wonhee,” Dodo whispered right into her ear and she had trouble controlling her emotions, even though the other woman had spoken those words so many times when they were younger, so many times that it should’ve been meaningless, a simple word that was said into the nothing to bridge the silence, but it wasn’t. Not for her. Not after all these years, and especially not after what she felt while being next to Dodo. In the here and now.

“What are you even saying?” she whispered and swallowed down the lump in her throat, concentrating on the sensations against her lips, skin and fingertips.

"The truth," the low voice replied as plump lips brushed over her neck, kissing it softly.

She sighed, deciding that talking about it would only make her hurt and shifted lower, kissing Dodo’s lips that tasted like paint. “I caught myself liking every image you create out of yourself. Even this one. I was scared that you did something to yourself, but after I saw that you were okay, I thought about how beautiful you looked on the bed.”

Dodo lifted her head, surprise obvious on her pretty features.

"But I thought you love color," she murmured before a hint of guilt passed through the brown eyes. "I thought about it, of doing something, but then it would keep me away from art. I couldn't allow that."

“I would do anything, only for you to exist. I thought so many times about you at different stages of my life, I imagined what you were doing now that I did this or that. I imagined how happy you were that you left and that you didn’t have any regrets and that got me moving forwards somehow. I can’t be if you aren’t, Dodo. I need you, even if you are not close to me, even if you leave a thousand times, I still need you. I don’t think you ever understood how deep…” She stopped, inhaling sharply and swallowing a big gulp of air right after to distract from the painful constrictions in her chest. This night should only be about Dodo.

"How deep?" the brown-haired woman repeated and stroked over her back, eyes observing her intently. "Tell me, Wonhee."

“How deeply you’re carved in every cell of my body and in my thoughts, Dodo.” She remembered their last evening, when the brown-haired woman had carved the face into the wall of the ministry in Stockholm. She has never been there again. It hurt too much. “Like that face in the wall.”

Instead of showing confusion, Dodo only nodded and stroked over her hair, plump lips kissing her own briefly.

"To me you have always been the salvation, the thoughts that led me away from the situation I was in. Every time you're next to me, I'm scared that I will wake up and your presence will dissipate into the fine sand that I slept on." Soft, but cold fingertips traced the outline of her jaw before caressing her cheek. "You've always been the person that could get to me, the one that I needed the most. Nothing has changed about that, even if you did."

“I keep thinking about what Dior told me. That you met me by chance. I mean, she is right, you did. You didn’t try to find me. It was by chance and I guess I have to enjoy it as long as it lasts.” She chuckled and glanced at her bag. “I definitely changed. The Wonhee from back then wouldn’t have taken sex toys along to comfort somebody.”

"Probably because you didn't own any." Dodo smiled back and sat up on her calves. The slim woman was still freezing, goosebumps covering her painted skin and nipples hardened. Suddenly the gorgeous smile disappeared, just like the plump lips until Dodo finally spoke. "I met you by chance, but I was also convinced that I would be intruding because time has passed. It's true, Wonhee, I forcefully entered your life that didn't have space for me anymore, just as I thought I would."

_No._

"You fucking idiot." Wonhee sat up too and stared at the breathtaking woman that looked so elegant and vulnerable, covered in paint and brown hair falling on her shoulders. "Don't you dare take this away from me," she whispered, moving forward and climbing on top of her lap, grabbing her pretty face and covering it with kisses.

Dodo's eyes widened, but she reached out and stroked over her waist, caressing the soft skin before she let her cold palms rest on top of her thighs. Instead of replying to her, the brown-haired woman kissed her, eyes fluttering shut and heartbeat thumping against her fingertips.

Wonhee loved it, she loved the slightly cool skin under her thighs, she loved the lips that felt like a cloud, surrounding her. She was in love with the way Dodo shifted under her when she pulled her flush against her body and kissed her neck. She loved all of it. "Don't ever assume that you know what you mean to me, Dodo."

"I don't," the low voice breathed out against her neck before her chest was covered in kisses and a hot tongue traced the form of her collarbone. "But I'm greedy. I want to become more than a memory. You make me want to be whole human, Wonhee, not just a single patch of color surrounded by black."

"You are more than a memory and you are more than a friend I said goodbye to. I still can't believe that you are here with me like this and I'm not imagining things." A gasp left her lips because Dodo's mouth was incomparable to anything else, making her nipples harden in seconds.

She could feel the other woman smile against her skin until plump lips closed around her right breast, sucking lightly.

"Now that is something that we have in common," Dodo whispered and let the tip of her tongue rub over her nipple. "Would you wash the darkness off me? I don't need it when I have you."

"No. I decided this won't do," she whispered, slipped from Dodo's warm lap and from the bed. It wasn't hard to find the black paint and the brush that the other woman had left next to it, carelessly staining the wooden floors. Dipping the tip into the container, Wonhee started covering herself in paint, until there were only a few spots left. "Should be nothing between us now," she said and crawled onto the bed, not bothering to wait until the paint dried on her skin.

Dodo stared at her, eyes wide and lips slightly parted. The color that had covered the other woman's mouth was almost gone, leaving the familiar red that fit so well with the brown eyes.

"But why?" was the hesitant question as the brown-haired woman didn't wait for the paint to dry either and simply wrapped her arms around her, nose brushing over her cheek.

"Because I promised to be with you in the black and you promised to come with me to the dark place. I'm here now. But the darkness is bearable when I'm with you." She smiled and kissed the gorgeous woman, wondering whether Dodo's craziness rubbed off on her. "Do you think I'm weird for doing this? I just felt like it, I don't know. Fuck. Just kiss me, so I stop feeling like an idiot."

"I love that you did that." The cloud-like lips met hers and she felt how Dodo smiled into the kiss, lips spread wide. "You belong with me, Wonhee." Curling her arms tightly around her waist, the tall woman rolled on her back, taking her along and shining as she looked at her despite all the paint. Her first love looked so happy.

"Let me kiss you," she whispered, deciding to not say anything stupid and emotional and started littering the other woman's painted body with kisses, licking the color off her nipples like a crazy bitch and travelling down until she was between her legs, feeling the arousal hit her immediately. She loved the way Dodo felt and her scent when she was aroused. Licking her lips, Wonhee placed an open-mouthed kiss against her groin and licked over her clit, circling it carefully.

"Shit, thank god I didn't paint that," Dodo gasped and chuckled right after, long legs sliding apart to give her more space. Beautiful tremors passed through the slim body, showing that the other woman was more sensitive than she let on. "No matter what you do, it always gets to me."

"I don't want it to be no matter what, I want it to be the best. I want you to feel loved when you're with me." Wonhee didn't know why she said that, so she compensated by wrapping her hands around the woman's lean thighs and increased her efforts, simultaneously thinking about which of the toys would be best in case Dodo asked for it.

The other woman had her eyes closed and her teeth nibbling on her bottom lip, but she smiled upon hearing her words.

"I do, I always do with you," Dodo moaned and reached out to brush through her hair, tugging slightly. The lean thighs flexed against her hands. "It's my feelings that seem to be a mystery to you."

_It's because you can feel the way she comes against your tongue, but you can't feel the way she thinks or feels about you. It's either exploding in all colors or it's just black._

Again, Wonhee decided to keep quiet, reaching with her right hand to grab the bag that was right next to the bed. "Would you like me to make you feel full, or does it feel good like this?" Shit, she wanted to make love to Dodo. Not in the exploring kind of way, but the kind when both partners knew what the other liked and it was just motions, breathless pleading and intense pleasure.

"Fill me up," Dodo breathed out and somehow it didn't quite sound like her. Instead the words had something practiced, like the brown-haired woman had spoken them without depth before. The way the slim body tensed told her that she wasn't the only one who realized.

"I like to feel full, so please -" the low voice added, sounding genuine this time.

Wonhee nodded, forcing the love making thought to the back and taking the black toy out of her bag, knowing well enough how it felt in her hand to recognize it without looking. The silicone felt nice against her skin and she doubted that Dodo needed any lube, even though she had thrown it in her bag in case the other woman wanted anything else. Licking over the velvety tip of the toy, she glanced at the gorgeous woman once again to make sure that it was okay. "I'll use my tongue too, so please tell me if something is up, then we will stop. Or would you like me to kiss you instead?"

"Kiss me," the brown-haired woman murmured and stretched out her arms, watching her intently. "I want to feel your skin under my fingertips, it feels real."

She nodded, understanding that it was probably weird to have some chick between your legs stuffing you with toys. She often experienced it with partners who were bi that needed a bit more body contact when they wanted to be penetrated.

Crawling up, Wonhee immediately kissed the thick lips, wondering if it wasn't her who wanted to kiss. Her right hand wandered between their bodies and she slid the toy along Dodo's lips and clit, lubricating it. The kiss deepened, and she carefully slipped the toy into Dodo's body

A hiss was the first reaction she got before the other woman lifted her legs a little and kissed her with more vigor. Dodo must really enjoy penetration, adjusting her position all by herself as if she was used to taking care of it on her own.

"I like how it feels," the brown-haired woman murmured and licked into her mouth, plump lips brushing over her own sensually.

"I like the way you move, but I really want to be between your legs right now," Wonhee whined into the kiss and rubbed her thighs together, aroused by the thought alone.

Dodo kissed her once more before throwing her head on the black pillow and nodding, breaths picking up quickly and hands obviously yearning to do something, probably touch herself the way the other woman had told her about before.

"Just grab my hair, gorgeous," she said and crawled down, immediately resuming the motions of her hand and sucking Dodo's clit into her mouth, almost moaning at how much she loved the other woman's taste and scent.

The moans that she was blessed with, pulled at the tension in her groin, like a coil that tightened as Dodo rubbed her hair over the dried paint and finally reached for her black hair, tugging at it in encouragement.

"Shit, this feels good," the tall woman groaned and spread her legs wider.

She didn't usually brag about it, but she was better at using dildos than most men could use their penises. It was time to show it as Dodo was someone who enjoyed it. She changed the angle and went a little faster, unable to suck with the movements, but rubbing her hand against the other woman's clit in circular motions instead. "You look gorgeous, fuck," she muttered, feeling so extremely aroused by the sight alone that she flexed her pelvic muscles a few times, but it only made her more aroused.

"Let me- lift my legs," Dodo moaned and grabbed her thighs with her big palms, pulling them up and wrapping her arms around them while still enjoying the motions of the toy inside of her. The tall woman seemed to love the position as her toes curled and she kept gasping for air, eyes shut.

Moving the toy gave her the opportunity to enjoy the sight in front of her. It wasn't usual, in fact it was crazy, black paint everywhere, only a few bits of skin shimmering through here and there, but it was so fitting to the way she felt. It was insane. She was insane.

_This feels different and you know it. You know that you're only like this with her._

_Liar._

"Fuck me, Wonhee," Dodo moaned and this time it didn't sound practiced. The words were breathless, like the gorgeous woman didn't really think about what she was saying and merely gave in to the pleasure that made the muscles in her abdomen contract and her long fingers dig into the skin of her thighs.

She hummed and moved faster, thinking about the fact that she had a strap on and other amazing toys at home for the ‘fuck me, Wonhee'. She might not look like it, but she worked out, so fucking someone with a dildo wasn't a problem at all. The problem was a different one.

_Your feelings are the problem._

Banning the thoughts from entering her consciousness, she increased her efforts and continued the circling motions against Dodo's clit, watching the tall woman that had painted herself black, because she left to take care of a friend, lose herself in front of her eyes. What was she doing? What was Wonhee doing? She had no idea.

"A little faster, I'm close," the other woman forced out and squeezed her eyes shut. Her lean legs were trembling from the effort of keeping them perfectly still while pleasure soared through her body. Sweat drops were developing on Dodo's forehead and washing off more of the paint, leaving golden bits of skin that shone through. "I'm so fucking close."

Wonhee was sweating too, but it didn't matter, it was a mess anyway. Slamming the toy into the woman under her, she went faster and panted herself even though she wasn't the one to feel the pleasure.

The slim body froze in place as Dodo's lips parted and she murmured her name in succession, shaking for a few seconds until the tension dissipated and she gasped for air. Wonhee could feel the contractions of muscles pushing against the toy, changing the angle and creating resistance against her wrist.

The brown-haired woman let go of her thighs and let her legs drop next to her hips, big hands caressing her body and sliding through the mixture of paint and sweat.

"You're driving me mad, Wonhee. Usually I just run away after orgasm, but you make me want the intimacy. All of it. Come here." Stretching out her arms, Dodo reached for her as teeth nibbled on her bottom lip.

She felt a little overwhelmed but managed to remove the toy and wiped her forehead with the back of her hand, probably covering everything in a mix of sweat and paint.

"Will you let me touch you too, or is it too much?" Observing her with big eyes and rough breaths leaving her lips, Dodo stroked over her back and placed kisses on her lips and cheeks.

"I'm fine," she lied and smiled, wrapping her arms around Dodo's middle, head placed on her bony shoulder. "I have a lot of experience, but none of it involved black paint."

"It's because I'm crazy," the low voice replied, but it didn't sound like a joke, rather like the brown-haired woman had accepted it as a fact. "I understand if you don't trust me, you don't need to lie."

Exhaling loudly, Dodo shifted to make it more comfortable on the painted bed and stroked through her hair, massaging her scalp along the way.

"I know I might be the only one who remembers but-" Again Dodo shifted even though it wasn't necessary and pulled her naked body flush against hers, thighs touching. "Do you still enjoy that poem you loved reciting back then? The one you told me about one night when... I was crying."

"Mhm, I love it. It reminds me of you," Wonhee whispered. "Why do I feel so vulnerable next to you, Dodo? Why does the black paint cover you but exposes me?"

"It doesn't cover me, Wonhee. It lets the color from the inside bleed into my skin." Warm fingers stroked over her shoulders and cheek as the brown-haired woman smiled at her, looking more like herself with most of the black gone and only fragments left on her face. "I tried to remember the poem, but I was never able to. There is only your voice and the expression on your face when you recited it, small smile pulling at the curved corners of your lips."

_The poem is about her, that's why. _

"I might cry," she murmured, but inhaled sharply, fingers of her right hand wrapping around Dodo's thin forearm as if to hold on, even though there was no salvation in that. Closing her eyes, she started with a whisper:

the first time you touched me

i exploded into a color

i had never seen.

it was something like the sky in spring

when the sun has just set.

lavender blending into pigeon blue

and indigo at my tips

_but not quite. _

maybe it was more the color of that last light in summer

that touches everything

and paints the air all shades of salmon and thulian pink.

that makes every bird bow its head

in awe and with their last breath sing the sky to sleep.

or maybe it went like this:

_you touch me _

_and i become _

_the north star at dusk. _

_glistening, flickering in her wake. _

_always lonely _

_but always brilliant. _

_(by Liska Pleines)_

She knew that it would happen, but as soon as the word lonely slipped past her lips the first tear ran down her face. "It's as if she wrote this about the way I see you," Wonhee whispered. "About me meeting you, only to stay back alone and realize all those things after you were gone."

Dodo didn't speak, but she could feel the warm exhales against her skin while the embrace only tightened, keeping her as close as possible.

"But you already loved the poem back then," the brown-haired woman murmured eventually and kissed her forehead. "It always got to me because I felt similar unless I was next to you. There was just me and color, unless you were with me."

"I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't think that you understood the poem. It's about love, Dodo. I loved you and I felt like I exploded in a thousand colors when you were with me. You were the only place I felt I belonged, my home, my color, my galaxy. You were everything. Back then." Wonhee wasn't being fair. She had never told her childhood friend that she had been in love with her until they met after ten long years. How could she have known? "I'm sorry. That was my bitterness speaking. You didn't know because I never told you."

Dodo hummed and merely kept holding her, brown eyes meeting hers in a gaze she hadn't seen before. It looked emotional, but she couldn't quite pinpoint what it was.

"How did you find out?" the slim woman asked and inhaled softly. "How did you realise that you loved me all this time? That it wasn't attachment that could be easily replaced by another person who was able to give you more?"

"I realized on the day you left. When I told you that I loved you and it was the first time that I realized that it was what it was. That you were the person I loved. That it had been the reason for dying on the inside when you told me that you were leaving me. I was begging for the pain to stop but it never did, Dodo. It still hurts sometimes. Even though you're here, I read this poem and it still hurts because I can't handle the heaviness and value that your presence gives me. I'm so… different when I'm with you, but I can't do it by myself. I am torn between the strong business woman that can secure millions in funding and isn't afraid to fight for what is right and the girl that just wants to cry under the blue lights because she never managed to get over the fact that the only person she has ever loved left her without a trace. Now you're back, but the girl doesn't know. I think she might think she's dreaming." Wonhee chuckled and pressed her nose into Dodo's paint covered skin, inhaling sharply.

_It's you. You know that she will leave you again, so what's the point in getting used to her presence._

"But I'm really here," Dodo whispered and there was a tremble in her voice as fingers raked through her hair, stroking over her head right after in a calming motion. "It also feels like a dream to me, simply because thoughts of you were my only escape. I just don't understand how you can be so sure about what love feels like. There is nothing to compare this to. For me there had only been you and nobody else. How can I know what I feel if I only know that I need you?"

Looking up, Wonhee swallowed, climbed out of the embrace and from the bed, wearing her underwear and dress and walking towards the door before turning around, fingers grabbing the handle tightly.

"How does that feel?" she asked.

The slim woman lifted off the sheets, eyes wide and hands trembling as she watched her, emotions so familiar on the beautiful face.

"It makes me want to die."

"But friends can make up and everything, right? So why does it feel like this?" Wonhee wiped a few tears away but kept standing there, holding onto the handle as if it would've saved her from the way she herself reacted to her own actions.

"Because I don't know if I'll be able to see you again, if you'll want to see me," Dodo whispered and covered her eyes with her right palm, shoulders shaking a little.

"But why? Aren't you my friend? Why wouldn't I want to see you? Tell me!" Her voice broke and she swallowed down another wave of tears, barely managing to not make any sounds.

"Because-" Dodo gasped for air, struggling to get the words out and kept her palm over her eyes even though tears were already running down her cheeks. "Because I hurt you so much that you might want to abandon the source of it, return to normality that accepts you instead of the crazy that is me."

"I should, right? It would make so much sense, right? But I can't do it, Dodo. I can't abandon you. I can't abandon you because I love you." She let go of the handle and sank to the cold floor, hugging her knees and staring at the black color that Dodo covered everything with. She wanted to be smeared on the hotel floors instead of feeling, instead of hurting so much because she couldn't abandon, and she couldn't stop. She loved, and she kept loving the person that stared at her from the black bed.

She heard paint cracking on the sheets, littering the ground in dry pieces that accompanied the soft steps that came closer. Dodo should have left her to her misery and unrequited feelings instead of fueling the need for closeness, but the brown-haired woman wrapped her arms around her body and knees and rested her head on her shoulder. Warm tears were still staining the round cheeks and soaked her dress, but Dodo didn't say anything, merely breathing softly to control her tears.

"Please don't pity me, Dodo. Don't do this to me. Fuck." Instead of being strong, standing up and leaving, showing that she was okay with her feelings, that she could still act the way she wanted to, Wonhee stayed on the floor, crying bitterly and longing to hold the beautiful woman in her arms.

"I'm not." Tears kept soaking her dress as Dodo tightened her grip, pulling her back flush against the other woman's chest. "I'm merely hating myself for feeling so relieved that you stayed even though you're hurting. I have no words for my feelings, Wonhee, but I'm dying without you."

"Don't hate yourself, there's no reason to. You're not at fault. It's my inability to let go. You always praised my persistence. See where it got me?" She chuckled and sobbed at the same time. "No matter what you feel, this is not friendship, Dodo. It's not because I don't feel the way a friend would feel about you. I love you and everything about you. I paint myself black, only to feel closer to you, I'm completely insane about you, leaving my best friend after one hour because I felt so bad leaving you behind. God, I am the worst seriously." Unable to resist, she turned around and wrapped her arms around Dodo, burying her wet face in the crook of her neck. "I'm sorry. I always imagined that we would meet without any ill feelings and I would have moved on and you would've never cared in the first place and I could joke how much I loved you back then, but I guess the Iron Man suit leaked from the start."

"I've always cared," Dodo whispered into her ear and held her close, stroking over her hair and back in slow circles. "I know that I'm not your best friend anymore and I'm not naive enough to believe that this is a friendship, but what else can I be for you, Wonhee? Can I be your lover without hurting you? I'm scared, I don't want to break you. You're too precious."

"Don't assume that I'm weak only because I have feelings for you. I've had them for a long time and survived well. You ask what you can be for me? You've always been my everything, Dodo. No matter how much time passed, I've never met anybody like you. There is only you occupying that space. You want to be my lover? Or are you trying to save me from heartbreak? Don't bother, I'll be fine. I shouldn't have told you, but then again, my feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. It's a fact that I lived with for a long time." She needed to get herself under control. Like this, her words had absolutely no meaning.

"I meant it, Wonhee. I love you, even if I can't be sure it compares to the way you feel about me. I want to be with you and you are the only person I feel at ease with. Dodo only exists next to you and I'm not sure what I become as soon as you're not around. You see the colors and you make me feel them. But-" Dodo held her breath and the hand that stroked over her hair paused. "I don't want to lie to you. I can't promise to stay. I don't know if I'll be able to without the black taking over the way it did today."

"You think I'm surprised about that? I knew that you would leave as soon as I saw your face for the first time in ten years. You don't need to promise me anything. I don't need anything, Dodo. I'm fine. I'm not the person that smiled through the pain and stayed with you during your last day, I'm grown up and I have other things that are important to me. You don't need to baby me and promise me things. You need to tell me what you want from me and I can tell you whether I'm willing to do that or not." Wonhee coughed a few times and decided that it was enough. Enough tears and confessions that led to nothing, so she stood up and pulled the tall woman up too, staring at her big brown eyes.

"I've always hoped that there would be a support system for you, I've been so sure of it. The way you hold yourself and seeing your life showed me that it's true," Dodo murmured with a smile, but didn't answer her question yet. The warm gaze passed over her lips and nose and settled on her eyes, stretching the silence between them. There was yearning but also a hint of hesitation.

"I want to be your lover, Wonhee. If you'll let me."


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 6th of December at 2 PM CET.  
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_You're so fucking selfish._

How could she speak of love and consider herself more than a friend, if she was the one stepping on the feelings of the person that mattered the most to her?

Wonhee was devastated, a slave to her feelings of love and hurt by her childhood friend's departure, but instead of giving her the space she might have needed to recover, Dodo kept coming closer.

_You don't want to drown in the black, do you?_

Being next to Wonhee felt so real, like she was more than the paint that she applied to her brush, like the thoughts in her head mattered and the stories she was able to tell were heard by somebody. The black-haired woman was able to grasp the colors in her chest with her delicate fingers and pull them to the surface, along with feelings that Dodo had tried to not have. She had attempted to forget what being a human felt like, but there was one person that had always made her feel like she belonged, even if it was only next to her.

_But you're going to leave again. You won't be able to stay because even if there is a spot in her heart for you, there is nowhere else._

Dodo was crazy, an outsider that had no place in a civilized city like London, a place where people had money and families and feelings. A place where everybody had their colors, even if it was just a bright blue or yellow. Her black had no place in a city like that, not even next to Wonhee.

_Because you feel at ease with her, but she has a life aside from you._

The beautiful woman had told her that her life had changed. There were so many things and people in it, a new best friend, a job she cared about, artists that she collaborated with. There wasn't only Dodo anymore, an artist friend that wanted to be so much more, a past love that still evoked feelings of love in her.

_You'd keep her away from her life, so you cannot stay_.

She knew that she couldn't, that as soon as the project was over, she'd pack her things and jump on the next plane to a country that was going to break her even more, a country that didn't care about how crazy she was because it was broken too.

She knew all that, but still she dared to meet those dark eyes, filled with tears and speak her next words, requesting something that wasn't hers to have.

"I want to be your lover, Wonhee. If you'll let me."

"I think you've been my lover all along, without being aware. I loved you from a distance and despite the distance between us. It didn't change. Truth is that I know that you will hurt me, but I still want this. I want you and I want your colors like a greedy bitch. Be mine for a little while, Dodo." Wonhee's warm fingers travelled up her sides and around her neck.

She swallowed, overwhelmed that the gorgeous woman knew exactly what was going to happen, that she was going to be left behind all over again. Wonhee knew, but still she decided to be with her, even if it meant that the time was limited.

_But don't you feel the same way? _

She knew it too and departures were harder when there was more to lose. That was the reason for staying away from friendships, from any contact with another person that was meaningful.

_But you can't when it's her, because it never stopped being meaningful._

"I will," she whispered and pulled the other woman closer, keeping her cocooned in her embrace. It felt safer this way, like time wasn't passing and the whirlwind of emotions in her chest didn't need to calm down.

"This room, my random confession and the fact that we look as if we bathed in paint is such a perfect representation of what kind of mess this is." Wonhee chuckled and breathed in and out a few times before getting up and pulling her along. "Let's go to my place. They will give me a fat invoice tomorrow. We can't sleep on that bed."

_She's right, you ruined it._

"I'm sorry. I- would offer to pay for it, but I have no money." She chewed on her cheek because having no money was something Wonhee was probably unfamiliar with. It was something Dodo did not dwell on either, maybe that was why she barely took any when she caught her flight back then. Ever since, luxuries became meaningless and basic things gained value. It wasn't like her to create such expenses for somebody else. "I lost it when I returned to the hotel room. Maybe I can work to compensate you, or you can cut it from what you had planned on paying me."

"No, I'll ask a friend to come who is a photographer. It looks terrific and the message is amazing too. You'll have to wait a little until they replace everything after she finishes photographing it. I guess it will take about a day? You can stay at my place or move to another room if you like." Wonhee talked like a professional, like the first time they met after all those years, when she thought that the beautiful woman belonged in London. "Ah and I wanted to tell you that I want you to work more, but forgot, being completely unprofessional about it and talking about feelings even though you're here for work. So long story short, I want you to paint the floors too." Wonhee took out a simple shirt and a short skirt out of her small suitcase and gave them to her.

_This makes it easier for her, doesn't it? _

The switch was sudden, but she could understand. After all, Wonhee preferred to be strong and composed. The black-haired woman felt safer when there was distance and Dodo had come so close but gave her the way out by talking about money. It was partially her fault.

"I'm not sure that I'm here for work," she replied and brushed through her long brown hair. Some of the paint had gotten stuck and made certain strands look black, almost like Wonhee's. "Currently it feels like I am here for you and I'd also prefer to stay with you if you'd let me."

"Mhm. I usually don't deliberately invite my partners to stay over, but you're special. My lover," the other woman whispered and waited until she got dressed to wrap one arm around her waist and pull her into a kiss. It felt strange to be dressed while still covered in paint, but at least she wasn't lying to anybody. The warmth of the curvy body against her distracted her from the sensation.

She loved the way it felt, like the distance Wonhee was able to establish with her words didn't apply to her kisses and the way those delicate hand held onto her. Being called a lover produced a tingling in her lower stomach that didn't feel like arousal. Nobody had ever called her that while making it sound so special.

Wrapping her arms around the gorgeous woman, she kissed back and tried to decipher the scent that was inherently Wonhee under all that paint.

"We have some time to shower and then I'll kiss you to sleep and go to work." Wonhee chuckled, looking at her watch and scrubbing the paint with her nonexistent nails of her right hand. "What a night."

"Indeed," she murmured as she observed the other woman's hands and the way they removed the black so easily, a deed she had never really been able to achieve. "What a night."

Now she desperately hoped that rough hands weren't going to wake her from the sweet dream in which she met her childhood friend and became lovers, even if only for a short while.

_

Dodo wasn't somebody who needed a long time to get used to new environments. She had changed her surroundings too many times for that to be the case.

After waking up and setting her gaze on the black ceiling, she quickly understood and remembered the kiss that had burned on her lips before Wonhee left for work. Back then, it had been similar when the gorgeous girl slipped into her jeans and a blouse and disappeared to classes that she considered a waste of her time. The only reason she graduated was Wonhee and the fact that she preferred to be next to her best friend in class than alone.

_But you have to make sure she gets enough sleep tonight instead of stealing it with kisses._

Sighing, she realized that there was no clothing for her apart from the loose t-shirt Wonhee had given her. She hadn't cared enough to bring any, so there was no need to wear it. Not bothering with underwear either, she simply took another shower to feel clean and decided to shave for the first time in a while. It was a waste of time with her body because it grew so quickly that by the evening she could feel the stubbles on her legs. It was also a way to be considered unattractive for some men and Dodo preferred that most of the time.

Because there was nothing much she could occupy herself with, not having brought enough paint, she simply indulged in a thorough cleaning, scrubbing her arms, legs and torso, shaving everything visible and massaging fruity shampoo into her hair. It felt luxurious and she secretly enjoyed it a little, feeling comfortable in her skin after pampering herself.

_But you don't like being human, so why should all these things matter?_

Maybe it was because it reminded her of back then, back when she had taken comfort and clean water for granted.

Wonhee's apartment was spacious, but she didn't need long to figure out the arrangement and find all the kitchen utensils she considered necessary. There were some things in the fridge and she took the bare minimum to reduce her risk of fainting and made sure to drink a lot of water. It was easier when there was no art to forget herself in.

That is until she found an album with photographed artworks from all over the world. She sat down on the couch with her legs crossed under her butt, wearing only the t-shirt Wonhee gave her and examined it intently.

It wasn't typical scribbles or merely creative arrangements of color. These were treasures, small paintings or carvings that were difficult to find but told a story, carried a message all by themselves. Dodo loved every single one of them, wondering if that was the reason Wonhee had a camera in her car, to take a picture whenever she discovered a treasure.

It was very much like her to forget herself in art and she didn't bother paying attention to the shadows that slowly moved clockwise.

She barely heard the door opening and some shuffling, before a figure appeared in the doorframe. A figure that wasn't Wonhee.

"Okay, really, I have no idea why Wonhee is like this." The gorgeous woman rolled her eyes after glancing at her once, licked her lips and fixed the fit of her tight leather pants.

_Of course, you pushed yourself into her life that is already occupied by work and her best friend._

"Good morning," she replied and returned her attention to the photograph she had been examining the past few minutes. There was nothing she could have said to that utterance and there was no need to defend herself until both of them engaged in proper conversation. "Coffee?"

"I see you're feeling at home already. Funny, considering you were giving talks about how you don't have any." Dior disappeared into the kitchen and she heard the coffee machine working before Wonhee's best friend returned with a cup of coffee in her delicate hands. Next thing she registered was a blanket that the elegant woman threw on her lap. "My best friend went insane and told me that you're her lover, so I wanted to make sure that at least you're in your right mind, but now I can probably draw the shape of your labia that you have on display, so I'm not sure what I'm doing here."

_You don't have a home, not unless she's here with you._

She didn't bother elaborating on that because she doubted that the slightly passive aggressive woman cared about her feelings. Dodo didn't blame her either, she was protective of her friend and both of them knew that she would end up hurting Wonhee in the end.

"I'm sorry, I never cared much about decency," she murmured and arranged the warm blanket on her lap, covering it properly for the other woman to feel at ease. "She's the only person that matters to me, so I want to be close to her."

It was a very simple and limited way to explain her feelings, but Dodo didn't know Dior well enough to tell her more. She wasn't somebody to share, not unless it was Wonhee with her ability to pull the truth from her lips.

"Listen, Babe, I understand that Wonhee makes us all gay. She does, and you aren't the first one, but considering your past, this is a shit move, Dodo. You can't just appear here, use her lingering feelings and settle for a month or two, enjoy her company and her body and then leave. Why can't you just work together and part ways? That has been the plan from the start. Why hurt each other and do unnecessary shit?" Dior sat on the chair across from her and crossed her well-shaped legs, leaning against the cushion and staring at her. "I don't care about you being naked. I care about you being my best friend's lover."

She flinched as soon as her birth name left the other woman's lips. It wasn't because she hated it, even if it often felt like it described somebody else, not the woman that she had become. Rather it was because the only person that had used it in the past ten years was Wonhee. Dodo existed next to Wonhee.

Licking over her lips and closing the photo album, she forced herself to get a grip and at least try to explain her feelings. She didn't owe the other woman an explanation, but she could at least try to ease her mind regarding her desire to protect Wonhee.

_You can't blame her for it._

"You're underestimating my feelings for her, Dior. You make it sound like I'm playing, toying with what she is giving me until I can return to what I've always done and not be concerned. That's not going to happen, and I know it." She closed her eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath, flexing her fingers to distract from her thoughts. As soon as she was forced to reflect on the role Wonhee had played all these years, she yearned for her brushes. "I need her, and it seems like she needs me too."

_She'll never understand that Wonhee is the only one who really sees you for who you used to be, sees what's hidden under the black sea._

"I don't need you to understand me, but the way all of this came to be is a catastrophe. You didn't talk about what you want, you know that Wonhee likes women. What are you? You like women too? Do you understand the emotional and commitment value of a relationship? She needs you? She needed you all those years, yearning for some colors that she has herself. There's nothing different now. What changed?" The brown-haired woman drank her coffee and slammed the cup on the coffee table.

_That's not too difficult to answer, is it? _

"I found out that I was wrong. I assumed that she would eventually be glad that I left, able to focus on her studies and fitting in instead of riding the breeze with my crazy. I never dared to come back because I knew I would be intruding, that there wouldn't be a place for me because Wonhee has always been part of this world, whereas I have not." She pursed her lips and held her breath for a few moments. She didn't like to talk about personal things and the rough manner with which Dior spoke and acted sent a shiver down her spine. It must have been the slamming of the coffee cup, but Dodo didn't want to think any deeper or make waves in the surface that had remained calm until now.

"And now you came back and saw what actually happened? I don't want you to hurt her because she was hurt long enough because of you. Don't you think it's enough now?" The other woman pulled her lips into her mouth and fumbled with her hands.

_You would have done the same in her position, fought anyone and anything that dared to hurt your best friend. _

"I do," she murmured and focused her attention on her own hands that applied a little too much pressure on her thighs. "But I don't think staying away will make it any better. I know what would be best, Dior, both of us do. But still we can't help but want to be next to each other."

"Well then. I guess I'll have to be the one to dry her tears when you decide to fuck off again. Must be a special kind of lover that you are. One that doesn't involve the word love or care for the other person." Dior stood up, took her cup and left the room. She could hear the other woman closing the dishwasher before she put on her shoes and disappeared, leaving her in the empty apartment.

Dodo had never bothered with defending herself in front of others unless it was about her life or physical well-being. But those words had left a bitter taste in her mouth, the wish to bury her nails in her slim chest and pull out whatever was hiding behind it, just so Dior could decide for herself whether she loved Wonhee enough.

Her lips trembled, but she stopped them with her teeth and looked around, searching for something, anything she could use for color. This time it didn't have to be lasting, just for a brief moment to keep her mind off the sudden unfairness she felt. It was a pointless feeling, because people never understood. That was the whole point of not fitting in, wasn't it? Just because Wonhee accepted her the way she was, it didn't mean that anybody else would.

She searched through the whole apartment, realizing makeup was the closest thing to paint she could find. She couldn't rip the feelings out of her chest, but at least she could try to express them, the brightness that Wonhee was able to pull out of her.

It wasn't a place she belonged, but still she created a circle for herself in the living room, applying a little bit of various lip sticks and eye shadows to the wood, brighter colors than she usually used. Still, it fit somehow.

Observing the result, she should have placed herself in the middle, but it was still too early for Wonhee to return. The black-haired woman wouldn't understand without her next to the artwork, because it was about her own struggles, her own feelings.

Looking for the diary that she had found the first time she was there, she pulled the photograph of the two of them out of it and placed it in the middle of the circle she drew. It wasn't only about the past, but it was about the two of them and this was everything Dodo had to show it.

Once she was able to breathe properly, she moved to Wonhee's bedroom and looked through the wardrobe, hoping to find something that she could borrow and wear. The other woman's jeans were too loose on her slim legs and to short. Eventually she decided on a yellow dress that was a little too bright all by itself but fit her well enough.

_It's also too expensive._

Dodo hadn't taken much to Wonhee’s, but she needed her paint, so she made sure to make a detour to the hotel, grabbing her materials in a big backpack and making her way to the museum.

_She wanted you to work, didn't she? Work instead of covering her life in a poor excuse for your previous color._

People stared at her, of course they did, a thin girl in a yellow dress without shoes and a gigantic backpack and a bag. It wasn't a usual sight and even upon entering the museum there were a few curious glances.

Instead of making her way towards the floors she had painted last time, covering them in her story even though it should have been somebody else's, she walked towards the office she had been to before, the one that led her to the woman that was now her lover.

There were voices, so she didn't enter as she usually would have, sinking to the floor against the wall instead as she waited. Her eyes observed her feet, how clean they still looked even though she hadn't worn shoes. It almost didn't look like her, just like the bright yellow dress that barely covered her thighs.

The door opened, and she heard the conversation that came from the office.

"She must be really good, that artist that you hired. I loved the composition, and especially the form of bodies that rolled over the paint. Gorgeous. Anyways. Would you like to have a glass of wine together? It's been a while," the low female voice asked and Wonhee chuckled in reply.

"I want to go home earlier today. There's someone to look forward to," she heard her childhood friend say before she saw both women and they saw her.

"Oh, Dodo!" Wonhee exclaimed and sank down pulling her up from the floor. "Have you been waiting for a long time?"

"I don't know," she answered truthfully and examined the expression on the other woman's face. She looked glad to see her and that generated a nice sensation in her chest, but at the same time Dodo hadn't expected to go home immediately. She had come to paint after all. "I hoped to paint with you next to me."

Only after grasping the delicate hand and intertwining their fingers she glanced at the second woman.

"Oh. I didn't know you were taken, I just assumed because you said that you won't do relationships. Sorry. But it's nice to see you happy," the dark-haired woman said and smiled at her. "Are you the artist? I'm still not over your composition. Thank you so much for letting me take pictures." Nodding briefly and placing a kiss on Wonhee's cheek, she waved and disappeared down the stairs, beige suit mingling into the grey concrete.

"She took pictures of the black room, didn't she?" It seemed like the main thing that the unfamiliar photographer could have taken pictures of. In addition, Wonhee had mentioned it when she switched to professional mode. It felt so refreshing to see her childhood friend this cheerful, especially after talking to Dior. Dodo had a tendency to leave havoc whereas LiFa's work was clean and organized. "I covered your living room floor in lipstick and eyeshadow, but I'll clean it."

"What? But why?" Wonhee glanced around and pulled her into the bright office, shutting the door.

_Secrecy, because it's not for everybody to hear._

Dodo felt relieved, partially because she hated talking about feelings, but mostly because the yellow dress wasn't quite her size and she wasn't wearing underwear. Usually she wouldn't have cared, but there was something fancy about Wonhee at work that made her feel plain and out of place.

"Because Dior came and then I needed to express my feelings somehow. It felt unfair, so I did it in a painting, mostly for myself." She sighed because it sounded stupid, like she threw a tantrum by throwing lipstick around, but there was the need to show that she cared somehow. She cared so fucking much. "I love you, but she doesn't believe me and I felt bitter."

"I don't think that she doesn't believe you. For that she's too hurt. I just think that the way you love doesn't seem enough for her, especially when it comes to our shared past. But tell me, why did you have to express your feelings with lipstick?" Wonhee sat on the big couch and pulled her to sit next to her. The yellow dress rode up a little, but this time she didn't bother to fix it. It was only her lover and her.

_Huh? Why you had to express it? _

"Because it hurt." She shrugged because it was pretty simple. What else was she supposed to do? Whenever the pain moved up her throat and the sea felt too close, she had to paint, get it out before the black took over. "I have to get it out before it gets to me."

"But we agreed to share, Dodo. It’s not just you and the paint anymore. Or am I being too greedy?" The short woman bit down on her bottom lip and turned away, staring out of the single big window in her office.

"But you weren't there," she whispered and fisted the fabric of her dress. She felt guilty because she could recognize the hurt, Wonhee's attempt to keep her composure. "I feel like dying when there is too much emotion, when it drowns me. There were so many things, the way she hit her cup against the table. I'd just go mad if I don't paint, Wonhee. Be really crazy, not the colors that you know."

“I see. Then let’s keep doing this. You will paint your pain on floors and I will cry alone in the blue lights. Worked well until now, hasn’t it?” Inhaling for a few seconds, the black-haired woman stood up from the couch and brushed over her black suit pants before turning her head to look at her. “So, you came to paint?”

_But this is not what you want._

"I don't want you to be alone, I want to be there for you, Wonhee. But I don't know what else to do to make it stop. It doesn't hurt that much when you are next to me, but what am I supposed to do? Run to you? You have a job and even just now you were busy." She stood up and reached for Wonhee's hand, holding her back because she couldn't bear the lack of eye contact. It felt like this was the other woman's way of hurting back, showing her bitterness by walking away from everything. "I can't expect you to make your life about me only, but I don't know how to deal with this. It broke me before, turned me into what you saw that day, when I painted everything black."

“Am I not… colorful enough to help you? Will I not be able to ease your pain?” the familiar voice broke and Wonhee looked at her, bottom lip trembling and pulling on so many memories. Integrating the present image of the strong woman into the images of the cheerful girl that she cherished before.

"Wonhee-" She pulled the shorter woman closer and wrapped her arms around her. It was the same all over again, the same accusation that Dior had made, that Dodo didn't care enough, and all of this didn't matter to her enough. "I just told you that you're the only one who makes it better. How could you not be enough? But don't you have a life, a job, responsibilities? What would happen if each time I feel black burning my throat I come running to you?"

“You are bold enough to assume that I’m not doing it since you came back. That’s what you don’t understand. What you are telling me is that I have my job and my responsibilities, and you have colors that you use to feel better about things. I came after work to get you from that wall and I came in the middle of the night to paint myself black together with you, but you keep thinking that you are crazy in my eyes. You are not, Dodo. You are still the same for me. Unchanged and so are my feelings for you, you fool. I will still go in the middle of the night and hold you.” Wonhee tried to free herself from her embrace, pushing lightly against her chest.

She didn't let her, pulling her closer and pressing soft kisses to her black hair instead. Her chest hurt at the words, but mostly because Wonhee didn't understand. Her lover couldn't even begin to grasp how often she had to fight her feelings and bury them in a layer of paint.

_But maybe because you never told her. How would she know? _

"Will it be fair?" she whispered and pulled her lips into her mouth, fighting the sudden desire to cry. Maybe it was self-pity, or the fact that she had to admit to not being okay most of the time, but it was so fucking difficult. "If you enter the darkness at night, but I feel like dying more times than you can imagine?"

“Selfish bitch,” Wonhee whispered and she could see tears rolling down the other woman’s cheeks. The black-haired woman didn’t try to free herself this time but simply cried staring at her with an expression of hurt that was hard to bear.

"Why?" she asked, struggling to understand which of her words hurt Wonhee so much, enough to have pearl-like tears drop from her chin to their clothes. Her desire to be with the other woman was selfish, but why were her attempts to spare her from her inability to deal with her feelings? "I don't want to burden you, make it even worse than I already have."

“I didn’t think it was possible, but right now I’m not so sure anymore. God, I’m so dumb, I hope that you at least get inspired by that.” Swallowing and inhaling sharply, the other woman freed herself and took her bag, walking out of her own office without saying a single word.

Dodo stared after her, observing the familiar silhouette disappear through the door. It left her with confusion about what exactly it was that she had done wrong that hurt the black-haired woman. Her lungs burned, and her fingers tightened into fists, unmoving as she felt terribly out of place in the gigantic office. It only served as a reminder that she might have belonged with Wonhee, but not in her world.

Unfortunately, it also confirmed the single thought she had already settled on for herself.

How could she share the blackness when its remedy could also be the reason for its growth?

***

_It had been the same ten years ago, hadn't it? _

Wonhee sat in front of the huge Kandinsky painting and stared at her hands. She hated the way Dodo was still able to hurt her with her assumptions about the nature of their relationship, about her own suffering and the relativization of her pain. Her childhood friend, her lover, she didn't mean to do it, but unfortunately it didn't matter for the consequences.

_She had always been the one to make the decisions for both of you based on her assumptions. Back then when leaving and now, thinking that her problems are the heavier burden to carry. _

Wonhee hated that the other woman desired to keep the status quo. To stay alone, only accompanied by the paint and considering every object around her a surface. She loved the art and she loved Dodo, but the clear message that the other woman gave her made her lungs clench and reminded her that it was still the same. Dodo considered herself crazy and unfitting to become part of Wonhee's life.

_She doesn't get what being lovers is about._

Her bitterness made room for anger and she stood up, swinging her bag over her shoulder and waking towards the balcony. She immediately spotted the bright yellow dress, the colors that surrounded the figure on the concrete floor that was able to create a cloud of brightness around herself, be it with paint or with her aura.

_She doesn't know. She doesn't know how much you love her._

Suddenly Wonhee remembered how she had mistaken her feelings many years ago. How back in the day she thought that she wanted to be like Dodo, have the colors and paint everything around herself, but the truth was that she wanted to have Dodo for herself. She had wanted for the long-haired girl to be hers.

_She'll never be. Is that the reason? _

Leaning over the railing, Wonhee cleared her throat. "I love you, Dodo," she yelled down from the balcony, surprising some of the visitors and the shop personnel.

The other woman flinched from the loud noise and turned around, eyes wide and some of the paint from her brush travelling down the handle towards her hand. A hint of vulnerability appeared on the pretty face and Dodo stood up.

"Then come to me," the plump lips seemed to form, but she couldn't hear it from the distance.

Straightening her shoulders, she made a serious face and stared down a guy who looked at her without hiding his judgment. He was not in the position to judge her. Nobody was.

_They should mind their own business. _

She walked down the stairs slowly before finally arriving on the ground floor where the staff was putting 'do not enter' signs around the long-haired woman, unsure what she was doing, but still sticking to the rules.

"I love you, and I won't accept that you're acting like a selfish bitch. The pain is not only yours, Dodo. We both suffered and there is no 'comparison' and 'fairness' in this. I love you and I will be there if you step back from your unnecessary assumptions and let me. And you will be there for me."

_Until she leaves again._

Dodo observed her intently and carefully placed her brush on top of a few layers of newspaper instead of the provided plate. She looked emotional, bottom lip caught between her teeth and long fingers fisting her dress.

"But what if it gets too much for you?" the brown-haired woman murmured quietly, looking so unsure.

"I think that there is one thing that you don't understand. And that is that there is nothing worse for me than not having you next to me. Why would you assume that it would be too much of you, if you're everything that I've ever wanted? Don't you see that it was your assumptions all along? You thought that I would be better off without you, I wasn't. I was never better when there wasn't you next to me."

Dodo sucked her lips into her mouth before opening her arms and holding her breath.

"I love you too," the beautiful woman whispered, "and I need you so much that I feel like breaking when you walk away."

"Mhm. I know how that feels. I'm sorry." Wrapping her arms around the patches of yellow covered by brown locks, she kissed the other woman's dry lips and cheeks. "Trust me, Dodo. You're not alone and I've always been there. I hope that you can accept it."

"I'm sorry for hurting you with my words and assumptions. I'll- I'll try, I promise." Holding her tightly, the tall woman fought to hold back her tears while stroking over her back and hair. "Hearing what Dior told me today made me feel like I'm not good enough. That I don't care enough to be worthy of somebody like you."

"She's my best friend, but you're the person I love. Why would you just take her words? Where is the Dodo that told people what she thought? What happened? Since when do you care what someone else thinks about you and your feelings? I will talk to her, but you don't have to take that. Dior is a pro-domme. It's her job to hurt people, check if they can handle it. I guess you didn't think about this, but now, you're involved with more than just me because she won't go anywhere. She will stay by my side, so we will have to make this work. I'll try to arrange that we meet and talk about it." Wonhee kissed the beautiful woman and cupped her face, smiling a little. "You're part of this now."

_She has always been. _

"I- kind of like it, even if it feels unreal." Dodo smiled back, plump lips spreading as she reached for her brush, mostly covered in dried paint. "I was being a good girl and working for once. I'll change it again so it's not too personal, but I like the expression of female sexuality. It's also something people just walk over."

“I wanted the three of us to come together and talk about the way we perceive being a woman because we're very different and I hoped that you could get some stories from it, you know? I was inspired by a Dutch artist that drew many different women on a wall in Amsterdam, wearing all kinds of things, having short and long hair, being round and thin and then she took red paint and wrote rape over it. Because in the end no matter what you do as a woman, it doesn't save you. Being an artist doesn't, being a pro domme doesn't and being a director of a gallery doesn't. Ah, this is important to me, Dodo. I spent the last four years working on this." Wonhee stood up and decided that she was disturbing her girlfriend's productive phase.

Her lover smiled at her instead of working on her portrayal of a woman in the middle of an orgasm, a woman that had quite some resemblance to her if one knew what to look for.

_Oh god. _

"I'm still impressed by how much you have achieved, but at the same time I always expected you to be successful. Imagine what you'd do if men weren’t such assholes." Still grinning, Dodo gestured towards a man that was observing the painting on the floor with a gaze that didn't speak for deep appreciation of art. "He probably just wants to see us naked."

"Well, you're giving him a great view that he definitely doesn't deserve. You can take my underwear if you like. There's a really cool place that an artist friend runs, a second-hand shop where she also sells her own creations from second hand materials. I would love to introduce you to her and to get you some clothes that fit to the rainbow that you are." Wonhee started the guy down, before crouching down again and kissing Dodo's thick lips. God, she was so in love.

"This yellow is already pretty damn bright, definitely not subtle," the brown-haired woman replied after kissing back and chuckled at her underwear proposal. "But everything that looks good on your ass, is like a skirt on mine. Did you forget?"

"I would love to be that rich lesbian that drives you around in her Mercedes and buys you expensive underwear. What do you think?" Wonhee grinned and wiggled her eyebrows. "But first I'll let you paint and go to work to be able to buy you some in the first place. You can come in whenever you feel like it, Dodo. There always is and there had always been a place for you. With me."

Despite the nonchalant aura that Dodo had been building around herself, the last sentence obviously got to the tall woman as she nodded softly and dipped her finger into a mixture of pink before adding blush over the female body that she had painted on the floor.

"I'm happy doing anything as long as it's with you," those plump lips whispered in reply.

"Then let's do it. Let's do everything," Wonhee said with a smile and finally found the energy to leave the beautiful woman with her art that had always been more important, more vibrant, told more stories and gave more comfort to the brown-haired woman than she ever could.

_

Her steps sounded hollow. Maybe because she wasn't wearing heels, or it was her brain, giving value to impressions that usually wouldn't have had any. She had one and a half hours left before picking up Dodo from the museum as they planned to go shopping and then to have dinner in her favorite vegan place, so her plan had been taking a shower, wearing something sexy and then driving to the museum to get her girlfriend.

Her apartment smelled weird. A mixture of messy kisses, chemicals and Dodo's scent, which didn't make sense at all. Wonhee left her shoes on the carpet with the black dot that was still sprayed on it and walked into the living room, trusting her extraordinarily olfactory sense. Indeed, there was a circle drawn with her favorite Yves Saint Laurent lipstick and an additional one with the Chanel one, rest sprinkled with some eyeshadow she had never worn because it was too bright.

_Of course. If she takes color, then it’s going to be the good one._

Chuckling, because the other woman had warned her about using makeup to draw, Wonhee came closer and stopped, recognizing the picture that lay in the middle of the drawn circle, showing Dodo and her hugging cheerfully.

Seeing the photo felt strange. She had only taken it out if she accomplished something, if there was something to celebrate. Then, she had written a few words into the journal and looked at the picture as a praise for herself, imagining how Dodo would react if she was close. Next to her. But it just lay there, on the floor in a circle made of Yves Saint Laurent Fuchsia Excentrique.

_You have to keep it like this. She's showing herself to you. _

She knew even before she stepped back, leaving the lipstick and the picture on the floor and undressing on her way to the shower. Only when the warm water joined the drops that rolled down her cheeks, she understood that she had been crying.

_

When her high heels touched the dirty asphalt, Wonhee felt like a different person. The tears were washed away and now her cheeks were covered by expensive blush and she had worn her favorite lipstick that she thankfully owned more of. Wonhee chose the black Gucci dress with the red ribbon on her neck. Dior loved giving her expensive dresses for every occasion and she was thankful that it was one of those days she could wear it.

She walked into the museum and found the brown-haired woman sitting next to the painted floor and staring at the ceiling, long arms wrapped around her knees and lack of underwear obvious from where Wonhee was standing. Dodo didn't look a day over eighteen sitting there and obviously waiting for her, naked feet tapping mindlessly on the cold floors.

"It's your rich lesbian girlfriend," she commented, brushing a strand of her freshly washed hair behind her ear that was perfect to hold hair because it stood out at a ninety-degree angle from her head. "Let's go. I'll spoil you and then we will go for dinner."

Dodo's whole face lit up like a Christmas tree when those brown eyes settled on her. The tall woman stood up and brushed her clean hands over her dress, probably to fix it.

"So, you'll dress me for the occasion?" her lover asked and immediately wrapped an arm around her shoulders, leaning against her like she had enjoyed doing back then. It seemed like painting pulled all the negativity from Dodo's thin body. "You look beautiful. This morning I even got rid of all that pesky hair for you, to be at least similarly smooth, even if only for a few hours."

"You shaved? But you didn't have to if you don't like it."

_But you still want her to sit on your face._

"I'm not going to dress you for the occasion. You can wear what you like, but I want to spoil you because I can. I want to buy you pretty underwear and clothes and then watch you eat. The hotel called that your room is ready, so you can go there afterwards if you like." Wonhee wrapped one arm around Dodo's slim waist and enjoyed being not so short on her 10 cm heels. "Or stay with me."

"I'd rather stay with you," the low voice replied and tugged her towards the exit, shamelessly using her height even though she was wearing heels. "How do you even walk in those? I miss seeing your cute feet. They're tiny."

"Shut up, I wanted to be able to kiss you without having to carry a ladder around." Wonhee laughed and opened the passenger door, winking at the tall woman, who was so incredibly beautiful no matter whether she was wearing makeup, or painted herself in all the colors of the rainbow. Dodo was simply breathtaking, exceptional and one of a kind.

"I would lean down for you anytime, Wonhee." Kissing her cheek, the slim woman slipped inside the car and placed her long legs on the dashboard, just how she loved it. "I feel so happy suddenly, but it's also scary. Does that make sense?"

Wonhee hummed in agreement, slipping into the driver's seat and started the engine. "But the happy is stronger. At least for me."

"For me too, a buzzing in my chest. Feels funny because I can't remember the last time I felt like this. Probably with you." Grinning, the brown-haired woman closed her eyes and relaxed into the seat. She genuinely seemed at ease, as if whatever had caused the tears was long gone.

“Do you think that you liked me back then? I mean as more than a friend,” Wonhee asked after parking in the garage of a big department store and leaving the car hurriedly, heels clicking on the concrete, to open the door for Dodo. Her woman. She acted a little stupid, but she always did that when she knew that her partners dated men before. They were used to weird gestures to feel appreciated and taken care of.

Dodo just chuckled instead of the shy smiles she usually got. After all, this was the woman that rarely gave a shit about guys coming onto them and merely told them to fuck off.

"I can't tell for the same reason that I struggle to find out if my type of love can compare with yours. I cried when you left, and I cried when the tattoo was cut. I told you that to me this was my connection to you. You've been the thoughts I allowed myself when I was in some pretty deep shit. But I don't know if it's the same because I can't see inside your head." Glancing around, the tall woman observed a few well-dressed ladies and men in suits and stared at her naked feet. "You sure they'll let me in there? They might apply that ‘dogs should wait outside’ sign to someone like me."

“We’ll get you some comfy shoes too. To be honest, I don’t have a fraction of the money my best friend has, so all my extremely expensive shit are presents from her, but I wanted to look beautiful for you.” Wonhee winked and took her hand, intertwining their fingers and pulling her along with a smile on her face. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this good.

"Oh, I thought you were loaded. Thank god I don't care about materialistic things and love you for being Wonhee." The words left the plump lips so easily, like she had already written them into a fact book. Kissing her cheek, Dodo pointed at one of the security guards at the entrance and grimaced. "Think that Englishman will let me through with that look he's giving us?"

“Let’s see if he’ll try to stop us,” she hissed in reply and glared at the poor guy who flinched after seeing her face. “See. As a woman you just have to look as if you are ready to kill people, otherwise men think that you want to fuck. You smile? You probably want to fuck. You wear a short dress? You probably want to fuck. You exist… et cetera.” Pulling Dodo past the security guard, she eyed the shoe shop, deciding to start with that. “Would you like some sneakers? They’re comfortable.”

"I have one pair and usually paint them in the color I need," the other woman replied and seemed preoccupied with the fountain located in the middle of the entry hall. "I kind of want to dip my feet into that, but I'll respect your decision if you prefer to be decent." Again, she was grinning and brushed her fingers through her long hair.

“Let’s do it on the way out, okay? Because I still planned to spoil you with underwear and for that you need shoes. You know, the usual bullshit.” Grinning, she pulled the other woman into the shoe shop and bought the first white sneakers that fit on her long feet that looked as if they needed a lot of care.

"Impressive, usually shoes are too loose cause I'm bony." Dodo shrugged, but seemed happy with the sneakers, hugging them to her chest before she had to place them on the counter. "I love that I can paint them like I want."

“You can. Actually, I bought a set for you when I walked past an art supply store. It’s tiny spray cans and you can spray your shoes nicely in all the colors that you like. Anyways, let’s get to the underwear.” Wonhee was confident in her favorite lingerie shop and the employee was an artist too, so she didn’t look disturbed by their different attire and simply smiled, assuming that it was her who wanted to spend hundreds of pounds on panties.

“This time it’s for my girlfriend. It must be comfy. I guess. Or do you have any other ideas?”

_You would put her in a harness and pearl underwear, but nobody asked you._

"I'll wear anything really, thickness won't help, so I'll wear pads if necessary, so just choose something you find pretty. I lived some part of my life without any because people kept ripping it, so at this point I'm happy with anything." Dodo stepped closer to a bunch of pretty, padded bras and laughed. "That's a lot of lying, thank god I gave up on that too."

“Oh god, Dodo. First of all, fuck them, those people who thought they were allowed to touch your underwear or you in the first place. Secondly, this is not the part of your life where you have to take people being trash towards you because now there’s me and I will bite their heads off.” Wonhee got so angry, throwing her head back and inhaling slowly to get a grip. “Leila, could you give us some spicy stuff please, but also comfy ones, tops and bottoms, let’s see what she likes.” She smiled at the blonde woman and walked towards the fitting rooms, sitting on one of the red velvet chairs. Those were fancier than her furniture at home.

"You're hot when you get angry," Dodo commented once Leila walked around the corner and lifted her gaze from the Wonder bra she was squeezing with her fingers. "Makes me want to lick you again."

She almost snapped her neck with how fast she turned around, gaze locked with the other woman’s big brown eyes. “My head cinema is working non-stop because you are so attractive and there are so many things that I want to do,” Wonhee whispered and licked her lips while crossing her legs slowly, leaning back against the soft cushions.

"I find that fascinating because when one thinks of a gorgeous woman, I wouldn't be the first person to think of, you would be." Smiling softly, Dodo put the bra back and came closer, leaning against one of the changing rooms and observing her intently. "When you slept I wrote 'pretty' on your legs with my tongue sometimes. Because you always talked about how short they were back then. A brush would have woken you up and you could have read it and told me that it's not true. Like that, it was a secret you couldn't argue against."

“You are perfect, Dodo.” Wonhee couldn’t separate her gaze from the tall woman in the yellow dress and white sneakers, long brown locks framing her small face. “Your only flaw is that you didn’t trust me enough and left,” she whispered before Leila came in with a few bras and panties that made her saliva collect in her mouth just from imagining Dodo wearing any of them.

Her lover nodded before reaching for the edge of her yellow dress. She must have remembered just in time, because she stepped into one of the cubicles first and closed the curtain so that only Wonhee was able to see her from her chair. Smiling, Dodo pulled the yellow dress over her head, remaining completely naked and stretched out her hand for the first set to try on. Now that the tall woman had shaved there was only the sunbathed skin and the white cut in her tattoo that told Wonhee that time had passed.

“When you felt bad and cried and told me that nothing can make it better and that people don’t understand, I bought paint and then I tried to paint. But you know that I have no creativity whatsoever, so I never showed you, but I envied your relationship with color because I had none and sat at home pretending that I could make you feel better by painting some bullshit and hiding it in my drawers.” Wonhee chuckled and observed the beautiful woman, gaze traveling from head to toes and back up. She was gorgeous, simply gorgeous. “Is it comfy?”

"You painted to make me feel better?" There was surprise in the low voice as Dodo walked out of the cubicle in the first set, a delicate black and leaned in to whisper in her ear. "You might not know, but you whispering that it'll be okay has always been the only thing that really made it okay somehow."

Pulling at the straps of her bra and the fabric that stretched over her butt, the tall woman furrowed her eyebrows.

"It's not what I'm used to because it's not super loose on my chest, but it feels nice."

Wonhee nodded at Leila to show that they would definitely take the set. The woman looked visibly weirded out by their interactions, but it was okay. Nobody has died from watching some lesbians trying on underwear.

“You were always so nonchalant. Apart from those nights when you just cried in my arms, but usually you just made fun of me and painted, and I just loved you silently.” She smiled and handed Dodo a lace set. “I guess things did change. I’m not as silent anymore, or am I?”

The beautiful woman shook her head before changing her underwear to the lace set, obviously admiring herself in the mirror a little.

"I made fun of you because I loved the color on your face. Now you're straight forward. I like it, now I might end up being the one who blushes." Dodo sounded positive about that and pulled at the bra straps again. "I'm too thin, but maybe London will change that eventually. I prefer your scent over food. I still have it in my nose since whispering in your ear."

“Okay, I have three things to say. First, I hope you’ll have a big meal at the vegan place after we’re done here. Second, you look absolutely gorgeous in that set and I’m definitely getting that just to imagine you wearing it and third…” Licking her lips, Wonhee smirked and uncrossed her legs before crossing them again, eyes focused on Dodo’s face. “I would prefer you to ride my face and then fuck you with a strap on toy that I happen to own.”

Dodo turned her attention away from the mirror and looked at her instead, arms crossed in front of her chest.

"Don't make me wet in underwear that's not even mine yet," she murmured and pulled the lace off her body, rubbing her thighs together briefly before she pulled her yellow dress back over her naked body. "You get to me and I have no idea how you do it. Maybe because you just say things? But men try that too, telling me how they'll fill me up and shit, but that doesn't do it for me. What's your trick, Wonhee, apart from being yourself?"

Swallowing once, she got up and took the lace set before walking around the corner and asking Leila to pack it up nicely and wait for her at the cashier. Her lips and hands were tingling, and she walked right into the cubicle, pulling the curtain and using her body weight to press Dodo against the big mirror while her hands settled on the other woman’s smooth thighs and travelled higher almost torturously slow. “I know that you don’t belong to me. I know that you are you, so I worship the way you are, the way you smell, how you look naked. I enjoy thoughts about doing things to you without having the expectation to do them, unless you would like me to. My hands tremble just thinking about touching your naked skin like this,” she whispered when her palms arrived at Dodo’s narrow hips, thumbs caressing her hip bones. “You shine, Dodo. To me you shine with the most beautiful colors I’ve ever seen, and it plays into my attraction, making it incomparable to anything else. And I don’t know, maybe you can see the way I react to you.”

The other woman gasped, swallowing down a moan even though Wonhee was only stroking up her thighs.

"I doubt that's it," the low voice breathed out as Dodo wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled their chests flush. "I think it's because I can tell that you care. You touch me because it's me, wrapping your small hand around the colors in my chest and making them explode to the outside. I feel alive next to you. I always have, but before I never dared to cross the line of a simple kiss."

“Well, I did when I understood what it was that I felt, but you called me curious. Maybe I am curious. Curious about what else you are, Dodo. What kind of color you feel like when I kiss you or touch you. You are the only part of my life I was never able to compensate, and I guess will never be able to in the future,” Wonhee breathed out and kissed a path from Dodo’s neck to her ear, sucking on the earlobe softly.

It seemed like the woman in her arms was slowly losing her tension, melting under her fingers like each touch was enough to kick through another wall of carefully constructed barriers that the artist seemed to have.

"Is it that way for you too?" Dodo gasped and parted her lips. "When I saw you orgasm I had to paint it, the color, the expression, the scents and sounds. You're wrong about not being creative, you have an amazing feeling for artwork and where it belongs, how it can work together. That's also a type of art. I'm so confused by it, overwhelmed by the mess in my head, but everything is so crystal clear with you. Even now I'm dripping because of the way you hold me, but you talk with the insight of pure tranquility."

Wonhee licked her lips, took Dodo’s big hand and used it to stroke over her inner thighs, pushing up her dress and letting the other woman feel how aroused she was. “I’m not tranquil. I’m crazy about you, Dodo, so why aren’t you mine if I know that you are a masterpiece that belongs here?”

The shaky breaths stopped as Dodo held her breath and met her gaze, brown eyes switching from one eye to the other like they couldn't choose.

"Because I'm not a work of art yet. I'll belong here once I'm finally able to become one," the brown-haired woman breathed out along with the air she held in her lungs and let her eyes flutter shut.

_There will always be a reason why she decides that you are not the place where she belongs. Why are you still trying if you know?_

“Maybe you are trying to become a different one, so that you don’t have to belong.” Wonhee sighed, but smiled through the throbbing in her chest, placing a soft kiss on Dodo’s plump lips and stepping back. “Let’s go. We wanted to do everything, remember?”

"Yeah," was the quiet reply as the other woman pulled her yellow dress down and followed her, eyes fixed on her new sneakers. "You can't imagine how much I want to belong. Dirty little secret of mine."

“You belong to me. I don’t accept anything else. Of course, I can’t, and I won’t force you to do anything and I know well what is going to happen sooner or later, but I’m not the insecure girl from back then and I won’t let you step all over my feelings,” Wonhee lied, mind immediately providing enough reasons why she was bullshitting. Alone the memories that she collected in shape of Dodo’s creations all over her apartment told a story that would repeat itself. Like with the tattoo. She would keep and cultivate the memories until there was only hurt and she would try to remove them.

Dodo said that she wanted to belong, but the only way it made sense was that she didn’t want to belong with her. That the place that she offered wasn’t acceptable, suitable, fitting.

_You know, and you knew it all this time, so why would you be hurt again?_

Because apparently, she was still the girl from back then, getting hurt over not being enough for her first love, her best friend, the same thing that she hasn't been able to move on from, not even after ten years.


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 8th of December at 2 PM CET.  
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Happiness bubbled right above the surface of the black sea, like foam that appeared on top of waves and was washed ashore until those same waves took over it again.

That was how it felt to her. Like for a moment she could be happy with her childhood friend that she had been dreaming of for all these years. A brief moment that was going to end as soon as the black sea took over and showed her that she couldn't belong after all.

The world was for humans and Dodo had stopped being one as soon as the blackness filled all the empty space. Now it was only her attempts to pull out the color, to enjoy being human while she was next to the beautiful woman that stole her breath away so easily.

_She said you belong to her._

It sounded so nice and sometimes, Dodo really felt like it. When all the buzzing in her head suddenly stopped because Wonhee's arms were around her, or when the black-haired woman conjured blush on her face with her words, accompanied by arousal. All of it felt like she was right there, a part of it. Only the outside world didn't play along.

Stretching out her long, shaved legs, she almost seemed like the modern idea of a woman, smooth, with new sneakers and an expensive dress. The only difference was that another woman had her heart instead of a man double her age.

"Why do you eat vegan?" she asked suddenly when Wonhee turned around the corner towards the restaurant they planned to eat at. Her thighs still felt a little moist, but she had successfully wiped herself with some toilet paper in a public restroom to be decent.

"I mostly eat vegetarian. I don't really feel like meat usually and there are many alternatives, so it's not a bother at all. Is the place okay with you, or do you need to eat meat?" the other woman asked, taking her hand and intertwining their fingers while she steered the car into a spacious parking spot.

"Even if you asked me if I need to eat in general my answer would be no," she replied with a chuckle and squeezed the warm hand. It was intimate, and she loved it. "I ate meat quite a bit because that was the most efficient way to survive without losing muscle that keeps my body upright. Brazil is pretty good at meat, even if there are more and more vegans. Not where I hung out though, there they bite into that shit when it's raw."

She reluctantly let go of the warm fingers and climbed out of the car, immediately fixing the yellow dress because the area seemed relatively fancy and she didn't want to be the reason for Wonhee not getting her food.

"What's the reason for staying there? You left for South America and you flew here from there. There must be something about that place. I visited some cities, but it was usually brief and looking at artworks in museums, I mean, you know."

She smiled, because she could imagine it.

"I didn't stay in South America, but I returned. In the first years I stayed because I got in trouble and then had to work myself out of it and after that my art got crazier and I needed to travel to tell stories. South America had many of them and it wasn't that expensive to travel." Reaching out, she intertwined their fingers again because she missed it. "I just happened to be in Brazil when Dior found me. I've been there for a few months by then but planned on leaving."

"Well, then after experiencing all those things, you'll be okay with a meat-loving pro-domme being mad at me, you and the vegan restaurant." Wonhee chuckled with an apologetic expression on her face as they entered, and she understood why.

"Did you plan this?" she murmured and felt her whole body tense up. She couldn't quite tell why, after all she didn't dislike Dior. The other woman was merely playing her role as a best friend and doing it well. There was no need for her to care about Dodo's feelings and as long as she was concerned with Wonhee it was great because the black-haired woman had another person to comfort her.

But despite knowing all that, she felt like in every previous encounter she had before coming to London. The role of the artist came to the surface. The one she put on to hide that Dodo was a broken person instead of a work of art.

_She matters to her, you can't just pretend that you don't exist. At least for her sake._

"Oh, look who's there. I just want to emphasize that I could've made 4k in the time I'll spend looking at you and being sad." The elegant woman sat at the table and was drinking wine, one leg crossed over the other, outfit perfect, just like the makeup and hair.

"Shh, stop being petty, there's no possibility to get you to talk, so bear with the loss. You can handle it." Wonhee sat next to her and turned, smiling at her gorgeously, almost like the bright smile she knew from back then.

_Is the encounter making her that happy?_

That got to her, pulling at the corners of her mouth in return and making her relax a little.

"Maybe you'll also see her happy," she murmured and resisted the urge to kiss Wonhee's lips. She hadn't felt that way back then, but maybe that changed now that they crossed that line.

"Oh, I see. I'm wondering if it'll compensate for the eight years of tears and misery." Dior looked her right in the eyes before glancing towards Wonhee and shaking her head. "Listen, since when are you amnesic about the past? Are you a dog? Happy to see its long-lost owner? The only thing that can save me is a steak, but then again, this place is vegan. Fuck me."

Dodo felt her hand twitch, fingers curling into a fist before relaxing again as the curly-haired woman blatantly insulted Wonhee to be a dog. It seemed like Dior still didn't understand, none of the things between them. Both of them had been hurting, but somehow it was difficult to keep the distance, especially if being close felt like this.

"Don't fucking call her a dog. I don't care what you say about me, dog or whatever, I heard it all, but don't insult her like that." She shifted and brushed her hair away from her shoulders to be able to look at Wonhee's best friend better. Dior had a talent to speak in hurt, but Dodo couldn't tell how hurting somebody on purpose was any better than making mistakes.

_But can you really promise that you would have stayed if you knew? _

She didn't know. Her teenage self had been obsessed back then, convinced that she would only become real color if she let go of everything that mattered. Maybe even love.

Dior lifted one eyebrow, but seemed utterly unimpressed with her comment, glancing at Wonhee, who didn't say a word and stared at the other woman. The change she could see in Dior's features was incredible. The complete ignorance made place for an attentive gaze and made the other woman lean forward and reach for Wonhee's free hand.

"Is that what you think? That I'm an idiot who can't remember anything? My best friend saying that does indeed taste different," the black-haired woman whispered.

"No, God, you know that I don't mean it. I just don't fucking understand, why you would do that to yourself after all that happened? And you!" Wonhee's best friend turned to her and lifted her finger, but she felt how her girlfriend must have kicked Dior under the table. "Fine. This gives me a fucking headache, you're dating now, or what? Does it have the same expiration date as the contract? I need to know, so that I can take less customers to take care of the aftermath, I need to plan, you know, and my best friend has first priority for me." 

The words hurt, pushed right through the barrier she kept trying to erect and making her hold her breath to not just turn around and scratch something into a wall. Instead she tightened her grip on Wonhee's hand.

"I don't know, I can't tell when I crack," she replied truthfully and chewed on her cheek, wondering how Wonhee was able to bear her friend pouring salt into her wounds. "Your words are hurtful because they still sound like you think I don't care about her. I do, more than anybody else and I am sorry for leaving back then. But you expect me to stay away from her and I can't do that." She turned to Wonhee because there was only one exception. "Not unless you want me to."

_Even then, could you really? _

"No. You belong to me," the black-haired woman whispered with her eyes closed. "Give us a minute." Wonhee stood up and grabbed Dior by the wrist, pulling her behind herself towards the restrooms.

A few minutes passed, and the waiter poured her a glass of wine before only Dior's perfect figure appeared in the long hallway, coming closer and sitting across from her. The other woman stared at her face for a few moments before exhaling sharply.

"Anyways, I'm sorry. Wonhee usually doesn't get very close to other people, so I underestimated the way you affect her. She gets hurt when I'm being harsh to you. I'm sorry for saying mean things, but I'm also not sorry because you plan on leaving and I don't even have words left for that. But I promised Wonhee not to talk about that."

_She's being genuine even though it's hard for her, you have to try too. _

Her eyes were fixed on her wine glass, because that made it easier to talk. Mostly she didn't care about the things she said and how they affected others, but this was different. Dior was somebody that mattered to Wonhee, maybe more than Dodo could imagine.

"I'm not very good at taking your straightforward way of pouring salt into a wound. I don't expect that from somebody who is close, but you must be really angry with me. I don't think I can give you a satisfactory answer about me leaving, but it is mostly because I'm not a person that can stay. I'm incomplete and the longer I stay, the more obvious it becomes. I feel the same hurt at the thought of leaving, but I know that it is inevitable."

"Oh no. You're not a selfish bitch, you're just a fool, oh my god, this is terrible," Dior murmured and started massaging her temples. "Maybe you're not a lost case yet, but let's not talk about this. I want exactly one thing and that thing is that you don't make her unhappy because you already did, and you used up your turn, you know? I can't say anything more because Wonhee is very serious about this, but please don't be an asshole to her. She can look tough, but she's so vulnerable on the inside. Don't you dare hurt her." Saying the last sentence was the most genuine she has seen the brown-haired woman, lips pulled into her mouth and eyes focused on hers.

Dodo would have loved to say that she wouldn't, but it was a lie. That same day she had made Wonhee cry and walk away from her with her actions. There was no such promise that she could make, it would be empty.

"I don't want to hurt her," she murmured because that was true. "But sometimes it is difficult to predict. I get hurt too, and my mind just goes crazy when I do. I know she'd prefer it if I talked to her instead of going mad. It's hard, but I'm trying."

"Before I also looked at her being miserable and just went and did stuff with people I didn't agree on to get the feeling out of my system, but she figured and was even more hurt, so I can understand you. But it feels better to talk. It does. I'm not someone who does it easily, but she manages to make you feel safe." Just when Dior smiled for the first time, Wonhee came back, grabbing her best friends face and placing a kiss on her forehead before whispering something in her ear that conjured a softness upon Dior's features that she had never seen before.

She didn't dare say anything and mainly searched for Wonhee's eyes, looking for reassurance because she suddenly needed it. If Dior had also used a different outlet before, wouldn't it be too much for the black-haired woman to deal with all these problems?

_But it hurts her more if you exclude her._

The black eyes settled on her face and Wonhee smiled at her, sitting right next to her, placing her warm palm on her thigh and continuing conversation as if there had never been a conflict before. Dior seemed at ease too and they talked about the project, about terrible men, about their jobs and the things that they had in common. It felt safe and intimate, even though they were three people.

The palm on her thigh provided constant comfort and the ease with which Dior suddenly slipped into conversation helped her to lower her guards, to stop her attempts to hide behind her artist self. Maybe it was okay to be Dodo, at least next to the woman she loved and her best friend.

The food was nice and so was the conversation, it seemed as if Wonhee’s brief talk with her best friend made the other woman’s worries dissipate and let her engage in conversation with the same straightforwardness and humor that Dodo knew from the first time they met. Dior had a customer later, so she had to leave first. They said their goodbyes and walked to the car.

“My place?” Wonhee asked quietly.

She nodded and felt reluctant to let go of the soft hand she was holding. Wonhee was a treasure, a dream-like person that made her feel light like a cloud instead of feeling the baggage that she constantly carried around.

"I want to kiss you so badly," she replied and turned to observe the curved mouth corners and the round nose. "Thank you for talking to her. I'm sorry for not opening up earlier. It's hard for me with anybody but you."

"It's okay. It was an issue that had to be taken care of, so we did. I know Dior for a long time, and there is a way to make her understand. She's not an asshole." Wonhee smiled briefly and sat in the driver's seat, dress riding up her curvy, smooth thighs while her legs spread a little, one foot placed on the gas. "It's strange. There are times when I have the feeling that we are still the same, but at other times I can't believe how many things there are that you don't know about me and I don't know about you."

Dodo smiled because it was true. The Wonhee from back then had barely worn dresses and was always so aware of what was happening around them. The black-haired woman had never tried to reprimand her about her reckless actions since they met again.

"I feel the same. Sometimes it feels like it's just us on a road trip ten years ago, but then I remember the cut in my tattoo, your legs while driving and the fact that I want to kiss you so badly my hands shake."

"Yeah, I wasn't brave enough for anything like that, even though I only stared at my boyfriend's hands when he touched me because they were big and looked like yours. I should've known, but it's always friendship with girls, you know?" Wonhee chuckled with a hint of bitterness before garaging her car and turning the engine off.

"I never really thought about that. Do you mean that it could be that women feel love towards each other, but don't realize?" That thought got to her somehow, because how was one supposed to recognize love? Dodo hadn't been able to do that before and if it's only friendship between girls, how was she supposed to figure out what she really felt? "How is a girl supposed to know then?"

"That's the thing. They usually don't. I have a bunch of experience and some of the women told me that for them it's friendship only and a form of trust. They told me that from between my legs. What friendship, Susan?" Wonhee sighed while they walked to the elevator. "There is no real way because we are socialized to believe that same sex attraction is not a thing and especially for women, the intimacy that we feel in same sex relationships is relativized by calling it being 'good friends'."

Dodo's eyes widened at that, head turning to look at the black-haired woman that she had considered a friend all this time, despite the desire to be close to her or touch her body.

"I loved to see you naked, but I always thought that's because I'm envious of your curves," she whispered and leaned against the railing. She really wanted to kiss Wonhee, to hug her waist and feel how the beautiful woman tilted her head back and parted her lips to let her in. "I never cared about sexual things much, even if I got wet when we embraced. To me it was just a defect that I ignored."

"You got wet when we hugged?" The black-haired woman looked surprised, lips parted and round eyes wide and attentive while looking at her. "Me too every now and then," she added quietly. "But that's not friendship, Dodo. It's attraction."

"But I'm always wet." She laughed because it sounded ridiculous despite being the truth. "Fuckfaces always used it as an excuse for the 'it's not rape' game. You know, cause 'if she's wet, then she must like it'."

"So, you weren't attracted to me?" Wonhee tilted her head and stared before the elevator arrived at their floor and they had to move out.

"That's not what I said," she mumbled and felt stupid suddenly, stupid for defending herself even though there had been no real accusation. "I mean, I wanted to see you naked all the time and loved to touch your skin. I doubt that secretly I thought of skinning you and applying it to myself. I just loved touching you, so I guess… I- I was attracted to you."

_Why is it so hard to say it? You never care about stuff like this._

Maybe she thought admitting to it would change something, but what could it change? She was already desiring to touch and kiss the other woman and only because she had wanted to do that back when they were girls, didn't mean that she'd stop wanting it now.

_Is that it? Do you want it to stop eventually? _

She didn't. It was the last fucking thing that she wanted, just like she didn't want to return to her life of the past ten years. It felt like she was in the middle of a fairytale and currently it belonged to her.

Wonhee just hummed, opening the door and stepping into the apartment that smelled like cosmetics. "I was definitely attracted to you. That's why I kept promoting you to all the dudes like an idiot. God, my brain capacity wasn't much back then. Thinking: 'a woman I like, she should get a man.' Now that I'm older I think: A gorgeous woman? She should be mine."

Dodo chuckled because she had been the exact opposite of that.

"I must be selfish. I only got annoyed because I knew they wanted you, but I wanted you for myself. Your boyfriend back then was already enough sharing for my taste." Stepping inside the spacious home, she remembered the circle she drew with eyeshadow and lipstick, the one she wanted to remove eventually because it was a selfish and emotional outburst. One that was meant to show how much she cared about Wonhee, but now she wasn't sure if it really did. "I want you to be mine Wonhee."

"I'll show you how you are making me yours," the short woman whispered and took off her heels, turning around and walking backwards towards the bedroom, eyes focused on her.

Her breath hitched and at first she considered pulling her dress over her head as she followed, but she decided against it. Dodo enjoyed Wonhee's hands that pulled it up her thighs way too much. Licking over her lips, she removed her new sneakers that still had the color of fresh snow and slowly followed the black-haired woman, not daring to glance away.

Wonhee stood in the middle of the spacious bedroom and pulled her dress over her head, but instead of revealing her usual underwear, the black-haired woman was wearing a black corset that hugged her torso tightly, held by silk ribbons on her chest.

_She must have worn it on purpose._

Dodo stared, feeling very plain suddenly. But it wasn't even about that, it was mostly that she hoped she was still worthy of touching somebody who looked as gorgeous as Wonhee did at that moment.

"You're breathtaking," she admitted and stepped closer, reaching for the black-haired woman's hands and placing them on her slim thighs. "Undress me, Wonhee."

The other woman smiled and sank to her knees, small palms stroking over her legs, circling them and pulling up her dress. As soon as there was more skin revealed, the curved lips attached to it, accompanying Wonhee's delicate hands and undressing her slowly. She had a perfect view from her position, the full breasts in the black fabric, slim shoulders and round thighs and the black hair that tickled her when Wonhee came close enough to kiss her tingling skin.

She hummed softly because she loved every second of it, the way the gorgeous woman was able to make her heart skip a beat and at the same time loosen every knot of tension that had been in her chest. Her skin tingled, and she closed her eyes for a few seconds. She didn't dare to keep them shut for too long, that would have meant missing the sight of Wonhee, of the curved lips, full breasts and the fact that it was the woman who mattered the most to her in the whole world.

When the fabric slipped past her navel, Wonhee went back on her feet and pulled her dress over her head, red mouth closing around one of her nipples as she wasn't wearing a bra.

"You're shining," the pleasant voice whispered against the sensitive bud as the other woman glanced up. "And I'm overwhelmed by how stunning you are. You always have been. Nothing changed about that."

Dodo smiled because it felt nice to hear. It reminded her that Wonhee saw the colors clearly, unlike herself. The woman in front of her could have reached out and grasped them with her bare hands if she wanted to, that is how easily they reappeared next to her.

"I shine next to you," she replied and reached out to stroke over Wonhee's soft cheek, brushing along her cheek bone with her thumb. Unable to resist, she finally leaned down and kissed her, tasting black tea and what she had been yearning for all this time.

Wonhee kissed back, but only for a brief moment, stepping back and looking at her, as if she was a work of art even though the other woman seemed more like one.

"That's how I usually am. I'm wearing something like this corset, but one can't see it. It has those beautiful black silk ribbons at the front. Would you help me to loosen them?"

She nodded, suddenly realizing that her hands were shaking, simply because it felt meaningful. There were so many hidden things about the black-haired woman and Dodo couldn't believe that she was allowed to see them, after everything that happened between them.

Tracing the silk fabric with her fingertips, she moved her hands up until she reached the knot of the first ribbon and pulled at the right string, watching it loosen. The whole moment felt like a lucid creation, meant for dreams instead of reality, for surreal paint and burning feelings.

"You make me want you so much," she gasped and realized how much her body was reacting, how her shaking hands only reflected the tremble in her thighs and the arousal that pooled between her legs. She placed a kiss on the second ribbon before loosening it as well, eyes travelling up to meet Wonhee's.

A few moments passed before the other woman spoke, voice quiet but sounding so meaningful, as if every word carried so much that she had to listen.

"I'm wearing something like this to not be soft. You always told me that I'm so soft, remember? I kept thinking about it and having all kinds of nightmares, thinking… a lot. But when I wear something like that, I can hide the fact that I'm soft and can protect myself. I do so well usually, but you came and loosened all the ribbons," the curved lips whispered.

"But I love that you are soft, it's perfect," she replied tenderly and kissed the top of Wonhee's head. "It's the opposite with me. I seem hard, but inside it's all mush. But it's okay if you see it because it's you."

"I know. Usually I would never allow anyone to touch the ribbons because they're holding me, but like that…" Wonhee licked her lips and looked up, inhaling deeply. "Like that I feel like I can finally breathe."

She smiled and pulled the curved body closer, enjoying the way it felt flush against her own. There was no real source for her confidence. She merely felt safe with Wonhee and whatever the beautiful woman enjoyed was perfect for both of them. "Thank you for making me feel special, Wonhee."

"It's because you are. I love you and I want you, Dodo. I can't think about anything else, I'm obsessed with you. It's as if no time passed, but you just became more beautiful, more colorful, more of everything. I want you to be mine." The short woman removed the corset and wrapped one arm around her waist, pulling her flat against her soft breasts.

Dodo never thought that she would enjoy the sensation so much, the warmth and the hardened nipples that brushed over the skin of her tattoo and ribs.

"Aren't I?" she asked and couldn't imagine belonging to anybody else. "Many people have told me I'm theirs, but you're the only one that makes me feel like it's true."

"Like Dior said, I'm a little bit like a dog. I'm so happy that you're here with me right now that I don't think about the past or the future. At least not right now. Right now, it's just you." Wonhee's timing was extraordinary as the lights turned blue, covering them in beautiful shadows that played on their naked bodies. "I want you," the black-haired woman whispered and moved towards the bed, taking her along.

"I want you too," she murmured and leaned in to lick over Wonhee's right ear. Back then she had always done it playfully, but now she wanted to taste it, every single inch of skin. Her tongue travelled along the shell until she felt satisfied and pressed a kiss to the area right below it. How had she been able to be satisfied with a simple embrace, a mere kiss on the cheek?

"I'm not kissing you because I know that I will lose it as soon as I do. I don't really know myself like this but having you around the whole day drove me crazy. I want to have your scent surround me and taste you on my tongue, fuck." Wonhee climbed on top of her when she lay down and licked her lips, staring at her with the round eyes that reflected the blue light and made her seem like a magical creature.

"I'd love that," she replied and felt heat travel to her face as breathing became much more of an effort than only moments ago. Her hands traced the round hips and travelled over the slim waist to Wonhee's breasts, cupping them carefully.

Only a few seconds passed but it seemed as if time stood still between them before the curved lips caught hers in a deep kiss, licking into her mouth and nibbling on her bottom lip. Wonhee was melting into her. Soft breasts touched her chest and round thighs relaxed around her hips. The other woman's delicate hands didn't hold still and travelled over her body, settled in her hair and pulled lightly to make her deepen the kiss.

Dodo felt dizzy from the ministrations, the heat and urgency that developed as soon as their lips touched. There was no specific goal, nothing apart from being as close as possible, so she wrapped her arms around the smooth back and roamed over it. Her fingertips explored every little dip and her mind struggled to commit them to memory. She wanted to be able to recreate it all, to keep it with her until she was able to feel it again.

"You make me so fucking happy, Wonhee. I don't even know what the fuck I was doing all this time," she mumbled into their kisses and tilted her head to follow the tugging. She wanted to feel like this all the time, safe and at the same time burning like a flame.

Wonhee had told her that she belonged to her. The words had sounded meaningful when the black-haired woman had spoken them. But only now, when they were kissing intently, bodies intertwined, did she realize how true that statement had been.

_You belong to her and once you're on your own, there's nothing._

***

She didn’t mean to use the corset as a metaphor when she wore it. It was more of a practical thought and fitting to the dress she wanted to wear. But as always, Dodo gave the whole situation a different perspective, showing her how she tried to hold herself, be strong, just for the beautiful woman to loosen the ribbons on her chest and let her breathe.

_You even asked her to. That’s what you’re doing right now. You are asking her to make you feel vulnerable because that’s what you feel like when you’re with her and you’re sick and tired of pretending not to care when you do._

The blue light in her bedroom covered them in a magical way. At times she could only see the silhouette and outlines of how their bodies were intertwined. At another, she felt the quick inhales, almost able to count Dodo’s ribs if she wanted to. Her tongue drew the shape of the other woman’s lean stomach, dipped in her navel and tasted her in a way that Wonhee wanted to since she picked up the beautiful woman from the museum. She loved how wet Dodo was, how obvious it was that the beautiful woman liked what she was doing and how much trust she gave Wonhee. Trust that she wanted to return and struggled so much with.

_You're a mess, and she loosened the ribbons. _

“I love you, Dodo. I love every single bit of color inside you, no matter whether it’s black or anything else. I love you.” Her whisper was so loud in the silence. “I have… difficulties to trust, but I want to trust you so badly. My body and my mind are both right in your hands, but something is still holding me back and I hope that I can prove it wrong.” She moved back on the bed and walking towards her wardrobe. The familiar drawer contained what she was looking for, so she took a pair of handcuffs and threw them on the bed before kneeling between Dodo’s legs. “Cuff me,” she whispered, holding her wrists in front of the small face.

Brown eyes settled on her face and widened slowly as the other woman sat up and bit down on her bottom lip. Her expression didn't hint at hesitation, but rather it resembled wonder with a hint of disbelief.

"Thank you," Dodo whispered as she raised her hands and accepted the cuffs, carefully locking them around her wrist without making them too tight. "Thank you for trusting me."

The beautiful woman curled her index finger around the metal chain between the cuffs and pulled carefully, leading her towards the sheets while switching their positions. Still holding onto the chain and arranging her arms above her head, Dodo climbed on top of her and connected their lips, touch resembling the sensation of feathers brushing over her skin.

It felt different, but instead of the feeling that she needed to regain control, Wonhee moaned softly, surprising herself.

"I want to trust you, I want to," she whispered, spreading her legs and wrapping them around Dodo's slim hips. She couldn't contain an eye roll at how good that felt, how right it seemed to have the stunning woman between her legs, to wrap around her like this.

She could feel the plump lips smile against her skin as Dodo covered it with wet kisses, beginning at her neck and slowly moving down to her collarbones. Licking over the whole length, the pink tongue dipped into the hollow. Wonhee could feel how one hand still held onto the chain while the other stroked over her side.

"I'll take care of you," Dodo whispered and finally let go of the handcuffs, big hands stroking over her thighs instead and carefully pulling them apart. Brown eyes were settled on hers as the slim woman moved lower, careful crawling between her legs and covering her inner thighs with bites and kisses.

It must have been the handcuffs, but the touches seemed so much more arousing, almost enhanced in their intensity and how she experienced them.

"Touch me," she moaned softly and relaxed her body, not trying to hold onto Dodo's waist and hips anymore.

"You're so beautiful, even more so than back then. I feel like I can really see you." Dodo kissed her navel before placing several kisses right below it, hinting at what was to come. Using her tongue, the other woman licked over her clit, testing how sensitive she was before fully burying her face between her legs.

"Fuck," she hissed and threw her head back, rubbing her hair against the pillow and thighs shaking from how good Dodo's mouth felt against her clit and vulva. "I want you so much, I can't believe that you are able to make me feel like this."

"Me neither," Dodo murmured and chuckled, lips vibrating pleasantly right where it felt good. "Tell me what you like, Wonhee. I'll do it all."

The brown-haired woman didn't wait for her reply and merely returned her attention to the coil that she was fueling with her lips, flicking her tongue over her clit and sucking it into her mouth while her big hands stroked over Wonhee's thighs.

"I want you to put two fingers of your left hand inside me. Your nails are cut on that one. But be careful, I'm hardcore tight." She felt a little embarrassed about it even though there was nothing to be embarrassed about. She didn't like penetration much, but she wanted Dodo's fingers, she wanted to feel more of the woman who made her feel so much at once. It had been a thought since she had seen the long fingers play with the seam of the black pencil skirt after Dodo came back.

_You really love everything about her._

Glancing up briefly, Dodo paused to nod, before resuming her ministrations and pulling moan after moan from her lips. She could feel the other woman's left-hand travel from her thigh between her legs and carefully try out how wet she was, rubbing over her entrance. Wonhee tensed for a split second but relaxed again, wishing to have Dodo's scent all over her senses. "Could you…" she started and felt her muscles contract at the thought alone. "Could you come and sit on my face while you do that? I think I would feel more at ease like that."

Dodo placed a kiss against her clit and sat up, smiling at her.

"Of course," the slim woman replied and only the way she chewed on her cheek revealed that she was excited and much more than simply aroused. Climbing on top of her carefully, Dodo arranged her thighs close to her shoulders and immediately leaned forward to lick between her legs again. "Is this okay?"

Wonhee would've painted something Dodo style if she would've been able to and if her hands weren't tied. The sight the other woman presented to her was overwhelming in combination with the stimulation and she moaned before trying to make the round ass sink against her face, so she could have a taste. "Come here," she said, licking her lips briefly.

Dodo hummed against her clit and lowered her hips, still carefully because she still had control over her actions. It was only a matter of time until the slim hips would attempt to lower down on their own to feel more. In the meantime, the brown-haired woman licked between her legs and decided to use her tongue instead of fingers at first, teasing her with it.

Wonhee moaned and shut herself up by simply slipping her tongue inside Dodo's body as it was the more accessible way with how the other woman positioned herself. She was wet, so so wet and Wonhee loved it, tasted it and wanted more.

A gorgeous moan passed Dodo's lips and travelled through her whole body, interrupting her efforts for a few moments until she regained her composure and resumed sliding a few fingers of her left hand along her entrance and slicking them up.

"You're delicious," the low voice murmured before sucking on her clit again. "I want to make you see stars."

"Fuck those handcuffs because they're preventing me from putting my fingers inside you," Wonhee hissed and shifted to be able to suck on Dodo's clit, circling it with her tongue and sucking her labia into her mouth. She was losing her mind from the metal around her wrists, from Dodo's scent that occluded her senses and from the caresses between her legs that made her want to scream.

"I still need my mind for this," the low voice gasped from between her legs and she felt how Dodo slipped one of her slim fingers inside her, providing less friction than she was used to, while still stimulating her clit. "You're perfect, Wonhee."

There were no words to describe how thankful she was that the other woman didn't try the things she herself was used to and listened to her. There was no need to collect the crumbs of intimacy that usually followed when someone did something that she didn't like. Instead, the brown-haired woman that made her feel like she was indeed the milky way treated her trust like something valuable, something that should have been taken care of. There was no way to put it into words.

_Because it's her. You know that it's because it's her, Wonhee._

"I love you," she whispered to herself in a moment that didn't give any room for confession.

Why was it so hard? Why couldn't she pretend that they fit well sexually, instead of explaining it with the overwhelming intimacy, trust and feelings that they seemed to share?

It was not the time to think and it was getting hard too, so she let go, moaning loudly and contracting around the digit inside her, tongue carefully circling the swollen clit and dipping it into the beautiful woman's body once in a while. "You make me go insane, Dodo. Give me another."

Humming in such a way that it sent a pleasant shiver down her spine, Dodo carefully slipped a second finger inside her. Instead of moving it immediately, the gorgeous woman waited and played with her some more before adding a tiny hint of friction. She couldn't see Dodo's face, but she could feel how the slim thighs kept flexing or soft moans left the other woman's lips. She hated that she couldn't combine her tongue with her fingers, but the way her body gave out told her that she was going to orgasm before she could ask the other woman to open the handcuffs.

_You usually always let them come first._

Being with Dodo was different, so she started moving hesitantly, creating some friction, but not too much and pushing against the soft mouth. The other woman's name left her lips like a mantra between the sucks and licks that she still tried to bless her with. Holding her breath for a few seconds, she felt her orgasm at her fingertips and breathed quickly, coming with a moan of Dodo's name and clenching around the fingers inside her repeatedly.

The gorgeous woman kept licking softly to smoothen her transition down from the high, but without overwhelming her with the oversensitivity that usually followed orgasming. Dodo placed one last kiss against her clit before slowly pulling her fingers out.

"I love you too," the low voice whispered before Dodo suddenly turned around and leaned over her, kissing her lips instead. "This means so fucking much to me, Wonhee."

"To me too," she replied before kissing back and pulling her tied wrists over Dodo's head and holding her close. "I want to give you everything you like without it making you feel like you have nothing to say in it. I have a special toy. I would keep myself tied up and you could ride me if you like. Or I can finger you and lick you. You could also ride my face, but you like to feel full, so… Just tell me, I'll do it all."

"I thought those were my words." Dodo smiled and reached behind her neck to unlock the cuffs, looking straight into her eyes as she did that. "Most of my meaningless encounters involved me taking control. I think now it's my turn to trust."

Wonhee inhaled sharply and nodded, feeling how meaningful their intimacy was, how fragile but at the same time fulfilling it was in a way that nothing could ever compare. "Then let me try to make you feel the colors," she whispered, kissing Dodo one last time before she crawled out of bed and got her black toy that was waiting for her, already visible from the outside because of how carelessly she had closed the drawer. It was easy to wear and gave some feedback. After coming it felt even nicer, so she put it inside herself, without needing any lube and returned to the beautiful woman, ready to give her everything to show how much it meant to her.

"Would you like me to tie your hands?" she asked, leaning in and sucking on a nipple.

There was brief hesitation on Dodo's face and for what felt like the first time, the brown-haired woman decided to share something instead of replying with a yes or no.

"I had bad experiences with it, so it scares me a little. But maybe we can try. It's different when it's you."

"But one doesn't need to do the things that are uncomfortable or painful. You don't have to bear everything, you know? Bad experiences? Fuck it. Let them be free and touch me instead." Wonhee took the handcuffs and threw them from the bed, metallic sound echoing through the room. Next, she settled between the slim thighs and circled Dodo's clit with the tip of her tongue before turning it flat and rubbing it against the sensitive spot. The stunning woman was more than wet, so she knew that penetration wouldn't be a problem at all.

"Do you want me?" she whispered, lifting her gaze and meeting Dodo's beautiful brown eyes.

The blush that covered the round cheeks and the obvious nod were everything that she needed as Dodo threw her head back and spread her legs.

She was careful while rubbing the silicone tip over the swollen lips before dipping it inside and feeling the pressure against her clit. It felt so intimate, the way Dodo looked at her, and how the slim chest sunk and rose quickly. Wonhee moved her hips forward, encouraged by the soft moan, and buried the toy inside the other woman's body, groins meeting.

_This feels amazing. _

She sank down and kissed the beautiful, soft lips, licking into Dodo's warm mouth and moaning softly at how good it felt to be close like that. "Does this feel good?" she asked to make sure. "Do you want me to continue?"

Slim thighs spread wider and Dodo lifted her legs, just enough to have her a little deeper as arms wrapped around her neck and roamed through her hair and over her shoulders.

"Yeah," was the breathy reply as the other woman gasped and kept her lips parted, as if she knew there was no point in closing them.

Being short was advantageous as she could caress the small breasts and suck on Dodo's dark nipples while moving her hips and rubbing their groins against each other when they met. Her own arousal returned as if it was never satisfied and she loved every second of it.

"You're so beautiful, Dodo," she whispered, stroking over the other woman's face and kissing her parted lips.

The thrusts must have felt exceptionally good as Dodo was moaning loudly and struggling to resist throwing her head from side to side. The brown-haired woman enjoyed every motion, even lifting her hips by herself to feel more as her right hand reached out to grab onto the sheets while the other kept cupping her face and pulled her closer. She was whimpering when Wonhee got a little faster, telling her how good it felt and that it made her dizzy with pleasure.

She usually didn't like penetration, but after orgasming, the other end of the vibrating toy felt really good inside her and gave a lot of feedback to how Dodo moved or flexed her muscles around it. Wonhee moaned and took the other woman's legs, placing them on her narrow shoulders to be able to go deeper. "This feels amazing," she whispered and meant the intimacy and shared arousal that they fueled by moving together. Her right hand went between their bodies and she stimulated Dodo's clit with circle motions as she rolled her hips into the beautiful woman beneath her.

The pure bliss on Dodo's face was overwhelming, the way she kept trying to pull her closer while flexing her thighs and praising her for doing it just right, exactly the way she loved it. Dodo hadn't talked much during their sexual encounters until now, but it seemed like she wasn't able to stop. The low voice alternated moans and whimpers while asking her to continue, to do it just the way she was and keep driving her crazy.

"Don't stop, Wonhee," Dodo begged and grabbed the pillow right above her head to be able to push back against her with her slim hips. When the pink blush crept even further on the golden skin, the brown-haired woman removed her left hand from the soft fabric above her head and slipped it under her body, hissing when she found what she was looking for. "I'm so close."

“Come for me, Dodo,” she whispered and went even faster, sweat drops collecting between her breasts and rolling down quickly.

The gorgeous woman below her held her breath before groaning loudly and trembling from the intensity of her orgasm. Wonhee could feel it, the way Dodo pulled her in and tightened her legs around her, mumbling her name.

A few seconds were enough for the brown-haired woman to recover and wrap one arm around her neck, pulling her into a deep kiss. The other remained close to her body.

"I love you so fucking much, Wonhee. You're the only person I can be myself with," Dodo mumbled helplessly and covered her face with small kisses while licking the sweat drops off her skin.

“Fuck. You are breathtaking in every sense of the word. I don’t think I’ve ever put so much effort into penetrating someone and it even felt really good. I also think that your brain makes you think that there is only black paint, but I don’t think so. You’re shining, I swear,” Wonhee replied and propped herself up on both arms to not collapse.

"I hope I didn't tire you out too much." Dodo smiled and glanced around, looking for wet tissues until she found some and used them to wipe over her hands thoroughly. "You know, when I've been with men before, I mostly cared about getting off because I thought I couldn't otherwise. There seemed to be some tension in me that just doesn't go away when I'm on my own and doesn't let me relax and love myself. But with you it seems so easy, like you can remove it from me like a blanket. I've never felt this much, and my heart is still beating so quickly. I think it's because it's you. I trust you."

_And now you can live together until the end of times._

Wonhee sighed but forced herself to smile because it was a vulnerable moment and only because her brain decided that it was too much trust and intimacy, didn’t mean that she had to rub it under the other woman’s nose. She had been genuine, and it meant a lot.

“I trust you too, but my brain doesn’t,” Wonhee whispered. “Or it doesn’t trust me. I’m not sure about that.” Moving back carefully, she pulled out the toy from Dodo’s and her body and went to the bathroom to wash it quickly and left it there to disinfect it later. Standing in the doorframe and leaning against the cold surface brought her body and mind back to the status quo. The fact that love didn’t mean much in the face of reality and human decisions.

_The fact that you're a mess. _

“Before I found out about my attraction to women and before embracing it tightly, being intimate had always meant being unsafe. Is it similar to you? Only in straight?” She grinned.

Dodo's face had changed a little after her confession, but still the other woman looked understanding, getting off the bed and slowly moving towards the bathroom. She answered before walking past her.

"Yeah, it either meant I had no control or that I was using somebody to forget my issues. Both wasn't particularly nice."

“Mhm. I understand that. I can’t really feel the ‘using’ part, but the rest is familiar to me too.” Her mind was full of various thoughts, but she never talked about them, so why would she have told them to the person who held her vulnerable core in her big palms, ready to squeeze?

_Why not? Why would that matter?_

“I have a very special feeling when I have been sexually close with someone I care about. My brain works hard and tells me why it was a bad idea and how the intimacy will fuck me over at some point. I try to deal with the additional emotions that seem to be added to the present ones and it feels scary and unsafe.” Whispering the last part, she stared at the blue spot on the top of the doorframe, letting it cover her sight a little bit before focusing on the other woman.

Dodo turned on the tap and washed her hands thoroughly with soap, before continuing with her lower body. The brown eyes remained fixed on the sink as she replied.

"I think I understand that. After all I've been running from intimacy all this time. I thought that if I get close to somebody it will hurt again, just like- like back then. It's my fault that you feel that way, isn't it?"

_It would be, but so much time has passed. It can't be._

“Do you think so? I’m not sure. Can a one-sided love really break someone’s relationship to sex and intimacy? Or do you mean the emotional part? I’m not sure. It might be my personality. Who knows? I just know that I’m trying to fight the way I think by talking to you right now. I know that I will hurt you with my behavior if I don’t. Like now when I was sarcastic. I’m sorry.” Wonhee moved closer and wrapped her arms around Dodo’s waist from the back, placing her cheek against the other woman’s shoulder blade. “I love you, Dodo.”

"I love you too." The answer wasn't as breathless as the last one, but sounded firm, like Dodo wanted her to feel that she meant every single word. "I might not know what love is, but if I've ever felt it, then this must be it. Thank you for talking to me. I know it must be hard. I also joke about things that happened to me, because when I do it feels like they happened to somebody else. The Dodo that I'm not."

Drying her hands, Dodo reached behind herself and stroked over her hair, observing both of them in the bathroom mirror. "I want to help you somehow, to show you that it's okay and if you need time, then that's okay too. I'm simply happy that I'm able to be next to you."

_But what’s the point of getting so close if there is no future?_

She sighed at her own thoughts and only held the slim woman closer, rubbing her lips against the smooth skin. There wasn’t much that she wanted, and it had stayed the same for so many years so why couldn’t she have it? Why couldn’t she have Dodo?

“I really need you to hold me tonight,” she whispered and let go, brushing her teeth and walking back to the bed that was covered in dark blue shadows.

Dodo needed a little longer to follow, but she could hear the other woman brushing her teeth before she appeared in the door frame.

"I'll take care of you," Dodo whispered just like when they were close a while ago and joined her under the blanket. Slim arms pulled her flush against the familiar, warm body as fingers raked through her hair.

She never thought that she needed it, but right at that moment, when the slightly cool skin touched hers, Wonhee understood how much she did. How much her life had consisted of mourning the loss of her best friend, her first love, her home and the place she belonged. Now, lying in Dodo’s arms, it almost felt as if all of it was over now, as if all thoughts could disappear into nothingness, covered by black paint and that she could finally be happy.

Almost.


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Her fingers carefully dipped into the silky black hair, arranging a strand in between them like a wave. Wonhee had always had slightly wavy hair, especially when it was foggy, and Dodo had dragged her through the forest, secretly loving the way her hair framed the round face.

Not much had changed about that with the exception that Wonhee's hair was shorter and transformed into waves even easier, with the least bit of moisture.

The beautiful woman was asleep, chest rising and falling gradually while her curvy body wrapped around her like a second skin. Dodo loved it, she enjoyed the heat that developed at the spot their chests met and she relaxed into the softness of the blanket and the pillow that surrounded them both. The mere fact that Wonhee was able to fall asleep next to her, to relax in her arms gave her immense joy.

_Because that means she's able to let go, at least a little bit._

There was so much that her childhood friend was hiding behind. In one moment, it felt like the short woman was lying in her palm, showing her everything, but as soon as she moved towards the intimacy, increased it, a door shut in her face. Wonhee had explained it herself, told her it was a protection mechanism and the other woman's fear of being close, but somehow Dodo wasn't able to feel distant with her.

_Because she never hurt you, but you hurt her. How could she be sure that it's safe?_

It was reasonable, but still she found herself wishing that the door wouldn't close, that it could stay open just enough for her to slip her hand inside and intertwine her fingers with Wonhee's pale ones.

The intimacy they shared was addictive to her, like something that had been missing from her body and only being next to her childhood friend returned it. When she closed her eyes, she imagined it like the locket she kept with her at all times, hiding it beneath her pillow or keeping it close to her chest. The whole time that she had been on her own, there was no need to be human because it was only associated with the color she didn't want, the memories she didn't want and the situations that gnawed at her skin like vicious insects in the desert.

Being close to Wonhee was the opposite, a plugged tap that had finally been freed up and couldn't stop pouring water anymore. Dodo had been convinced that there was something broken with her, that intimacy was not for people like her, for artists that wanted to become masterpieces, but it seemed like it was the opposite. As soon as she was able to close her fingers around it, her chest rose with her first real breath and there were so many ideas in her head. Situations she could paint, feelings she could explore and depict. They were all her own and that was the most unfamiliar part to it.

Wonhee made her want to be a human again and for once it didn't sound scary, it sounded right.

_

It wasn't like her to be awake before the black-haired woman, but Dodo wanted to make sure that they saw each other before Wonhee left for work. Smiling at the gorgeous being next to her in bed, she placed a gentle kiss to Wonhee's forehead and got up, investing additional effort not to wake her up.

Her body still felt warm from embracing throughout the night and she felt well rested, unlike the nightmares that haunted her occasionally to remind her of the little demons that lived inside her head.

_Maybe demons can also live inside a work of art, who knows? _

There was no way of knowing if her escape was really an escape, but time was going to show.

Not bothering to dress, she brushed her teeth and briefly raked through her hair to have it partially cover her breasts. She liked it this way, it reminded her of some of the paintings she had adored as a child, even if her body was nothing like them.

Staring at the tattoo on her ribs, she wondered if there was anything she could do about the white scar. But it wasn't the first time she played with the thought, so Dodo abandoned it and got to work. She had enough time in Wonhee's apartment to familiarize herself and knew how to prepare the coffee and a little bit of observation was also sufficient to figure out that Wonhee was fond of a collection of cups depicting some of Claude Monet's works.

After she had filled two cups with delicious coffee and added some milk into Wonhee's coffee to cool it down, she returned to the bedroom and placed them on the bedside table. It was difficult not to be enamored by the other woman's sleeping face and the calm that was present on her features. The sight caused Dodo's chest to constrict and she needed a while to realize why.

_Because you barely see it when she is awake. It must be so difficult for her while you overwhelm her with your negative experiences. _

Leaning in, she kissed her favorite lips and enjoyed how much warmer they were in comparison to her own for a few seconds. When she was tempted to never break the kiss, she forced herself to move back and placed her head on top of her crossed arms at the edge of the bed.

"Good morning," she whispered.

First there was a smile, before the round eyes opened and the other woman looked at her, still a little sleepy.

"You're awake? Did you have a bad dream?" she asked.

"No, I made you coffee." Dodo pressed her lips together because it felt nice to know that there was somebody who cared about the fact that she struggled with nightmares. It was unfamiliar, but she wanted to keep the sensation in her chest, let it grow.

There were many things she struggled with, but today she merely wanted to see the black-haired woman and do something for her before she left for work.

Taking the cup from the bedside table, she held it to Wonhee's nose and grinned.

"Smells good?"

"Nothing smells as good as you, but if I had to choose a second favorite it would be coffee," Wonhee smiled and propped up on her elbow, taking a sip from the cup and humming with her eyes closed. The other woman looked at her right after, attentive gaze never leaving her face. "Good things are usually followed by bad things, right?"

"Huh, what do you mean?" She got up and sat down at the corner of the bed, legs crossing for comfort and left hand unable to resist brushing through Wonhee's hair. She had a few ideas about what the other woman might have meant, but she didn't want to address it, not directly. "I'm not planning anything bad. I just wanted to see you before you disappear off to work again. It's lonely opening my eyes when you're not there, so I thought it's nicer when we're both there. You're a goddess straight from a 19th century painting."

"I miss you when I'm at work, but I also have to get used to missing you again at some point. You know that feeling when the dream is nice, and the reality isn't?" The curved lips showed a hint of a smile as the other woman sat up and took another sip of her coffee, letting the blanket pool at her lap.

_She's hinting at the time you're going to leave, isn't she?_

Dodo didn't want to think about it, so she smiled back and grabbed her own cup, almost burning her lips because she never added any milk.

"You won't have to miss me today because I'll be in the hall painting the walls. You can visit me or observe me through the security cams if you miss me." She winked and glanced towards Wonhee's wardrobe. "You even bought me underwear, so I won't accidentally flash anybody."

"You always flash me, but not the way you might think. I'm always surprised to see you, because no memory can ever do your colors justice, beautiful girl." Wonhee leaned forward and connected their lips for a brief moment, leaving the taste of milk coffee on her mouth.

"Fucking smooth," she mumbled because the words got to her and it felt unfamiliar to be so easily affected by a compliment. She instantly fumbled with the blanket before observing the way black dots hinted at her hair growing back as quickly as it always did. "How do you manage to stay so smooth without irritating your skin? Doesn't seem to work with me."

"They don't grow too fast and I laser them regularly. Your hair must grow faster, but so what? That's simply the way it is. One doesn't have to be all smooth." Finishing her coffee, the black-haired woman stood up and went to brush her teeth, before returning to the spot on the bed after putting on makeup and getting ready.

_You do when you want to fit in._

"You're progressing quickly. I really love the progress. It gives me goosebumps. Not that I expected any less, but you're really fast."

"Because you are inspiring."

Dodo's eyes widened a little as soon as the words left her lips, mostly because it had been a thought she cultivated inside her head and hadn't planned to share yet. She was scared of sharing her inspiration in case it decided to leave her too, turning her into a shell.

_It's what you will be once you are done with it, because then the blackness will come back to haunt you._

Leaving had always been the only way out.

"I decided on the outcome. Now I only have to paint it."

"I know. Your hesitation is gone. It had been the same back then. You seemed restless until you decided on something and then you followed through with it. Always. I can't wait to see the result," Wonhee whispered and bit down on her bottom lip, showing that she was scared and nervous without hiding it. Just like she did years ago.

"The art is not the only thing I decided on," she replied and reached out to wrap her arms around the woman she loved, kissing the top of her head and hoping that the embrace was able to provide the comfort that her words wouldn't be able to. "I want to spend as much time as possible with you. Do you think I could stay here instead? With you?"

_You're being selfish again. _

"You mean at my apartment?" Wonhee asked and nodded right after. "What's the point anyway, am I right? You can stay here. I love watching you before I leave for work."

_She can't say no, so isn't it irresponsible of you to ask? _

"I love seeing you too," she murmured before placing another kiss on Wonhee's head. She knew that the other woman had to leave for work. "I love you."

"Love might be too bland of a word to describe how I feel about you, but it'll have to do, I guess. I'll try to be like a dog, being happy without letting myself be pressured by the past or sad thoughts about the future, it’s nice like that." Smiling briefly, the black-haired woman stood up and grabbed her face, leaning down slowly and kissing her, touch light like a feather. "I love you. My beautiful Dodo."

It seemed like a dream when the silhouette disappeared in the hallway and she heard the prophetic sound of the door closing.

_Is that what it's going to be like for her, only without the knowledge that you'll return?_

The burning was unpleasant, so she swallowed it down and thought of something else, focusing on the idea that was growing in her mind and taking form with every passing second. It was easier that way.

Because she was selfish.

***

The walls and floors of the Tate slowly transformed into everything that she loved about Dodo. Shabby concrete turned into a mixture of various colors, thoughtful and relevant. If she had to name the masterpiece that was forming below her high heels, she would've called it 'The Stages Of a Woman: Violence'. It showed the various violent situations a woman was confronted with starting with being a child and continuing into adulthood. There was sexual violence that the talented artist showed in such a raw honesty that it hurt, there was institutional violence, a policeman ignoring a woman with blood running down her legs, a business meeting with a single woman who sat there with her mouth stitched. It showed what it meant to bear children, have a family and talked about abortion law. The work of art hurt with every step and Wonhee was in love with it, just like she was in love with Dodo. Recklessly, overwhelmingly and breathless from pain.

Apart from various meetings and her admiration for Dodo's art, there was a quiet voice in her head, trying to talk to her. Warn her about what was about to come and the inevitable nature of it, but she ignored the messages. Instead, she preferred to act as if everything was going to be fine, even though she could see the tall woman paint day and night, finishing way faster than she anticipated.

_She'll be gone soon._

Wonhee threw a few dresses and one jumpsuit into her luggage and heard Dodo come out of the shower, hair still wet and leaving drops on the wooden floor. The beautiful woman looked like a mermaid, someone who was not from this world, someone she couldn't have for herself, who disappeared back into the black sea as soon as she turned around.

_Maybe that's the way it is supposed to be? _

"I will be gone for two days as the cultural leadership board is meeting in Dublin this time. I will leave the keys, so you can come and go and Dior knows, so she'll be there if you need something." Wonhee smiled and tossed her underwear in the suitcase, before turning back around to look at the tall woman.

There was something unreadable on Dodo's face for a few seconds until she smiled and stepped close enough to wrap her arms around Wonhee's shoulders, kissing her cheek.

"Are you leaving right now?" the other woman asked softly and was as casual about her state of undress as she always was.

"I have half an hour but then I have to go to the airport," she replied, lifting on her tiptoes and kissing Dodo's soft lips. "Would you like to cuddle before I put on my business attire?"

The brown-haired woman nodded slowly and bit down on her plump bottom lip. She seemed upset about her departure, but it was only for a few days and Dodo had been busy painting the past week, barely coming to the apartment at all.

Dodo intertwined their fingers and pulled her towards the bed, throwing her long body on top of it and tugging her along.

"I like you like this, before you become your business self. It feels like you're closer to me this way."

"I missed you," Wonhee whispered and wrapped her arms around Dodo's slim waist, pushing her fingers into the soft flesh. The beautiful woman lost weight again, probably only drawing and not eating anything. "You're so thin."

"Who knows maybe I'll just be air someday." A low chuckle vibrated along her shoulders and Dodo buried her nose in her hair, inhaling sharply. "I love how soft you are. You're not perfect, but perfection is ugly."

Dodo's fingers travelled over her torso to her hips, following her curves, tenderly brushing along the skin.

Becoming air wasn't any good because Wonhee knew what it meant not being able to breathe when Dodo wasn't around. She needed her.

"Don't be air. Be you in all your colors. Sometimes when I look at you it seems as if you stepped out of the many colors I've seen throughout the years, but you're real and I know that you are here with me, but a little voice inside my head tells me to look closer, to make sure that I'm not making this up. Dodo, you're the most beautiful palette I've ever seen." Her breath hitched when her fingertips traced the line between Dodo's breasts, cupped the soft flesh and circled the dark nipple. "Perfection doesn't exist and there's no point searching for it."

Dodo hummed, trembling briefly as goosebumps spread over the golden skin, starting from the small hardened nipple.

"Inspiration makes me bright," the brown-haired woman whispered and inhaled again, rubbing her round nose along Wonhee's temple.

"I'm not sure about that. I think you always shine just like this. You did back then, and you do now, only your eyes look different, deeper, darker, but I like that because I feel that it reflects me so well." Wonhee glanced towards the window, noticing that the clouds that were there a second ago had given way for beautiful yellow sun rays, painting Dodo into a sunset at the beach, into a mermaid with a golden tail or as Wonhee liked to think, into her real colors.

"Look, the sun came out to show me your colors," she whispered and couldn't tear her gaze from the unreal sight of the woman next to her who was bathing in the sun rays like everything existed only to make this masterpiece possible. Wonhee understood that Dodo was a work of art, overwhelmed and terrified at the same time.

_

All of the uncertainty in her head didn’t leave her the brain capacity to listen to what the ‘cultural leaders’ of the country had to say about her project, but suddenly it felt empty, unimportant, irrelevant to what was going to come next. The word next burned a hole into her chest like a lit cigarette that Dodo pushed slowly right between her breasts. The burning pushed through her skin and ribs, penetrating her insides before entering her lungs and escaping as the foggy exhales that looked like cigarette smoke, travelling high up to the grey Dublin sky.

_She will leave you._

The fear brought out the worst in her, her insecurities and the knowledge that she was messed up too. Wonhee knew all along and still collected all the artefacts of pain that would accompany her for another ten years or more before she would helplessly try to get rid of them like an idiot, lying to herself that her mind can’t recollect every tiny detail. It can. It is exceptional. Just not for forgetting. Wonhee wasn’t made to forget.

_You were made to know about every single detail, remember the way her skin gives out under your fingertips and how she looks before she wakes up._

During the past few weeks Wonhee had spent most of her time observing the masterpiece that was Dodo. She loved how the dark hair on her slim arms lifted when goosebumps started spreading over her body and she adored Dodo’s long hair that the other woman kept leaving all over the apartment. Others would’ve been annoyed or disgusted, but she was happy because the long strands on her carpet meant that Dodo was still there, existed next to her.

_Why do you feel so restless? She didn’t say that she would leave. She would tell you. She would… right?_

Wonhee gasped and attracted the attention of the two older men that sat across from her, staring without any hint of understanding, but what could they understand, if they couldn’t see the point of showing people the suffering that happened right under their noses as they carelessly stepped over the victims, hurting them with their ignorance.

“Isn’t it a waste of money? It will take weeks to clean this up,” the talking hedgehog commented with his head tilted to the side.

“Many things are a waste of money. Like you and me sitting here. The art project on the other hand, definitely isn’t.” Wonhee stood up and took her small bag, nodding at the other members of the board. They had already gone overtime, and she hated that. “We won’t clean it. It’s art. Have you seen someone trying to clean the Mona Lisa from the frame? No? Exactly my point.” Smiling firmly, she inhaled deeply and left the stuffy conference room. Her lungs felt like they needed to breathe some fresh air, as if she was suffocating, but even running out of the building didn’t help and only when she stopped, she realized that thick drops were hitting her skin. It was raining.

_It feels right._

Wonhee felt like the rain, like crying, wanting to get rid of all the emotion inside her chest, let it dissolve in salty water and flow down the drain. She wanted the tears to enter the earth under the rough concrete that felt so hard under her bare feet, somewhere where nobody would be able to find it.

Buried.

Spreading her arms, she looked up and imagined that there was blue color on her legs that the rain washed off and that soaked the puddles under her feet. Closing her eyes and feeling the heavy cold drops mix with her warm tears, she imagined another pair of slim legs next to her.

Painted red.

_

The business trip had felt like torture to her, even though the cultural board meeting had usually been the least annoying of the business meetings she had to attend. Figuring that she would find Dodo at the museum, she stuffed a bill into the cab driver’s palm and jumped out of the car, pulling her small trolley along. She couldn’t wait to finally close her eyes in the one-of-a-kind embrace Dodo was able to provide, turning off her thoughts and worries for a few seconds like a magical moment. Like it was them living in a big bubble for that moment, protected and safe.

Instead of finding her lover on the floor painting, there was a barricade around a big area of the museum with a few people standing around it. Wonhee wondered what it was that the people were looking at, but her heart started beating faster when she came closer, when she saw the parts that she had already seen completed in a huge work of art that covered most of the space on the smooth concrete floors. Apart from the cycle of violence that Wonhee already knew, there was a finale that Dodo painted after she left. A woman leaning down, staring right at her with her thick lips pulled together, chest covered in black writing. A quote by Audre Lorde. ‘Your silence won’t protect you’ it said.

The feeling was hard to describe, but when she looked to the right and to the left, she saw a few people crying. Reaching for her cheeks, she wiped the warm liquid away and stared at the floor again.

_You are like them now. Unrelated, but touched by her masterpiece. It doesn’t matter whether you know her. She left this, and she left you._

Wonhee didn’t know whether her lover had left, but it felt like it. Like a goodbye Dodo style. Quick, intense, accompanied by a work of art and leaving no room for objection.

_She was never yours in the first place._

Wonhee was like everybody else, crying at the depiction of what was going wrong around the people in London drawn by an artist who knew what violence meant oh so well. Maybe that was why she could almost smell blood and tears that soaked the concrete floors in their colors. She was bleeding too, but she had no right. Not in front of the masterpiece.

Alone. She needed to be alone.

Turning around, she read the signature next to the painting. Liberté Fatale. LiFa. Freedom in its fatal form, irresistible and not bound to a place.

She rushed out and there was still a hint of hope, like a fading star that lit up her way home until she opened the door to her apartment and walked through, searching for something and only finding her keys on the table.

Lying down on the fluffy carpet that was stained with a black circle of spray paint, Wonhee stared at the black ceiling, exhaling tears and words like a mantra that she used to calm down.

“Dodo. Dodo. Dodo,” she whispered, fisting the fabric under her fingers, but nobody came, and she knew that nobody would. It almost seemed as if everything stayed the same. The dull pain in her chest and the feeling of having lost everything again.

Unchanged.

***

The familiar feeling of nothing was much subtler this time. It didn't exist right next to her, following each of her steps like a shadow while leading her into every single mud puddle in her way. The sensation of gaping emptiness was almost like a sudden visitor that cleaned the window from fresh snow and grinned at her, reminding her that she had forgotten about it in all her undeserved happiness.

The more paint that covered the concrete walls and floors of the Tate, the closer her old companion was to the front door of the little house she was hiding in. It was all in her head, a simple cottage at the beach that was threatened by the black sea right outside of it. The sea was stormy and loud, but somehow Wonhee's presence had made it so much easier to bear, as if the black-haired woman had closed all the windows and shut the blinds, hiding whatever was behind them.

_But was she really? You kept thinking about it, but next to her, the thoughts weren't as bad anymore._

It didn't matter how her thoughts changed, because the sea didn't disappear and neither did her old companion, opening the door to her cottage and beckoning her outside as soon as she added the last line. It was black, so fitting to everything that was happening in her head.

Dodo didn't know what she had been thinking before, why she had believed that she belonged with the black-haired woman. It might have been true, but Wonhee wasn't cut away from everything around her. The gorgeous woman was a part of the world around her, the tall buildings, the expensive clothes, the museum that she was in charge of and business meetings that she had to attend. All of it was part of Wonhee's world too.

_But it's not part of yours._

She must have been naive to set it aside, to forget that she didn't belong only because she stayed in an apartment that smelled like Wonhee and allowed her to see the other woman every evening. It hadn't even mattered that both of them were exhausted. Dodo didn't need anything else apart from warm arms around her and the familiar scent in her nose.

_It is perfect for as long as there is nothing else._

But unfortunately, there was everything else and that everything was catching up with her and turning her into nothing.

Standing in the empty apartment and missing the sound of steps that made their way towards the elevator, the thought materialized all on its own.

_You have to leave._

She had known that it was coming when she figured out what to paint, when her hands weren't able to slow down, but applied layer after layer from dusk till dawn. There were still blisters on her hands from some of the heavier brushes and no matter how many times she had tried to make herself slow down, to extend the time she had with the black-haired woman, she wasn't able to.

_Because extending the time won't make you a part of this._

Dodo had always thought that being there and showing the way she felt was going to make a difference, but Wonhee was right. It didn't, not really.

The two of them were in love, but the distance that had separated them back then, the miles that made Wonhee an accepted part of society and Dodo an outcast, were still there. Her lover couldn't open up fully, express herself and let her in and Dodo couldn't escape the fact that she was on her own, even when there was somebody next to her.

_You can't remain in a place this perfect. It needs to be broken, just like you._

_

Each step was familiar, and Dodo moved through them like she imagined herself shedding layers of clothing. She abandoned the intimacy she created with the other woman by locking it into a far corner inside her mind, the same one that harbored her most precious childhood memories.

She left the key that led her to Wonhee on the cold kitchen table and wasn't able to hold back the way her fingers shook. There was no reason for them to shake. After all she had locked all the thoughts away, along with herself. There was no space for Dodo when she wasn't next to the woman she was in love with, her childhood friend.

_You're banning her to the nothing. You have to be art now._

Dodo was only an image that existed next to somebody else, a burst of colors that was surrounded by pitch black and the remaining bits and pieces of what had once been a human. She didn't want to be a human anymore, not when she was leaving.

_But why aren't you? Why are you still standing here and staring at this photograph even though it shouldn't matter anymore? _

It wasn't that easy. Not anymore.

Back then, Dodo hadn't known what awaited her, what leaving her only friend and the only person she felt close to meant for her. She had been naive ten years ago, but now there were all her memories to remind her of the pain she felt, of the tear that moved right through her ribcage and accompanied the white scar on her tattoo. All of it was there and she couldn't pretend that it wasn't, not while it still burned.

_You've seen her pain, but you're doing it all over again._

She couldn't explain it, not to Wonhee and not to herself. There was a place for her, but it seemed like an illusion, something that she begged into existence only to realize that it wasn't real. Wonhee didn't know that it wasn't real either. The black-haired woman must have begged it into existence too, creating a space just like Dodo had created her cottage to be safe from the black sea. It was only temporary, and a single wave might be enough to break everything they had been building in their own minds.

_Maybe that is what Dior had seen all along, calling you crazy because she could see that it was all imaginary, that both of you were too weak to recognize._

Her cheeks felt wet as she lifted the familiar photograph from the floor, surprised because it didn't feel like they were hers. The drops collected and rolled down, but it seemed like she felt nothing, nothing at all.

_It must have caught up with you._

She gasped and sank to her knees, scared by how her vision blurred and her body trembled. Dodo knew the feeling well, the knowledge that she couldn't relax until her hands created something, leaving a mark on the empty floors and the apartment that harbored everything that had ever been dear to her. Not even once in her life had she met somebody who was as important as the short, black-haired woman that decided that she belonged with her so easily.

_Maybe you need to leave the colors with her._

Swallowing down another wave of tears, she rubbed over her eyes to clear her vision and pulled up the sleeves of her dress. It had gotten colder over time and she was slowly getting used to covering her arms even if her legs always remained bare. Soon it wouldn't matter anymore, leaving her in clothes that hid who she was or got her into danger, anything that was distracting enough.

_You have to pull them out and leave them for her, there are no use for you. She's the only one who can see them anyway._

Dodo needed several long moments to stop trembling, to forget about the person she was and become an artist only, somebody that poured whatever was on the inside on a surface on the outside. Her canvas was the wooden floor in the bedroom, surrounding the big bed that the two of them had embraced on. She wanted to leave the most valuable thing about her for Wonhee, surround the space she lay in and make her feel like there was nothing to miss anymore. If she left the colors, then there was nothing to her, was there?

Arranging all of the paint cans she owned including the ones that Wonhee had gifted her, she created a palette that had never existed. Every possible color she was able to think of and create with the colors she had. There were bright ones, timid ones, emotional ones, and shades that froze the blood in her veins. All of it was there and she applied it to the light brown wood around the bed, surrounding it like a protective circle, one that faded out towards the outside.

Everything that was valuable about her was flowing from the familiar spot in her chest, over her slim arm and wrist, to the brush until it remained on the floor. It was calming, like letting go of the only good thing about her was also relieving. It took the pressure of having to fix it, of cleaning out the black and becoming valuable. That way she could be herself, emotions filled with black.

And the spot where the color had been?

Being away from Wonhee was going to paint it black all on its own.

_

Her fingers hurt from repeatedly patting the rough wall with them, not used to uneven surfaces and using her hands instead of brushes. A harsh breath left her plump lips from the effort and she felt grateful that it didn't sound like a young woman. Maybe it didn't even sound like a human, that would have been nice.

A glance at her hands revealed a vibrant bordeaux. It resembled blood that ran down her wrists and somehow, she enjoyed the sight. It reminded her of something, of feeling pain without seeing the reason for it. Like this she could pretend that the throbbing in her chest had a source, that the red color was at fault.

_But how can it be at fault if it's not even yours? You already bled it all out._

She loved lying to herself, pretending that she was telling other people's stories and there was nothing to say about herself. The combination of lines and colors in front of her, located in a heavily populated and religious area of Kuala Lumpur told a whole different story.

_They will arrest you for this._

Maybe that was what she hoped for. To finally stop feeling and be occupied with the terrible things that happened around her. She wasn't Dodo anymore, not a human, so why was she feeling so much? Why were there drops on her hands that liquified the color and let it drip to the concrete below her feet?

_Are you crying again? _

A sudden anger at her own inability passed through her, the urge to grab the bucket of red and pour it over the two women that were embracing intimately on the wall in front of her.

_You're painting intimacy, you only paint intimacy._

The LiFa from back then painted others' experiences, so why was she painting her desires now? Dodo was gone, bled out on the wooden floors of her lover's apartment. There was nothing left that should have hurt, that should have evoked the yearning that she felt.

_They still look like her, no matter how much you try._

A sob shook her chest and she buried her nails in her jeans-clad thighs, hair hidden to pretend to be a man again. The pain distracted her enough to reach for the bucket of black paint. There was no point in showing her insides. The black sea had no reason to leave. It was living inside of her for good.

_Just make it disappear again. _

She was just about to pour the color over her creation when a quick motion in the corner of her eye forced her to let the paint go and turn around. There was a woman dressed in black, hair tied into a bun and coming closer with slow steps. She couldn't see her well, not until she stepped into the dimmed light of the streetlamp.

"Do you make more of those? Or are you tripping on crack?" a familiar voice asked when she could finally recognize Dior's face that looked different, but more beautiful and natural without makeup.

Her eyes widened and for a moment she genuinely considered the sight in front of her to be a hallucination. She swallowed and stared at the different features, wondering if she could have made that up.

"No, I don't," she replied. It wasn't a lie. What she saw right in front of her wasn't art. It was her not coping and that didn't count. "It has to go."

Sucking her lips into her mouth while pretending that she did the same with her feelings, she lifted the bucket of paint again.

"Don't you dare touch it, you crazy bitch," the other woman hissed, moving closer and simply kicking the paint out of her hands with some martial arts move she didn't expect. "Stop going nuts and let's go."

She observed the way her precious paint covered the ground, flowing along the cracks and down the drain that was located a few meters away. It could have been funny had she not struggled to get money to buy it.

"That shit is expensive, and money doesn't rain from the sky around here," she mumbled and found herself wishing that she could be the paint, just flow somewhere without feeling anything. That would have been better than looking at the familiar face and remembering another, the features that her fingers kept yearning to paint on the walls instead of stories. "I'm where I belong."

_You're not. That place doesn't exist because you thought it up._

"Bullshit. The place you belong is where you smile while looking like a fat toddler and that's obviously next to my best friend who acts like an adult during the day and cries on her carpet in the night, unwilling to remove any of your scribbles from her apartment floors." Dior sighed loudly and grabbed her wrist, pulling her closer. "I don't have much patience left after that terrible economy flight, the heat and people not understanding what I want from them. I'm sweating, and you know what I hate most? Sweating. And my friend being broken hearted because you both can't get your shit together. You look as if you didn't sleep and didn't eat. Come with me, I'll feed you Champagne and chocolate."

She would have chuckled because everything the other woman said was a splendid mixture of truth and bullshit.

"It's easy, you find it terrible because you don't belong here. You belong there, much like Wonhee does. You were right back then when you told us to stop hurting each other. I can't give her the trust she needs and no matter how much the two of us try, I don't fit in. Half-assed humans like me don't belong anywhere. I'm unfinished like the shit that my brain is producing." She took a deep breath after realizing her voice was getting much louder than necessary, not welcome while standing next to a provocative painting. "I'm sorry for hurting both of us, but I left her everything valuable about me. There shouldn't be anything left to miss."

_Only the intimacy you keep painting._

Her hands tensed, and she buried her nails in the soft palms, focusing on that sensation instead of the burning in her chest. There was supposed to be black color only, so why was she feeling like this?

"Okay, listen up, I'm not going to discuss your depressive thoughts in front of a lesbian painting in Kuala Lumpur. You didn't leave her anything but pain, you selfish bitch, and now come with me so I can talk to you properly without having to sweat and fear to be canned because you love pussy." Tugging at her wrist, the slim woman pulled her closer, walking towards the main street, wrapping one arm around her waist and laughing loudly, as a man walked past them.

She freaked out briefly and glanced over her shoulder, staring at the art and then at the buckets that were still standing there. Luckily it was dark enough and the guy couldn't have seen the paint on her hands.

"I look like I killed somebody," she muttered, staring at her fingers. Her body was giving in so easily even though her mind was still fighting. Dior didn't understand the problem, for that she didn't know her well enough, but maybe there was a way to make her understand.

_She could try to help Wonhee too while you try to stop being a pathetic half-human in pain. _

"You should have seen me when a client suddenly got a nosebleed from too much excitement and I ran out to let Shownu help me. You should've seen his face. That’s when I realized that he is loyal." Giggling, Dior turned around the corner and opened the door of a black car, pushing her inside and joining her right after, both legs thrown over her lap as she lay down. "God, the adrenaline," the other woman muttered before giving the driver a sign.

"Because we could have been seen?" she asked calmly and leaned against the backrest, wondering how she returned to a situation in which people from her past kept reappearing outside of her memories. "I feel nothing, it's merely automatic now. My body does something, but it has nothing to do with me."

Just when she spoke the words there was a sensation of liquid running down her cheek and she wiped over it.

_Your body is hurt but you're nothing._

"Your body loved you before anybody else did. You shouldn't be like this. You have to protect it." The weight disappeared from her thighs and she felt Dior's slim arms wrap around her, one hand wiping the tears from her cheeks. "You don't feel nothing and that's why I know that there's hope for you."

"I wish I felt nothing," she whispered in reply, but her voice didn't sound like her at all, interrupted by sobs that shook her chest. She hated it. She hated it so much.

Why couldn't she be one whole thing, either a work of art or a human? Either an abundance of colors or a feeling being that fit into the world much like everybody else did. But it wasn't going to work, because both of them had been lying to themselves.

"She won't be satisfied. It's- it's an illusion," she sobbed and covered her eyes with her palm, detesting how easily comfort could break her. "She can't trust me, even if it's love. I'm not complete, broken. Of course, she can't trust me and I'll never really belong because we don't exist on our own. There is a whole world attached to Wonhee and she's too perfect for somebody like me, even if I love all her imperfections." Her body tensed, and she buried her left hand in her thighs, yearning for paint to cover herself in. "Fuck, I want to die again. Why did you come?"

"I came to take you with me. You are both messed up, Dodo. You only know how to be alone and she only knows how to be hurt. You need to work on this because you're not alone anymore and she doesn't have to be hurt and has to learn how to love. You both have to. It is a mess, I know, but that's not it. I can see it." Dior placed a kiss on her cheek suddenly, brown eyes focusing on her and blinking unevenly. "You remind me of myself a few years ago. I couldn't regulate the way I felt and it all felt like too much or too little or as if people could never understand."

"I'm empty," she whispered and squeezed her eyes shut. It hurt to be called Dodo because she tried so hard not to be. Why was it so fucking hard? Back then she had left and dealt with the consequences of her actions. How could there still be anything to break after all this time? "I'm empty or there is too much, and I need to bleed it out. But it doesn't fucking work, Dior. I paint but it doesn't get better. I just paint intimacy, but I never paint what I need, only what needs to go."

_Maybe your art is gone, you left it along with the colors._

"You're not empty. I know it and Wonhee knows it. What do you think she thought after you left her with the color explosion around her bed? She thought that you left her because there was nothing good enough about her to stay, but that you put some color around her because she doesn't have any. Do you understand how messy this is? I also want to tell you something else," Dior whispered and leaned back, grabbing her face with both palms. "I'm not only here because of Wonhee, even though it was indeed the main reason for coming all the way. I'm also here because I know how that feels. I'm no artist but I know how it burns and makes you feel useless, empty, dead. I know it all, but I also know that you don't have to feel like this, Dodo. You are more than this. You are loved, but you don't know how to deal with this. Come back with me. I'll help you."

_Your love still doesn't understand your work when it's about you or herself. _

"But how can you know how I feel if I can't even figure it out myself?" she whispered back and shuddered as another wave of tears rolled down her cheeks. "How can she think she's colorless? Her colors are what I have been painting all this time. I only left her what was left of mine."

"I was lucky because she was next to me when I was at my worst, but you were alone, Dodo. How could you have made the same conclusions if all you know is pain? As soon as your mouth opens it speaks loneliness. I know that I can't force you, but I can't give up either. I don't even want to ask you because it's ridiculous, but are you happy like this? Are you happy that you left? Does it feel good to be alone again? Don't you miss her? Do you feel it when she walks barefoot over the painted concrete at the Tate to feel closer to you? Has nothing changed since you left ten years ago?"

The questions could have been daggers with the pain they left in her chest, throbbing and reminding her that she wasn't coping. Coping meant that she could live like she had before, painting other people's stories while letting the black bleed out occasionally. Now that she left there was nothing of value. She knew that Wonhee was hurt, that the black-haired woman wasn't going to forget that easily because she hadn't been able to all this time. She kept thinking about the way they were close, the intimacy she enjoyed and that Wonhee was the only person on the planet that cares about her, that knows who she really is behind all the black color that filled her over the years.

"My feelings are unchanged," she whispered and couldn't help the way her lips trembled with every word. "She's still the only person I ever think of, only that now I don't have an excuse to believe I didn't hurt her."

"I know, I'm not talking like the best friend right now, but you need to think about yourself too. You want to be next to her, Dodo. It is legit, and it is valid. You should go. There's no use in thinking about what's gone. I keep telling Wonhee, but she doesn't understand because everything she has ever loved is gone. Just go back. Change the pattern. Do something. Please." Wrapping her long fingers around her arm, Dior bit down on her bottom lip and held her breath when they stopped in front of the airport. The other woman must've talked that through with the driver prior to going to find her.

Dodo almost laughed at how easily Dior was able to get her way, planning to talk to her on the way to the airport.

_But that doesn't solve anything, it only numbs the pain because she will be next to you._

"How can you be so sure that she wants the me I am now? I can't even paint," she murmured and wondered if it was possible to drown in a sea of self-hatred instead of black. She had left because she didn't belong and because Wonhee couldn't open up, but was being close going to solve that? How could it? "What will change when I return? She will still be miserable and be in pain on her own while trying to pretend that I belong."

"Don't even try to give yourself an excuse for leaving. You have half an hour, I bought a ticket in your name, take it or leave it, but I think that you're able to fight so I'll trust in that before getting disappointed. You're 28 years old and you left the person that loves you the most, that loves you independent of your art, that sees something in you that she cherishes more than anything. The worst is, that you love her too, so at least try, otherwise you're just a selfish coward." Slapping an envelope on her thighs, Dior pulled her lips together and left the car, taking a trolley out of the trunk and walking towards the doors of the terminal building.

Dodo stared after the slim woman and wondered why it was so easy, why the envelope burned her fingers but not enough to resist it. Dior was wrong about her being a fighter, because if she had been one, she could have dealt with the loss instead of yearning for the one person that matters the most to her.

Not bothering to look back, she climbed out of the cab and pressed the envelope to her chest, struggling to understand what she was going to do. The decision seemed made, all of her belongings apart from her passport left behind in her small room while the only thing that really mattered was the woman at the other side of the world and the locket in the pocket of her jeans.

Dodo had no idea whether coming back was going to change anything, whether Wonhee would see the colors she left behind and change her mind. There were so many things that could go wrong, but she wasn't a fighter.

She was weak, a weak non-human that couldn't bear to be alone anymore.

***

Her butt hurt from the round metal railing she was sitting on. The black dress wasn't really a good outfit of choice to sit under the bridge and stare at graffiti, but she didn't think about it before jumping into her car and driving all the way. There was no feeling of danger that she had the last time she collected Dodo from this place. There was no feeling at all, just memories and the value they had, making them the only thing that she felt she had left.

_She made you feel a special kind of way. Coloring your perception as soon as you opened your eyes. Nobody else ever could and nobody can. _

Why was she so hurt if she had known from the start that Dodo wasn't hers, that the thing they had was only there because of something Dodo had to do, a masterpiece that the artist needed to create, a story she had to tell?

Wonhee had no stories to tell. Her life was a story of the color grey during the day and the color blue during the night. Functioning and hurt, disgustingly adapted, and giving her lover the feeling that she belonged in this world even though she didn't.

_In the end you didn't let her see. Maybe she left because of that._

_Or she left because there is nothing about you that would make her happy._

It hurt and thinking hurt even more than distracting herself with work, with appointments, fighting for the masterpiece to stay on the floors of the Tate, acting out the functional adult in front of everybody including her best friend who disappeared for five days. She couldn't blame Dior. Who wanted to look at misery and pretense for years without seeing any hint of improvement? Wonhee should be thankful to the other woman for staying with her all this time, bearing the lack of trust and the constant attempts at running away from emotional topics.

_Maybe you're the one who is unchangeable._

She didn't cry, for that she was too used to being composed on the outside all those years, but the problem was that the lack of tears didn't mean the absence of pain. If she had to name her greatest achievement during those past ten years, it would've been the ability to fall apart without anybody noticing.

_Great job, _she thought and jumped down from the railing, before walking back to the car to return to work. The museum of modern art welcomed her with a stabbing pain of the knowledge that the short happiness she had felt during the past weeks had not been a dream. Just before the blue apartment would casually add that the departure of the person she needed to breathe hadn't been a dream either.

_A nightmare. It’s a nightmare. _

_

Dior kept calling, but Wonhee went from one meeting to the next. Drained and barely breathing, she closed the door of her office and leaned against it, sliding down slowly. It was ridiculous that she had to protect the piece Dodo created on the concrete floors with all her might, fighting as if it was about her own life. Why hadn’t she been able to do that for the person? For the person she loved more than anything else?

_Because you are still hurt, and you think that's the way it’s supposed to be. She is supposed to leave you because you’re colorless and even after ten years there is nothing she likes enough to stay. You didn’t show her what there is for her to not be disappointed, but how is this better?_

Her chest constricted again, and she hated it so much because she was at work. She was supposed to function. Be strong and not show any vulnerability because people thought she was weak if she did. She just wanted to feel the way she used to. Feeling the constant pulling in her chest when she saw a beautiful painting or an installation that made her remember the times she was young and in love with her best friend. Wonhee wasn’t supposed to fall apart. Not like this.

Inhaling sharply a few times and forcing her tears back, she stood up and fixed the fit of her dress before leaving her office. She liked the development the piece of art went through. First, people just stepped over it, unaware that there was something under their feet, but now that it was common and talked about, visitors tried to see the whole picture, walking around it and careful not to step on the paint.

“It’s overwhelming,” a male voice whispered next to her and made her turn around to look at the tall figure standing next to her, big hands wrapped around the railing and glancing down at the masterpiece that Dodo left before disappearing. The visitor was around thirty, black hair, slim and seemed to be of Asian descent. The most distinct feature was his round nose and equally round, thick lips that were even more attention seeking as Wonhee saw his profile first.

“It is. But it should be,” she replied, returning her attention to the floors and the colors covering it.

“Is it my fourth time seeing it, but I still notice new details and it makes me feel all kinds of things. I’m wondering whether it’s the same for a woman if she looks at it. Does it hurt? Does it make a woman feel helpless or angry? I was never really confronted with anything like that, so I don’t understand, but I’ve seen so many women cry, unable to look closer. It made me wonder whether there is something terrible happening, something that is here, under our noses, our feet, but that we can’t see because we need empathy,” the black-haired visitor said and turned to her, big eyes staring right into hers.

_They can’t see because they don’t want to see._

“I’m thankful that you’re thinking about it. It’s a first step. To be honest, every single woman I know has experienced at least one of the depicted situations once or multiple times in her life. Is that okay? Is that something that we should accept as the course of things? Most do. We are living in a society where it’s shameful for a woman to talk about violence. About the fact that someone just does something with our bodies that we don’t want and can’t protect ourselves from, for various reasons. Then, if we finally decide, after days, weeks, months or years of trauma, when we feel that we can finally speak about it, we meet policemen, male lawyers, male judges, male doctors who don’t believe us, belittle us, make us feel as if our problem doesn’t exist, as if it’s nothing. As if we’re nothing. Do you understand?” Wonhee stared, lips pressed together and chest constricting because of how close all of it was to the surface, ready to emerge as soon as the topic was brought up.

“I don’t,” the black-haired man whispered, not averting his gaze and chewing on his cheek. “I don’t, but I want to understand. I want to know what we can do.”

“Do you identify as male?” she asked briefly, to make sure she didn’t mis gender somebody accidentally. After the visitor nodded in agreement, she continued. “I see, so imagine moving in a space where your body autonomy is not respected, where your personal boundaries are not respected. Where people use your gender representation to assume that you are weak and expect you to comply with gender norms and roles you never agreed on. Everybody should be a feminist; do you know why? Because it’s a basic human right to be treated equally independent of your gender. It’s ridiculous that we have to paint the floors of the Tate with situations that women have to go through as they grow up to make people understand what is going on. To make men see and to make women talk, show them that their silence won’t protect them. It won’t.” Sighing, Wonhee wiped a tear that managed to escape her carefully constructed image and turned to the tall man. “What you can do is to educate yourself, be courageous, don’t accept it if you see that someone is treating a man, a woman, a child badly. Any human. Educate your friends, your family, talk about those things and make your female friends, your partner, your mother, your sister feel safe and give them the opportunity to talk about the trauma that they are confronted with. Don’t be silent because of the awkwardness. We can feel it and we won’t talk. I hope that I was able to answer your question.”

Blinking a few times, the male visitor stopped chewing on his cheek and tilted his head, looking at her name tag that she forgot to take off after the last meeting. “But you are the director here, right? It can’t be that you have the same experiences, right? You must have support and power that protects you from those things.”

“Bullshit,” she hissed, stepping closer and curling her fingers into fists at her sides, feeling the anger boil inside her veins. “I was at the Ministry of Culture for a talk last month, mentioning that art should address societal issues where they arise as we had a 65% increase in violence against girls and women during the last year. And then one of the highest-ranking politicians there came to me, after I said goodbye to my girlfriend, and told me that I shouldn’t be so timid and just let myself get fucked hard once to stop being whiny and complicated. Power my ass. If it was that easy, famous women wouldn’t get raped, sexually harassed or humiliated. Maybe you haven’t done anything like that, but you aren’t educated. Please catch up on that, be a decent person.”

Turning her head, Wonhee looked down to the crowd and her eyes stopped on a long figure that stood leaning against one of the concrete walls. White blouse, black pencil skirt, long brown hair that she would’ve recognized anywhere and bright neon-green socks. Her heart stopped, and she stopped caring about the man who was trying to talk to her about feminism. Instead, she simply stared down, leaning over the railing to see better. Even though it seemed too far away to tell for sure, it seemed as if the Dodo from ten years ago was standing in front of the masterpiece, chewing on her cheek and looking at her.

Wonhee knew that it couldn’t have been real, that it was a hallucination, but still her tears spilled from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks and making her realize how much she was falling apart, in front of a stranger, at work, in the grey reality that should’ve been safe.

And again, the person she loved, the palette of a thousand colors, Dodo, managed to dance over every boundary, painting her life blue. Once and for all.


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINAL CHAPTER POSTED  
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‘Call me back. It’s important.’

The words stared at her from the display of her smartphone, waiting for her to act. Dior wanted her to finally call back after she had been ignoring her best friend’s calls for the past week. Wonhee didn’t feel ready, the wound still felt too fresh and she started hallucinating about a person from ten years ago. She knew she had to distract herself, to make an appointment with her therapist to get some hands-on advice on how to make it disappear. How to make Dodo disappear.

_But you don’t want her to disappear, Wonhee. You want to keep everything around, every single detail. You want to…_

Wonhee wanted to stop existing if Dodo wasn’t near, but it wasn’t a proper course of action. It was her depressive thoughts talking and trying to convince her that there was nothing else left in this world that would make her feel better.

_But there is. There is her. _

_Somewhere. _

_Far away from you._

Everything was blue, her perception, the way she thought, god, even her skin looked bluish from not eating properly for over a week.

_You're doing well. _

The door opened and pulled her out of her thoughts, showing Dior, who looked gorgeous in a beige trench coat and red high-heels. Instead of doing the usual, taking off her shoes and walking into the living room to sit on her favorite chair, Dior walked straight ahead, only stopping when she was a few centimeters away from her.

“It’s enough now,” she murmured and pulled her into an embrace so tight that she could barely inhale.

“What’s enough?” Wonhee pressed out, reaching out and holding onto the expensive fabric of Dior’s coat, fingers grasping it involuntarily.

“You’ve been hurt enough, Wonhee. At this point I’m thinking that you only know how to be hurt. Did you talk to her?” Her best friend didn’t make any sense. Why the sudden intimacy even though they had agreed to stay away from vulnerable topics and give each other some space as they both liked to suffer alone? Who did Wonhee have to talk to? It was confusing.

“I haven't gone to the cafe yet. It’s in two hours. What do you mean? Did something happen?”

“Bullshit. You know exactly that I mean Dodo. I know that she went to the museum. Did you not talk yet? You need to, Wonhee. You need to figure this out and I’m afraid that this time it’s more complicated than ever because both of you are a fucking mess. I told her already, but she only knows how to be lonely. She doesn’t understand anything you tell her about love and needing her and you are not honest either. Wonhee, you need to stop being hurt. You need to open up and let others see the pain that you are holding inside, let us see it. Do you understand what this does? It makes me think that you don’t need me. That you prefer being alone, all by yourself, strong and confident. It makes Dodo think that you belong, that you don’t need someone like her, someone ‘incomplete’ and someone who is a vulnerable mess of colors. You need to open up to be able to overcome the pain, Wonhee. No-one is going to take your pain away. You will be hurt and alone like this. Don’t. It won’t work out and I don’t know what she will do next. Please.” The beautiful face appeared in her sight, lips pressed together and uneven blink making her remember the first time they met.

_She said that Dodo is here._

“What… what do you mean she is here?” Wonhee felt the carefully collected control slip through her fingers and make them shake around the thick fabric of Dior’s coat. Her eyes jumped from the other woman’s eyes to her lips and back, but she looked serious. Serious and emotional. It was so unlike her.

_Are you hallucinating? Have you lost your mind? _

“I brought her back, Wonhee. She is here. Did you listened to what I told you? Do you understand what I mean? You need to change, Wonhee. You need to start acting differently about your pain. This won’t do.”

_She is here. She wasn’t a hallucination. It was her, Wonhee. It…_

Her legs gave out and she sunk to the carpet, hands buried in her thighs and chest shaking from the sudden sobs.

“Fuck, what am I supposed to do now? Why is she back? She left, so why would she come back? Why would you bring her back, if there is nothing that she cherishes and loves enough to stay next to me? What’s the fucking point?” She cried so hard that the words were more choked out instead of spoken, nose running and air unwilling to enter her lungs without extra effort and more sounds that she didn’t know she could make.

Her best friend stared at first, probably shaken by the unusual sight. She thought of standing up and inhaling sharply to stop crying, but her body didn’t let her, staying on the floor and sobbing like the personification of pure devastation. A few seconds later, Dior was on the floor next to her, hugging her waist and wiping the liquid from her skin with her expensive Burberry coat. It was ridiculous. She shouldn’t have come to see her like this. Instead they could have kept the nice distance without getting too involved and sad about something that was unchangeable.

_Your pain is unchangeable._

“She’s back because things changed for her and I gave her regret a plane ticket. She still hates herself and still thinks the same way, but I think this time she can’t come to terms with it. Just like you can’t. Dodo thinks you don’t trust her. She thinks you only want the colors, so she left them around your bed and took the next plane. Why can’t you love instead of hiding behind the walls of pain and loneliness that you built yourself? Why can’t you see that your pain is similar, and you can share it, open up, be as close as humanly possible and feel safe like that? I didn’t know that I would ever say something like this, but you need to learn how to love, Wonhee. That’s not it.”

She sobbed so hard that no words came out, there was only her messed up makeup, a cave full of regret and the blue that faded out the more she cried. The pain was so strong, overwhelming and devastating, that she suddenly remembered how her lover painted everything black. That was it.

_You’re the same. You and Dodo are the same._

Gasping for air, Wonhee stood up and let Dior take her to the bathroom to wash her face and maybe finally stop crying, be able to talk, to say all those things she was thinking.

“I’m so sorry that you had to see me like this,” she sobbed and let the cold water wash away her mascara and powder, feeling how good the coolness felt against her swollen eyes.

“I think you always had something ethereal to you, something aloof that prevented me from coming closer. It might sound weird, but I was often scared that you would see that I’m a human too and be disgusted, but after seeing you like this I can finally say that you are such a beautiful human, Wonhee. You are human and it’s beautiful. Now you only have to meet the human that doesn’t want to be one and try to figure out what you both want. She was at the museum a while ago, but I don’t know where she is now. She’s unpredictable, but you know that better than anyone, right?” Dior smiled and wiped her face with a white towel so tenderly, as if she didn’t look like a bloated pig.

_What are you supposed to do now?_

Dior said that Dodo was around, somewhere.

“I need to find her,” she whispered and abandoned doing her makeup anew. Slipping into flat boots, Wonhee grabbed her bag and left the apartment, seeing from the corner of her eye that her best friend was smiling.

“I love you, Dior. Thank you,” she said over her shoulder before the door closed and she ran down the stairs like a crazy person.

_

After searching for one hour and driving around two London neighborhoods that had nice walls and ‘stories’ to tell, Wonhee had to give up, driving to the blue cafe where she was about to attend the usual meet-up.

Her mood didn’t fit at all, but she didn’t need to talk, so maybe it was alright. Walking in and hugging a few of the familiar faces, smile in place, she glanced towards a table at the window where she spotted a tall figure with long brown hair that covered the other woman’s shoulders, a white blouse with a black skirt and neon-green socks. The Dodo from ten years ago, the Dodo who owned every single emotion in her chest sat on the blue-painted chair and stared at her, big eyes so full of color. How did she do that? How could she be like that? Like a palette exploding no matter where and when their eyes met. No matter what happened to her.

Inhaling sharply, Wonhee abandoned whoever she was talking to and walked towards the beautiful woman who looked hesitant but at the same time so full of determination. She didn’t know what she was going to do, she had no thoughts inside her mind that told her what came next. She stopped and sank down to her knees, wrapping her fingers around Dodo’s legs and placed her cheek on one of the bony knees. Dodo was cold.

It didn’t matter that people were watching or that she felt her chest constricting and her lungs stop breathing, the only thing that mattered was that Dodo was back, that she had that chance she missed so much during the past ten years. Dodo came back and gave her the chance to change something.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you so much.”

***

The bright green knee-highs travelled down her long legs as Dodo wandered through the Tate, wondering if people were ignoring her appearance for once or whether they couldn't see her because she didn't belong.

_It's probably the second, you are like a ghost now._

The green socks were the first thing she had bought after leaving the plane, along with a black pencil skirt and a white blouse that accented her shoulders prettily. All three items weren't expensive or of good quality, but they made her feel closer to the person she was before, to the person that Wonhee had been yearning for all those years.

She still remembered the message she had wanted to send with the outfit, talking of freedom and finally escaping the confinement Stockholm had put her in. 'Schoolgirl escaping over the green grass' she had thought back then, without anticipating how wrong it was. She had escaped but opposed to her expectations the grass wasn't greener on the other side and her socks didn't help her to blend in any better than they had before.

_Maybe she will take you back, even without colors if you look like you're the Dodo from back then._

She had left her colors behind, painting them around the black-haired woman's bed, but maybe there was still something there that Wonhee cherished. Even if she didn't fit in, maybe she could at least be close, keep herself from losing her mind and being useless because there was nothing she could paint anymore, nothing of value.

_You're just a shell and all these stories were perpetuated by somebody else._

Dior had told her that Wonhee was the only person that cherished her independent of her abilities, but it was so difficult to believe. After all, the black-haired woman had always called her the brightest palette, the most diverse colors she had ever seen. What was left if all of it was gone, painted on wooden floors and stepped on by people who didn't care?

Dodo observed the lines she had painted, the pain she expressed with each brush stroke that still managed to bury itself inside her chest and hurt. The work of art was personal, so personal that she couldn't bear looking at it for too long.

Right when she turned away to compose herself, she saw her. Wonhee was standing at the top of the stairs, looking right at her with tear-filled eyes. It reminded Dodo of the time she had been painting and hating herself until the beautiful woman suddenly yelled a confession at the top of her lungs, warming her from the inside.

It was naive, but she waited, mentally begging for something to happen, for the words of love that had left those curved lips to pass over them again. She observed, chest constricting as Wonhee stared right at her, without a doubt. But instead of calling out for her, the familiar silhouette inhaled sharply and turned around, as if she was too much to bear.

It hurt.

It hurt so much that she wanted to run and cover herself in paint, pretend to be somebody else instead of naively believing that the schoolgirl could come running back over the grass, the same way she had left.

_You can't break the hurt, you're not good enough for that._

The thoughts poisoned her and had she been the Dodo from before, the one that didn't know intimacy and lived for telling other people's stories, she might have taken the first plane back.

_But you're not._

She was a shell now, one that couldn't paint to feel better because it was only going to hurt more and one that still didn't belong, even after coming back and trying to bring the colors she abandoned back to the surface. It didn't matter if it was only them that Wonhee wanted, Dodo was willing to do anything if only it meant that her childhood friend would look at her again, hold her hand for a moment and whisper at her that it was going to be okay, that they were going to be okay.

Tears ran down her face, but it wasn't even worth noting, not next to all the women standing around what she had created and feeling a similar kind of pain.

They were sharing some of the experiences, the curse of silence and enduring without a word, but for her there was even more. Along with the art that she produced, she might have lost the only thing that Wonhee cherished in her.

_

Her sock-clad feet, hidden in the sneakers that Wonhee had gifted her, continuously moved forward without a real aim. She didn't know where she was going or where she had to go. There was no story to tell, no surface to cover, no emotion that she was able to express with her fading abilities and no action that could have buried the loneliness.

Dodo was like a ghost, wandering through the streets of London while not being a part of it. She hadn't even painted the sneakers yet, leaving them snow-white because it felt like there was space for paint still if only she tried hard enough. Maybe she only had to look for it, to follow the paths she had taken and decisions she had made to return to the brightness that Wonhee adored so much.

_But she's the only one who could see it, who could grasp it and pull it to the surface._

She had cried enough tears to merely feel burning without warm liquid, reminding her how helpless she was on her own. Wonhee was the only one who had been able to see her value, so if not, even her lover was able to see, what could be the point?

Her eyes passed over tense faces and fake smiles, wondering how many of the people that walked by were genuinely happy and how many felt like a mere shell, just like her. A familiar cafe caught her attention and she examined the sign until she remembered the meeting Wonhee had taken her to back then. A place where women were able to exchange their experiences and open up, talk about what nobody dared to talk about.

_That is also something she was able to teach you. _

Her feet led her inside all on their own. She glanced around in the hopes of meeting familiar black eyes but gave up quickly. Dodo sat down at a table in the corner and observed the pretty china and her green legs. It was bright, but it didn't feel the way she wanted it to. The sight should have been calming, but instead she only remembered tears and regret along with the knowledge that she was at fault for leaving again.

Why couldn't she belong like everybody else? Why couldn't she feel at home instead of causing the person she loves pain?

A warm palm landed on her shoulder and forced her to look up, meeting the affectionate face of one of the women she had seen at the meeting back then.

"It's nice that you decided to come, thank you," the soft voice remarked before the other woman returned to her spot at a bigger table. She didn't pressure Dodo to join and merely acknowledged her presence, nodding once more before returning her attention to the other visitors who had arrived.

_They are meeting, Wonhee might be with them._

Her heart seemed to jump in her chest, anticipation mixing with crippling fear of rejection. Dodo didn't know what she would do if Wonhee turned away again. There was no point in existing then, to continue breathing as a human because not even her art was left to bear the burden. There was nothing except for the emptiness and the selfish desire that Wonhee would accept her just like this, a wreck without colors.

Time seemed to stand still when the front door of the cafe opened and revealed the same black eyes and curved lips that she knew so well. Wonhee looked like she did in Dodo's memories, natural with a few freckles that weren't covered by makeup and eyes that found hers in a matter of seconds. She couldn't breathe, not while the eye contact remained, and she knew that Wonhee could turn away, disappear through the door she came through just like Dodo had dared to leave her two times.

_How can you stop her hurt if you're the one who caused it in the first place? _

Her hands jerked, but time kept standing still, as if there was only the two of them, breathing in slowly and struggling to decide what was going to happen.

Suddenly Wonhee broke the stupor and moved towards her. The black-haired woman sank to the floor and wrapped her arms around her green knees, head resting on top of her lap.

Dodo felt breathless, overwhelmed because it seemed like she existed, like her return wasn't meaningless and there was still a hint of something inside her, something of value.

Wonhee was thanking her, voice familiar enough to hurt again. It reminded Dodo of her own dysfunctionality, of the fact that despite her return she couldn't become somebody else, somebody that had a place they belonged.

"Why are you thankful?" she asked and brushed her long fingers through black hair, trembling because she couldn't believe it was real, didn't dare to close her eyes in case she was going to wake up again and return to the blackness she knew so well. "This is just a shell."

"Aren't we all? A shell that covers something, anything that we consider not worth showing to anybody." Wonhee didn't move and remained on her lap, fingers stroking over her covered legs.

"I left the colors," she whispered and fought her tears, unable to let go even though she should have given Wonhee the space to decide if she was still worth it.

_Are you being selfish and using her weakness? _

"No," the familiar voice replied as silence stretched between them endlessly. "You left me."

_You did. _

She left because she wasn't able to heal the pain, to undo all the pain she caused. Dodo had been right there, but still it wasn't enough for Wonhee to feel better, to break free from the illusion that there was a place for her.

"Because I don't belong." She hated saying it because her lips trembled whenever she did. Dodo detested being emotional, becoming unable to communicate her thoughts and turning weak. "You valued my colors and I left them with you. I thought there would be nothing left to miss."

"I valued you. I love you and not some metaphor I use to describe how special you are to me. I don't belong either, Dodo. I don't think any of us do." Lifting her head, Wonhee looked at her with tear filled eyes, slightly swollen and making her look so much younger. As if no time has passed. "Thank you so much for coming back. I need you, Dodo."

She swallowed, blinking because tears blurred her vision. Wonhee made it seem so easy, like having her next to her was sufficient for everything to be okay.

_But don't you feel the same?_

Dodo missed her. She missed her so much, that whatever she had done the past ten years to forget what she let go of, it didn't work anymore.

"I need you too," she breathed out and inhaled sharply through her nose, scared that her composure would break, that she might turn into a sobbing mess on the floor. One that not even Wonhee would be able to put back together. "I'm so fucking alone without you, Wonhee. I just want to die when you're not next to me."

"I feel the same. I'm a mess too. I constructed a whole reality to deal with the fact that I can't deal…" Biting down on her bottom lip, Wonhee took her hand, staring at it before lifting it to her mouth and placing a kiss, soft like a feather on top of it.

She didn't say anything, merely observing the intimate gesture and watching the way her shoulders shook.

"Can I… can I stay?" Her voice was no more than a whisper, black sea travelling from the pit of her stomach upwards. There was nothing left for her if Wonhee didn't want to be next to her anymore.

"Let's figure this out. Let's find out what we need to be happy. I just know that I need you, but it's never that easy, is it?" The black-haired woman stood up and pulled her up as well.

Dodo shook her head and slipped her fingers between Wonhee's delicate ones, enjoying how warm they felt despite the cold weather outside. She hadn't even felt it despite not wearing a coat.

Glancing around she suddenly realized all these details, people talking or wrapping scarves around their necks because they were about to leave. Time passed but somehow it hadn't for her, not until Wonhee finally wrapped her arms around her and pulled her along.

_She's the only one who can bring them back, even if you can't take her pain._

"Somehow you are always enough," she whispered, realizing that whatever was happening with her, her childhood friend had the power to get through and grasp whatever was inside of her and pull it to the surface. "Would you… paint something for me?"

Dodo had lost her ability to create anything of value. All works of art that she left on walls were immediately covered by a bucket of red or black, whatever she had been able to find. All of it screamed about her pain, but she should have been the one screaming, not her art. The stories were hers, but no matter how often she told them, the colors remained gone and the blackness stayed.

But she knew that Wonhee was the only one who could change it. Lifting up her bag and removing a small set of watercolor paints, she dipped a brush inside a bright yellow and handed it to the woman next to her.

"Do you feel as if I need to?" Wonhee asked, but still took the brush, black eyes not leaving hers. "Maybe we should start from zero…"

"What do you mean?" She breathed in deeply and wondered what the few dots of paint were going to change. Of course, it had been her way of covering the black, lying to herself that it made a difference. But it seemed different when Wonhee did it, like the other woman's hands had a power that hers didn't possess. "I feel like it's the truth if you paint the colors for me. Like you show me what you can see instead of what you wish was there."

"But won't I confirm it then? That you're only valued if you're colorful?"

_But isn't that the truth?_

"What's the point of my existence if there are no colors? Do you like my shell?" She clenched her fists and sucked her lips into her mouth, ignoring the stares that other cafe patrons were giving them. "You keep saying that you see something that I don't. I want to be able to see it too, to know that it's really there. There must be something about me that you love, or else you wouldn't care so much. It doesn't matter whether I call it colors or not."

"I care so much because I love you. Because I feel as if you're the only person I belong with. You're everything I'm not. You paint your inner world so easily, showing your pain and devastation while I keep giving subtle hints, using metaphors and silently hope that somebody understands, when nobody can because it's not the right way." Wonhee smiled briefly and put the brush on the table. "I don't have the skills to paint the brightness that you are. It's not humanly possible, but I can feel it and I can see it. You will have to believe me." The black-haired woman grasped her fingers and pulled her closer. "Come with me. Help me erase the misunderstandings and paint everything anew. We know each other but we also don't. I still don't know what you need to stay."

"You," she replied because it felt like the truth. Even though she still didn't know how to help the black-haired woman and take away her pain, her feelings weren't comparable. When she had been on her own, painting in Kuala Lumpur and regretting her choices, not even once had she felt at ease merely because somebody was next to her. Wonhee had that power, like a soft palm that was placed on her lower back to let her know that she wasn't alone. "I want to belong with you so badly, Wonhee. But I can see that I don't fit in. You still have everything else around you, but I'm like a ghost wandering through the streets. Is it enough that I feel like I belong when we are alone, when you hold my hand? I just went mad when you left, so what if it happens again?"

"That's what I mean, Dodo. You need something different than I do. For me, I have all those things around me but only need you, and you have me while needing different surroundings. I have never opened up and showed you how terribly lonely I feel because I didn't want to make you feel bad, but I need to. I want to. I just don't know how." Wonhee walked out and brought her along, stopping when they were outside of the building, alone.

_But it's not quite lonely next to her, is it? _

"But how can you feel lonely if you have all those people around you? Dior, a project you established all by yourself, the women you help? There are so many things you achieved and I'm so proud of you, Wonhee. I merely feel like I'm nothing in comparison, I bleach out next to you." She kept holding on to the small hand, scared of letting go and suddenly realized how cold the wind was against her naked thighs. "I hoped that the schoolgirl could come back to you the same way she left, but there is so much time between us that she's not sure how to catch up."

"I don't even know how to explain it. It has always been like that, I did what was expected of me only because I had you to make everything bearable. Then you went away, and I looked at the void you left, it’s when I realized how important you were, how crucial for the way I thought and felt. Right now, … I don't even know anymore, because I got used to being hurt, to feeling lonely and incomplete. Of course, I have Dior and I have people around, but being in a crowd doesn't make you feel taken care of, does it? On the contrary. Seeing everybody around me makes me feel how lonely I am. Nobody really knows me, but I don't know how to fight it. Dior said to open up, but at this point I'm not even sure if there is anything of value inside. Do you even want to see it, Dodo?" Wrapping her short fingers around her blouse, Wonhee placed her forehead on her shoulder, inhaling sharply. "I only know that I need you. I need you to breathe, I can't be without you. Please give us some time to figure this out."

At first, she didn't know what to say, but the longer Wonhee spoke the higher the corners of her plump mouth lifted up, smiling even though Dodo had been devastated only a moment ago.

"I think I can help you with that," she whispered and stroked over Wonhee's black hair, enjoying the texture and the familiar weight on her shoulder. "Because I can't see anybody but you."

Lifting her head, the beautiful woman bit on her bottom lip and looked at her with eyes that were full of vulnerability and helplessness. "Then help me. You're the only one I need. Please help me, Dodo."

One of Wonhee's delicate hands cupped her face and the curved lips came closer while the person she had left behind again lifted on her tiptoes and kissed her. The touch was so warm that her whole body heated up despite the cold London wind and the inevitable drops of rain.

"I will," she murmured and cupped the gorgeous, round face of the woman she was in love with.

Maybe she was still going to break, realizing that as soon as Wonhee left her side there was no place for her. But what was the point of leaving if the feeling remained the same, only worse when she wasn't close to her childhood friend.

Their situation was difficult to understand, not something that Dodo had ever prepared herself for. All this time she had been convinced that she needed to fill herself with value and as soon as she realized that it was impossible, she struggled to stop being human and become a work of art instead. But what was she now?

Wonhee made her want to be a human, a warm body and soft smile that could take the other woman's pain away, show her that she wasn't alone because there was nobody else that Dodo's eyes could see. But could she really be one? Wasn't she too incomplete, too rough and inadequate for a society like London?

They had to find a solution for it, but despite being close to the woman she loved, Dodo didn't know if it was possible.

***

Wonhee pulled pink cotton hot pants that she got two for one at H&M over her butt, exchanged her bra for a while t-shirt and waited for Dodo to come out of the shower.

She didn't know how to act and how they were supposed to fix what was broken with both of them. There was no manual how to correct what was wrong with their lives and she had no idea how they could change the consequences they both suffered from for such a long time. Wonhee didn't know any of it, but not doing anything wasn't an option. She needed to do something, to act, no matter how stupid she felt.

_You need to understand what it means. What time did to her. Fuck, you don’t even know for sure what that time did to you._

Wonhee had prepared the same ridiculous outfit for Dodo, the biggest palette of acrylic colors she could find and many many brushes. She wrote down the months of each year they were apart until September 2019, unsure whether her idea would turn into a giant mess or give them both some insight. Her landlord was going to go nuts about the painted wall, but oh well. She kind of missed getting in trouble because of Dodo but most of all she missed Dodo. It still felt unreal and she held herself back from peeking into the bathroom to make sure it was really the brown-haired woman.

She heard wet steps first before the familiar silhouette appeared in the door frame. Dodo seemed hesitant, towel wrapped around her torso even though she rarely bothered and wet hair looking black as it fell on her shoulders and back. The other woman's long legs were still wet as she hadn't bothered to dry them and drops landed on the wooden floor below her.

"What is this?" Dodo asked and leaned against the doorframe, chewing on her cheek. "Do you want me to paint? I'm… not sure that I can."

"Yes and no. You can wear this amazing high school pajama party set that I bought us and we will paint together. On my wall." Wonhee was serious, but she was also so incredibly attracted to the woman that stood in the doorframe. She needed her on so many levels. It was scary. "We will show each other how we spent the time after separating. I will tell you the month and you will try to remember what happened, picking a color and painting a strip under that month with a brush of your choice, make it thick if you remember it well, thin, if it's only a fragment of a memory. I will do the same directly under it."

"What if-" Dodo trailed off and looked at the wall for a moment before focusing on the pajama she had prepared. "What if I don't want to remember, if… it makes me dysfunctional?"

The tall woman let the towel fall to the floor and reached for the shorts, pulling them over her hips without underwear. A glance at the skinny waist and small breasts showed Wonhee that the pitch-black tattoo had changed. Instead of the white scar that ran through the drawing of flowers there were single lines, each in a different color and connecting what shouldn't have been broken in the first place.

"I can't force you, but it's important to me and I think… I think it's also important to you. I'm right here, so you don't have to be alone with this. I am sure that I will cry, I'm feeling it already just thinking about it." Sighing, Wonhee stroked over her own ribs absentmindedly. "I also want to have it back."

Dodo smiled at that and pulled the t-shirt over her head before walking towards her. The brown-haired woman reached for her waist and lifted the plain fabric before pressing a kiss to her faded tattoo.

"We can go together and maybe even add something. So much has changed after all," the low voice whispered before Dodo returned her attention to the wall and the materials she prepared. "I'm not sure if I have any tears left to cry, but maybe it's time to bleed properly, not just a few drops when I allow myself to."

"Let's do this. September 2009," she whispered, took the red and painted a thick line under the month she had written down while waiting for Dodo. It was the month that everything changed for her. One might have wondered why it was red, such a vibrant color. It was because she was bleeding so much, it hurt like a stab and the color was red, like fresh blood.

Dodo nodded and reached for a different brush, medium sized. Dipping it into a bright yellow, she painted half of the line, making it thick, before she washed out the brush and used purple for the second half. The purple line appeared thinner, like the memory was less vibrant.

"It changed after the last night we were together. I pretended to be strong and composed, saying that it was a happy day, until I cried when you decided to go home. It's thick because I remember it so well, even your blouse with the dots and your hair tie."

"It still hurts, it hurts so fucking much," Wonhee whispered and choose bordeaux, painting the few months after in darker and darker shades, like blood that dried but never washed away.

"Why?" Dodo asked, gesturing towards the lines she painted before coloring one month in purple and four in pitch black. The first two black months were thick, but her memories must have become more fragmented with time.

"Because I couldn't deal with your departure. I only cried. I cried before going to uni, I cried in the breaks between lectures, I cried after coming home. My mom was super worried back then and your parents kept asking me where you might be, but all I did was cry so they stopped asking at some point. I couldn't believe that you were gone. Even though the blood wasn't fresh anymore, the wound stayed open and hurt most of the time." A few months followed in a very dark color, before she mixed grey and blue, making some months completely blue and others grey.

Dodo nodded and painted her next month in blood red before adding another one in black. Sometimes a lighter color mixed into it, but it wasn't a pattern.

"For me the red was a changing point. It's when I managed to get away from the guys that captured me shortly after my arrival. After that, I just kept thinking of how to come clean, but it didn't work, and I just ended up accumulating more of that color. It continued for three years." Sighing, the brown-haired woman added black and red lines to fill the timeline, blurring the transitions. "It continued until I decided that I didn't want to be human anymore."

She could feel the deep devastation from Dodo's words but kept her comments for later. She needed to remain focused to remember the way she felt during those years. To paint an accurate picture.

"I see. For me it was mostly the same. Here I met Dior," she muttered and painted a green strip before mixing it into yellow and brown. Her months always had some of the green or brown in the grey stripes, but the blue ones always remained clear. "I think my blue is like your black. Nothing could ever mix into it because it stayed deep inside me, unable to get out. Dior and my achievements brightened up my days once in a while, but the nights, the blue thoughts and longing remained unchanged. Me missing you stayed unchanged."

"Like the black sea," Dodo whispered, eyes widening slightly as she turned to look at her. "For me the experiences just kept piling up in black and art was my only escape. But even when I painted it was never happy or cheerful, it was about hurt or to deal with my emotions. Only thoughts of you cheered me up, imagining how you might be living and how amazing it was for you. I was delusional, but I didn't know."

"You're the yellow." She pointed at the tiny bits in the grey over the years. "It was when I achieved something and took out the photograph and thought of you. Imagined how happy you must be that you left. I cried. Of course, I did, but imagining that you left to be happy cheered me up somehow." Sniffling quietly because the tears didn't wait for her to finish, Wonhee slowly worked herself to July 2019. To the time they met again. She didn't know how she was supposed to show it, but in her mind, it felt blood red, flowing into a palette that she needed to show somehow. She could still remember how the other woman exploded in a thousand colors, just standing in that restaurant and looking at her. Fuck.

Dodo reached out to stroke over her cheek suddenly and kissed the shell of her ear before gesturing at her timeline.

"For me you are also yellow. I only allowed myself thoughts of you when I feared death or doubted my sanity. Whenever I remembered how you whispered into my ear that it was going to be okay, I felt better somehow, no matter what situation I was in. When I became LiFa, the years merely became empty, a routine to bleed black, but never get rid of it." Big hands moved the brush expertly to fill out the years until their meeting, characterized by blackness and nothing. There was no diversity at all, as if Dodo had stopped thinking and merely existed during that time.

Suddenly the thick brush was dipped into a bright orange before the woman next to her added a vibrant red to it.

"Happiness with a cut, because something broke in me. Suddenly I wasn't okay anymore."

"You weren't before either," Wonhee whispered and pointed at the blackness. "But I guess it was similar for me. I started crying so much again." She painted half of July and August dark blue.

"Before I didn't feel much, so it was okay somehow. If there is nothing, there is also no pain. Seeing you reminded me how much I actually wanted to be next to you, to return but didn't dare to. You easily cut through whatever I created as a defense and in the end, I couldn't be without you anymore. Being close to you made me happy, but as soon as we weren't I was losing my mind." Dodo accompanied her words with colors, showing how the blackness turned into bright yellow, followed by red and bright yellow again. A mixture of happiness and pain.

"We are so similar." Another red line, black, more blue and a bright white stroke ended her journey and she sat on the floor, staring at the painted wall, colorful piano keys imitating the sound of the past ten years, more minor than major with a short and bright ending and a white line cutting everything off. "Do you know why I use blue? Why my lights are blue?"

"It was your favorite color back then, but please tell me," Dodo murmured in reply and wrapped her arms around her after finishing her timeline, one black line longer than the others after she left for the second time. The brightness at the end of the journey they had in common, a light blue, almost white for the woman next to her instead of a simple white.

"It still is. Blue. It's comforting. What I mean is that even while I was longing for you and hurt because you weren't here with me, even though you disappeared from my life, you still somehow remained my comfort. You still did something for me, Dodo. I can only be if you're here with me," Wonhee whispered barely audibly and slapped her palms against her face just in time to cover the sob that left her lips.

Dodo didn't speak and even though warm arms were wrapped around her, the other woman didn't move, holding her breath as if she was fighting something. Warm liquid soaked into her shirt as the only sign that Dodo was crying, silently bearing thoughts that she needed more time to share.

"I-" the brown-haired woman gasped and closed her eyes. "I think that if I hadn't met you back then, I- might not be here anymore, Wonhee. I realized when I left again. I was so fucking close- even though I thought I couldn't because I need art. I need you more than art."

"But look at this. It's essentially the same. We're the same. Nothing without each other and a bunch of colors when we're together. I told you before that I still see you as the most beautiful palette I've ever seen, but it's just me. You tell me I'm not colorless, but it's your impression. I think you and me… I don't even know, Dodo. The only thing that I know is that I can't let you go. I can't be without you. Stay. Stay with me, I'll do anything to make you happy, I swear." Wonhee held onto the slim waist and sobbed like a baby, hoping that the only person that made her feel like a galaxy would agree to stay. To give her a little more time.

Dodo hugged back, embracing her as tightly as the thin woman was able to, chests flush against each other and arms wrapped around her shoulders.

"I can't leave, Wonhee. Not anymore."

She nodded furiously, feeling the words so close to her chest and opened her eyes, looking at the painted wall through her tears. She couldn't recognize every single line as the colors were blurred, but she could see that the pattern was the same, that the colors were similar and that they felt the same about each other and that was the only thing that mattered.

***

_The colors are only there when you're together._

Dodo observed the single lines and the way they blurred through the tears in her eyes. Had she not left, there might have been a rainbow, brighter than she was able to paint it.

_That's what she wanted to show you, isn't it?_

The ten years that they were apart seemed like a curse on the timeline, a bunch of dark colors that were only occasionally interrupted by a hint of yellow, a single drop that might have been accidental, a remnant of a previous color on an old brush.

_But Wonhee is so much more than that, she's the source of it, of the colors._

Her fingers stroked over the other woman's black hair, the fabric of the shirt she was wearing and the soft body that was hidden by shorts and never close enough. Tightening her arms around the narrow shoulders, she kissed the top of Wonhee's head and hoped that she was able to make it better. The familiar scent that entered her nose was calming, like a mixture of the past and a recent memory.

Dodo knew that she couldn't leave, not anymore. She had left once, suffering the consequences while holding onto the fractured belief that Wonhee was better without her. The second time she left her hope had been that nothing remained that Wonhee might have missed, no colors and no Dodo.

_But you can't believe it anymore. How could you if the painting in front of you shows that you need each other?_

"I can't be on my own anymore," she whispered and swallowed down the tears to be the strong one, the one that could hold the woman in her arms and give her the support that she needed.

_You belong when you are next to her because she needs you._

"I tried to paint, but everything my hands produced was intimacy, Wonhee. My hands kept showing me what I ran away from. I don't want to run from it anymore, I'll stop existing."

She didn't want to think about it because it was the reason for giving up on fighting the black, for becoming somebody else, but there was no alternative next to Wonhee. She wanted to be Dodo and for that she had to acknowledge her thoughts.

"I think I know what you mean. You make me feel all kinds of things and the intimacy that I feel we have is so special. I have… I have never met anybody like you before and I'm not sure that I've ever felt this way after you left. I really don't like people saying things like that because one gets over the deepest feelings over time, but I must not be able to." Wonhee's right hand lifted and traced her jaw and lips, black eyes looking at her as if she was the most precious person to exist on earth.

_Do you look the same when you look at her? _

Dodo really hoped that she did, that the tears in her eyes didn't hide the fact that Wonhee mattered the most to her. It wasn't even about not coming close to others, that couldn't be it. She had met others who were affectionate with her and attempted to get through to her, but it had never been enough.

_It's never enough because she's not only in front of you, she's also in your head and fights off the sea in the pit of your stomach._

"Thank you for showing me, for making me paint this," she murmured and held her breath for a few moments. "I left to search for colors, only to return to where you are. I feel so stupid for doing this to you. Dior told me it's in my head, something that I need to work on."

“I was lucky because there were people next to me who taught me to love myself, but still there was this little devil on my shoulder telling me that I have never been enough for you. Despite feeling like this, I want you, Dodo. You are infiltrating my thoughts, my mood, I imagine your hands when I touch myself and I imagine your face when I come back into my empty apartment. It’s always you for me.” The black-haired woman leaned back, spreading her legs and sitting across from her, soft fingertips caressing her knee.

"I haven't felt pleasure since you touched me." Her voice sounded breathy as she spoke, probably because she hadn't been aware of it herself. As soon as she left there didn't seem to be a point in being close, in being next to anybody if it wasn't intimate. She detested her own decisions and thought about how to be on her own, to let the black sea take over now that there was nothing left, no Wonhee and no art.

_But you're back now. What are you supposed to do?_

Dodo didn't know anything apart from needing Wonhee. Even though the colors were only there when the two of them were together, she still didn't know how to take her lover's pain away and be the person she needed the most.

“Dior told me that she thinks we both need to learn how to love and I thought about it. I think she is right. I think we have to start with acceptance, because how will you believe me that I love you if you don’t see anything in yourself that you consider loveable. I could talk to you for hours about how beautiful and amazing you are, but maybe… I can show you how you can make me feel?” Wonhee looked hesitant as a hint of blush spread across her pale cheeks that seemed almost white only a few seconds ago.

The sight reminded her of her shy high school friend, always unsure when it came to her and what happened between them.

"I'd love to see it," she replied with a smile and leaned in to kiss those curved lips for a few seconds. Seeing that she wasn't the only one who wasn't sure about what was right calmed her down. Both of them had to learn and they could learn it together, the way they had back then.

The black-haired woman stood up and started undressing slowly, few sun rays reflecting so well on her pale skin and making her look like a sculpture. “Distance is safer when you are not emotionally close, but it’s scary when you are. At the same time, it also means awareness, so I will have to overcome today. Exposing yourself is easier when there is skin on your skin.”

Dodo could immediately feel the truth of those words. Her chest constricted briefly, and she felt the urge to move closer again and follow the black-haired woman. Still, she remained in her spot, shifting on the floor next to the painted wall and observing the way the shorts slipped down Wonhee's pale legs. The other woman was so beautiful, the embodiment of what should be the laws of aesthetics.

"You're breathtaking, Wonhee."

“You think so? I think you are. Could you… undress too?” Sitting on the edge of the bed, her lover’s black eyes slipped along her legs, over her shoulders and neck before they locked gazes.

_Is it the same again? Do your eyes also look like this when they observe her? _

She nodded and lifted up on her knees to pull the shirt over her head, throwing it to the side. Whenever the two of them were naked next to each other, Dodo couldn't help but notice how different their bodies were, how slim she was in comparison and how gorgeously curvy Wonhee's body was. The shorts were next and for a brief moment she disliked the space between her thighs, how much weight she had lost over the few weeks she was gone.

Pulling her lips into her mouth, she ignored her sudden dislike for her body and threw the last bit of fabric to the side. Now that she was kneeling on the floor with nothing to hide her, she suddenly realized what Wonhee meant by distance. It felt different when they stood so far away from each other, when it was about showing oneself, but at the same time everything could be scrutinized.

"It's different when you're not close to me," she commented and stroked over her flat stomach and the tattoo that now included a few of the colors that she associated with Wonhee.

“It is. But isn’t it funny how I’m unsure about myself and my own body when we have distance between us, while I still think that you’re the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever seen.” Smiling smugly, Wonhee curled both hands around her knees and spread her legs, head tilted to the side and looking at her.

"Holy shit," she cursed even though it wasn't quite like her. There was something different to being that close when she was lying next to Wonhee or had her hands on the other woman's body. "You say you are unsure about your own body but open up like this. I feel unsure too, too thin and bony compared to your beautiful curves."

“I open up because I want to show you how you make me feel. You won’t get the right message if I’m trying to hide. You are breathtaking, god.” Inhaling sharply, the other woman stroked over her own legs, playing with her nails that weren’t cut short and leaving tiny red lines on her inner thigh before she brushed over her labia and clit with a feather-like motion of her right hand, bottom lip caught between her teeth.

_She's touching herself, for you to see._

Dodo licked over her lips because they felt dry and averted her gaze for a few seconds, feeling overwhelmed by how private a sight it was. But Wonhee wanted her to see, to observe how she made her feel, so she dared to look again and kept herself from moving closer.

"How can you be so sure that I'm the one making you feel like this if I'm not even touching you?" she whispered and felt her body respond immediately. Warmth pooled in her lap and she contracted her thighs and abdomen a few times to distract herself.

“I wouldn’t touch myself if you weren’t here and if I did, you would be the one on my mind, so there is no difference, is there? You don’t like to watch? Does it seem weird to you? I love how your muscles move when you get aroused, how you try to distract from it, it’s so attractive,” Wonhee breathed out with a smile on her lips, getting bolder with her motions and circled her clit with her index finger, left hand playing with her nipples. “You’re the one who makes me feel like this, Dodo,” the beautiful woman whispered before a gorgeous breathy moan left her curved lips.

Goosebumps spread over her body from the sounds and she gasped in reply.

"I like to watch," she admitted and let her hands stroke along her own thighs, unable to help it. Her abdomen was burning and with the way Wonhee looked at her she could probably tell. "It's just that I never touch myself. It's- new to see someone else do it. You arouse me."

“But touching yourself means acknowledging and learning about your own desires, about your body and how it’s connected to your thoughts. It’s crucial to understand yourself. I know how much I want you as my hands help me explore how much you arouse me, it shows me that it’s just a little addition to how I respond to you and your body. The way you move, how you look at me, your glances every now and then… Everything is so erotic about you.” Wonhee moaned again, eyes half lidded and pinching her nipple lightly.

Dodo couldn't help but desire those hands to be hers, her own fingers that played with Wonhee's round breasts and pulled moans from her lips.

"I was never able to. My mind was never able to relax and focus on the pleasure, even when I wanted it to," she replied and moved a little closer, just a few centimeters but enough to feel her heart skip a beat.

“Then don’t think. Breathe and accept the way watching me makes you feel, how it pulls at your body and how your body wants you to love it.” Slipping her hand lower, Wonhee circled her entrance and slipped a finger inside her, hissing with her head thrown back before dark, half-lidded eyes returned, roaming over her body with a boldness she hadn’t seen before because there had never been this much distance between them.

Her teeth pulled her bottom lip onto her mouth and chewed on it as she shifted in place, feeling the need for friction, to slip her own hand between her legs while she observed the way Wonhee pleasured herself. Her breaths sounded so loud in her ears, even louder than the moans that only fueled the wetness between her legs.

"You drive me mad," she gasped and scratched over her thighs, leaving lines and spreading her legs a little.

“Fuck, I want to breathe your scent. I want to taste it and to feel you under and on my skin. You’re making me feel so many things at once, Dodo.” Spreading her legs further, Wonhee used her wrist to stimulate her clit as she added another finger and moaned so attractively, blush covering her chest neck and cheeks. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” the other woman whispered, catching her gaze and breathing out her name embraced in a moan.

Her hands were burning to act, to reach out and touch the other woman, to make her moan her name. But she couldn't, not with the distance they were supposed to keep while observing each other. It was different but still intimate. Dodo had never seen anybody open up like this, showing how much pleasure they were feeling because of thinking about her and seeing her. She wanted to feel the same about Wonhee, to show her that her body was burning too, reacting and begging to be touched.

Moaning softly from the fiction that her thighs provided, she changed her position and stretched out her legs while sitting down on the wooden floor. All the works of art that she had left in Wonhee's bedroom were still there, surrounding her as she imagined herself to be another one of them, visible and ready for the gorgeous woman to observe.

"You make me want to touch too," she murmured, but didn't tell Wonhee that she meant both; herself and the pale skin in front of her eyes. Leaning back on one arm, she spread her legs wide and tried to ignore the short moment of embarrassment during which she was concerned about her own wetness, about it being too much.

_But she enjoys it, she said that she likes the way you react to her._

“Your body…” Wonhee started, breathing roughly and slowing down the movements of her wrist while talking. “Your body deserves to be loved like this. Nobody has the connection that you have with it and nobody knows better what it needs. It seems as if it wants to be touched.” Gasping for air, the pale figure slipped from the bed and leaned her back against it. Wonhee spread her legs again, continued stroking over her breasts and stimulated her clit with circular motions of her wrist, beautiful moans filling the distance between them.

Dodo didn't know why it seemed so difficult for her. Pleasuring oneself was supposed to come naturally, a private moment that she was able to share with herself, but still she hesitated. Her hand was slow as it moved from her thighs upwards to her breasts, cupping the right one and massaging over the top towards the nipple. It felt good, so she moaned softly, but at the same time it reminded her of having to do it for show and for somebody else.

_But right now, you're not doing it for somebody else. You're doing it because watching her makes you want to touch yourself._

"But you always seemed to know so well how to touch me," she breathed out and rolled her nipple between thumb and index finger before finally slipping down between her legs. The sensation was instant, body contracting because of how sensitive she was from all the waiting. She couldn't remember ever feeling this much when she touched herself. "How… am I supposed to know what I need when others have discovered it for me?"

“They might be wrong. And you don’t have to know. That’s why if you have desires, your body will show you what you want, how you want your fingers to move, where to touch and how much pressure to apply. Your hands will know best. I’m not saying you’re supposed to orgasm. It’s about feeling one with your body, understanding what it likes and loving it.” Wonhee removed her fingers from her body and circled her swollen clit with the lubricated digits, softly moaning while looking at her. “And I am loving my body because it reacts to you and it wants you and I am giving in and showing you how much I want you.”

_You should show her too._

She nodded softly, feeling like additional words were only going to make her hesitate again. She didn't want to be distracted from the yearning she felt, the desire to be close to the other woman and show her how her body responded to everything she was showing her.

Dodo closed her eyes for a brief moment and slipped two fingers inside herself, not meeting much resistance. It felt just right to have stimulation against her clit, so she used her thumb to rub over it. The mixture felt so good that she moaned and opened her eyes again, meeting Wonhee's black ones. Her thighs flexed from the sensation and she understood what the other woman meant. That there was no real question about what she had to do because her hands did it all by themselves, stimulating where it felt especially good. Maybe that was what pressured her, the thought that she had to orgasm in order to forget.

_But you don't want to forget, you want to feel and show her. _

The other woman didn't say anything, but her breaths got quicker and less regular, beautiful moans that were nothing like the dark colors on the white wall spilling from her curved mouth. Wonhee did her best to keep looking at her, but at some point, it wasn't possible anymore and she rubbed her head against the thick white blanket that hung from the bed, eyes closed and thighs contracting in response to the stimulation between her legs.

The sight was mesmerizing, and Dodo couldn't look away, feeling her own arousal increase just like the motion of her fingers inside of her and the regular circles of her thumb. Instead of breathing she began to keep holding her breath, as if air distracted her from the sensation and she needed to focus on it, to feel how Wonhee's pleasure made her want to fuel her own.

There were only their irregular breaths and soft moans when Wonhee repeated her name like a mantra as she orgasmed, thighs shaking, and head thrown back. Dodo couldn't look away, even though her own fingers didn't stop moving and kept pulling moan after moan from her lips.

Sitting several meters away from the woman she loved showed her so many things. Before she had only seen Wonhee's expression and felt the way her body contracted against her tongue, but now there was so much more. She saw the flexing of Wonhee's stomach, the shaking of her thighs, the way her toes curled, and her nipples hardened, skin pulling together on her full breasts.

"I want you so much," she gasped and spread her legs wider as the urgency with which her hand moved increased and she slipped a third finger inside of herself.

"I want you too. I feel like breathing you right now," Wonhee whispered, still circling her clit and black eyes looking at her with so much affection and arousal that it was hard to believe.

Dodo wanted her to do exactly that, to come closer and wrap her arms around her as their lips met. But she didn't, because she wanted to show the black-haired woman how much she felt. She wanted to show that even though she hadn't been able to concentrate on her own pleasure before, looking at Wonhee and recognizing the yearning she felt as arousal enabled her to let go.

She still didn't know if she was able to orgasm, but it didn't matter. She was touching herself to feel good and to listen to her body and what it told her to do, how it wanted to be touched.

"Do you like how that feels? You look stunning like this. I don't think I can ever forget it." Wonhee licked her lips and stretched out one leg, placing it right next to hers.

The possible contact was so tempting that she couldn't help it, spreading her legs further to let their skin touch, even if just for a brief moment. It resembled an electric shock and stole her breath away, thumb dipping inside her to add moisture to the pleasuring motions. Despite touching herself she felt close, like she could orgasm if only she focused on the sensation between her legs and kept the eye contact. Wonhee was able to make her feel so much, to realize that she hadn't been able to turn off her mind because pleasure hadn't been her goal in the first place.

"I think I'm close," she whispered and fought the urge to shut her eyes and let her body fall to the floor instead of holding herself up with one arm.

"Let go, if that's what your body needs," Wonhee muttered before another moan entered her ears as the other woman was touching herself too.

Holding her breath, she let herself fall to the floor and rubbed her hair over the wood, enjoying how cold it felt against her burning skin. Her free hand was now able to stimulate her nipples and she lifted her legs up to improve the angle with which her digits slipped inside of her. Just when it felt like her high was graspable, only a few breaths away, she squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath. Her focus was on the feeling between her legs while her mind supplied her with images of Wonhee, everything that she considered attractive and yearned for.

White painted her vision and for a brief moment she wondered why bliss was white, such a bright color.

The same one that Wonhee had painted for the moment the two of them allowed their lives to intertwine.

She didn't hear the person lay down next to her, waiting until she came down from her high, but when she turned to the side, she saw the black hair, framing Wonhee's beautiful face. The other woman was looking at her, gaze full of affection and placed her hand on her cheek. Her heart skipped a beat and she only then realized that Wonhee was smiling brightly, just like in her memory that she had drawn on the wooden floors, devastated and wishing to see it again.

The time stood still between them, just the soft exhales were audible in the silence accompanied by the breathtaking smile that Dodo knew was hers.


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unCHANGED came to an end.
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It was the end of September and maybe the beginning of autumn, the rain and slowly faded foliage that covered the grey pavement took their toll on the people’s smiles. It seemed as if this time of the year was harder to bear than any other season.

Two weeks had passed since they lay on the wooden floors and stared at each other, for the first time understanding their different past and embracing the similarities that they discovered in the process, but daily life didn’t seem to be colored by one epiphany-like moment. At least not for a very long time.

Wonhee’s life was the same, meetings, keeping the art in the museum and reviewing new works for the permanent exhibition. Dodo was going around London, sometimes getting in trouble and painting gorgeous pictures on the grey walls of the rainy city. It seemed okay, but deep inside she knew that it wasn’t really. Dodo was smiling when she came back, looking at her with her big brown eyes. There was affection, but the way the tall woman bit down on her bottom lip showed that there was more. More that she hasn’t shared with her gaze and a simple smile.

“Did something happen?” Wonhee asked after taking off her boots and walking into the kitchen to make a hot mint tea for both of them while Dodo expertly lifted her slim body on top of the kitchen counter.

"What should have happened?" A brief smile spread the other woman's lips, but it didn't stay for long, fading away as soon as she turned towards the kettle. "London is always the same."

Wonhee thought about her lover's words and it made sense. It kind of was. Even when she looked at the colorful wall in her bedroom, being in London had always felt similar over the years.

"It indeed is. Does it feel grey?" She put fresh mint into two mugs and poured boiling water from the kettle in both of them. "How does it feel to you?"

"Empty," Dodo replied and shrugged, long legs dangling down from the counter and almost reaching the tiles. Her long hair was put together in a single braid on the side and her thighs were only covered by a short skirt even though it was cold outside.

It felt as if Wonhee had only been waiting for it, otherwise she couldn't explain her lack of surprise. She has been waiting for the moment Dodo would stop smiling and painting over the fact that this city ate her from the inside.

"Does it make you feel empty too?" Blowing cool air at the steam that came from the hot tea, she took a sip and walked to the table across from Dodo, leaning against it.

"Maybe." The brown-haired woman played with her braid and examined her thighs before looking up and smiling at her. "It's better when you come home though."

Wonhee smiled at that, sucking in the nice scent of fresh mint. “That’s nice to hear. I’m not bright enough to make everything shine. I was very self-conscious about that before, but now I know that I don’t need to be. It’s okay if I am not an explosion of colors and I don’t have to be. But I also want you to feel good, so I would like to know where you would rather be right now? Where do you feel like you belong?”

"Huh?" Dodo's smile faded, and the slim woman seemed confused as she wrapped her braid around her index finger absentmindedly. "You don't have to be pressured because of me. I already decided that I'm going to stay. It doesn't really matter where I feel like I belong."

"For whom? For me it matters because I can see how being here drains you. Where would you rather be right now, Dodo?" She knew that her loved one wasn't used to being taken care of, listened to, taken into account and she had met many women like that. Wonhee was used to it, but still it hurt because it wasn't okay.

"Where I'd rather be?" Dodo licked over her lips and chuckled. "Somewhere beautifully broken? London is too perfect for somebody like me, even with its rain and grey streets."

Wonhee smiled because it was true but at the same time it wasn't. Dodo wasn't broken, she was human. "I think you're perfect. You know, there's something I didn't tell you about. First, because I didn't want to look vulnerable in your eyes and then because I forgot about it. I had thought… I had thought I would go and try to find you at some point, so I saved quite a bit of money after I started working. I gave up on that thought a year ago, but I never spent the money. Maybe I can use it now to see the world that you know and find a place where we both belong?"

The other woman's eyes widened as she stopped toying with her braid and jumped down from the counter, watching her intently.

"But why would you give up everything you built here? Don't you have a museum to take care of and a best friend who needs you? There are so many things you have and for me there is nobody and nothing but you, so why would you be the one making sacrifices?" Dodo spoke faster than usual and reached for her cup, curling her long fingers around it as if she wanted it to serve as a distraction from her feelings. "I'm sorry if I seem like I'm unhappy here, but I'm happy next to you."

_She still doesn't understand the concept of having different and valid needs. _

"I do have my best friend and my job, but staying the same for years… I've done that before, Dodo. It didn't make me happy or satisfied. I don't know what I want, but I want to explore it together with you and I want to be there when you feel sad and lonely, to see what kind of colors life has for us when we're together. We both have needs and my need is for you to be happy. I'm not sure how long the money will last, but it should be enough for at least six months if we're going to live comfortably. I really wanted to see all the street art in my journal and I need to see all your work with my own eyes. Touch the colors and feel the surface you painted in them."

"So, it is your choice and not something you are doing for me?" the low voice asked carefully as Dodo moved closer and leaned against the edge of the table while reaching out to stroke over her hair. "I don't want to be the reason for you leaving things behind. I'd rather be the person you want next to you when you do."

Leaning forward, Wonhee placed a kiss on Dodo's forehead, smiling into it as it lasted a few seconds longer than usual. "I don't think it's about being a reason. It's about making decisions and compromising. Why would I be happy if the person I love is not? I told you before, the things around me haven't managed to give me the colors I was missing. Only you are, Dodo. I have travelled before, but all of it seems like a foggy dream to me. I want to see the world and see you existing in it, next to me, exploding in a thousand colors." After she leaned back, Wonhee placed the glass she was holding with her right hand on the table and stroked over the other woman's soft cheek. "So… should we go on a trip?"

Dodo leaned into the touch and let her eyes flutter shut, big palm covering her own.

"Let's go," the brown-haired woman whispered and exhaled softly. "Maybe it's time that I show you the world I lived in."

"I just need about two weeks to settle things, to wrap up, pack and… talk to Dior. Is that okay?" Pulling the slim body closer, Wonhee stroked over the silky hair and felt the adrenaline rush through her veins for so many different reasons.

"You waited ten fucking years for me to return. Of course, I can wait two weeks. I can wait for as long as you need me to," Dodo replied and wrapped her arms around her waist, turning them until she leaned against the edge of the table and the tall woman was able to kiss her lips. There was so much excitement in Dodo's gestures and the smile that conquered her features. "This reminds me of back then. When we just took the car and went somewhere, no matter where."

"You were drunk and irresponsible," Wonhee muttered and laughed because she felt happy suddenly. "But the feeling… I can still remember that. I can still remember loving everything about you. It didn't change. I'm so excited but I'm also scared to hurt Dior."

"Just… don't make the same mistake that I made, pretending that everything is fine and that I'm not hurt about us parting." Dodo's voice changed, and the hug turned tighter, like the other woman was suddenly afraid to let go. "I was the happiest with you and I still am. Thank you for deciding to travel with me, I couldn't bear it without you."

"If you don't feel like you belong, we will search for a place we both belong. As simple as that. We're lucky that we have the funds and that we have the possibility to travel without putting our lives in danger, so let's do it. Maybe we can also paint your sea in a pretty blue instead of the black." Smiling brightly, Wonhee left her worries for later and kissed the thick lips, inhaling the other woman's scent that she loved so much. It was different from what she remembered from back then, but the feelings that she had while breathing it were so similar. Bright, beautiful and unchanged.

_

The door was still white and perfectly clean, no matter how long she stared at it. It also didn't give her any strategies to deal with what was about to come. Just when she finally got her thoughts in order, the white surface disappeared from her sight, replaced by her best friend's suspicious looking face.

"I was ready to fight. Why are you standing in front of my door without coming in? You have a key, or fingers to ring the bell if you lost it. Did you lose it? I need to change the lock." Dior's delicate fingers wrapped around her wrist and the tall woman pulled her into the hallway of her apartment, familiar eyes examining her with curiosity accompanied by an uneven blink.

"I didn't lose it. I need to talk to you, but I'm scared," she murmured, wondering whether it wasn't easier to simply say it all at once and let herself be buried under the consequences. Dior nodded, gaze not leaving her face and walked into her living room, waiting for her to sit in her favorite spot.

_Is that how Dodo felt back then? Knowing that she would hurt you but unable to compromise? _

"Shoot." Her best friend sunk into the comfortable chair, crossing her long legs and brushing her locks to the side. Dior had that serious look on her face. That look when she attempted to act strong but couldn't decide to keep it up or to let herself be vulnerable.

"I'm going to leave for a bit," Wonhee whispered and sighed because of how stupid and untrue that sounded. Why was she such a coward when it was about Dior? Exhaling sharply, she pressed her lips together and looked right into the other woman's brown eyes. "I'm going to resign from the Tate, leave London and travel the globe for half a year at least."

"What?" Dior asked, but it wasn't more than an exhale, a devastating sound followed by emotions, so visible on her beautiful face. Wonhee felt like crying, but who was she to cry if her best friend was the one who had to deal with her selfish bullshit?

_But Dodo said you shouldn't make the same mistake._

"I'm scared too, and I feel terrible not being able to take you along, but I also feel as if it's something I need to do for myself and for Dodo. Do you… do you understand me?"

The gorgeous woman across from her, her best friend and the person she could rely on the most looked devastated, chewing on her cheek and contemplating on what to say. It broke her heart to see Dior like this.

"Will my understanding make you feel better? Will you just take your shit and leave because there's no one who's mad at you for leaving?"

She should've known that Dior wouldn't just let her leave without a fight, without having understood her motives and without showing her how painful her words were.

Inhaling sharply, Wonhee covered her face with both palms. It felt terrible. She felt so fucking terrible.

"No. But I am selfish, Dior. I want your understanding because I love you and I'm just doing something that's completely unlike me all of a sudden, so you must be shocked. She… isn't happy here. She hates this city. I can't let her leave again and I can't watch her deteriorate under this rain and concrete. I don't really care where I am, apart from being next to you. I care about you, that's why I'm here. I love you so much and I don't want to hurt you even though I know that I do, but at the same time you're my best friend, who else am I supposed to talk to about it? I want to send you pictures and call you and I want you to call me when your clients are being assholes even though I understand that not being here physically is terrible. I will always be there for you when you need me, I promise. I won't suddenly forget about you and I want you to visit me too. You… " Wonhee was crying already even though she didn't even manage to finish what she wanted to say.

"I… what?" Dior whispered after a few seconds.

"You told me that you wanted me to be happy."

"I did. But I guess it was the same mistake you made with Dodo back then. I also thought that I would be enough to make you happy." Her best friend's words hurt like a stab in her chest, forcing a sob out of her. Why did she always have to cry alone on that stupid couch instead of the embrace of her best friend? Weren't they supposed to give comfort to each other?

Wiping her tears with the back of her hand, Wonhee stood up and walked around the coffee table, sitting on Dior's lap and burying her face in the white skin of her neck that smelled like her favorite perfume. J'adore.

"I love you, Dior, I don't want you to be hurt but I don't know how not to hurt you," she whispered and leaned back, swallowing another sob.

"The thing is that people who stay always have to bear the burden of not being able to do anything. How could I stop a person that wants to leave? I can't. And I can't go with you either, so there's not much left, you know?" A glance at her best friend showed that she was also crying. So unlike her but at the same time so beautiful.

_You stayed behind once, you know how that feels, Wonhee. Think._

"Do you hate me for doing this?" she asked.

"I hate that you are leaving, but I love you, Wonhee," her best friend replied, tears running down the pale cheeks.

She felt so much pain just from watching as her hands reached out, trying to make it better, to make the woman in her arms feel less devastated and at a loss. She knew how that felt. Wonhee knew and it gave her a perspective on how it must've felt for Dodo to leave her behind.

_You understand her. _

Inhaling sharply and wiping a tear from her best friend's cheek, Wonhee suddenly realized that there was no resentment left anymore. That she had forgiven Dodo for what she had done in the past, removing the bitterness from her thoughts and closing the door to the dark place.

And behind that door, there was an explosion of a thousand colors waiting for her.

***

The roles had shifted. The school girl that had planned on escaping over the green grass towards a better future and a colorful self, had become a grown woman with scars and blackness.

Dodo had continuously hoped that there was either a way to stop being herself or to bring back that schoolgirl, grasp her bright colors and remove everything else.

Now that time has passed, and their roles changed, she wasn't sure if it was still necessary.

Dodo wasn't the one leaving anymore, instead she was accompanied by the woman she loved the most who in turn was devastated about having to leave somebody she cares about.

_But she won't make the same mistakes you made._

Dodo could see it without even trying, the way Wonhee's shoulders slouched a little, how her smile didn't reach her eyes or how she glanced at her phone in the hope of a message. All of it was familiar because she had felt the same way after leaving back then, after cutting off all contact and regretting it every single second that she thought of Wonhee and wanted to tell her about her experiences.

_She's missing her so much._

Wonhee had done a much better job though. She didn't leave somebody with the same pain, and she kept in contact, even if the distance still hurt and the way Wonhee whispered into her phone in the evenings grabbed her heart and squeezed it tightly.

_She's missing her, but she's still staying with you._

The two of them shared everything, their clothes, their exotic food and also their bed. It felt like reliving the things she experienced over the years, but without the black and the hurt. Even if she could see that the woman she loved was in pain, Dodo was still glad that the two of them had left to travel.

Wonhee was the source of her happiness and inspiration, the reason she got up in the mornings and found a new place to paint. No matter the time, the black-haired woman was always next to her, observing the process of her creation and handing her a brush even before she knew that she needed it. Wonhee's eye for detail was fascinating and not only once had it been the other woman who led her into an unfamiliar area of a South African city and gestured towards a hidden gem of artistic expression.

Dodo loved every single moment they were together and even though they moved from one country that she considered imperfect to the next, being with Wonhee didn't make it seem like it was all that broken in the first place. Somehow having a bright smile and pale fingers that intertwined with hers or stroked over her back, turned the same pain and experiences into something different.

Back then she had believed that she needed to leave to become a different person, only to return as a worse human than she left. But the longer she thought about it, the more she had been looking for something else. It wasn't the system that Dodo had tried to leave, she had tried to escape herself only to run right into her own arms and get lost in a forest of her thoughts.

_You shouldn't have abandoned everything back then._

She shouldn't have, but she also couldn't tell what would have happened if the Dodo from back then and the 18-year-old Wonhee had stayed together. Would they still be the same people? Probably not.

Wonhee was using a bottle of water to wash her mud-covered feet as sweat developed on the pale forehead. Dodo had continuously worried about the other woman's sensitive skin, but the time in the sun had barely changed it over the months they had been travelling. Her eyes passed over short shorts and a loose t-shirt, so different from how Wonhee had dressed back in London. It seemed like both of them returned to old habits, be it clothes, trips or the food they enjoyed together.

She deeply appreciated every single moment they shared, only one question she never managed to answer to Wonhee's satisfaction.

_Do you feel like you belong here?_

"Let's go on a road trip," she commented and tied her long hair into a bun. It was too hot for keeping it loose and a few days of watching Wonhee with her short hair had already produced a tingling in her fingertips to cut it all off. Dodo had never really felt like that about her long hair, but somehow, she kept desiring a change, anything to mark whatever was happening between them as they travelled. It was everything but meaningless and words didn't do it any justice. "I want to see you enjoy the wind with closed eyes."

"There's still gas in the jeep so indeed we can. Should I pack the paint?" Smiling brightly, her woman brushed back her bangs and pointed at the backpack with the supplies.

Dodo observed their equipment for a while, contemplating what her goal had been when she exclaimed that they should go on a trip. Wonhee was right with her assumption that it was usually about art and creating something on the way, but somehow, she didn't think that was it this time.

_You want to comfort her, the way she always comforts you._

"No, you can leave it. The two of us should be enough this time." Smiling, she climbed in the driver's seat and patted the space next to her. "Let's look for something gorgeous without creating it ourselves."

"That's literally the story of my life because I'm unable to create, so I keep searching for something gorgeous. I found so many amazing artists and artworks and I found you. Dior found you for me." Sighing quietly, Wonhee turned to the side and looked out of the window as they drove out of the city.

_There it is, the reason you worry about her._

"You miss her a lot, don't you?" she asked quietly and used one hand to stroke over Wonhee's naked thigh in reassurance. "What is it like? Is it different from when you can't contact a person at all, or is the feeling the same?"

"She was like my home for eight years, so it's hard to take the fact that I can't be there for her when she needs me. At least not immediately and I'm not always reachable, so there's a lot of guilt. But I try to share pieces of my life and she shares too, so I think at least we don't feel the pain of rejection. We don't make conclusions that the other person left because you weren't able to provide enough to stay. Dior… She did say something very similar to what I thought when you left, but we talked about it before I boarded the plane and I explained it to her. She had the possibility to think about it and change her impression, I didn't. I lived those years with the belief that I was never enough for you. That hurt a lot." Wonhee brushed over her naked thighs and pulled one leg up, hugging it tightly. "It isn't a compromise if it doesn't hurt I guess."

She hummed, thinking about how she felt and whether constant contact could have changed her opinion.

"I think I created a lot of my beliefs myself. I never really talked about thinking that I was keeping you from being successful, so there was no way to correct those thoughts." Chewing on her cheek, she distracted herself as usual while feeling grateful that it wasn't as hurtful for Wonhee this time. "I'm glad that the two of you talk, even if it still hurts. Would you like to… settle for a bit, so that she can visit?"

They stopped at one of the beautiful cliffs beside the sea and she turned off the engine, turning towards the short woman. Wonhee smiled briefly and unbuckled her belt.

"I asked her, but she said that she would prefer if we settled our problem first. The question where we both belong. I felt completely torn at the beginning and just devastated that I made her sad, but now I think she has become used to it a little and we just miss each other a lot. Independent of that, I'm wondering whether you feel as if you came closer to knowing where you feel most comfortable?"

There it was again, the question she didn't have a real answer to.

"I don't know. I kept thinking that I need to go somewhere that’s imperfect, broken, just like me," she began and wondered why that hadn't worked out. After all there were many places that fit the criteria, places without a strong social support system, without anybody to protect her and with areas that could be considered dangerous enough to lose her life. Wonhee wasn't scared and allowed her to make the choice.

_Maybe you chose differently because she is with you? _

That wasn't quite true though. The two of them had risked trouble more often than once, but somehow the feeling wasn't the same. Dodo didn't feel alone next to Wonhee, but was feeling lonely what resulted in feeling at home?

"I keep going to all these places with you, but somehow they don't seem all that broken next to you. It's just me being happy and not really caring where we are. I can't explain it. Is it supposed to be like this?"

"I'm not sure. I've never travelled with company, so it's new for me too, but somehow it doesn't feel like travelling when I'm with you." Leaving the car, the short woman took off her sandals and glanced up, pointing at the roof of the jeep. "Should we go up? The sight is breathtaking."

Dodo's heart skipped a beat and she nodded as she climbed out of the driver's seat and abandoned her own shoes in the footwell. The whole situation felt like a dream, much like the past few months. She wondered if that was what deja vu felt like, whether it resembled a moment for redemption during which she had all the knowledge she acquired over the time she spent with Wonhee.

"It is," she whispered and used her long legs to easily heave herself on top of the hood and eventually on the roof. It was warmer than she remembered it to be back then, maybe because Sweden couldn't compare with South Africa when it came to the temperature. Her legs were still naked, but there was no colorful spark that caught one's attention. She hadn't added anything because it seemed like Wonhee did it all by herself.

The wall they painted in bright lines in the other woman's apartment hadn't lied about their perception of color. It was more vivid when they were together. Maybe that was the reason for not considering a place with misery broken. Or maybe Dodo stopped the broken and didn't belong with the distraction surrounding her.

_But where do you belong? _

Joining her on the roof, Wonhee leaned back on her arms and threw her head back, black locks tousled by the wind and the sun shining on a few freckles that developed on the beautiful face. The sun was really good for her.

"I don't think there is an answer to that question. I thought that I would miss London, miss my job, but I don't miss any of it. The only thing I really miss is the activism. You can't build anything when you are only staying for a week or two, but I can see the pain, the need and it hurts. And I miss Dior, but that's a different kind of missing. I love watching your art, how you look happy, smiling next to me and I don't want to be without it, but I do ask myself whether you are only happy when on the road."

To be honest, Dodo wasn't sure anymore. She loved travelling and it was important for her to change her surroundings, to see something else. She had always been convinced that she would go mad if she stayed in one place for too long, much like she had stayed in Stockholm for eighteen years.

_But what is it that makes you leave? _

She had thought that she left Stockholm because it was stuck up and not a place she could learn anything, a place where she wasn't able to fill the emptiness surrounding her inner rainbow. South America was a place she was forced to stay in once, beginning with black and ending with her desperate attempts to get rid of it. Her excuse has always been that there were no stories left to tell, but that couldn't be true. Even in London she still has stories to tell, so what was it that had felt so off to her?

"It's confusing to me. I always thought I have to be on the road, but until now I haven't felt the urge to leave the way I always did back then. I thought I left because there were no stories to tell, but what if I just didn't want to tell mine? What if I left whenever it was mine that I had to share on the walls? I finished the work in the Tate and it just felt like- I didn't belong."

Turning around, Wonhee smiled at her, reaching out and caressing her bony knee. "It takes time to stop the silence about what happened to you, your story. It makes you vulnerable but at the same time it's so freeing. I think we are similar here. I never talked about how painful it was to fall in love with you, to lose you, to fight rejection and make myself understand that it wasn't about me. The resentment only disappeared when I understood you. We need to share our stories, or vulnerabilities to be able to create a space of trust, to feel like we belong. That's what I think. But more than anything, I do think that I belong with you, Dodo. I don't think I'm colorless anymore, but you are still the brightest palette I've ever seen, and I feel it every day." Shifting briefly, the black-haired woman chewed on her lips for a few seconds, looking slightly nervous. "Have you been to Madrid before?"

She shook her head while still thinking about Wonhee's words. Was it possible to belong with a person instead of a place? Feel at ease close to a person instead of having a place to call home? Before leaving she had also been with Wonhee and should have felt at ease, but still Dodo left her behind again. Had something been missing then? Something that wasn't gone anymore?

Suddenly she remembered how the two of them were sitting on the roof of her car again and she shared her plans for the first time. She had been so scared back then, purposefully sounding like it was something happy to not be upset about leaving the beautiful girl behind, the only person that supported her art back then. Somehow Dodo wasn't sure whether much had changed since then. Wonhee was still the one who saw the most in her work and Wonhee was still the person she felt the most pain being separated from.

_But you told her that you need stories to tell back then, that there is nothing to say, so you cannot create. You wanted experiences._

She almost laughed at the irony of believing that she needed experiences only to flee whenever she was asked to paint them on a wall.

"I must be so stupid," she murmured and threw her head back, eyes closing to focus on her breaths. "Do you remember when I told you that I don't want to tell city people about the lives of city people? I wanted experiences all this time, but as soon as I get it I freak out and hide like a coward. What the hell am I running away from, Wonhee? I'm sick of it. It just hurts to be away from you, so why should it matter where the fuck I am? I got the experience that I wanted, so why am I not telling people about it?"

"I thought about it." She felt pale arms wrap around her neck, as Wonhee climbed on top of her lap, round eyes attentively looking for something in her facial expressions. "Humans tend to run away from pain. I ran away from the pain of coping with the fact that you were gone and wouldn't come back, pain of rejection, the pain of losing the only person I ever loved, and you… I can't know for sure, but you must've been in so much pain, Dodo. Back then, you must've been so devastated that leaving seemed like the only possible salvation. You tried to run away from the pain that lived inside you, that's why it never worked. I can feel it sometimes. It's not as devastating and dark, but it does show itself occasionally when your gaze becomes empty and you only inhale and exhale because your body forces you to. I'm happy that I can be next to you in those moments, wrap my arms around you and your agony, so that we can share it. You know how to step over my boundaries and I learned how to step over yours."

"I think I've never wanted people to step over them, but you make me feel so fucking safe," she mumbled and felt like cursing again, keeping it in because it was only an attempt to be less emotional. It was okay to be emotional next to Wonhee, to share and talk about her thoughts. Maybe that was the part that had been missing back in London when she left for the second time. She hadn't felt like the black-haired woman was opening up to her, so it seemed meaningless to stay close because there was no point in her existence, not next to the woman she loved.

"Do you- do you need me, Wonhee? Because I need you so much I feel like I'd just drown without you." Her voice was no more than a whisper and she wrapped her arms around Wonhee's shoulders, breathing in the scent of her sunbathed skin and clothes.

"I do. We're like a work of art, you and me. I am a grey wall all by myself, you are the colors that have no shape, but combined we're a breathtaking masterpiece, don't you think?" Smiling brightly, Wonhee stroked over her hair gently.

"I just don't want to feel like dying anymore and somehow being next to you helps. I don't want to keep running, just tell me where you want to go, Wonhee. Let's go there." Her voice was a mess, but those careful fingers were able to return calm and spread the warmth all the way to her insides. "I'm not sure that I can be fully okay, but maybe I don't have to. Maybe it's enough if- if we help each other."

"The truth is that nobody is fully okay. We all struggle and are in pain in one way or another. I'm sorry for being blinded by my own pain and unable to step closer to you. That changed. I don't resent you or anything that happened, I just love you and want both of us to be happy… Which brings me back to what I wanted to talk to you about. Reina Sofia called me. It's a modern art museum in Madrid. They want to do a big feminist exhibition and asked whether I would be interested to manage it and whether I know some good artists who could contribute. It would go on for seven months and we could think about our next step then. It's nothing permanent, but at the same time permanent enough. What do you think?"

_It's a change and at the same time it can return her passion while you will be able to paint._

It didn't matter where they were because Wonhee's smile felt like the place she belonged. Dodo hadn't been able to see it before, but now it was right there, only for her to see.

"It's perfect," she replied and smiled back despite the wetness in her eyes. She wasn't quite like herself back then, but somehow, she liked it more this way. The pressure didn't stay in her chest and there was another person to share it with her. "Thank you for opening up to me, Wonhee." She leaned in and brushed her round nose over the other woman's, enjoying how innocent but close it felt. "I love you."

Smiling brightly, even brighter than she remembered, Wonhee cupped her face, leaned in and connected their lips. It felt like the moment when paint connected to a surface, changing it, giving it brightness, embracing the differences, as it turned into something much more beautiful, something that resembled the warmth of the South African sun. 

The End

  
  
  



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